How do you keep from screaming back when you are screamed at by mom?

Hi Ionehart. I'm relatively new here. It helps to read and see what others are going through. Inceredibly good suggestions on this site. I unfortunately don't have any for you because I would do the same things you are. But when I think I'm trapped, and getting depressed , I pull up this site And it really helps put things in perspective. We all can feel very alone and overcome with the burdens of caring for our loved ones. . Welcome and feel free to vent any time. I'm sure you will get constructive advice / suggestions from people who have mothers like yours. My mother pretty much sits all day and watches tv. But she does say thank you and seems to appreciate what my husband and I do for her

Ionehart, your profile doesn't say what your mother's disabilities are ... the reasons she needs a caregiver.

From your description it sounds like she has dementia. Definitely some mental health issue! What was she like while you were growing up?

Does it help to keep telling yourself, "This isn't my real mother. This is the mental illness."

Honoring you mother means (in my interpretation) seeing that she has life's necessities and the best care available to her. It may be that at this point in her mental illness she cannot receive the best care in her daughter's home. This is her limitation -- certainly not your failure. All of you might be happier and she might find some serenity if she were in a care center that could deal with her outbursts without getting emotional.

"Mom, I know you think we aren't doing our best for you. You are unhappy here, and that makes me very sad for you. I have found two very nice places where you could live and hopefully get the care you deserve. We can visit each and see which one you like."

And ionehart, please don't be too hard on yourself for losing your patience sometimes. You are in a very challenging situation.

My mom was a real sweetheart, always a please and thank you, never a mean word. Despite that the years of caregiving turned me into a screaming shrew. I got up in the morning determined to be calm and serene, but as the caregiving stretched into years my periods of serenity became shorter. When I reached a point where I found myself blowing up like Vesuvius daily, often within hours of getting out of bed, I knew that something had to change because this was not fair to either of us. Admitting defeat and placing mom in the nursing home was heartbreaking, but necessary.

Hi cwillie. You did the right thing. We all have our limits. And who knows how long "care giving" is going to last. This is so off topic, but my dad unexpectedly died about 30 years ago. That was hard but this is harder for me. Especially when your parent with dementia lives with you. It's a constant stress. Some days much better than others. Hope you have a good day

Like others, I try to stay calm and serene, but being verbally and emotionally abused by someone, regardless of what is going on in their brain, is VERY difficult to take and remain calm. Everyone says don't take it personally, but that is easy to say and hard to apply. Especially when that person is your parent. If there is any possible way to tune her out when she starts in, do it. I also agree with cwillie. My mom is in a facility and I cannot imagine where I would be if I weren't able to walk away when she is being really mean. If she were living with me, one of us would not be around very long.

My mom has Alzheimer's...not sure what your mom's conditions are but I would still approach it the same. Watch videos and read information on validation or dealing with challenging behaviors by Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. They specialize in demensia but I have used what I have learned when dealing with other difficult personalities.

Jeanne, once I had just taken so much of the negative verbal abuse from my mom. Yes I know it is the disease but it can still hurt your heart. I did similar to what you said, "Mom, I love you and I am doing my best but if you think I am doing such a bad job, I will take to to visit some nursing homes and you can pick one. No one else is willing or able to care for you. So you have me, or a nursing home." Interestingly she went quiet, and later told me she was sorry and loved me. I have always felt guilty for sinking to that level, but.... Well at least I did really see that she does, deep inside, appreciate me. I never did that again. Mom every now and then would have more "with it" moments and always would say sorry and that she lives me.

I also tell people that one of my grandsons (who was 18 months at the time) taught me how to deal with Mom. She was stage 5-6 Alzheimer's, in a wheel chair. He loved her so much and would come in, stand on her wheelchair foot rests, lovingly look up at her and say, "hi bramma marbo"... If she was in a grumpy mood, she might say, "get away from here"...he would lovingly smile, wave and say,"okay, bye" and go play for about 5 minutes. Then her would come back and again approach her with his same loving, happy way... Almost every time her attitude would shift and she would say, "I love you". They still have a very special little relationship.

