Can I be kept from visiting my father-in-law? - AgingCare.com

Can I be kept from visiting my father-in-law?

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My husband's 93 year old dad is being isolated by his 87 year old wife and her family. Four months ago the wife purchased a home and moved herself and my father-in-law away from his home and property. She had the police issue a notice that should my husband or myself try and visit we would be arrested for trespassing. She wants and now has total control over him and his finances. She now allows my husband to visit if she gives permission and if she is present. I would like to visit with my father-in-law. I've known him for over fifty years and we've always had wonderful talks. How can I find a way to see him?

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They were having a row. I dare say a great many things got said that ought not to have been said.

I don't think it unreasonable for your husband's stepmother to expect him to call at times that are convenient to her. I'm sad about it, but I also don't think it unreasonable for her to refuse to accept you as a visitor in her home, given how provoking she finds you. You think she's selfish, and perhaps she is, I wouldn't know; but she's not interfering in your home life, is she? Whereas you have quite significantly interfered with hers. I'm not saying you were wrong to - again, I wouldn't know - but I am saying you can't expect her to like you for it.

Actually, if anyone is in the wrong, it's your FIL. He's had twenty four years to get to grips with his family's dynamics and he's left you all to fight it out. Weak men. The bane of my life.
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But when you wait until someone Is weak (he no longer walks), has dementia and/or short term memory problems, is vulnerable and you flat out say you don't give a damn about what that person wants or would want, I don't care how long you've been married, you are a selfish individual and may God have mercy on your soul.
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Thanks for your comments
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My late FIL (may he rest in peace) had a saying: "never interfere between a man and his wife." Actually, in the contexts he tended to use it, I have to admit that it irritated the f*ck out of me; but the principle, if one believes in marriage as an institution, is part of marriage. Husband and wife are supposed to be two halves of one unit. It is out of order for one to seek back-up in a disagreement with the other.

The thing is, given the - to your credit, very factual and unemotional - detailed information you have about their financial affairs, it isn't as if you've had to go digging around, is it? They clearly have been transparent about marital assets. And, agreeing with FF, it isn't as if this lady is a Janey-come-lately gold-digger type who married your FIL for his money and has sat on her backside as to the rest of it.

I agree that she appears to be being rather childish about moving to the home you've suggested, but honestly? I can't blame her. You stand in her way, then offer her a consolation proposal? If it were me I'd be tempted to tell you to stick it, too. Besides, she wants to be near her own children. What's wrong with that?

I'm not unsympathetic to your point of view, but I have to say that how it looks to me is that you have royally got up this woman's nose and I'm not entirely surprised. You're right, she doesn't like you. Do you really wonder why?

So. Do you want things to improve or what? If you do, then Maggie's answer from yesterday is what it comes down to. Alternatively, you can wash your hands of it and just accept a regrettable end to enjoying your FIL's company. That's not nothing, of course, but it might be the line of least resistance.

What you absolutely shouldn't do is force your presence on this woman in her home. As for the suggestion that your husband bring him out to dinner: well, your FIL is neither a prisoner nor an idiot. If he wanted to go out, he could. I conclude that he's not that bothered about it. Let him have his quiet life.
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I wouldn't want my parents to meddle in my financial issues or telling me what house to sell or buy, as I wouldn't meddle in their financial issues. Adult children need to back away unless there was serious dementia/Alzheimer's involved with both elders.

LKing15, if this woman was a girlfriend your father-in-law recently met, this would be a different matter, but this woman has been his wife for 24 years. Most women from that generation, including my own Mom, didn't contribute much income to the marriage, that is just how it was back then. If my Dad dies first, he will leave everything to Mom even though money wise her contribution in income was 2 years out of the past 70.

As for your husband's Mom heirlooms, it was up to his father to keep or remove as he pleases. Did anyone ask for the artwork any time during the past 20 years?

