Do I have the right to keep my Mom from returning to her home to live alone when I know she's unable to care for herself?

Thanks, everyone. I'm an only child, Rejoice01, though I do have a 30-year-old daughter. But she's not one to talk to doctors or take my mom for her exams. She works and has a 4-yr-old and doesn't live as close as I do so she very seldom helps at my mom's house. She would visit my mom more but my mom isn't close to her and would usually tell her that she wasn't up to company.

Hub I saw on another post that Mom fell and broke a hip - let me add to the voices hoping and praying for a good recovery and now, hopefully you have some backup in getting an alternative living arrangement going for her even if she still objects! So many people have had it go this way - not being able to change anything until the bad thing happens - and hoping it is not TOO bad of a thing. Get with social work and discharge planning wherever she is and tell them everything you told us - and they'd better help you! Or if they don't, you let us know, and we go toilet paper their houses for you.

Hub, there are some good suggestions here. I will add mine. My parents both have dementia, and both have orthopedic issues that make it tough for them to get around. My Dad falls a lot as well. My sisters and I take turns caring for them 24/7 in their own home, as they are completely unable to be left alone for longer than an hour or so. (My folks are a couple of years older than yours.) My Dad does pretty well with us being there, but Mom still wants to feel like she is independent and in control. At times she is very nasty, and tells us she wants us (whichever daughter is there at the time) to leave.

When this happens I tell her that this is not an option. However, if she is not happy with the current situation, she could hire strangers to come in 24/7, which would cost about $10,000 a month. OR, we could find her a facility where she could have 24-hour care from medical professionals, if she would prefer. So, what'll it be, Mom?

At this point she generally pouts for a while, but she stops complaining - for a few days, at least. I phrase it the way I do because 1) It's TRUE, and 2) it gives her the sense that she does have some control. She obviously hates her alternatives, but these are her ONLY alternatives.

As for some of the other suggestions, if her doctor won't back you up, I believe you can go to the Probate Court to apply for Legal guardianship and POA. She would have to be declared unable to act in her own best interests. This does not mean she is crazy, it just means she can no longer make sound decisions for herself. In most states it requires her doctor to sign off on it, as well as a psychological evaluation.

I'm curious do you have any family support? Are you single, married? I too am in the identical same situation with my 90yr old mother but I'm single working FT and have minimal family support. But by reading your post it sounds like your alone in your situation. I will say this website has been a Godsend since my life completely changed a month ago when my mother moved in with me.

Oh Hubble, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! Let us know how it's going, please!

So sorry to hear about your mom's broken hip. Hope the surgery and recovery goes well. If anything good comes out of something bad hopefully she will now understand that there's no way she can live alone any longer.

Oh no. Hubble, don't be scared. After the surgery goes well 😇 she will need to be in a nursing home, then assisted living... I hope she'll understand things more now. You were right before, and whatever you decide as things unfold is right, no arguing. I am so sorry for her, that has to hurt something awful. Big prayers for her, and for you. hug, Lisa

What I've feared all along has happened. My mom fell again last night and this time she's broken her hip. The doctors are meeting to discuss surgery. Please pray for her.

My mother, too, would consider living in my home worse than death :) and that's one of the nicer things she'd say! hahaha It's just an expression that your mom wants that independence back, as everyone said. So most things are fine with her being there; the moment I saw one dig in her leg I'd tell her 'We go to a new Dr/geriatric specialist, or I can call elder services to come assess, your choice.' The risk and pain of infection is too great. I like the sound of your new plan! Less work at her house and yours, more paid assistance on chores. I'm 49 and I pay like five people to do stuff at my house... takes a bit of surrender of Superpower status, but you can have tea and read a book while you work through it. ;) It's a new page, to surrender to how it is and feel okay inside yourself. We didn't create how things are, we're only pawns. Your desire for what's best for her is the thing that matters, outside of that there will be slip-ups and unforeseen events. I love your airplane thing, I use that a lot! Your dog is a good example, and spending time with him is good for your soul... partake liberally! Also, we need some regular time around those who are completely well, we need to feel connected to that 'vibe' as well to keep strong. Sending good thoughts for you for the next few days while you feel things out. Please be prepared for her not to like some of the decisions you make along the way; she has a say but not control... that time is gone and again, that's not your doing or hers, it just is.