After so many years of caregiving, mom was diagnosed in 2009, I have just found that if I am frustrated, I need to walk away. Go do laundry, mop the floor, take out the trash... Then reproach in a fresh positive attitude. It is difficult...I always say you couldn't pay me to do this job...only love for my mom would be good reason.

I have a similar situation with my loved one but with brain damage and dementia. She was mean, manipulative and paranoid. Our family doctor suggested a psychiatrist. The Psychaitrist put her on an antipsychotic and now she is a different person. She is calm and even loving . She still has her moments but it so much better. Maybe you don't have to change, maybe she does. I am not a big proponent of drugs but it was this or putting her in a nursing home. I am sending you hugs and prayers that you get this situation resolved. Also, your husband sounds like a saint for putting up with your mom's abuse. Good luck and may God bless you and your husband!

I don't. Usually it ends with us both laughing - almost like a contest of who can scream louder.

It's my DH and not my mom but you get the picture.

Dear ionehart,
I am having the same problem with my mom. Have you had her hearing checked? Because my mom can't hear good, she thinks everyone is talking about her too. It can get very frustrating sometimes. We are going to get her a hearing aid when she can get back on her feet after a big fall. I hate to say, but I just try and stay out of her way as much as possible, for my peace of mind! Best of luck to you!

Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's their personality disorder or a touch of dementia..or depression...or a combination of all these...it's still wears on your soul...all that negativity and rudeness. You don't want to lose your peace of mind..and sanity over this. I constantly tell myself don't react...don't react...she can't/won't change....I decided mom can't live with me...she's in a senior apt now...she loves it...she practices this craziness with residents there...seems older folks lose their filter?! They think...I'm old...I can say/do whatever I please. I also tell myself...I don't want to feel guilty when she passes..that I was unkind. It's self preservation in a way...I do it for me. I pray...a lot!! My heart goes out to you...as I too have yelled back! Lol...counseling is a must! Hugs!

Deep breaths. and lots of patience. My dad deliberately provokes all of us, actually has been like that his entire life. Last time we had a screaming match, the police came and social services came. Now he screams, we just ignore him until he calms down. It's taken 8 yrs to get to respond calmly. I wish you all the best.

Re reading your post...about not outing your mom...got you on that one also. Most people think my mom is won der ful...lol...they would look down on me...chose her position over mine..so I don't even go there...but my hubby and my brother get it...and a counselor really helps as well as this site...it's a life saver..really!!

ionehart, I could have written your post, every.word! Have you ever looked at narcissism as an explanation for your mom's criticizing behavior?
My mother has dementia mid stage 5/6 combo and lives in an Assisted Living Memory Care. She rarely yells at me but can get her digs in without doing it. Mother is an undiagnosed narcissist and the adult child of an abusive alcoholic father. I am her only child and adopted by she and my father at 7 weeks. He died 24 years ago next month. She continued to live her life in the house they built 3 hours away and came to live with me after total knee replacement in 2013 and again in Jan 2015. We managed okay but the interpersonal difficulties that had started becoming more frequent from 2005 to present only got worse after we built a house together in Fall 2015 and moved from our previous home of 23 years. The change of location really threw her into a tizzy and that led to an eventual dementia diagnosis. Mom was always jealous of my relationship with dad, still is and does not get that it is not because 'she had to work as a librarian' while we spent his days off together. He gave me very unconditional love and she does not have the capacity to do this but is very conditional with her love. The turning things around on you "saying I said shes stupid/idiot/brain damage" is called 'projection'. They (narcissists) think and feel these things about themselves but because of their fragile egos they cannot and will not admit it to themselves or others. Mom tells me all the time that "I hate her and do not love her" yet it truly feels that is how she feels about me as I feel emotionally abused much of the time. It may be that she hates herself and cannot love herself as my therapist has suggested. The reason I say she is a narcissist is because of all the reading on this website and after researching it it became clear I was dealing with not-a-normal-mother. Know that none of us can take emotional, verbal abuse and manipulation for long without an effect on us. Occasional outbursts are sure to come but think on this, she may just be wanting to get her narcissistic feed (drama) from you which is why she provokes. I hope you can get some respite from her tantrums and walk away from her anytime she starts in on you or the hubs. Hugs to you!

if it makes you feel any better, I have been where you are. it is the dementia you are arguing with. I have swore at my mother. I have read of those who have hit the one they care for. you are not alone. I do not judge you as I have walked in your shoes

Thankfully my mom has a sweet personality, but at times she gets mad at me and yells. I yell right back because I get so frustrated. Then I leave the room and fume. When I go back to her, she has forgotten all about it and we go on with life.