My sig other's late wife passed on 14 years ago, and he still has boxes of her things packed in our basement. Would I want those personal items [except furniture] sitting out in the house? I don't think so, because this is a new chapter in his life.
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My father remarried at 59 and dropped dead at 83. She got everything, I made sure she did, because she waited on him hand and foot for 24 years. As for the farm, if dad goes into a nursing home, $3K won't be enough, he will need to sell the farm to pay for it.
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Yes to the age questions. The wife always wanted a new house but dad loved his place and farm. Wanted to live out his life there. He gave and let her do most anything except moving until this year. He even bought her five acres a number of years ago next to her daughter. Things changed - property sold. She just hates that she can not have, not only control, but have, in her name all that dad has or ever has had. Her contention is that she showed him a good time for 24 years and took care of him and she deserves it all. She forgets it was his funds that paid for all her trips and good times. She has maybe squandered her previous income from her home (sold long ago) and she even had rental properties (also sold)
It was I who alerted my husband that his dad was being stripped of everything therefore I'm the bad person. We don't care that all his money is gone or going to her. But the heirlooms, his mom's personal paintings (she was an artist) all taken. And she even tried to take the farm!
We agreed they should move to town, we offered to help pay or even totally purchase a home for them in town but as I said, she didn't want us involved; I'm assuming because she wants everything in her name?
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Just to clarify: the father remarried aged 70 and is now 94, yes? And he was first widowed aged 62?

If I can put my finger on it, the total breakdown in communications happened at the point where step-mother had formulated a plan for them (both?) to move to a new property near her children, which was blocked, essentially, by your husband?

What was his principal objection to their moving?
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Freqflyer- dad's place is a farm that he and my husband's mother retired to and made their home. They had little and moved in and fixed up an old house. Mom died a few years after the move. When her sister's husband died eight years later, dad, now 70, married (24 years ago). He had inherited quite a bit of money after mom passed so he and the new wife had a wonderful few years of traveling, cruising and rv-ing, quite often with her children. The farm is 40 miles from her kids and she has wanted to move to be near them for a long time; dad resisted as long as he could. The place she purchased and had remodeled is quite nice and more convenient for elders. Realize it was his funds that did most of this, however she says it all belongs to her and I am not welcome. We live in a community property state so how she says this I just don't know.
There has always been tension since my mom-in-law passed. This wife wants to be in control of everything. She left dad a couple of years ago because she asked and was told "no" he wasn't leaving her money when he died. She came back when he agreed she could put the bulk of his money in a joint account with her. All he had left was $52,000. From this she gave her daughter $30000 to invest in rental property calling it a loan. She later closed the account and put the remaining money in her account alone. Dad gets about $3000 per month and she gets $2400 in pension money. While on the farm he paid everything but the cable bill. What she does with her money we do not know or care to know. At this new place, she has him sign a check to cash or to her and empties his checking account each month. We are paying the farm expenses. That's okay as it is to be willed to my husband.
Earlier this year she became enraged when my husband and his dad said "no" to selling the farm and buying her a new home near her kids. We had suggested at one time buying or helping buy a home for them but she wanted nothing to do with us being involved. She had her children take everything from the farm, including a built-in dishwasher. She sold the farm trucks and took the welder, lawn tractor, all my mother-in-laws heirlooms and said "it's all mine".
Dad just wants to have his two dogs by his side and no conflict. Because she doesn't like me she makes a scene and gets loud when I'm trying to visit with him. Of course that's been some months now. My husband just wants his dad to be comfortable and he can't say anything to her that will make her agitated and call the police. She said she did not care what dad wants when my husband suggested he take dad to visit with me saying, "you're not taking him anywhere".
There should be a law when a 70 year old has to get permission to see his 94 year old father.
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LKing15, just curious what type of home did your in-laws have prior to moving to a new home... and how is the new home different? Is it more elder friendly? Is this your husband's mother or a step-mother?

What does your husband's Dad think about this arrangement, or is he unable to communicate? What does your husband think about what is going on? Something had to have happened to cause the door to shut on this relationship.
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