I find it challenging to keep my patience with my Mom. Any advice?

I call this Queen Bee Syndrome. Have you ever noticed there are never two queen bees in a hive? There is no middle ground with two alpha females in the same kennel. So who will be in charge?

If your mother's primary ailment is depression, it seems to me activities would be good for her. What can she realistically be in charge of? Can she do laundry? Set the table? Empty the dishwasher? Do some meal prep? Why can't she do some of the unpacking?

Is your mother being treated for the depression? Some people are just naturally pessimistic in their outlook, but I wonder if her meds need tweaking?

I guess it is not a capital offense to snap at Mom once in a while, but leaving the room may keep you calmer. "Mom, it bothers me to keep hearing such negative thoughts all the time. I'm going for a short walk. Let's talk about something different when I get back."

By the way, when you become caregiver for somebody it is very common to become tied to their routine. It is common to also be impacted by their safety requirements -- no throw rugs, hand rails, etc -- until you feel you are living in a nursing home. And it is very common to resent this, at least at first. Give yourself time to accept the inconveniences and limitations that go with caregiving. Come here and vent. Complain to us. We understand. Try not to take it out on your mother.

Hi, I get it, I suggest the following, it worked for me: take a breath before you enter the house or her area. and whatever you do, do a quick check and don't take the bait. She is fishing for attention. which is fine…I always excuse myself, " gotta go, have to make a phone call" if it is a mood I am experiencing. Attention is good, we all need it, but her frustration shouldn't be taken out on you - talks are better when you both are rested and calm.

i agree with what jeanne said about leaving the room when theyre trying to drag you into the depths. dont come back into the room in ten minutes trying to reason with them again. theylle spin you around and youll bite yourself on the a** again.
instead try to get yourself educated online about mental illness / dementia. when you can begin to visualize a dying , shrinking brain when you look at the person, only then will you find understanding and genuine compassion -- even peace of mind and patience..
i dealt with extreme bipolar too in addition to dementia and eventual schizo disorder / hallucinations. you can do this and become a h**l of a wiser person by conquering it..

normally i like pams straightforward advice and wisdom, but in this case i dont think its a matter of a struggle for power. its mental illness and a more healthy brain flipping out trying to process this pretzel logic..

I may be in a little different situation.Mom moved in with me and my wife 5 months ago. She has dementia and all the trappings that go with it. Asking the same question, bathing, taking meds,hygiene issues, yadda yadda you all know the drill.
Anyway, I too work from home. The only way I can function is that I take my mom to an adult day care Mon -Friday that is geared for dementia patients.( Nurses on staff, part of a hospital,activities, bath her, etc.) I also go church and pray for patience and understanding...I talk with a priest and ask for guidance.)
Even though she is gone for 8 hours and day I have her the rest of the time which is very stressful indeed.

Walk moment to moment. I continue to wear my prayer bracelet when caring for my husband. I gets nuts otherwise. I can just smile & listen & not engage his ego & be there for him. Don't try to make sense out of it. I realize that we all at time try to intellectualize it, however, that is a no win situation. Remain in the moment. It is all we have.

Sometimes you just have to give up the ghost as it were.......My Mother and I never really liked each other that much. She harps--all the time----you can't just make a statement you have to make the same statement over and over and over again. When my brother and I brought Mom back from Ca. to Minn. after a stroke-----(just a tiny one) we both realized neither one of us could take her----in both ways----literlly and figuratively. Assis. Living was the best thing for everyone......we got her into "the penthouse". Did it have a happy living situation--no not really but my Mom and yours could be sisters the way they think.everything is bad bad bad. in their own attitude--.there is so many wonderful things to do in those places....movies, dances outings, even a style shows...church meetings---and it goes on which most happily take advantage. You have to think of yourself once in a whlie---this probably would be the best for both of you---at least you could look into it before you "really have to"---(insert a big hug from me to you here)

ahh yes, the sky jesus. im only making humor here so dont be offended, ( whatever ) , but if he cant return to earth because he cant master the concept of ceramic afterburners, how much do you really think hes helping you ?

* sigh *
baked clay dude. ceramics are just baked clay.
there are 2 types of clay;
i dont have time for this crap, just google it..

