Follow
Share

I have a complicated situation. I am now in charge of my father's care and a disabled sister. I have power of Attorney over both of them now. My Dad is suffering from Dementia. So I was not able to get him to revise his will to his wishes. Both my parents were taken advantage of when they were both in a vulnerable state. (Car accident and stroke)One of my sister's in a 4 year period took all their savings and cash out of their accounts in a sneeky way (automatic Debit) and persuaded my mother to pay her bills for her. and even buy her a car. By the time my mother passed away (I believe from the stress of not being able to pay their own bills) They were $500. and $600. under on their accounts. Both thier savings were depleated and my father at the time of my mother's death didn't even have money to buy food. He says he knew this was going on but was unable to do anything about it because he didn't want to upset my Mom. He says he doesn't want to give my sister anymore of his money from his estate since she got everything else. To add to the drama I have another sister that refused to help with him and has said she will not be part of the family anymore and just wants to know when he dies. I have been left alone to take care of him and my disabled sister. I only want to do whats best for them. But I also don't want to see my unhelpful sisters profit from abandoning the family. I have just recently placed my father in Rehab and it looks like he may have to stay. I was wondering if I can sell his property to help him and my sister out with thier care and use some to help with my own housing situation and not be obligate to save anything to give to the two that have disowned the family? I know if my father had had more time to work on a new will he would have cut them out completely and left me with his property so I could take care of my disabled sister. But before his Dementia got the better of him he was convenced to just do a basic will and was planning on fixing it later with more details. What I want to do is I guess sneeky also but I don't want anything left to fight over with my siblings when he dies. So am I obligated or legally suposed to hang onto his property to divid up after his death? or can I sell everything off and do the right thing by my Dad and sister who really need the majority of the estate anyway?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
and humor has been documented as excellent way to relieve stress and burnout symptoms.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ferris: Apologies have been made! We all make a mistake, now n then!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bluebird12- I'll bet you never got an answer to your questions, but certainly two of the writers have been having their own quarrel and inappropriate responses. Let's first address the issue of selling the house. Did your father "quit-claim" the house to you? I believe your POA will allow you to sell it (if you can find a buyer), and you can use those funds for your father and sister. I do not envy you being put in this position with your other siblings, and perhaps you can consult an attorney specializing in family dispute matters. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sorry bluebird!!!! I sent you a message!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow! I guess I opened a can of worms?
Thanks for the advice and words wisdom. I guess I got caught up in my Dad being angry with what my sister did. I know now that my only responsibility is to take care of him and use his estate to help him in his time of need. I will not worry about what is left over for them to fight over. I just felt bad for him and my disabled sister (who couldn't understand why two of her sister's couldn't act like adults and go to their mother's funeral.) I think they hated our Dad (and me for helping him) so much they didn't even think how not going would hurt our other sister. I have always been a very forgiving person and never let the crazy things my sisters did prevent me from trying to be nice to them. I remember talking to my Mom a few weeks before she passed away and her biggest concern was that when she went (her daughters would stop talking to each other). she knew that the other two had problems and would cary grudges and she worried no one would try to keep in touch with each other. I told her I would try but she knew they would not. I even talk to one of them around that time and told her what Mom said. And with no hesitation she said ( she's right ) which ment she was already planning on cutting me and others off. (very sad) But I know now I cant worry about them anymore and will just concentrate on the family members I have left.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

sunny-sorry didn't mean to be so aggressive...I just a lil fired up about this at the moment..thanks for the advice on the attorney...I am on the fence of it as I sed cause I have bad history with em rippin us off already....how do you get a contract up front when I don't even know what I need from them tell they review our stuff... kinda vague question but any input would be appreciated.
thanks
Luv, Juju
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Can't say I blame you. Much of it was for my own edification. I just hate to see fighting over our parents, family and loved ones. No one will win in this situation and It is so sad. Power of attorney would help take care of the current crises but without it, it is impossible in our state to supersede a will. But I hope what each one does for their loved ones is for love and not for an inheritance. And it sounds like there is not much money anyway, just a lot of legal problems. You can get help from your local Ombudsman office and free advice from their attorney's. And I have worked in law, and you need to be careful in selecting an attorney, many will rip you off. You need a contract up front, but Not an open check book. Enjoy your dinner. lol