I made the mistake of yelling back on 2 separate occasions before I knew what was going on with Grandma. There were many times before that where I managed to stay calm, but I did so mostly out of shock from the sudden onset of the aggressive behavior. The first time I lost it she was accusing me of changing things in the yard to confuse her. She marched behind me yelling while I went to investigate, and I turned and sharply told her not to yell at me in front of my kids. The second time she was telling confabulated stories that I believed were lies at the time. While she was "lying" about me she called me a liar, I lost it and screamed "I'm not a liar". Innocent enough things to yell at someone who's yelling at you, but now that I understand what is happening to her, I just feel guilty for losing my cool.
It's time to get your mom a cognitive evaluation. Just speak to her doctor about it, and he/she will add it to her next exam.
I feel your pain. Grandma was fairly abusive to her kids (I didn't know until it came my way) so I spend a lot of time wondering how much of this is her disease, and how much of it is her personality that she hid from me my whole life. That's the hardest part. I can't just say "it's not her, it's the disease" because I'm discovering, at least in part, it is her.

Going through exactly the same thing as you are. My sister & I are at our wits end. Don't have an answer, but misery loves company! Good luck to you!

Dealing with the type of behavior your mother exhibits would certainly test anyone's patience! I'm sure most of us on this website have experienced it. Has your mother demonstrated this behavior before in her life or is it new? Has she been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's Disease? I would suggest you take her to a neurologist or a psycho-neurologist for testing. They can evaluate her and give you a definitive diagnosis. My mother was tested and diagnosed with dementia from Alzheimer's and her neurologist has prescribed a medication (donepezil) that helps with the confusion, memory loss, and awareness. It does not cure the disease but can improve the symptoms and slow the dementia process. It has helped my mother greatly and I have heard the same results from others. There are medications that can help your mother and are worth looking into. Good Luck and Bless You and your family.

It helps if you don't have to see the person every day. My mother wears me out with her questions (to which she now can't remember the answers) and then is very hard of hearing. I've started visiting every other day instead and just stay home in between.

I learned a lot about myself in the past couple months that I've been dealing with mom on a daily basis. I thought I could handle pretty much anything. I raised 4 kids and figured I could handle my mom even though she was always a negative mean person to me in the past and this dementia only makes it worse. Boy was I naive. I have found that it is VERY hard to not lash back at some of the mean, hateful things she said. But ultimately she is scared out of her wits and frustrated that she can't do the things she used to be able to do with ease. Understanding the why of it and having sympathy are one thing, actually dealing with it in the moment is another. I've had to forgive myself for not being perfect and sometimes lashing back. I try to be better with her each day and for the most part I am succeeding.

Now she's reached the point where she can't articulate like she used to and most sentences, while sentences with actual real words, make no contextual sense, so there is no more verbal abuse.

Now it's just wanting constant loving attention. And when I say constant, I mean constant. As in every moment of the day. And if there is no attention (say I look away and check my email for a minute), then the meltdown comes in the form of tears and threats of suicide. Sometimes I just have to walk away. I ask my husband to talk to her or take her outside. Or something just to give me a moment's peace. Sometimes, I take my phone in the bathroom and after telling her I have to go to the bathroom, that's when the fan goes on and I have my 15 minutes of peace.

I've ultimately learned my own breaking point. And while I feel a little guilty and wish I had more patience, my brothers and sisters agree that she would be better in a group home where she can have caregivers give her attention all day long and throughout the night and we can give her love and attention during the day but be able to leave when we need to without worrying that she is unsafe. I can handle the showering, cleaning up, med administration, and general helping that she needs.

