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it was a nightmare to keep her out of pain.She would only take pain meds when pain got severepain. She did not understand to stay ahead of the pain. She refused all therapies.She has a very severe UTI because she will only take meds for a couple of days..no pain no meds.She is in hospital for the 3rd time with UTI.She will be transferred to a rehab center so she can receive antibiotics intravenously.She does not want to go and says Doctors are just trying to make money off of her.She is so unhappy.Diarrear raw rectum is very upsetting to her.She has so many rounds of antibiotics.She did complete 2 rounds of liquid antibiotics.did not cure her.She eats and drinks very little.refuses showers.At what point can we say no more antibiotics and lets keep her pain free with meds and put her in God/s hands. Am I awful for suggesting that.There is so much more to this dilemma,but thats it in a nutshell. Please help ...

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I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It is hard to answer well with the info you gave, but do you have routines for your mom? Like does she eat, take meds, shower, etc at certain times of the day? Does your mom trust you?

I take care of my elderly grandparents. One has dementia and the other diabetes. They have both been taking meds for many years so luckily that isn't an issue. Of course, sometimes I have to explain to them why they have to take a certain medication or why my gramma needs another shot or test or whatever, but for the most part, once I've explained to them what it is and why they need it, they take it. Does she remember that she is sick? Have you tried telling her something like "you have to take this because you have an infection and you need this to make it go away"? I often have to patiently and calmly explain why they need to take a certain medication. Luckily they trust me and know I wouldn't hurt them.

As for eating, if they don't want to eat the whole dinner, I tell them they have to eat half. I involve them in food choices, so I know it is something they want to eat. I also bribe my grampa with ice cream if he eats his dinner (he loves ice cream and would probably eat only ice cream all day if I let him). Sometimes I have to feed him so he eats. It usually is just a matter of bargaining or making sure he likes the food.

Showering is a whole different story. They both HATE showers. I try and make it fun by singing to them and being excited about it... the way you would with a child who doesn't want to shower. I wake them up and sing "Do you know what time it is? It's shower time! everybody get naked! everybody get naked! It's shower time!" which usually makes them laugh and at least gets them going. Sometimes you have to make things sound fun and exciting, even when it isn't. I also remind them how lucky they are that they can still shower on their own and how much worse they could be. I only give them showers every other day and only wash their hair every other time they shower, unless they have an "accident" when they use the bathroom.

Hope this helps. Good luck...
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My heart goes out to you. This is a truly heartbreaking situation. On what basis was she deemed incompetent to make her own medical decisions? Does she have other obvious symptoms of dementia? Do you have her medical power of attorney?

If it were my mother, I would want to know what her life will be like if she takes the antibiotic treatment and it is successful. Will she be able to return to where she was living, and carry on as she had been? Will a more protective environment be needed? How severe is her cognitive impairment? What are the prospects for the quality of her life?

Another thing I'd want to know is my mother's life outlook, spiritual views, and wishes for medical care, before she became incompetent. Unfortunately we haven't been able to get my mom to draw up a health care directive, but from things she has told us, things that I have heard her tell her doctor, and comments she makes on other people's situations, I THINK I have a pretty good sense of what she would want. How about you? Do you have anything in writing to direct you? Do you have a strong sense of your mother's life philosophy?

Would she be eligible for Hospice care?

I would also want to talk directly and frankly to the doctor.

You are not awful for raising the questions. I don't know what the answers should be, and I hope I never have to face them myself. I have nothing but sincere best wishes for you as you struggle with this.
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