If your mom's primary ailment is depression, while serious and requiring treatment, this does not mean she can not be left alone occasionally. You need to carve out some personal time to do things you enjoy with others: gym, book club, ladies lunch, etc..
You should try to get her involved in a solo activity as well.
My mom has an inexpensive hair salon that is good for a few hours of entertainment a week.
Depression is an illness and sadness is its symptom. You cannot
cheer someone out of their depression permanently. Sure you can entertain someone for short periods of time, but you cannot become a 24 hour jester and retain your sanity.

The best time to create rules is now, that you have just moved in. Make sure this new normal allows personal time for you.

I agree with ismiami - you need to find time to yourself to keep your sanity. What about taking your laptop and working at a local coffee shop for a couple of hours when you feel the need to get away? Or get your mom into some activities that get her out around other people?

My mom doesn't have depression, but she says she's happy to stay in her room (she lives in independent living). She doesn't participate in activities there any more, but her mood is always lifted when I get her out to a restaurant or for a quick trip to the grocery store, where she sees different people. We all need human contact and if you're the only one providing it to her, that's a huge burden on you. See if you can build some other contact for her into her weekly routine. Good luck...

I know your anxiety as I experienced some of the same things that you are. Stress levels do become higher than expected, but I did make it and I believe that both my mother and myself were able to be winners. Since I work with these kinds of situations on a daily bases, one would think that when I was dealing with my role as caregiver that I would know exactly what to do. So I really feel that I can offer some sound good advice.
First, I realized that my mother was angry at getting older and having to give up her independence. Once I "got it" I was OK and begin to listen more. I always realized that my mother was really not ready to die--just was afraid. So she found comfort in going to the hospital almost every month with a major illness. So I let her have back her independence and a real reason to keep living by moving her out of the house and into her own little place where she could putter around--she still drove as that was something she was not going to give up. But she drove only to the grocery store and MacDonalds, which were a few blocks away. She lived far enough away and yet close enough that she drove over for dinner every night. Her aches and pains were there, but less now that she was able to have some of her dignity back by being independent.
As I have grown older, I do know some of the feelings that she had--She was a tough lady and didn't want to ever give up and that is really not a bad trait. Actually, I am her daughter so I might be the same when I really get to the same point in my life. Take her by the hand, I give her the last chance to feel alive and the chance for the two of you to be friends. Look at this situation as a learning experience for when you go through the stages of aging. You will see and understand so much. One more thought about this situation--learning from our families as they age helps us to learn about our own aging process--look to learn so that you can grow old gracefully. Peace.

VictoriaP, I feel like you just wrote this for me. I'm in the same situation and feel bad every time I snap at my mom.

First of all, since I also am a consultant working from home, I know that it's hard for Mom to understand that I'm available only at certain times. We do eat lunch together most days but she's not allowed to just knock on my door at any moment. I use the same tactic people with children in our business do which is this rule: when the door is closed, the person is busy and unavailable. Unless the person doing the calling is actually bleeding or something like that, it's almost never important. My mom now, after several months, has gotten into this routine and really good about hardly ever bothering me when I'm working.

I sometimes get frustrated with her negativity and have a couple times really lost my temper. It's not that I've said anything so very harsh but I feel so terribly bad when this happens. If she's just griping a bit, I just listen. But if she's on a major tear about how awful things are and if I don't feel up to it, I'll blunt honest tell her I'm not interested in hearing about it, yet again. And, if she persists, I try to remember just to repeat myself and then walk away (as it would be rude to just get up and leave, I think). She gets ticked-off, but it's better than getting to the point where I'm so miserable that I lose my temper.

Also, I've started attending a caregiver's support group. I know you'll say that you're too busy for this, as I did, but my husband could see how stressed I was and kind of insisted.

Also, I insist on having my own time. I do sometimes go out for various activities, spouse and I sometimes do things together and without Mom, sometimes we all three go out, together. I'm trying to get her her own activities, which I think is going to help, but which is hard to convince her to do. She says she doesn't like people and doesn't want to do group activities. It might be a huge hassle but I haven't given up -- I want her to develop her own activities that she looks forward to that don't include my husband or me in them. AND, because there's a local ride service for seniors, that would be a break for me in that she could get a ride. My expectation is that I'll have to take her for the first few visits of anything until she feels comfortable, but am hoping to get her to a point where it's no longer new and scary.