But it's the constant attention I can't do. I'm only human. Even with my kids, they could occupy themselves for a few minutes at a time at babies and longer as toddlers. She cannot occupy herself for even a moment. It's devastating!

So I have a light at the end of my tunnel. When I get things settled with her medically in the next month or so, I will be moving her to the state where my brothers live (and where she lived before she came to live with me) and starting the placement process. I'm going to stay with her throughout that process then return home. I doubt she will like it, but at the same time she is always saying she hates it here and wants to go home, so I don't think she will be "happy" anywhere. I think we will all have to settle for safe and cared for.

You need to do whatever is necessary - to take care of yourself. Your loved one needs a medical evaluation to determine if a medication can keep her calm but not zoned out...maybe Ativan??

If your loved one doesn't qualify for Medicaid so you can put her in a nursing home and private pay isn't an option, then...how about noise cancelling headphones? I know this may read ridiculous but I use these whenever my mother is having the temper tantrum from H*ll. I actually double up; I wear ear plugs, put on the headphones and then do what I need do. My mother is very, very reactive whenever I or another caregiver touches her, like bathing her or changing her diaper. She just wants to be left alone. Just because I'm taking care of her doesn't mean that I neglect myself and I refuse to let her screaming blow my eardrums - and the neighbors, too. Before I doubled up on ear protection, her screaming would get to me and I would scream back at her some very nasty stuff. I would then immediately leave the room to cry it out. It was then I realized I have to do something because I was fully aware her screaming is the disease process.

I speak from many years of experience being a caretaker to my mother, my husband and a dear friend. Remember first of all, YOU are the caretaker doing a good deed for SOMEONE ELSE. I don't care what is wrong with them or why they do it. If medical intervention and whatever else doesn't work and you have tried to be kind and gentle and nothing stops the outbursts, you have every right to retaliate in kind and put them in their place. The trouble is it may not make them stop or understand what they are doing, BUT IT WILL RELEASE YOUR SAFETY VALVE SO YOU DON'T HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN FROM KEEPING IT ALL INSIDE Y O U. Then consider it may be time to remove them from your presence. After all, it is now YOUR turn to live and you deserve to live in peace. Do NOT allow this - I say fight back after you have tried everything.

I finally lost control and yelled "shut up!" to my mother just last week. She wants to argue with me about everything and she interrupts me every time I try to speak. She's also intelligent but very angry and bitter about her situation. I've been begging her for years to allow me to get her house cleaned up and purged of clutter, with no success. She just screams at me to leave her alone and stop trying to "control her life". She now has no choice. The house must be cleaned and decluttered or she will have to move out of her home. She's 86, very independent and stubborn. She doesn't understand why she has to remove the mountains of stuff from her house. It's everyone else's fault, especially mine. Well, it's all my fault that she has to have her house cleaned. The state Health and Senior Services caseworker called it a safety hazard and if it's not cleaned out, she'll have to move out. She takes things out of the trash as fast as I put things in. So, it all has to be done while she's in a different room or looking the other way. We're trying to help her but she sees it as interfering with her life. She says mean, abusive things to me every day. I've had three different counselors tell me to stay away from her and stop talking to her. I have done that to a certain extent over the past two months. What's happening now is a result of a crisis - she was injured in a car accident and spent a week in the hospital. My niece and I cleaned what we could while she was out of the house. When she got home, she was angry and outraged that her things had been touched. No appreciation for a clean and safe kitchen. Just nasty comments. A visiting nurse came to the house two days after my mother came home from the hospital. The next day, there was a visit from the state Senior Services caseworker because "someone" made a hotline call. It had to be the visiting nurse, but my brother and mother both accused me. I just told them that if I were to call the hotline I would have done so a year ago. I reminded them that I had predicted this would happen as soon as there was a problem - such as an accident and a visit from a visiting nurse, or a gas or electric company worker coming to the house due to a loss of service, etc. I had predicted that if a hotline call was made, she would have no choice but to allow people to clean the house. Of course, it's still my fault. I realize I'm venting my frustration and not offering any suggestions on how to handle a mean, angry person who screams at you. I am fortunate that I don't live with her and so I can leave when she starts being nasty to me. I've been leaving as soon as she begins the verbal abuse. Sigh. I can relate to everything you all are saying here.

