How do we keep from feeling so mean?

This is a very tough problem. It sounds like your Mom has tuned you out, and isn't listening. I find taking these intractable problems to my shrink is very effective, if you could find a good one they are invaluable. Sometimes stepping back and taking some respite time helps. Also I find answers come after I have taken a long walk. I start to see the other person side, and I find better ways of dealing with the intransigience.

I hear you. I hate when I am nasty after a tough week, or when I have a headache. I try to remember that my caregiving is my gift to my Dad. It is an act of love. I concentrate on the love, and I become gentle and happier. I focus on me and my gift, not the annoyance, and things are better. I learned from a shrink a long time ago. You can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them.

I wish I could be more helpful, as you have given me hope, courage, and great advice. I am grateful for your wisdom and generosity. I know you will find a way.

Tell her she is going on a cruise. Take her to AL. She might even like it.

Jess, Feeling mean = guilt, and I know you know that. You weren't being mean at all getting her to take her meds which she needs. I'm sure you have a ton of pent of resentment. The dirty dishes under the TV would drive me up the wall when she is capable of making some soup. Arrgghhh!

And refusing to do anything for herself, or trying to get better. I've walked that walk with my mom alone for over three years now, the prior seven with my dad before she wore him out and he got brain cancer and died.

He took her to therapy all the time after her knee broke on three separate occasions. She quit. Bought her weights for strength training, an exercise bike, helped her every step of the way, but she'd have nothing of it.

When she moved in with us, my brother made her promise she'd work on her walking before he went back to Europe. Ha-ha-ha. My dad couldn't make her do it, and I was mean to even suggest it. She loves being the victim and will do nothing to help herself, nothing!

Now she's wheelchair bound in an AL and resents the h*ll out of me to take a weekend off and will do nothing to help herself again in regards to making friends, speaking up for herself if somethings not to her liking, etc. She tells me if she doesn't like something and has me speak up for her. I'm so sick of it. It's always poor widdle me with a kick of piss and vinegar....and guilt.

I struggle with the same stuff daily. It's horrible, isn't it? I go up and down with good days and bad days. It does wear you down. Just know you're not alone in feeling 'mean'. You are NOT at all. Parents resent the role-reversal, as I'm sure I will someday too. (Hope not!, but who knows?) YOU are doing your best in a very difficult situation. Hang in there knowing you are not alone.

it sounds like little stressors are just snowballing for you jesse. your mom just may not have the same metabolism or motivations of someone younger. if you brought up the issue of her pills i think it would help to figuratively stop the world from spinning until she does. in a passive aggressive way she might crave your nagging and reminding as additional attention. if shes somewhat of a slob, you might have to lower your standards and meet her halfway so to speak. i know shes driving you mad slowly but if she hasnt a lust for the great outdoors as you may have, it must sound ludacrist to her to be prompted to get outside. i work in the great outdoors i guess and when im at home ill be in my camaro bucket seat enjoying the great indoors. i dont really have any good advice i guess but i have empathy for your caregiver fatigue.
i have renter fatigue. im only minutes and one more dog yap away from putting on a one hour audio of the worlds most annoying dogs barking at about 150 watts and going to town to sleep tonight. people f**@in suck so im telling you my empathy is genuine.

lol. if i kick on the audio ill let you guys know. im not going to town tho, screw that, i own this hill. ill sit here and groove on it for the entire hour. some people just dont understand plain english. in the case of miserable animal owners who live in denial of the filth that they live in and subject others too, its totally a mental illness thing. i read, remember?

I try to keep my head up with my mantra "Every new day is a new beginning." Silly me. Quickly my mantra degrades into "Every new day is Groundhog Day." I try to stay in her corner, though, because she needs someone there. It is a lonely corner. Her two living sons don't seem to care about her at all. One of them -- her golden baby -- has become quite rude to her. It makes her upset when she calls him and he is so short with her. He doesn't have any social skills, so I don't think he realizes how he makes her feel. I think he may have a touch of his father's Asperger's. That is the only thing I can figure. Either that or he's a jerk.

Today I woke up and decided to spend some time with her. My mother's memory slipped the past two weeks. Remembering to take her pills even after being reminded is part of it. Today I decided the dirty dishes under the TV and the clutter in the rooms were not going to bother me. I would just sit and keep her company as much as we could stand. It worked pretty well.

Caregiving does take a heavy toll on us. We have to watch things that don't make sense. For example, my mother puts towels all over the toilet frame and on the floor. I don't even ask her why, because I know the explanation will be that something is wrong with the floor and wind is blowing through it. I just pick up the towels to keep things safe and wash them. Then she puts them back down -- what a trip hazard. Everything I say to her has to be said three times, so she can hear and comprehend. And, of course, everything she says to me has been repeated for years -- not her fault, she's making conversation. Still it takes a toll to live this way.