Also, we do things together that give me a little break. We both like movies and when we watch a movie, together, she's pretty silent. Afterward, we talk about the movie a little and she's interested in this -- much better than that "sky is falling" discussions. Sometimes, I'll put on a movie that I've seen but that I think she'll like and I'll read or stitch during it, but will sit there with her. She initially hated that, but I explained that I'd recently seen it but would kind of like to see some parts, again, but not all of it. She bought that explanation and now it works for us.

There are also certain events that just set her off and I just do my best to avoid her, afterwards. There is one family member that calls and, after those calls, she's just super-negative and I just can't handle it. I just make sure that I avoid her after those calls as much as I can and I haven't found any other way to handle that.

Being in a new place and having some memory loss, she doesn't remember to do some of her own activities, such as embroidery. If she doesn't do these things, she gets crankier and needier. Most days, I ask her how she's doing and what she's thinking of doing with her day. I don't usually suggest things to her, but if she is mopey and says "I don't know..." I might say something like, "Oh, because you said you really wanted to finish that embroidery project to get that gift off. If you wanted to do that, I'd turn the light on while I'm up (or some other less direct thing than "Stop moping and do your embroidery!).

thank you Sue...I really appreciate your insight. You are exactly right about angry about getting older. I didn't really see it that way, but that's how my mom feels. My mom was a tough lady too and now she is so fragile and kind of timid. When I was growing up and pretty much until about 6 years ago, she didn't act this way. Some of her days are better than others and I'm all she has left so I have to be the one to make sure she is comfortable and has anything/everything to make her happy. My mom was very independent and loved to drive, but lately she's been happy to have me do it. She wants to sell her car, but I want her to still have that independence. I'm going to see if she can drive herself to the grocery store this week. I think once she does it herself, she won't be so worried about it.

Thank you geo123...I need to think about closing my door. That's something I need to work on. I actually had a talk with her over the weekend and basically told her that we need to get used to each other again. I let her know that I've obviously have never been in this situation and she needs to quit being negative and cut me some slack. In the last 20+ years I've never really been tied to a schedule like hers (ie. meds, having to eat at certain times) so she needs to realize that. I told her if she's able to walk out to the patio she can walk to the coffee bar in the kitchen and make her own coffee. Even when she apologizes when I get up and do things for her and feels bad that I have to do all of the things...I think secretly she's happy to be 'waited' on. I told her that it's important for her to move around and not just sit in her chair, if she feels up to it, she should make her own lunch, etc. So, this weekend she tried, I told her that I appreciated it...now that she doesn't ask for every little thing, I don't get so irritated when she asks for me to get her something to eat or drink.

VictoriaP, if your area has senior transportation, you might want to encourage your mom to sign-up for that and use that for errands. If she wants to get rid of her car, this is an option that prevents you from taking her all over and gives her a little independence, but probably saves her a little money on car maintenance and such.

My mom was also slow to do things, here. In her case, she was just overwhelmed with learning everything new, but she's learning one thing at a time. She can now make herself a jelly sandwich, alone (knows where plates, silverware, bread and jelly are). For some reason, she's having a hard time remembering where the peanut butter is. She also knows how to strip her bed and get her things into the laundry basket for laundry day. There are a few other things she can now do, too.

These things are all so small, but she was just overwhelmed and I found that some things are coming to her, naturally, other things I can find ways to her learn. I'm still working on the peanut butter issue, so wish me luck! :-)

One other issue I didn't think of:
My mom lived in the same town most of her life and said if she ever moved that she'd have to give up her car as she'd never be able to learn a new place. I strongly agreed with her. In fact, moving from simple Midwestern NS/EW streets to a town like I now live in with streets that go in all direction would be kind of confusing for her. Plus, it has hills and, after this awful Winter with icy hills where I often had to downshift and play with the traction control to get around, since her town was 100% flat and she never learned to drive on these hills, no way would she learn now, I think.

