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I can't keep up with the demands of my job, trying to get my own health under control, and care for my 87 year old mother with dementia/Alzheimers. My relationship with my fiance' has also recently ended causing additional stress. I feel some days as though I'm not going to make it. I have said to my siblings that I've had enough. They don't want Mom going to a nursing home and yet they have excuses for why she can't live with them. Help!

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I have done All of this, my reward I'd 8 useless siblings and clearly their silent spouses and children, who took me to court and want my 93.5 yr old mom back out of assisted living and back home with her alzheimers Signifigant who is bedridden, while his kids drag me through court, who sees nothing
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I had a similar situation and with my brother's help finally got guardianship. Part of my stress was trying to please my Dad and consider his wishes. I realized he was not capable of caring about any of my needs or understanding his declining health and abilities. Now that he is in a nursing home, I feel so much healthier! Our visits are much more pleasant and I look forward to seeing him because he is also much healthier with constant care. Many people told me he needed more help than the home care and all we did for him. I decided to listen to them.
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Theres no easy answer. Everyone here is sacrificing their own lives for the life of another. Theres a bible verse that crossed my mind when I became a caregiver for my mom. Luke 9:24 For if you want to save your own life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life for my sake, you will save it. I lost my home, ability to work and relationship. I still try to understand that verse but to some degree we lose our lives and we do this out of of love.
When I became unemployed I moved in with my moms to take care of her. I realized getting back to work meant a big change for her and I just didn't have it in me to hand her off to a stranger. My siblings were either to far or to busy. After a year and a half I start work next week and after a few weeks I work from home. Don't give up hope. God will open the right doors for you... have faith.
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I can so relate to caregiver burnout. My mother was living on her own and I saw her slow decline until she decided to move in with her grand daughter. My mother refused to move in with me even though I was caring for her in her home and paying her bills. Mom lived with my daughter for one year until my daughter could not handle it anymore and one day left her in my home. Mom has been living with me for the past 8 months and I've dealt with all the ups and down of caring for her on my own. All my 5 siblings live in another state and make excuses why they can't help. No one wants to listen to my struggles or the difficulties I face. Some days are good. Some days are not. I started a journal and that has helped. This site has helped me deal with some issues. I finally realized that I can't count on my family to help with mom and I don't complain to them anymore. My mom goes to a senior center in the mornings and that gives me some time to run errands and go grocery shopping. I have decided to seek outside help and get a home aide. I hope this works out because I need some time to treat myself to a movie or dinner with friends.
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arlenaone, you need a break. No matter how much you love someone, you have to get away from it for a while. Do you have help with him? I was thinking about what people that handle decomposing bodies do in order to handle the smell better. Sometimes they smear Vicks VapoRub under their noses. I don't know if it really helps. Maybe it would also work with feces.

I know what you are going through, though I've only been through it occasionally when my father or mother was having diarrhea. Sprays seem to only make it worse, especially since the sprays choke me. When it is warm, we can always open windows. Now that it is getting cold, it's tougher. If this has been going on for a while, the smell is probably in the walls. I would be tempted to invest in some masks, though I don't know how I could sleep with one on.

Is there a way that you can keep a clean room for yourself so you can escape the smell? Maybe you could keep the vents closed and put the room off limits to anyone but yourself.

I know you're also a bit embarrassed to have people come in. I would be tempted to hire a cleaning crew each week to try to keep the smell down. It would be hard to tolerate, no matter how we cared for the person.
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I can't stand the smell!! He's got late stage colo-rectal cancer AND late stage Alzheimer's. Is bowel incontinent. Needs 24/7 constant care. Can't clean himself. The gory mess and horrible smell permeates the whole house. Everything STINKS. The odor from his bowels is the most sickening smell I've ever encountered. I don't know how much longer he'll last but I feel I won't make it through another day. Why did I end up in this hell? Cleaning up after him is bad enough but breathing the fumes from his excrement is intolerable. I've tried every spray and air freshener I can find. I clean and scrub and handle nasty stinking laundry all day long. I use bleach or Lysol or ammonia or pine oil. Anything to kill the disgusting lingering invasive odor. I sleep nights with the covers over my nose. Any ideas anyone? Please. I'm 80 years old. Any good years I may have had left have turned into a nightmare. Please.
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I can totally relate too. My mom lived with my husband, me, and our two young kids for years, while we both worked f/t too. It is not easy, in fact I had a nervous breakdown myself. I went to couseling and my doctor, and was finally getting the hang of "managing" when my mom started her wandering. Once she was found by the police and taken to geri-psych, and they figured out there was no way we could do 24 hour supervision, they suggested placement and got medicaid squared away for us. When that doctor stepped in and her staff started helping with paperwork, it was like clouds started parting. I had no help from anyone else in my family either, I completely understand. Its too much for one part of the family to deal with, we need strong support from the community and family/friends to deal with it, but mom's friends just disappeared.
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I understand how you feel. I am 39 now and still single and have tried dating while working full time and taking care of my 85 year old mom who has dementia. I have got to the point where I'm changing my career right now because my mom is much easier to handle when I'm working daytime hours. My current job wouldn't help me out with earlier hours so I have been doing job hunt and will be quitting my job next week. I have some temp jobs lined up at this time. My old job would change my hours daily and with my mom I need to have a regular schedule so she can have her routine. I do have my brother that helps out a little so I am planning a few weekend getaways this summer. I tried for years doing everything myself since I cared for both my parents since I was 19. I don't feel that I have put my life on hold I have still had relationships just not the right one yet. My mom was in nursing home for 3 months and I'm hoping she doesn't go back because I hated seeing how they treat them. I would visit daily and I would end up doing more for my mom than they ever did. All we ever got from nursing home was stealing of my mom's personal items, stole her ipod, stole money out of my purse when i had it in her closet.
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Does your mother live with you?? Sorry maybe I missed something but I wasn't clear on that. Have you investigated your local Area Agency on Agency for possible part-time home care options?? Some things are not that expensive and insurance covers some types of care. Your siblings need to step up to the plate here and at least pitch in to do a few things. I am an only child which ...ahem, is rough.