Somehow I don't get depressed. I think it would be called despair. I know that most of the people on the group know the feeling. It is like trying to work through a mental maze that has no exit that is big enough for both her and me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still sane or if I ever was. I know I'm tough enough, though. I just don't like having to pull myself out of a situation in order to keep things going. It makes me feel like a case manager, instead of family.

Oh Jess I hear you!! It does help to vent doesn't it?

JB, there comes a time when you just grit your teeth, accept what you can't change and just let them be. Some days I could get my mom to do things and cooperate, some days I couldn't. On the days I couldn't, when she resisted me, I let it ride. As long as you suggest but don't badger it's cool. Now, that's not saying that sometimes you have to get a little more tough. Sometimes my mom didn't want a bath one week. Ok, I let it ride. The next week if she resisted, I had to cajole and prod her a little, telling her how nice it would be, how warm and refreshing, etc, and then she'd usually do it. If they want to avoid people and life, hell, LET them. I don't want to be around people and life atm either and I'm only 48. lol I can only imagine how I'll feel if I make it to my 80's or whatever. I don't like people telling me what to do NOW, I'm damn sure not going to like it when I'm old. The elderly aren't stupid. Disease or no disease they know what they want. Other than sheer necessities that have to be done, leave them alone and let them live out their lives as they please. If they want solitude and don't want to be around people, so be it. I've never been the most social person. I like being a loner. I'm most comfortable in my own surroundings, in my own element, alone or around a handful of people I know and trust completely, nobody else. I can only imagine what I'd feel like if my boys pushed socializing on me when I was elderly, or took me to some day care around strangers. God for freaking bid. Gah, I'd rather be dead.

I went with my mom's vibe. Life was a lot smoother that way. You can't force people into being and doing what you want no matter how 'good' your intentions. Just let them be and go with the flow.

My mom left dishes on the floor and all that crap, too. I simply picked them up and washed them. The end. What's the point in saying something about it when it's just going to happen over and over again? You'd be frustrated and bitching around the clock. Again, accept what can't be changed...it's all part of the daily routine...

Growing up, I always avoided my narsassist mother, but was always polite and respectful. I left my own home in 2008 and came here to care for my Dad untile he died, in my arms, in 2010. I stayed on to help her and to keep her company until (against my better judgement) she moved my brother in who had just got out of jail after 14yrs. That's all a different topic. He's long gone with all her belongings.
Last Feb.2013 she begged me to move back, as we could be buddies and do things together, etc.and she didn't want to be alone. From day one, without realizing it, I very slowly began to be her slave.The more I'd do, the less she'd do. Everyday, I would encourage her to do something or go somewhere, with me. I would tease her a little saying 'a body in motion, stays in motion'. She is of very sound mind, so I thought she was just depressed. July 30th.was our last day out. It was a trip to her pulminoligist (for COPD) who gave her a pretty good prognosis and told her to keep active. We went to lunch and she kept going on about how she wasn't going back to anymore Drs. within the next week she went upstairs, got into bed and has been there ever since.
And now to get on topic of being mean. I wait on her hand and foot, some days she asks me to feed her, as she can't lift her arms, she is in diapers now as she can't get on the bedpan anymore. ( I have a little hidden camera on her and watch her, she can do all sorts of things) I can't even begin to describe the manipulation she puts me through.In order to keep from going insane, I constantly remind myself this was ,HER CHOICE, then say the Hail Mary....lol
This last Monday, she had me call her "Golden child" to tell him she wanted to go to a nursing home where she can get proper care and that I am so mean to her...REALLY???? Thank God, this brother and I are very close and knows better. Although, inside and not so deep anymore I'd like to ring her neck. Maybe she senses that, when I'm smiling through my teeth...lol
Moral of the story ...keep your elder moving as much as possible. As difficult as care giving is, to add the resentment, that all this could have been avoided along with the feeling of being used. I'm sure caregiving would be a lot easier if she were really sick.

I just cope by becoming a "zombie". I clean, cook look for ways to cope like a walk weather here is awful but hey springs coming! I now look for things to do to stop me "cracking". Kathys right you find a place in your head and learn to go with the flow? i let my mum do whatever she wants now and just turn up like a zombie later and clean it all up.
I am in "groundhog day". everyday is the same but hey shes happy at the tv and knitting being waited on washing and ironing done in fact i do all the housework as a therapy an excuse to keep out of her hair!