Fortunately mo mother came to live with me of her own free will. I feel so blessed. She is 103 and was able to live alone up to 99.
My suggestion is to have your mother declared incompetent, then take over her care and living situation. Can you get live-in help so that she can stay in her own home? I'm spending my mother's VA pension $1000 per month to have someone live in with us and work 25 hours a week. The good part is that this person is here to prepare meals or to make sure my mother eats meals that I prepare, because, like most elderly, she will eat crap - cookies, chips, cereal etc.

I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't well, freqflyer. Yes, I am going to take it easier. I am going to hire people to do things I did before. I was pushing myself way too hard. I definitely need some rest. I'm still trying to follow and learn from the inspirational example of my dog! He has been through so much - hit by a car when he was a year old, taken to the vet with a broken clavicle and abandoned there by owner, put in a pound where he sat in a cage for 6 months, was just about to be euthanized for becoming cage aggressive when he was rescued by a group at the last moment, sat another 3 months in their facility when I adopted him, being trained and learning to trust again for the next year, only to be struck down by IVDD, becoming completely paralyzed in the hind end. Surgery and PT got him back on his feet though he remains incontinent both bladder and bowel, can't scratch his head and drags his right foot. But he remains happy, happy, happy and enjoys each moment of his day. He knows how to live in the moment, doesn't dwell on the past or worry about the future. I'm really trying to learn from his example.

Prayers for your complete recovery.

hubblegal, I use to be the handyperson in my household, use to do all the landscaping, had a super clean and very organized house, use to shovel my driveway and my part of my parents' driveway, I use to get 20 bags of mulch for them and drop the bags wherever Dad needed them.... I thought nothing could stop me unless I get hit by that preverbal bus.

Well I got stopped, was diagnosed with cancer that came out the blue with no warning and no markers saying that would happen to me.... yikes... my life had totally changed.... I can't do landscaping any more... forget shoveling driveways.... just taking laundry downstairs to the washer can be tiring... I am thinking of hiring cleaning people to come in twice a month.

Your life can change overnight.... then what would your Mom do? Of course your Mom will want you to continue doing what you did before. It is so very difficult to stop doing things. I had to cut back 75% on driving my parents, no more Walmart/Target or going to the mall, I will take them to doctor appointments, and pick up their groceries which are already for pick-up when I drive up to the store [I order them on-line].

Imaging trying to find your Mom a qualified assistant living facility when you are trying to recover from a serious illness.

Zdarov, I had the same thought. Her bed's still here as I keep stalling on moving it back. But she hasn't visited my home in years - I go to her - and there's no way I'd be able to get her back here. I can see how much more confused she is right now than she was before she came here and I feel my well-intentioned offer of having her live here has only made things worse. Of course, she did come willingly but I know she would never try it again willingly and if I tried to trick her to come over, it would not be pleasant. She's not mean by nature but when she's angry, she says some pretty horrible things. She already told me that she would rather be dead than live here, despite my good care of her, and I couldn't live like that on a daily basis, which I know it would be if she didn't want to be here.

She really messed up her pills yesterday. I have a pill organizer for the several days of weeks divided into AM and PM and she's done fairly well with it with my consistent telephone reminders. I went over Thursday afternoon and her pills were fine. When I went there yesterday afternoon, Friday night pills and Saturday morning pills were gone. I called the doctor and he told me what to look out for and if I saw any problems to take her to the hospital. But she seemed absolutely fine physically and is fine today. I took her pills and explained that I would bring Saturday night's pill over tonight. This morning she was calling in a panic that she couldn't find her pills and had absolutely no recollection of what had happened yesterday.

I know what several of you have said about adapting to nursing homes but without going into several nightmare stories, I truly am terrified of forcing her into one. No, she shouldn't be living alone but she chooses to do so and yes, I could give her better care here but she doesn't want it. I can't help but feel that she would be better off where she is, with my continued help, than in a nursing home. Both times, she deteriorated drastically in just two days. So I'm afraid I'm back to where I was before she came here. Falls can happen at my home, falls can happen in nursing homes. She does carry her cell phone in her walker so it's always near her. I live close enough that I can go there twice a day to give her pills. And I can cook for her a couple of times a week and bring it to her. No, I can't make her eat it but she does eat more at home than she did in the nursing homes.