Not everyone is a caregiver. Of Moms four children she could always make me feel guilty. My Mom was easy to care for but she had paranoid times when I got blamed. I tried to argue she was wrong but that doesn't work. They get something in their mind and that's it. What made it hard to take was it has always been me. I was the one she relied on all the time. And I got the flack. You just have to walk way. And the person who said she told her mother it was change or a home...got to do what you have to. Our roles have changed. We are now the parent and they are the child. They want it their way, understandedly, but it's not that way anymore. Such a shame our parents are living past the time they can take care of themselves. By the time they are in their 80s and 90s, we are 60s and 70s. We r winding down physically so it's hard on us too.

You get numb to it kinda, some things you just have to learn to egnore and not take personal, it's the sickness yelling not them. I just egnore them till they stop, let them ware themselves out, pretend there talking to the wall,because in actuality they are or might as well be. As long as they don't have any physical symptoms I just relax and let them go on. This is whare talking to your support group comes in.

Caregiving takes a large toll on even the strongest person. Do not engage in the  acrimonious behavior of your mother's. For your own sanity, you must not respond.

I can guarantee you that if given your situation it wouldn't take me long to leave and never return if you're caring for this person in her home. Now, if she is living with you, I personally would pack her up and load her up and drop her off at the hospital and then pay a visit to social services and let them take care of it. Hopefully she doesn't live with you, but if she does you can get her out of your house and save your sanity

Thank you everyone. Mom is living in her home and I live in my home except for when she needs me to spend night. We did do 24 hour 7 day a week care for a bit after her last hospital stay. We now have been going to her home every day for months. Shes a couple miles from me and when I am not there she calls about five times ;) ahem... The minimum time we spend there daily doing things for her is 3 hours and normal time is about six hours a day. Sometimes if there is something going on we will need to go back. My mom definitely has a mental issue (undiagnosed by a doc) I dont believe she has dementia. If she does have dementia then shes had it 30 years or more so I think it is just her. She has extremely rare medical condition. It is neurological. Calicifcations in the basil ganglia (deepest part of brain) She "fired" last neurologist who was the best in the state (awards, books, head of teaching dept. VERY good...who said he sees her case once a year maybe out of thousands he sees.) She hated him and his nine residents. She bad mouthed them all. And still does. Now I worked hard to get her another neurologist (normal six month wait but i got a doc to doc call - so less than a month we go - i used to work w her) and mom wants to cancel that appointment in August. I told her if she did then she could handle her own medical and i would not go to any of them with her anymore. That she didn't like as there are no neurologists in our town, meaning it is a drive and she doesnt want that. She removed herself off pills (used old pcs saying how to wean off) and wants to say her violent abnormal involuntary movements are just a pinched nerve. It is not. It is very serious. And 500 more times rare than Parkinsons. But some of those drugs work. When she was given ativan (as mentioned here in thread) and clonezapam she is pleasant to be around but she does not like them. Shes never been drinker ever...like one drink when 18...so any mood enhancer or anything to calm her down, she will not take. She had to take clonezapam as it worked WITH benzetropine (cogentin) to stop movements. She had acute hypnotremia caused by nonstop moving (including when on haldol, Valium, benadryl, morphine and so on (last time in hosp. To stop movements they tried everything. She was on a cocktail that about blew up!) but no one can move constantly like she was...not small tics but full blown exorcist movie stuff. It was a horror film truly and scared me so bad. My hub too. And I mentioned hes seen it all. Being retired law enforcement. Just further proof how our brains are! She also has an golf ball aorta aneurysm (doc says no to operating since not growing), carotid stent placed at 99percent block, thyroid not working, (on meds) htn, (on meds) broken hip (uses cane) and so on. These were all before the neurological last year. 3 cts mris eegs ultrasounds etcetc. She refuses to accept any brain issues and that could be part of it as some neurological movement disorders can include denial or not seeing what is really going on. She can be perfectly still and say shes moving all over (as today) and she can be flinging her arm way behind back or uncontrolled slamming it in to cupboards and deny anything is wrong. Personally, I have done some things different since I posted this. Ive been listening to lectures...shorter stuff like 18 min. Ted talks about neuroplasty. Or genesis neurons. Ive also been listening to hypnosis style music-words and meditation guided things. I will have that going in my ear while shes in other ear rattling negativity or complaining. Or as mentioned here in this thread I will take a trip to restroom and listen to something like that - just a time out thing. Plus...she has taken herself off the two neurological drugs (still faithfully takes all heart, thyroid, and high blood pressure pills, tons of vitamins.) She also took herself off one i "prescribed" as a india style med (herb) that helps brain...memory etc nor will she take the tea that is natural. Thats her choice and I am sure the new neurologist when he sees her will put her back on the meds or perhaps if she complains so then he may give another. I want to add I listen to those videos re; brain for myself not her as she wont do any of that. Ive tried. Several times. She will not go to counseling, group, psychiatrist, etc. None of it. Ive been suggesting it for years. Shes negative nanny and I am positive polly. I think cos I got it from dad or a business i owned in my 20s had guest speakers like zig ziglar or the big time ceos of companies who were successful in 80s and 90s and i study a lot of eastern medicine. Much is like 90 percent positive thinking. My brain has changed tho hanging out w mom who is really doom and gloom. Last time she said she was proud of me or thanked me for anything was 2004. It is difficult to be around such negativity and it does effect you. My hub is positive too but she insults us both and you can only take so much. I read you all here and see many of you say that wotever you are now you become more so. I dont recall moms meanness starting until abt 20 yrs ago. We would tell friends and they wouldnt believe but the last few years they do as they seen it and now they disappear. A little shocking for me to experience. So...I need you !! Thank you !!