Sunny
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Man we had a seafood feast few weeks ago at the beach...oysters crab shrimp cod n clam chowder!!! Yummmmm

but no I have never seen a mussel up close, I cant get the angle right on the mirror....lol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

moonbeam- undeserved is my story....when siblings attack and make parents life less comfortable by moving their hoarding storage facility into parents house while vacant, fill it so full there is barely a path to walk and then add a pack of bunnies running loose and their excrement and refuse to leave, make false serious accusations of abuse both physical and financial etc.....and open and rack up credit card bills and stick ma with the debt and bad mark on credit, I could triple your post with other examples so yes there are times it is appropriate to excersize some tough love!!!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

@ schmoombeam,
i aint reading all that, not even at gunpoint. im going to go eat dog with juju..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

ya that Is what I had always thought there is no way what I get from her even remotely comes close to what her only other option is, and surely she would not thrive as well in that situation, and not even be her today its almost 9 ys now I been 24/7/365 if you add the figures up,,,i have saved the state a butload of cash
but then I get here and read lil snippets in many diff stories n threads ( not this one, sorry) with this "misuse of fund fear" so that starts a whole new unfamiliar problem. coupled with my mistrust of the "system" gets my imagination going! I haven't been to lawyer since will change because of same reason too...they are ripoff's. I felt needed to do that change with one present and mom saying she wanted it done back then I am still on the fence about hiring new one because they are sharks!!! Anyway, food is good (jkg bout misuse there)!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am not sure of your definition of what "undeserved" means but when it comes to our "Last Wishes", I can tell you from experience, we can change our mind with or without dementia. I have an idea your parents had a change of heart rather than mind. I have a son who does not have anything to do with his family because his wife does not want us in their lives. I only see them once or twice a year and for years it hurt so bad, I did not plan on leaving him anything. But after 10 years I finally realized he is doing the best he can under the circumstances. You may think, we are not a deserving family but I just cannot leave my son out regardless of how bad he has treated or neglected us. And what about his children, our grandchildren? They cannot help the sad situation and are being punished by not having grandparents to love and help them. I have suffered depression and my son and his wife whose mother was a psychiatric nurse (she has since passed away) believe I am "unstable" because of my chronic illness. I have FM/ME and it takes a lot out of me and I am unable to be the mother I was when he was at home. I am almost bedridden and suffer panic attacks. But, a lot of society does not accept mental illness as a real illness just like any other physical illness. It is not just my son but society in general. I am now 60 and about 5 years ago, I finally understand what others cannot see or have not experience cannot possibly understand. So, since I "Don't Look Sick" many people judge me as Not Being sick.