I'm hoping that her increased confusion will calm down once she settles back down at home. The move here has really thrown her. I'm going to make a very determined choice to be much more careful of my own health and try not to worry so much. I know how I was when she was in the nursing homes - I got terribly sick both times she was there. As hard as she's finding it to accept the fact that she's no longer able to care for herself and should have more help, I'm finding it even harder to accept the fact that I'm losing my mom and best friend. I will get medical help for myself if I don't feel better. And if my mom gets worse, if I find that she isn't eating or starts digging at her legs again causing the extent of injury that she has in the past, I now know to call Adult Protective Services and will do that. So I do now know that I have someone to reach out to which is a huge relief. I just want things to calm down for a few days to see where we are. I think my constant worrying, constantly asking did you eat, did you take your pills, how are your legs, etc, etc, etc. has only made things worse. I have to back off a bit. As they say on airplanes, if there is a crisis, put your own mask on first so than you'll be able to help your family with theirs. My health and life is just as important as my mom's is and I WILL take better care of myself. I'm as independent, if not more, than my mom is and do everything myself. If it snows, I'm shoveling my driveway and hers. I do all of our yard work except cut her grass, which we hired someone to do. I replaced all the guts of my toilet a few weeks ago. Call a plumber? Nay, I can do it! I have to accept the fact that I'm no kid anymore either and will hire people to do things that are difficult as that is also wearing me down. Her lawn guy can trim up her yard this fall. I'm not running over this winter starting her car every few days either. If she refuses to get rid of a car that she no longer uses, than the battery can die and it can just sit there. I try to fix everything in my family's life and I have to stop it. This whole thing has been a real wake-up call for me.

Thanks again, everyone.

My youngest aunt had the same problem with her older brother, who was single, and she called Adult Protective Services. In that case, that helped him to get into an assisted living apartment. He didn't like it since he enjoyed his privacy, but my aunt could not keep looking after him.

Oh my gosh, I see my future after reading all the postings. Because some day my parents won't be able to keep living in their single family home.

One day I gave my parents a brochure for a great retirement community just a few miles down the road which they could easily afford... it would be like living in a 5-star resort.... I was almost ready to sign myself up :) Couple days later I asked my parents what do they think? Dad said the community looked nice but maybe they would move, in a couple of years..... HELLO.... you are 92 and 96 !!!

One thing I am glad I never started doing for my parents was going over to their house to help with the cleaning and/or the cooking. I figured since they are adults with clear minds but stubborn, they made the choice to remain in their own house, thus they have to live with that choice. And they choose not to bring in hired help, again they have to live with that choice. Guess I am lucky that in the past decade they pay someone to mow their lawn, and to pay a CPA to do their income taxes :)

Now if only I could convince Dad to subscribe to an alert system as he occasionally falls.... he says that is only for old people plus he doesn't want to pay the money.... [sigh]

I'm impressed with hubblegal, and all these answers. Not only is hubble a terrific person, her mother's not mean... acting stubborn, yes, but not mean. For this I am so glad! Is it me, or should you get her stuff and bring it back to your house and keep it there? How costly would it be to let her take a taxi, then you go get her, over and over? :) Just thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe one time she goes back, her stuff isn't there, and she loses emotional attachment to it? She's not eating food there, so don't have it there... Just adding an idea that I haven't seen here yet. Bless you, what a great daughter you are, hang in there... and as others have said, be careful with yourself too. Maybe you can enlist a friend to check up on YOU on a regular basis, that has helped me. hug.

