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We moved my mother from Florida to a small assisted living home a mile from my home in California after she broke her hip and almost died from neglect in the rehabilitation place she was in after her hip replacement. She's been talking about moving back to Florida and now she's decided she wants to go to Michigan near my brother and his wife. How do I gently tell her that she cannot move.

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Hi Denise,

Beautifulsc gave you some terrific advice. I'd like to add that a large percentage of elders who break a hip don't live more than a year afterward. I'm not saying this to make you feel afraid or sad, but to underscore the fact that she may be more vulnerable than she realizes. A move could be very hard on her.

In the end, unless she's cognitively unstable and you can prove it, she has a right to move. I hope your brother and his wife can gently let her know that as much as they'd love to have her nearby, a move for her at this time wouldn't be wise.

Distraction and keeping her busy may help keep her from insisting on moving. Also, simply putting things off could help. I'm sorry you have to cope with this after doing so much to help her, but it's what you are facing, so stay strong, don't argue but try to tell her the reasons it wouldn't be wise (if she's cognitively okay), or else keep distracting and redirecting her to other issues if she's cognitively impaired. This too will pass.
Take care,
Carol
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Hi Denise56......You don't say if your mother has dementia or any problems related to her mental health. If so, you can try some diversion tactics. Change the subject a lot, like "How is Ms Mary doing?" or "What did you have for dinner?" However, if she is mentally sharp, you might tell her your brother and his wife are very busy people and they may not give her the same attention you do. And once she moves, she is stuck with the situation whatever that may be. The facility and staff might not be as good, the food might be worse, she will miss her friends....etc. Honesty dear.....just be straight with her. And as the old adage goes.....the grass is not always greener. Maybe she is trying to push your buttons. She really needs to understand that you have done a lot for her, and she needs to be grateful, ya know? You are a wonderful daughter and the words will come. Hugs to you.
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Hi beautifulsc.
Thanks for the suggestions. I've tried telling her a few of the things you suggested but I wasn't sure if I was off track or handling it wrong. It's nice to know that I was at least on the right track. I'll keep up with the distractions but she's pretty sharp on her good days. I like the old adage, the grass is always greener so I may bring that up to her, too.
On her not so good days, she'll tell me that I need to drive her to the Chevy dealer so that she can buy another car and then drive her to Florida. I've even gotten on Google Maps on the computer to show her
1. how far it is from her place to my place (1mile),
2. from her place to my brother's place near Sacramento (5 hour drive)
3. and then how far it is from her place to her old house near Orlando.
When she talks about moving to Michigan I talk about how long our flight was from Florida and that she shouldn't fly alone. She has a logical answer for that one, too.

My brother, who visits from the Sacramento area, (which gives me a much needed mental break) every three or four weeks doesn't beat around the bush and has told her point blank, "You will never drive again, Mom." and when she talks about moving, he tells her point blank, "You're going to spend the rest of your life @ River House."
She going downhill with her dementia and yet other times she is right on track but I guess that that is normal for dementia.

Before she moved to California, we gave her the choice of living by me in Northern California, by my brother near Sacramento or near my other brother and his wife in Michigan. We looked at a variety of places online and Mom decided that she wanted to move to where I live.

I wish to send hugs out to those who are caring for their loved ones full-time 24/7. I know that as caregivers we do what we have to do, but I am 100% positive that I would have had a nervous breakdown by now if she was living in our little house with us.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
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