Is there anything I can do to keep my Mom with dementia from hating me? - AgingCare.com

Is there anything I can do to keep my Mom with dementia from hating me?

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My mom had total hip replacement, at 89, almost died. She lived across the country from my brother and myself. After surgery she went into a nursing home, they stated she was depressed and with dementia, she needed to be by family so I brought her near where I live. Since then its been a nightmare. She thinks I stole everything from her (nothing has been touched) she says she wants to hurt me like I hurt her and wants to talk to her attorney, but just doesnt know who he is. Everytime I talk with someone at her current nursing home she tells me to shut up and mind my own business. She doesnt want me to talk with her doctor though she doesn't understand anything regarding her medications. She has started saying that I am wanting her locked away but makes no connection that she needs to have a nurse because of her feeding tube.She is angry because she wants me to take her to her house and leave her there by herself..I think she believes its 20 years ago. I understand her anger about the situation and I try to change the subject and refocus but it never works. She thinks I am the one who won't let her outside by herself no matter what the home says. She was angry when I tried to help her fill out her menu..said she wasnt going to eat what I wanted her to eat but can't do it on her own. I had hoped that at some point she would be able to come to my house but the way she feels about me and the fact that she wont listen to anything I say...along with the tube and that she doesnt always know when its time to go to the bathroom that situation is looking bleek. She says she just wants to get into my car and go for a ride...then what...I know she won't want to go back to the nursing home. How do I talk with her? I keep trying to calm her but since she thinks she is capable of doing things she did 20 years ago its almost impossible. She is in a wheel chair and doesnt walk but one or two steps. All I have wanted to do was help her....