As I read through all of the questions and answers it was as if I was relieving 2009 and 2010. My father passed in 2000, my mother had just had knee surgery a few months before and at first she did well, but never really recovered and could not walk on her own again. For a few months a cane, then a walker then a wheelchair, which she could not maneuver by herself in her home because of small hall and doorways. I lived 124 miles away with 5 sons and a husband to care for. At the time one brother and one sister lived within walking distance of my mother. I gladly took my "turn" of driving back/forth, pay road tolls, buying gas and leaving my family for 8 days at a time. Finally even with my help my sister said it was just too much. During this time my one brother that lived close was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. O boy! I told my sister that mother could come live with me. Like your mother...all I hears was a big NO! She had already told my sister that too. After about 8 months of this running back and forth my sister said no more! She found an independent facility that house no more than 5-6 women only. She was not happy there. She lost every bit of her independence there and I saw a major decline in her health (dementia diagnosis changed to full blown Alzheimer's , pain patch added, more meds! Crazy cycle!). Then the independent facility said they could no longer keep her due to her failing health...keep in mind it feel dramatically while there!). This facility sent her to hospital...locked psych ward...because of her Alzheimer's ). She stayed there for about 17 days then my sister calls me and says the hospital says they can no longer keep her...she needs to go to a hospice house. Wow! Was I ever shocked because I was still driving every 5th day to see her. They are moving her by ambulance and she'll be at hospice house by 6 pm...can you stay with her 24/7? Of course I can! But in my mind I was thinking we might not be at this point yet if she had just come to live with me! I'm angry! (Hindsight you see....). Off I took and actually found the place and had a tour of the facility before she arrived. From Nov 30 to Dec 25 I only left her for less than 20 hours to drive home and attend a funeral of a nephew who died of complications of a car accident. Her care there was wonderful, but I've said all that to say this: I would have brought my mother to my home and she would have all of her things that she wanted and I just feel that her quality of life would have been a zillion times better. Maybe I am selfish in saying this but I could have had her a bit longer too. Now this may not be the answer for you or for others, but it believe it can be used as a possible consideration for you and others. I know the struggles and the hardships you are dealing with and I pray that you can work it all out...it's not an easy road. Take care!

Hubblegal....I feel like I wrote everything you just wrote. I, too, am going through the same situation. My Mom has dementia and wants to go "home". Last night I had a total melt down. I wish she would understand. This is so hard. I just want to let you know that you aren't alone.

So sorry you're going through this. Your mother obviously can not live on her own, and it sounds as if she wouldn't want visiting nurses -- although she needs them -- and night not want a paid companion, either. As heartbreaking as this is, it might be time for her to go into some facility, either assisted living, or in a worst case scenario a nursing home. Many of us here have put loved ones in nursing homes and feel guilty about it, but we sometimes have to recognize that the caregiving is too much for us, affecting our own health adversely, and our loved ones are better off being looked after by professionals. The chief thing is to keep Mom safe, which can not happen if she's living on her own. Again, sorry -- best of luck.

Countrymouse hit the nail on the head. The home she misses no longer exists. She is not competent to care for herself. You have done EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE
But time is not on her side and you can't keep up that pace to the detriment if your health and your commitment to your own family. I whole heartfelt recommend you get adult services to do an assessment and help you figure out the best options to care for your mom. Call the social worker at your local nursing home. They can at least point you in the right direction. They are very kind, compassionate people and a wealth of knowledge. You may have get her declared incompetent, which she is, so you can make these decisions for her. Don't feel guilty. This is just a part of the horrible disease. You are an exceptional daughter and caregiver. Sometimes you just have to go to plan B. It's time. So sorry. I know it's hard. I've been there. God bless you and guide you.

Hubblegal, I was where you were about 1-1/2 years ago with my mom. If there's dementia there, it really doesn't matter much what she thinks she wants as far as "going back" or ever managing on her own again. Sounds like you've gone over and above trying to figure out how to make her happy. I don't think my mom will ever be happy again anyway, so I just do my best for her on a daily basis as she lives with me. My mom let her house and yard go to rack and ruin and ran me ragged before I had enough. I now ignore the pouting, knowing I'm doing all I can. She's better fed now. I take her often to see what few relatives we have left. She gets to church when she's able, and I take her weekly for her hair appointment. She did very little else on her own since dad died anyway. So when she pouts, I remind her that with her money, she can certainly move to a much nicer place anytime and probably be more entertained. She's better overall since she moved in with me. Maybe you should stop trying to convince her of anything and politely ignore it if you can and otherwise keep caring so well for her as you do. God bless.

When my mom lived at home she had these mantras...she didn't want to go somewhere where there was "high rent". I heard it so often I wanted to scream; I knew it was something that my dad had drilled into her. " The house is paid for... just the taxes...don't give up the house, it's your security". Well, we were able to instill a new mantra." The house is an asset...there are no sidewalks...no transportation...no easily available services". These things take time to shift in our parents' minds.

