I'm trying to keep my loved ones life normal as possible by doing things we always did, the nursing home feels that is disruptive? - AgingCare.com

I'm trying to keep my loved ones life normal as possible by doing things we always did, the nursing home feels that is disruptive?

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When he was with the general population, they told me how good it was for him. Now he is in memory care (nothing changed physically, just the location) and they feel like he shouldn't go out out so much because the staff doesn't get to know him. We go out for the weekends. He enjoys it, he's with people he knows and feels comfortable with and they want to cut him out of it. Of course, I am just the girlfriend sooooo. I also visit with him every day. If there are activities going on, I make sure he participates but they don't want me visiting so much either. What is your take on this

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sito2x, there is a valid reason why your boyfriend is now in memory care, which is a specialized level of care. A person isn't allowed to move into such a facility without doctor referral and the facility doing an assessment of his condition.

Please note that since your boyfriend just recently moved into this facility, about a week or so ago, it is very common for the Staff to ask that the family remain away so that the patient can learn his/her way around, learn the Staff, get to meet the other people living there, and be in a set routine. Those with memory issues do better with a regular routine.

You keep saying that the feedback was good in regard to your boyfriend after he came back from being out with you or having you there for the day. I wonder if the night Staff would be saying the same thing.

My Dad recently was switched to assisted living care because his memory is slipping... during the day he seems fine, just a typical 94 year old... but if he goes out for a doctor appointment or in any way his routine is changed, at night he becomes quite confused. For me, as probably for your boyfriend's daughter, it is very tough to watch, because I/she have known this person our whole life, and to see our Dads fade like this is so very heartbreaking.
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I will try to answer the questions as best I can. We have been together for 8 yrs. we did not cohabitate. I was his caretaker when he was home. The daughter did nothing. Last week was his first week in memory care. All I know is that when we was in general population, the feedback I got was how much happier he was when he returned. They also said how happy he was when I was there during the day.
Of course the daughter has power of attorney. She changed things he had in place at the dr's office where I cannot get any info. I feel like if he had that in place she should honor her father's desire. Has she done anything illegal, no, she is just not respectful to his wants even though they r not out of line.
Each time we go out, he is returned the same day. We do not have overnights. He gets to see folks he's been seeing for years at the same venue. The people make a big to do over him and it makes him feel good. He's always receptive about returning to the facility. He's not given me a problem. Those of u who have loved ones in a facility, do u not want to keep their lives as normal as possible or is it not the thing to do. So far, going out seems to make it more acceptable for him.
Thx for all the responses.
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Yes, you will get nowhere by annoying the daughter. How did she "set you up?" You apparently have no legal standing, which must be frustrating for you. How long have you been together?

You need to accept that you have no rights, and do what you have to to keep on her good side. If you don't, she can ban you completely. That sucks, but it's reality.
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I'm curious just what your relationship is to him as the term "girlfriend" can have so many connotations, there is a huge difference between his being someone who you were dating or the two of you being in a long term common law spouse relationship. Either way you will never get what you want unless you can find a way to get along with the daughter, who as POA has all the power in this relationship.
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Well intentioned friends and relatives often do not see the full picture when it comes to how trips out effect the person living in a facility. They see the smiling face that's happy to see them and the eager, energetic person anxious to go out. But much like a shared custody parent - who has the kids for a weekend of nonstop adventure and then drops the kids off over tired yet hopped up on sugar and junk food - they don't see the aftermath of the "harmless" adventure. Daughters like me and perhaps the one mentioned here, do not restrict visitors and outings because we're big meanies trying to make our parent as miserable and isolated as possible. We make the decisions we do in the best interest of our parent. Period.
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If I were the daughter and my father's girlfriend was encouraging him to see an attorney, even though he is in Memory Care, I would be alarmed. Have the doctor's found him incompetent? Do you intend to take him to an attorney's office? Is his daughter the Durable Power of Attorney?Has she done anything that makes you feel that she is not acting in his best interest?

I've never heard of a non-family member being allowed to take a person who is in Memory Care off of the premises. So, the daughter must have signed something allowing you do that. Is that the case?

Maybe, they feel that if you are present, he might not engage with other residents as much. I'd ask them to explain their motivations. I would assume it's for the patients welfare. Most places that I know of love to have a happy and contented resident. I can't imagine why they would work against that.
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sito2x, you mentioned that you and your boyfriend go out for the weekends... not sure what you mean, are you away with him for 48 hours or do you pick him up and go out for a few hours on a Saturday, and again on a Sunday?

One has to remember there are 2 to 3 shifts of Staff at a facility. What the day shift sees might be different from what the night shift observes, as MsMadge had written in her post above.

Patients with memory issues might get what is called "sundowning" where in the evening they become confused, not sure where they are, or what is going on. My Dad recently started with the sundowning and it has been difficult for me to wrap my own brain around what is happening. But I have noticed a pattern. If Dad goes out for a doctor's appointment or if it is one day where the routine is different, Dad's sundowning is much worse.

It could be that your boyfriend's daughter is also noticing that thus the reason for more of a routine for her Dad in the facility.
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His daughter keeps threatening that she can keep me from seeing him. She has the administrators and staff fooled. They don't know the real person. I was invited to join this meeting. I am just now beginning to feel like I've been manipulated. She is planning to have a meeting with the staff on Mon to see how things are going. I am not allowed to go to that meeting so I can hear first hand. She wants me "to work with her" but she is unwilling to work with me. I am so angry I could spit nickels. I am also angry with him because myself and others have been telling him to see his attorney but he procrastinates. It's going to get too late in time and he won't be able to do anything.
The administrator asked his daughter how much she wants me to visit, right now it's gone done to every day for as long as I wanted to stay to 3 days a week, 1 hr a day after not seeing him at all for a week. I can't help but feel like I've been set up.
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I agree with jeanne- unless daughter requests you not to go then be there as much as you want and he enjoys -
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Hey, I'd do what you are doing just as long as I possibly could, silo2x. The day will come when he can't spend extended time with you out of the facility. When it does, so be it. Until then, spend as much quality time together as you can, and as you want to. Consider your own needs as well, of course. Don't spend so much time there that it effects your health. Be respectful to the staff. Don't say what I'd have to restrain myself not to say! But don't be bullied.
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