But, my heart knows better and I now understand they cannot help how they feel since they have never lived with the chronic illnesses and periodic depression. I am not sure my son deserves anything but I want to give both of my boys and step daughter and step son something to remember us by. There are a lot of things I don't deserve but God is merciful and forgiving and if I want to do what is right, I cannot judge my son's thought or mind or even his actions that have caused me as much grief as a death. But, my love as his mother wants to give him whatever little we have left at the end of our good lives. He was the perfect son until his married his wife and it is them or us and I want him to be a good husband and father. He is responsible for them as I was him before he grew up. And I honestly believe he thinks he is doing what is right. I don;'t agree that he is showing any "Honor" to his parents, but it is not for me to judge or punish him. I have my own cross to bear and have made plenty mistakes. So, even our step daughter who is alienated from us, will get her 1/4th. My oldest son and step son are the only two children we can depend on but I cannot just cut the other two out. I believe it is morally wrong. It is a great example of the "Prodigal Son." But, the ones who love and help us get a share each day and those that don't are missing out and they may have a price to pay later for their actions but it will not be because I cut them out of my will. None of us are "deserving" of anything but what we work for. So, with God's Love, Forgiveness, Mercy and Grace, I too shall do the right thing. And if they want nothing from us, they can give it to their children or toss it to the wind but I refuse to cut them out. I feel like it is morally wrong. They are our children and we love them like God love us ; "Unconditionally." I hope this helps you better understand why we parents do what we think is the right thing to do. And it certainly is not worth fighting for. I know our two are not upset in the least and understand our position. And when they lay me to rest, I believe I will be the winner. I am not convinced they are happy with themselves they way they has mistreated us but, that is their problem and my conscious will be clear. It breaks my heart to see sibling fighting over a few dollar or millions for that matter. My parent has nothing to leave and it was much better that way. I have a friend who alienated her relationship with her sister over $5,000 and they both got $500,000. All over one diamond ring. How sad. And my friend spent $20,000 fighting because she deserved half of the ring but I cannot imagine losing my sister over something so worthless. It has nothing to do with money to me, it is all about love and even loving those who are not so lovable at times. I say, let it go and give your parents permission to do what they feel is right. Please don't put a guilt trip in them. That is so unfair. Does it really matter who get what? Love is much stronger and bigger than things and money. Give your parents all the love you have and it will come back to you in more ways than your inheritance. God honors those who Honor There Parents. It is the only one of the Ten Commandments that promises us something if we honor them. It promises us a "Longer Life" What more could we ask for? Let, go and let God take care of what is fair and just and none of deserve anything. I am beginning to see what some give to a charity rather than family. It can cause more grief and break up of good families. Love your brother/sister and pray they will honor their parents as you are doing. You will be blessed, that I am sure of.

Love is the best give we have and we all need to be more understanding and give our love freely and unconditionally and allow our parents to do what they feel is best. Your father may have dementia but in his heart he knows how to give his love and he has to be a very special man. Honor and show him your love and support. That is what he needs from you at this stage in his life.

My 91 year young mother is saving her money when we encourage her to spend it and enjoy it but she want something to leave us and she has given is still giving us he love and that is more than sufficient for me. She can give "my fair share" to my two brothers and it would not hurt me at all.

God Bless and I pray you can have a peace of mind over this even if you don't believe your sibling deserves anything. God will take care of the wrongs and we need to try and love unconditionally as God love us. You can go to court and fight it but I am not sure your money will last or that you will feel any better even if you you win, you will still be losing your loved ones and family who may need help rather than the ill will. And you can show you are bigger than a will or inheritance.

The only fair thing in all of this is to make sure you have enough to take care of any responsibility or debts that may be left behind before any money or anything is disbursed. And be glad for his will. If you die intestate (without a will), that is the worst thing and it takes a year to clear up and no one but the state wins!

God Bless and may everything work out for the best.

Scmoonbeam
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

compare what mom has given you with the cost of in home or institutionalized care. see what i mean? go have some take out "dog"..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ive been the only person responding to you juju and ive been saying your being paranoid. if you get an atty he'll silently rob you blind. we have a guilt trip on us if mom even takes us out to dinner. please , calm down.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ok thanks I just see all these people here saying it is really easy to get in deep water with "misuse of funds" thing I do need to review everything again with an attorney tho and make sure all are stuff is up to snuff....but that makes me feel a little better bout that too thanks, thanks, thanks.

thanks for getting me off that rant tonite...I am just grateful but overwhelmed to find people with same experiences!! so I get passionate n open up nasty wounds lol!!!
Well I am done..off for some misuse of funds at the Chinese take out...I haven't had a decent meal in a while n I am beat! and yes I think I will throw in some chardonnay....it has been tiring purging all this crap!!!