Dear Hubble, The only thing constant is change. What works one day will not work the next so don't be too quick to say she won't adjust. Eventually she will have to. I hope it doesn't take an accident but it may. We just continue to put out the fires as they arise. I pray your mom cooperates with you & your efforts on her behalf.

Hubble, I would be careful about drawing conclusions about what your mom's response to a placement now would be, based on her response to rehab after hospitalization. My mom also seemed to decline in her initial placement after her stroke. In retrospect, what we were seeing was the ling term damage from the stroke (vascular dementia) and not her response to the nh environment. I will also share that long before her stroke, when she was in the "mild cognitive decline" stage and her anxiety was at its peak, we moved her to an assisted living place that was a poor fit. It was at once too much and not enough help. We eventually found a lovely independent living place where she thrived for more than a year. I think you need to carefully analyze ehat yourmom's needs for assistance right now and figure out where that best happens in your community. I know you'd be happiest with her at your home, but it doesn't seem that's going to work out. Hugs!

Thanks, everyone. I'm still foolishly hopeful that she'll change her mind and come here to stay but I know that we've tried that twice now and she's insisted on going home and like you say, the whole cycle will start again. Unfortunately, she's done very poorly in nursing home environments before (two stays after hospitalizations) and declines quickly there. Those two experiences were more of a nightmare situation than her being at home alone, as scary as that is.

I'll continue to do what I can for her at her home but I do have to try to take better care of myself, too. I've lost 13 lbs in the last couple of months and am down to 100 lbs. I'm just heartbroken about her.

Thanks, everyone. All of you have been more helpful to me than anyone else I've spoken to over the past two years. Bless you all.

Hub, one more thought. When your mom ends up in hospital, for dehydration, a fall, whatever...make sure that she is admitted (not there for observation) and when the discharge planning starts, make it VERY clear to all that she is not coming to stay with you, even temporarily, or those whole cycle will start again. Most people of our moms' age just can't picture living anywhere but home and fight tooth and nail against the idea of assisted living...and then they adjust beautifully. Sometimes it's our own fear for them that keeps us from suggesting a nice placement with good food, socialization and activities. But it's amazing how well this can work when they are told by the professionals that it's time to take this step.

Hubble, you poor thing.

Well. You certainly do have a mother who knows her own mind! Phewf. The silver lining in this is that you know, for your own peace of mind, that she knows what she is doing, she has heard and declined your advice, and she has done what she wants to do.

Gulp. So now you can do two things: get her in front of a doctor by hook or by crook for an assessment of her mental competence; sit near the phone and wait for the crunch call, hoping it's a "Blighty" - an incident serious enough to change her point of view but nothing she won't swiftly recover from.

Meanwhile, life goes on, don't forget. This limbo period is hideous for the nerves, but keep busy - HA HA HA!!! - and it too will pass. Oh, and mind your boundaries when it comes to helping your mother now she's 'independent' again. Help, yes, of course; but have your own reasonable job description in mind.

Your doctor wimped out, you do need a geriatrician or comprehensive geriatric eval, and the help fromAPS. Big sigh. Wish it was easier.

You poor honey. You must be worried sick. Call aps tomorrow and request a wellness check. Call her doctor and alert him to the fact that she's home alone. I would not go over and help her out. I'm sorry if thst sounds cruel. But you have to make sure that you're alive to advocate for her; the stress and sleeplessness that you're describing could kill YOU. where would mom be then?

My mom became very insistent this morning that she wanted to go home. She kept saying that it was nothing that I had done, she just wanted to go home. I told her my daughter was coming over in the afternoon to talk to her but she said she could talk all she wanted to, she wouldn't change her mind. I told her I would not take her home as I felt I couldn't give her the care she needed unless she lived with me and I was afraid of what would happen if I took her home. She called a cab and went home. Later I took over all of her belongings except her bed and bureau which I'll need help with. I don't believe she'll go to a geriatric neurologist but I'll speak to her about it. I feel so helpless and unable to help her. It was such a relief when she was here and I knew that she had eaten and taken her medicine. I can't believe that just a few days ago, we were sitting playing cards here and drinking a little wine. I had thought she was staying for good and now she's back there. When I called her tonight at 8 pm, she hadn't eaten yet - she only had orange juice and her pills all day. She said maybe she would eat something before going to bed and I tried to convince her that she had to eat something and reminded her of what she had there to eat. She said she would take her pills.