ALiving and nursing homes are options but what does the doctor say? I believe in most cases the physician is the one to make the final call as to whether elderly parents are not longer safe to be alone. Even if you live with her, you should get some type of help so you can take hours or days off and rest and have recreation yourself.

Emergen-C Vitamin C packets are an inexpensive energy and health booster. I buy a box at Walmart and it picks me up without resorting to something unhealthy.

Also, I had a relationship end myself a few years ago. Don't minimize the stress that a breakup - especially of a serious relationship - can have. You won't always feel this upset. I feel that the breakup is simply putting the icing on the cake so to speak of your stress level...and in a few months to a year, you should be feeling a little better.

I suggest making a list of a few doable things that you want to do that would make you happy. Make a plan and then do them, no matter what. Try and set some limits, at least for the next few months or so until you have healed from your breakup. Spend time with friends, I don't FBook alot but sometimes it is a fun and easy way to connect with people.

I hope in awhile you will feel the 'edge' has come off of your stress and you'll be better able to manage. I hope your siblings pitch in too.

Good luck!
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I am in the same position as you, the only difference is that my siblings help. One of them visits everyday and gives me some free time. They cover the weekends for me. I was laid off, and it happened at a good time, so I moved in with my mom and my siblings pay me a small salary. My moms income buys the groceries and whatever I need. All I can say, is that if your siblings are not helping you, they have made a choice. You must now make your own choice and begin searching out nursing homes. The family members that never help are always the ones that do the most complaining and attempt to run things. It makes them feel better in a very unhealthy manner.
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Kind and understanding words.Thanks for the reminder I'm not losing my mind..just feels like it.
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AndysMom, this thing is hitting us in our 50s right when organizing and remembering and learning new stuff get a little harder due to our own aging and for half (or more) of us, menopausing! You are probably not losing your mind, just feeling like it...remember its a little harder but not truly impossible. And you should never try to do things you can't do, and then get mad at yourself for not doing them better, since of course you will try anyways. :-) Bless you, sister!
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Hello ! I am looking into a place where I can take my husband at least once a week. This kind of care is not common here in Venezuela. The final alternative will be finding a home. This makes me very sad but I am no longer able to do all the physical work involved in his care of late.It is a bit frightening.
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If a nursing home is not okay with family, there are other sometimes better alternatives. Assisted Living can do a lot or you could have live in help. If you provide room and board the hourly pay is much cheaper. My friend sent her mom to adult daycare while she worked.
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I feel love in all these answers.We all are in agreement that one shouldn't bear it all alone and that we have become hindered in asking for help.I loved Dorenblue's idea of getting a break every 3 months. I have been with no help since Aug. and have had to make work and many other changes. So it is time to find a nurse, babysitter or family who can take over for one whole day or weekend. I pray for all of you and we are going to have to push and get relief. Yes,we are angels.
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I ache for you n have similar issues. Unfortunately don't have an answer for u. Hopefully u have a good friend u can talk to for support. I'm a caregiver in my job n then come home to mom who is n fairly good shape some of the time. I bet u have emotions u can't even put into words. The only thing I can recommend is prayer. I wish we could all help each other out n live close together n a community where we could do things for one another, give each other breaks, hugs n help support one another which is often lacking from other family members n society. Ill be praying for u n send u understanding, respect, and hugs! I get how hard it is especially if u don't feel well. Me too!!!
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You are not alone. I myself care for both parents with Alzheimer's, and attend Ashford University online during my nighttime hours. I am finding it more and more difficult to concentrate and fear for my own mental health, I am 53 yrs of age.
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I'm 59, have a 35yr.old son with profound disabilities and mental retardation, have a high school special ed teaching job (29th year) and my mother(87) had a stroke 3 yrs. ago and two heart attacks. She still lives in her own home. My sister is POA, and we both give mom any extra minute we have so she won't need to move. I have a 6yr. old granddaughter who I pick up after school usually daily. I take her and my son with me to mom's. My days are packed too. I know it won't be forever, and I want mom to remember how loved she is, not how hard my life is right now. I'd never have time for a social relationship, not even a night out with girlfriends. Somehow I just keep moving.