Ive put her down for daycare!!! well thats not going to happen all i can do is try if she dosnt go then what the hey! im past caring. if shes happy to watch tv all day then why annoy her. I feel selfish sometimes and i dont really know why because i prefer her at the tv all day than wandering around the house "looking for things" OR "creating a mess somewhere". Does that make me mean? im done trying to get her outside she dosnt want to go. They say dementia patients find thier "comfort zone" for mum its in front of the tv in the front room i guess she feels safe there so i have to let her at it.
Just wish I had money to get out and do things everyday wouldnt it be great to go to a SPA everyday then be ready for whatever "shit" lies ahead when we come home!
We would just float in the door with a big smile energised and ready for any crap (literally).
Oh dream on! I tell you if i won the lotto id be in a spa all morning hire a nurse for mum and "do lunch" and "shopping". I know we all have our dreams! hey i won 10 dollars yesterday??? yep things are looking up. Ok i bought a pkt of fags and have had 2 SHOOT ME!

Captain i want to go over there and hug that dog and take him away with me! there are devices you can get to stop a dog barking. I have enough to worry about in my life and NOW i have that damn dog to worry about. I would kick the lodger out keep his dog and give him so much love hed only bark when there was a burglar!!
I always imagined you as an animal lover i imagined you living in the country with lots of different animals running around your land!
Give that dog a big hug for me poor thing hes just looking for love and attention LOL I know who isnt!

whodathink, wow, I thought my mom (living with me) was a hermit. Your mom has my mom beat! Of course, the only reason she goes anywhere or does anything is because I insist. Mom's reply to my requests? Whatever. I don't have a choice. Whatever you want me to do. etc. etc. Guess what? If we did it mom's way she would look like an unkept ragamuffin and I wouldn't know health wise (without bloodwork and doctors' appointments) how she was doing. When mom fusses I tell her It's not just about her anymore, it affects ALL of us. That does the trick.......for now anyway. It doesn't keep me from feeling mean and then guilty when the two of us exchange words or she she says something irritating when I have other crap going on or a million things to do besides explaining to her the importance of getting a shower or washing her hands after using the bathroom.....yuck......especially when she touches my kitchen countertops on the way back to her room. I had to call mom out on it this morning. She didn't wash her hands and she said she did (never heard the water running and her hands were dry when I checked). Part of me is glad she doesn't help herself to food in the pantry or refrigerator anymore........double yuck! It's definitely tough love!

whodathunk, how about calling your mom out on it? If she calls the "golden child" saying she wants to go a nursing home, take her to one........this would not be a punishment to you by any means.....if anything......respite! ;)

I agree about the moving part. My.mom.barely.walks.at.all. She is wheelchair bound soon if she continues sitting around ALL DAY LONG watching TV....the choices mom has made over the years are coming back to haunt her, sad to say.....sigh.....but I am hopeful assisted living will help........

Jessie - on bad days I can sympathize with your mum's inactivity. She has a number of ailments/illnesses. She has Alz which is progressing. No one goes on forever - with the possible exception of my mother ;). She is at an advanced age...

It can't be easy watching her decline and have no interest in doing things for herself, but that is not uncommon. It must get frustrating for you ((((((Hugs))))))))

Hi, JessieBell! You are far from alone. Please do not feel any guilt. The fact that you are there is the most important thing. My mother used to drive me crazy and it was either a case of losing it or finding some coping device. I have been know to drive out in my car and swear till the air was blue about things. I then felt better, no one heard me and I had given vent to my frustrations. My mother sits in this chair with a blanket over it with is nothing short of a 'pit'. It is filled with old paper hankies, crumbs etc. We call it her 'nest' and tell her that to be comfy in her nest we must tidy it each day. We have encouraged her to put the hankies in the bin, shake the crumbs out of the blanket and vacuum around her. On a good day she will do it herself and on a bad day we move her to another chair till her 'nest' is clean. it is the only way we can get her to be comfortable. I feel, as an ex teacher, as if I am dealing with Kindergarten sometimes but it seems to work. The other mantra I keep repeating to myself is that my New Year's Resolution is to bring good karma to her days. It has worked so far this year but I do feel for you. I had a long chat with her doctor yesterday and he was very supportive explaining to me what causes some elderly people to behave like this. You can only do your best at the end of the day.

I was having the same week, as you. Dad wouldn't bath, snapping at me every minute of the day , obsessing over the downed tree branches, whining. We got into 2 big fights. Yesterday my lover came over complaining about his daughter snapping at him, being unappreciative of all he did for her. This 21 year old graduated college debt free, pays no rent, uses the brand new car while he drives the old one, he pays for her food, her health care, all the bills. A light bulb went off in my head. Damn that sounds like me. When he left, I kissed Dad's check and told him how appreciative I am of all he does for me, and I am grateful for everything he does. it made him very happy, and we are getting along great. Maybe it would work for you and your Mom.

Thank you, everyone. I thought I was pretty alone in feeling like a mean person, but I see I'm in the best company. It may have to do with role reversal. We get so used to treating our parents with respect and listening to them when we're young that it can feel mean to try to guide them when they're old. And a lot of time when we are trying to be helpful they see it as controlling.