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Dear BallyGirl, my heart aches for your loss. As you grieve the loss of your mother, please know that you have been a wonderful, loving, caring daughter as you reached out for help to understand and meet her needs to the best of your ability. So sad that we can't all have a crystal ball to know exactly what is happening to the person we love so much. How fortunate for your mother that you were there for her no matter what.
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BallyGirl I just read your question then I got to the last one. So sorry you had to go through that. If you can understand this I am go through much of the same abuse, but she doesn't do that to my sister. My sister uses that stuff as an excuse to stay away and not care. Deep down I know that Mom treats me like that because she "knows I care" and I will never give up on her. I learned to translate those mean words into I know you love me and thank you.. I just don't want you to see me like this!!! You will be blessed for your caring heart!
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Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother, Ballygirl.
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I wanted to thank all of you who responded to my question...you all made me feel as if I could do what I needed to do...that which was in the best interest for my mom, also, just knowing there were others who understood what I was feeling was great comfort. Unfortunately, my mom started feeling ill, no one knew why...being in a nursing home they thought it was a uti, but she had stopped talking. She was admitted into the hospital Thursday afternoon by Friday morning she was having seizures. After a spinal tap they found she had bacterial meningitis. After just going through all that she had gone through to survive the hip surgery her immune system just wasnt strong enough to fight this new infection, even though it was five months later... she passed Saturday night. Mom could not speak from Thursday on. Strange as it may sound even a nasty comment would have been welcomed. As unsettleing as some days were I am just happy I had the time with her that I did.
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Gosh everyone; we must have the same mother! I'm experiencing exactly what you are going thru. Its heartbreaking because if they get a lucid moment -- you start second guessing yourself "mom's not so bad"; "we're making progress", etc. Their biggest fear is change -- particularly leaving their home and thereby losing control. They no longer can reason the little things that allow them to safely live independently -- feeding tube; making calls to get household things fixed; paying bills; laundry, getting to store; safely preparing foods and safely cleaning up so they don't food poison themselves...The outbursts are frustration; hatred is directed at their situation - not you -- but you are there so you get the brunt of it (they don't have anyone else who will listen to their rants and frustrations). IT HURTS; !! and we lash back just like we are 12....I can't give any advice; other than KEEP COMING TO THIS FORUM to feel better and keep your sanity. Accept it but don't let it get to you; it will but you have to have a friend, spouse that you can vent to and ones that will give you support and feedback to rationally keep going and make good decisions)You can't give in. You are in the best position as she is already in AL or out of her home. I'd keep her there. Bringing her to your home won't help unless you have the means to hire in-home help often and she will accept -- be prepared that she will complain and only want YOU to tend to her. If you work; she may not even eat or do anything until you get home and can give her attention (with or without the in home caregiver help). Everyone is correct; this is the disease talking and medications or not -- it won't get better in the long run. My mom is on Namenda/Aricept and living alone. She's only been on it 7 wks but I don't see any improvement because she no longer has the will to improve or stay as sharp as possible (she no longer wants to live without my father (deceased 3 yrs)). She cancels any doctor appts and is lucid enough that she has stopped taking my calls; removed me from being allowed any medical info (she signed a paper with Dr -- then rescinded two weeks later when I left town). Unfortunately, you will have be the parent here and do what is best for her. In your case; maybe they can treat the depression enough that she can rally and make physical and mental progress so that the dementia medication may keep her from getting worse. Its possible that you make get more happy moments than sad/humiliating moments as she starts to recuperate and feel better. PS. Don't take her for a ride or to her house unless you have another adult helper in the car with you.
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Dear Ballygirl, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, too. Believe me, I know the feeling all too well. My mother "hates" me so much that she will no longer allow me to come to her house nor will she answer the phone when I call...and I am her only child. I cannot even get her properly diagnosed as she won't let me take her to the doctor or get her help. The look in her eyes when she sees me is so full of hatred that it is crushing. I have been told to depersonalize her hatred towards me, too, but it is incredibly difficult, so I know what you are feeling. I hope that they can find a med to help your mom and you as they did for 1gardngrl. In the meantime, I wish you the best.
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Sorry Ballygirl...I hit the submit button too quickly....so, I lost my self confidence and felt like giving up all the time...I reached out for support to help me cope with the acute distress I was experiencing which did help. A geriatric psychiatrist tried a variety of medications to help with behavior issues and finally found "the one that worked for my mom". Eventually, she felt much better and the last five years have been so much better. She was able to recognize the difference and to verbalize to me that 'the fight was over, and she felt better than she had for years. We were able to regain the loving relationship we had enjoyed previously. As her dementia continues to evolve, she has frequent outbursts when bothered, but again this is the progression of her illness and is expected. The experience we had with medications may not be the same for you and your mother, however, the mother you knew is not likely to return as the reason is organic, not anything you are doing wrong. I guess this is the difficult situation we find ourselves in when we have to parent our parents. I wish you peace within yourself and the ability to trust the decisions you have to make as your mothers illness progresses. I'm pretty sure she raised you to be a wonderful woman and daughter, she just can't tell you that anymore. You have to believe in yourself...you are the most important person in her life now, as she was when you were a little girl. Hugs and Hugs and Hugs to you.
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Dear Ballygirl, It is highly unlikely that your mother hates you. The most important thing I have learned is that dementia robs the patient's brain of the ability understand what they are saying or how it affecets their family and loved ones they say it to. We are much better able to help the person, we love so much, if we can learn not to personalize their behavior. This is an organic issue, not a love issue. The dementia robs the person of who they were. Your mother has lost every element of her prior life, everything that was familiar and lent a feeling of security for her. If you had a loving relationship with each other before the dementia robbed her of herself, that is what is important to remember. It might help to think of how you might feel if you were in a similar situation....and gather the courage to rely on the loving relationship you had before all these changes took place in her life. I know from many years of experience with my mother that every effort I made to make her life better, happier, safer, was met with resistance, bitterness and anger. It hurt so much and robbed me of my self confidence, and
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brandywine1949, I appreciate your response. I have POA. For about a month now mom has been taking an antidepressent and they have started her on alzheimers medication, she has started eating well enough that they are talking removal of the feeding tube...physically she is getting stronger but I am not seeing improvement mentally. I have started going to see her everyother day and when she starts to argue I find excueses to leave. Its almost impossible to talk with her because she is constantly going back to would I just take her home, would I just let her get into my car and drive her down the street to her home. When I dont she gets angry...do you think this will ever subside?
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Who has POA? Like you said she has dementia and depression. She is not in her right mind. I really feel for you. I don't know what to tell you. There probably isn't anything you can do, except tell yourself to consider the source. And this is just my opinion, but don't be so involved with her. Take care of yourself.
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