I give you your thread back bluebird!!! and do wish you luck...I say get a good attorney no matter what!! good is my key word there!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

juju your paranoi is killing you. were all humans and everything isnt textbook perfect. external pressure is automatically exerted on family carers so they dont think of doing wrong. its a policy that saves aps and courts a lot of money and time but it adds stress to the carer, we dont need stress we need reassurance.
ive read a million case accounts from around the country and aps is meddlesome ( as they should be ) but only act in extreme cases of abuse.. ( selling moms home, forging the signatures and leaving her homeless..)
im sorry to jack your thread too bluebird but getting into juju's pants right now is more important than internet etiquette..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ok captn....but isn't misuse of funds penalty jail time..I fear after all this is sed n done I will end up in jail for doing it!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

that was rambling but to add I was cleared by APS I guess cuz they interviewed me and then never heard a word, called her to see if everything was ok n sed case was closed...n courts ruled in my favor on the home issue... the other mistake I think I made is he filed a restraining order against me saying I beat him too and he wanted all of us protected from me....well I told judge I needa take care of ma now I am done trying to take care of him..i have to make a choice....so if enforcing the restraining order will keep him outta our lives then I agree!! do it! so it was! I realized later this could look bad on my part idk... so if that makes any sense I think I could be in some trouble.
I was needa get this straitened out and maybe find out if there is something pending out there so I don't have that black cloud over me as well
I got enuf problems right now!!!

THanks for letting me but in!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

oh misuse pergatory juju. the caregiver is a domestic partner and the finances will blur all lines. my mom has been paying my bills for 6 months, ive been giving her my cash income to substitute. records shmecords, if i dont have any more credibility on the town square than to be suspect of abuse, well, sue ( blow ) me..
try not to stress over it. we tend to mistrust the judicial system but in my experience they arent stupid..
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow, here we go...another topic causing me great stress right now! I did the same thing hardass's friend did... Bro's n I are separated by restraining orders and the filed false allegations againg me for elder abuse financially and physically....tried evicting me when I went to move back in to dads house he had moved into ,while I cared for ma at mine 2 hrs away.. So I had been thru nearly a year of hell with them and dad so we sold moved outta state and have never talked to em since saw a lawyer here and explained the situation and changed me to the reciepient of their only asset, the property which we owe on anyway, I digress, and them only if I am already gone...and how bat s**t crazy I am I found out later I could have just given them their share with a stipulation I execute it....as they are homeless and would just piss what little there is away...I would only allow healthcare so as they mite try to get healthy...after they did this to me.........anyway I fear there are open investigation on me somewhere back home idk....I just know my brother is crazy and when he gets focused on someone oh good lord! If I have mismanaged any of moms funds (which I haven't but in the laws eyes I may have..i didn't/dont keep good records. I am barely getting by with adl's for goodness sake anyway... if I know him he will make sure I go down for it no matter how long I have slaved with ma... my only savior is he is crazy and most can see that!!! but the misuse thing ....oh that scares me!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

ill bet youll find that the executor and especially caregiver are favored heavily by the courts and laws. my friends mother passed away unexpectantly a few years ago and the attorney holding the will just automatically shifted everything out of view of the two non contributing siblings. when they protested he told em to hire an atty and lets dance for a few years..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Definitely find an elder attorney. You need to make sure that whatever you do is ethical and clears you of pending lawsuits.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I strongly suggest you meet with an elder attorney regarding your matter. Usually your first visit is free. Explain that you have POA, your father has a previous will, but things have changed and he would like to have another will drawn up if possible - then it can be spelled out in the will who gets what. Dementia doesn't always disqualify him from preparing a new will. If he's not full blown and can have a "decent" conversation with the attorney that he knows what he is doing, it will be valid and notarized. Plus, then you will know more what you are/aren't capable of doing as POA. The attorney can explain further if you can go ahead and sell the house now or if it has to go through probate after he passes, etc. If your dad is on Medicare and winds up going to a nursing home, his house may be needed to pay for it. I haven't dealt with that - but have heard others say that in other threads/comments. Good luck!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter