How do we keep from feeling so mean?

it sounds like little stressors are just snowballing for you jesse. your mom just may not have the same metabolism or motivations of someone younger. if you brought up the issue of her pills i think it would help to figuratively stop the world from spinning until she does. in a passive aggressive way she might crave your nagging and reminding as additional attention. if shes somewhat of a slob, you might have to lower your standards and meet her halfway so to speak. i know shes driving you mad slowly but if she hasnt a lust for the great outdoors as you may have, it must sound ludacrist to her to be prompted to get outside. i work in the great outdoors i guess and when im at home ill be in my camaro bucket seat enjoying the great indoors. i dont really have any good advice i guess but i have empathy for your caregiver fatigue.
i have renter fatigue. im only minutes and one more dog yap away from putting on a one hour audio of the worlds most annoying dogs barking at about 150 watts and going to town to sleep tonight. people f**@in suck so im telling you my empathy is genuine.

Jess, Feeling mean = guilt, and I know you know that. You weren't being mean at all getting her to take her meds which she needs. I'm sure you have a ton of pent of resentment. The dirty dishes under the TV would drive me up the wall when she is capable of making some soup. Arrgghhh!

And refusing to do anything for herself, or trying to get better. I've walked that walk with my mom alone for over three years now, the prior seven with my dad before she wore him out and he got brain cancer and died.

He took her to therapy all the time after her knee broke on three separate occasions. She quit. Bought her weights for strength training, an exercise bike, helped her every step of the way, but she'd have nothing of it.

When she moved in with us, my brother made her promise she'd work on her walking before he went back to Europe. Ha-ha-ha. My dad couldn't make her do it, and I was mean to even suggest it. She loves being the victim and will do nothing to help herself, nothing!

Now she's wheelchair bound in an AL and resents the h*ll out of me to take a weekend off and will do nothing to help herself again in regards to making friends, speaking up for herself if somethings not to her liking, etc. She tells me if she doesn't like something and has me speak up for her. I'm so sick of it. It's always poor widdle me with a kick of piss and vinegar....and guilt.

I struggle with the same stuff daily. It's horrible, isn't it? I go up and down with good days and bad days. It does wear you down. Just know you're not alone in feeling 'mean'. You are NOT at all. Parents resent the role-reversal, as I'm sure I will someday too. (Hope not!, but who knows?) YOU are doing your best in a very difficult situation. Hang in there knowing you are not alone.

Tell her she is going on a cruise. Take her to AL. She might even like it.

This is a very tough problem. It sounds like your Mom has tuned you out, and isn't listening. I find taking these intractable problems to my shrink is very effective, if you could find a good one they are invaluable. Sometimes stepping back and taking some respite time helps. Also I find answers come after I have taken a long walk. I start to see the other person side, and I find better ways of dealing with the intransigience.

I hear you. I hate when I am nasty after a tough week, or when I have a headache. I try to remember that my caregiving is my gift to my Dad. It is an act of love. I concentrate on the love, and I become gentle and happier. I focus on me and my gift, not the annoyance, and things are better. I learned from a shrink a long time ago. You can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them.

I wish I could be more helpful, as you have given me hope, courage, and great advice. I am grateful for your wisdom and generosity. I know you will find a way.