Is it possible to keep your sanity when putting Mom in assisted living?

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My Mom was diagnosed with Dementia just 4 months ago. We were told that she needs to be where she has someone with her at all times. Since she was so unhappy at home (no one comes to see her, she's bored, and hundreds of other complaints), we took her to look at Assisted Living places nearby. The complaints never stopped...she wants to go home, she doesn't like it here, she's better off than anyone else here...! On the 3rd fall, she fractured her hip and had to have screws put in, and thus, the doctor sent her to Rehab until it heals and she can have physical therapy. NOW, we have the same complaints, but just about a different place! She has trouble remembering why she is there (surgery), so that doesn't make it any easier! She hates her Neurologist (who diagnosed her) and feels like WE, her children, are the ones who say she has Dementia.

She will be in such a good mood, and suddenly change moods. She will say we are punishing her by making her stay "away from home", we don't love her, and a whole host of other accusations. I keep telling my brothers that they have to remember that it is not "her" talking. But, that is difficult for them to grasp! In the end, she will start crying when they start to leave. She doesn't do that to me when I'm there...unless I'm there at the same time they are.

You may have figured out that I am extremely blessed to have two brothers who help me with her. They actually do more than I do because I live further away. They visit her once or twice EVERY day, but she doesn't usually remember that anyone has even been there to visit.

I keep searching on the internet to see if I can read about anyone who has had the same problems with their loved ones, but, it seems that everyone is different, so I haven't fond much help. We are all three very tired and at our wits end trying to make her happy without taking her home. We have always been a close-knit family and support each other, and I think that helps a lot. I can't imagine how bad this could be if we weren't!

If anyone could give me some pointers on how to deal with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I would very much appreciate it! I am the only one of the three who isn't retired. My husband and I own a business, so I am being worn down after trying to make sure I see her 2 to 3 times a week.

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If it was me, I'd visit her less. With her short-term memory, she's not remembering why she's there or if you've visited or not. So going so frequently, you're just agitating her and causing yourself (and your brothers) grief over a situation that you can't change.

Your mom is where she needs to be and she's safe. You need to keep telling yourself that. And the "home" she wants to go back to may be the home of her childhood. My mom doesn't have Alzheimers but does have definite cognitive decline and no short-term memory. When she recalls memories, they're all from the first 18 years of her life, on the farm. It's like the next 80 years (with my dad, my brother, and me) don't exist in her memory. It's all about her childhood. The ironic thing about my mom is she used to complain about other seniors who only talked about very old memories. Now she's doing the same thing.

So let your mom settle in where she is and limit your visits. Send her cards that she can look at again and again, even when she can't remember.
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Thank you, Pamstegma! I have been hoping that her Neurologist would give her something for the mood swings/depression. But, so far, nothing! She has witnessed herself as Mom blew up in front of her doctor on Monday! I love the idea of visiting her in common areas! Thank you so much! I will pass this along to them, too!
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You medicate her bad moods. Been there. Done that. Tell brothers to visit for only an hour, or less if her mood turns. Never visit alone, take friend with you that she is less likely to throw a tantrum in front of. Visit in a common area, again this encourages better behavior. It is definitely a rough road.
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