So, that's one more plug for the local senior transportation option. Also, my mom really likes being driven around so, yet another reason for senior transportation over driving their own car.

One more thought:
Another problem my mom has is that she knows it's not her house. Regardless of the fact that she pays room and board and that my spouse and I keep reminding her that she lives here, now, and should feel she can watch what she wants on TV, go in the kitchen when she wants, etc..., she still hesitates. We just remind her that she is now a part of this household and we do it fairly regularly. But she still feels like a visitor. She feels like and is treated like a visitor a lot less than she did when she used to visit, but she feels quite awkward, here, and I think it's just going to take a lot of time to get her feeling comfortable with the place and with adjusting a little to some of our household habits.

I take low dose Prozac as soon as I'm up, if not my husband & I would both be instutionalized - I'm not a " med " person but I could not make it through one day without it, being a caregiver 24/7 makes a huge change in ones life, the constant ground hog day scenario day after day, hour upon hour has to be dealt with without escalating the situation. The bathroom is my refuge, when re-directing is not working, by the time I return to the room it's over, he has already forgotten the ensuing conversation. Hang in there & try to re-direct & try not to engage or explain the conversation away, it will never go!

Tell your mother how her behaviors impact you. Try to express your feelings without blaming or shaming. Try to be understanding and recognize moving from a former house for anyone to a new house is very, very stressful for everyone. Let her help you unpack. You don't say if she has dementia, but just let her help anyway she can. Everyone wants to feel needed. As far as your patience, only you can adjust that. Since you are a half full glass kind-of-person, look at this experience as a learning one, and put yourself in her situation. When you just want to blow your top, close a door, take a walk, or go for a drive. Anything that is distracting should provide you will relief. Do not resort to pills. They are only a bandaid and you will end up addicted (perhaps). Again, the stress of moving, unpacking and running your own business is very stressful. Give yourself permission to feel stressed and then relax. Tell her how much you are stressed too. Ask her what impact the move has had on her too. Happy unpacking! (Just went through this 7 mos. ago and am still finding new places to put things).

That will take time---put yourself in her place--this isn't her house--it's yours---she really doesn't want to be there--and knows --the very bottom line --you'd probably not like her to be there too. It's not this happy little vacation Mom is on and she's visiting for a week and leaving. .....It will take time. I find so much in dealing with my Mother is almost like dealing with my "kids" when they were little. You have to catch them doing "good". "Mom I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to grab that last piece of pie---It makes me feel good you're beginning to feel enough at home to do that." You can't make a family over night--it's going to take time. Even as much as my Mother and I don't see eye to eye I wish I could read her mind to find out what is making her tick these days. So much of her is the same (not all that nice) but some of her is I hate to say pathetic because she's in this Limbo place in her life. She has really nothing to look forward to----and she's "a bother " to her kids. I know some of that is going on.

The wise advice from this community constantly amazes me : )

I agree that fear is behind much of VictoriaP's mother's behavior. Growing old is hard. Of course, there is always the chance that the mother has leaned in this direction her whole life which could mean that there's a great need for constant attention, as well. Still, at the base of the need for constant attention is - once again - fear.

Taking a deep breath before coping with her, not taking "the bait" and trying to remain compassionate about the losses of aging are all good ways to handle this.

Don't feel guilty, Victoria, for feeling impatient. You are human. Just try to do what you can to cope with a difficult situation. Please keep checking in with us. This community understands what you are going through.
Carol

Victoria, has your mom always been a hypochondriac? My dad LOVES to run to the doctor, even though there is nothing wrong with him. He is 90 and has dementia and some orthopedic issues that are never going to be resolved, but his doc says he is very healthy otherwise. Still, he keeps calling doctors and making appointments because he forgets he already saw a doc about his knees, feet, shoulder, back pain, hearing, etc. We tried taking the phone away, but that caused too much anxiety, so we gave the phone back and took the phone BOOK away.

It's really hard for people who were previously independent, successful people to deal with the physical and mental limitations of old age. As for Dad's hypochondria, I think to some extent it is attention-seeking behavior, and is also a throwback to his childhood when his mother used to love to take him and his sibs to the chiropractor for every little ache and pain.