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I can relate as well. I'm 35, two kids (10,6) husband, f/t job, husband - and a mom with EOAD who cant be alone. I was losing my mind - and killing myself in the process. My brother is zero help. I had to place my mom in a nursing home last week. It was hard -but all of us are happier even her. Because now when I visit - we are laughing and talking - not in the mundane of the disease. Its been good for all of us.
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You have to share the time of caregiving. Time management will make or break any family that is involved with caregiving. If someone ends up being a primary caregiver and the other relatives fade off, the person doing most of it suffers. The individual needing the caregiving suffers. Family meetings once a month to schedule all the family giving their time would help. Then see if there are other non family members who can volunteer or be hired to take on hours not covered. It takes work, but won't happen if someone doesn't get things going. It's a change of lifestyle for everyone, not just one person.
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All I can say is good for you! I have cared for my disabled husband for 35 years now, and am only just learning how to get help. I used to think it was all on my shoulders and if I couldn't handle it it meant there was something wrong with me. Now I know it takes more than just one person to do this. I get away on respite weekends all to myself every 3 months. Sometimes all I do is sleep during that time. And I am learning to say yes to everyone that wants to help, whether that help is in a form I prefer or not. Everything from bringing a meal to making a short visit or mowing the lawn. Once you start saying yes and then lavishly thanking folks for their involvement, they feel like doing more. I'm not saying its easy, but it is getting a bit more manageable.
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Dear Friends,
I hear you! How to get help ,ask for it: I get very little but once I hired someone live in now, relations got a bit better. They realized I was neither shipping him out nor asking for a total here take your Dad...
At one point I went to visit a Doctor who said " I can't help you out until you know what you want" . So I spent some valuable time figuring out for the first time in a few years what I wanted and needed. And I began to formulate some very specific demands and how I would ask.
Once I no longer looked like a crazy person and asked for very specific help things went better. I also tried several new forms of communication. When trying to prepare for a needed surgery I explained how I might lose him trying to drop him off and park far away and I needed another person to hear what the Dr. said as this was not my native language. We got dropped off and she even spent a few mornings at the Dr. with us. This was far more than I had dared hope for.
My grandkids and sons were on Face Book so I started to communicate with them asking they inform their parents.I answered specific questions by phone and computer.
There was also a family visit so I could explain what was happening-Demencia is hard to catch on to. And gently explain how they could make him happy or comfortable.
But the best was the day I said "well,Sweetheart, I'm doing what I can but if I should just drop dead with the next high blood pressure thing, well, he's all yours"
You better believe there is a true preoccupation form my health now....
By the way, I have a helper- a housekeeper because I could no longer leave for work and leave him alone-but we need the money.
We are still not out of the woods but each day gets a little better and everyother month or so I ask the daughter to come and stay with him so I can go out and see a friend or once so that I could stay in bed a day that I was real sick.
We are now trying to form a monthly luncheon or snack with all invited or one family. I want to do this on a once a month basis but again the burden falls on me.
It was a real shock to hear one or two friends say they would like to come to the house and meet him.
I better not think that over too much and just say yes cause that kind of offer has been long in coming.Has maybe my attitude changed? Am I perhaps less scared and worn ? Whatever the reason I better just go for it and bring bits of the world ( and lovely people ) in if I can't get him out.
Hope some of my thoughts here are of help.
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I can really relate to your question.I am caring for an 89 year uncle who I live with and am struggling with my own health problems(Diabetes,Anemia,Hypertension)If you can find an attorney maybe you can be made your mom's legal guardian,as you have cared for her all this time.Your siblings are doing nothing/little to help and unless they want to care for her themselves,should have no say whether or not she goes to a nursing home
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I can really relate to your question.I am caring for an 89 year uncle who I live with and am struggling with my own health problems(Diabetes,Anemia,Hypertension)If you can find an attorney maybe you can be made your mom's legal guardian,as you have cared for her all this time.Your siblings are doing nothing/little to help and unless they want to care for her themselves,should have no say whether or not they go to a nursing home.
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Wow, I can really relate to your problem.. Im 30, been married for a little over a year and my wife and I care for my 90 year old Aunt. Keep your head up and seek assistance ( Something I plan to do. ) sit your family down and be honest with them... " I cant keep this up either you help and take her for a few weeks or she has to go to a home " If they think they have a way out of helping they will take it.... Pray ( A Lot ) that will also help !! I hope things get better for you!! Keep in touch!! I know some times just writing this stuff down makes a big difference.
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