ionehart,

I completely understand where you are coming from and how you feel. This is an everyday struggle that my hubby and I deal with as well. I am so sorry that she hurt you and didn't even acknowledge how truly stressed you were. Then to make jokes about it {{ HUGS }}. I too feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. That in its self is very frustrating!

I'm here to listen anytime. I may not have an answer for what you are going through all the time. But just sharing with others, I believe it helps us cope.

There is always great advice on this forum and usually, I read thru all the comments but today I truly do not have the time, :( . But I will come back later and read them, hopefully. My take on your issue is this. I absolutely empathize with you. My mom is in the later stages of dementia and in the past few months she has been yelling and screaming, name calling, and just overall negativity. Thankfully I started practicing meditation a couple years ago and that has been my saving grace. I just do not get as stressed out as I use to. When she is yelling, screaming, sometimes hitting, spitting because she's yelling right in your face, I just stay calm. I don't change my facial expressions, I keep my voice low, and most of all I don't let her get a rise out of me. I will tell her that I love her and that she doesn't have to yell, I'm standing right in front of her. Although it is dementia and not my mother acting this way, I have found staying calm and looking her in the eyes has worked 95% of the time. Now, I am only human and on a rare occasion I have yelled back and used one of her old sayings "Take me lord! Just take me now!" Funny, that usually stops her in her tracks, and she either stops completely or stops temporarily and then starts back in again. I have noticed over the last few years anyway, that mom goes thru phases, just like young children. Of course, some phases last a whole lot longer than others :). But, overall, I have found acting in a reactive manner doesn't help. Acting out of compassion, patience and love matters. Even if it doesn't appear to matter to the other person, it absolutely matters to you.
I'm not going to let dementia/Alzheimer's change me into a person I don't want to be around. I will, however, let it change me into a more caring, kind, patient and compassionate person. The many lessons to learn about yourself when dealing with someone who has dementia/Alzheimer's. Life changing in a powerful and positive way. Good Luck. Take care of yourself and hub.