We have had my mom for 2 years now, and we only kept those things that she really loved and needed that would fit in her room and other things are placed around our home that she enjoys seeing, but half the time doesn't even remember. Other sibling didn't want anything, so the rest got donated to a charity. I take my mom to an adult day care 2-3 times a week so I can get some things done I work from home also need some respite. She will get lots of attention and they know just how to make them feel welcome, give them lunch, provide interactive things for them to do. I suppose every place is different, but my mom comes home happier and tired and ready to have dinner and then goes to bed early. If your mom has dementia of any kind she will not remember what you had a conflict about but she will remember the emotional feel of every situation, and carry it with her all day.Try to not take things personally, give a little sympathy and then change the subject. It is hard and it only gets worse. I feel like I am raising a preschooler or at times a teenager again. Good Luck and try to stay your positive self maybe it will rub off on her.

I think Sue Maxwell worded it perfectly. Read her answer again and take heed.
The few times, that I had some issues with my Mom, I just thought, I would rather put up with some of these moods, than not have her at all.
I am heartbroken over the loss of my Mother, and I would gladly, put up with some of her moods, just to have her back again.

We just moved with our 87 year old /dementia/Alz and hopefully for the last time...third residence since we took her from the nursing home, but we are in a home and not an apartment this time.

Moving is hard and stressful even if we aren't old or that old for them harder and more stressful.

She ended up having a sinus infection with her asthma and hates hospitals, but had to be admitted, when she needed the breathing treatments more than the emergency room could handle.

Old people, I believe hate being old, dependent or needing anyone elses help,
but seem to always exaggerate to theatric movie queens about something... some cry wolf, ours did that is why we could not tell at first that she needed to go to the hospital for her asthma, it is her excuse, not to walk, or move around, she confuses, breathing a little as we all do when we exercise, as asthma...

HER QUEST; thinks that she will die...in a hospital (like most people) so doesn't want to go to one and always needs REASSURANCE, that today is not the day...

Does she have any friends who are able to socialize with her, go shopping out to lunch, catch a movie or has the move relocated her?
Can she stay in a senior center by herself, if someone takes her there?
Sometimes they have activities like exercise, lunch and in the afternoon, bingo
sometimes a few hours of not being underfoot is good for everybody.

@VictoriaP, I understand completely what you are going through, the three meals a day at a specific time, medicine, ect. I've been getting up every morning for five years to fix mom's breakfast, even when I'm sick; rush home from picking up prescriptions to fix her lunch and the same for dinner. She takes her meds with each meal. I also have to prepare her meds...make up insulin shots for the week and pills for the week. I stopped living with her 26 years ago and I did give up my privacy to become her caregiver. My mom is a very negative person and I've always been a very positive person. That difference used to send me into a state of severe depression...all the complaints was just too much. Now I've gotten used to her ways and it doesn't bother me as much. Since I realize my siblings, her other children, won't help and everything is on me, I've just gotten used to her. I do tend to try and ignore some of the things that bother me the most. Mom is like the boy who cried wolf...can't tell when something is seriously wrong because according to her, everything is 911. Give yourself time VictoriaP...things may seem hard now and you feel you have no patience, but with time, it should improve (your patience that is,)

This will sound really weird, but it helps you distance yourself emotionally from your mother's way of coping. Since you Know how she will respond, as she is pretty consistent in her negative outlook, think of her as a cartoon. Like Lucy with Charlie Brown on the football field. You already now what she will do, so just let that bubble "Sigh" pop up over your head. Then move on.

I also agree with giving her chores she is in charge of, her room to decorate at her will. She was in charge of her own home, and the loss of control (which you are also experiencing) is difficult to manage. In the business of relationships, much like a business, you sometimes have to write down an organizational chart. Work WITH your mom to develop a list of who is responsible/in chart of what. That way limited control is established. You can be gentle, "mom, lets do this like roommates and divide the chores. I would appreciate your help. What things on this list would you like to manage? Did I leave anything off the list?"

If she is afraid she is a burden, this will help. If she is afraid you think she is no longer competent, this will also help. Then meet once a month and see if you want to trade chores. Don't complain about how she does a job, and don't correct her until it presents a danger. Thank her for helping you, even if it is not that big a deal (like setting the table).