One thing I have to be cautious with my mother is not to give her any verbal ammunition. Even as a kid I learned to never tell my mother anything. She would use it against me at every moment and even tell the neighbors about it -- a game of "ain't it awful." That was a terrible feeling like betrayal. Funny thing is that she is still mad at my brother and me for things we did when we were teenagers. I thought about the effect of saying thank you for all she does for me, but realized it wouldn't be honest. And then she would later use my own words against me. I know her that well.

Last night she was talking about all she does for me, taking care of me. She has forgotten that she asked me for several years to come home to take care of them. In her mind I came home because I had nowhere else to go. She worries about what will become of me when she dies, and spoke about changing her will to have me as sole beneficiary. She has done this a few times, but I don't want to do it. I don't want her last words to my brothers to be mean ones and I have retirement savings. Besides, the savings she has came from my father, who would want to leave my brothers something. Then she went in to how I should have never quit working and that the sales job I do on the computer is not really work. I just listened. These words used to push my buttons because they felt so belittling. Now I just hear them as so much yada yada. With all that I do, there's not a grateful bone in her body. It is her doing for me in her own mind. I guess she needs it to be that way.

A few days ago I talked about how dealing with a narcissistic parent can be like dog paddling in water, trying to keep our head above water. I guess you can say this dog has beached and is just laying there exhausted. Isn't it sad when people don't realize what great kids they have?

Well, let me quit rambling. There's rabbit rooms to be cleaned, a bank to visit, and shopping to be done. Then maybe I'll even find time to do some work. :)

BTW, she had a great solution to my future. What I need is a sugar daddy. LOL! These are shocking words coming from a fine Christian woman.

a sugar daddy - just shows she is not herself!

It really must grate on the nerves that your mum thinks she is doing you a favour. Some favour! I think realising that it is not the view of a healthy person is necessary to survive. My mother comes out with things that are a** backwards. I have to remind myself of the source. It is sad when people do not realize what others do for them, but, alas, that is the nature of narcissism. Remember to do some good things for you!

Tonight was dreadful. I spent a good bit of time getting her a new bed that is going to be delivered. She decided she didn't want it. She did this once before, but this time it was too late to cancel. I told her I would take the bed and pay her for it. She said no to that, that she was going to refuse to let them bring it into the house. We'll see how it goes. I am thinking that it will be nice to have a new bed to sleep on if she doesn't want it, so I don't mind paying for it. But I don't like being jerked around. She was going crazy tonight with her words, so I had to leave her alone to deal with her anger and confusion. I had anger of my own to deal with.

((((((Hugs)))))) Jessie, Sorry about this. I remember you mentioning that kind of thing before. I am sure it is very hard on you, Prayers for it to work out. Would be nice for you to have a new bed. Being jerked around is the pits. Can you plan something for you tomorrow - out of the house?

Arrgh! My mom had me order a Sleep Number bed for her that was no insignificant cost (on her dime). She says it's just 'okay'.

Before my dad was ill, but she wouldn't leave the house, my husband and I did hours of research on those beds for her. It's literally been a five year project.

Now it's 'okay'. Awww mom! Really??? Stuff like that can really put one around the bend. Luckily, my mom's not one to return things, never has been. Plus they hauled her 30 plus year bed away. No going back. :)

I was out of the house most of the day today. It was great to be around people who liked me. :D

windytown, those Sleep Number beds are expensive. You would have thought she would feel like a queen. There's just no making some people happy. When my efforts are not appreciated, I just tell myself I'm never going to do anything like that again. And then I do it again. (slap head) We must be in training for something.

What that something is Jessie, I don't know!? The Gullible Martyr Olympics? No, GMO is already taken by the Genetically Modified whatever, food folks.

I think we're in training for WIT. Whatever it takes. And then there's the 'to keep them happy olympics'. WITTKTHO Kind of a clumsy acronym.

"Wittktho!" Could be my new swear word. Ha!

My dad was a cool guy, always hated swearing. He was a total car guy and taught auto body and fender. Chevy was the S word and Ford was the F word. He felt swearing wasn't good for the soul and you could always find a better word. Not a big church guy, just one that appreciated the intelligence of finding a more fitting word. He came up from nothing and was a kind soul that treated everyone with respect. He was the guy that stopped when a car was broke down and either repaired it himself, or got them to someone who could. Geez, I miss him. It still hurts three years later.

My dad was always the one who fixed everything. When he got the brain cancer diagnosis, he kind of fell apart. He knew I would be the one stuck with mom and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. Dad was always the go-between and I know it sorrowed him greatly to have to leave me with the burden. I don't feel sorry saying that, because he knew just how high maintenance she is. The hard part was he lost his speech a month before he died. He just held my hand really hard and looked at me with tears in his blue eyes. Mom visited him once in hospice, because she was 'afraid' to leave the house. His eyes pleaded with me. I will never forget that, making up excuses why she wouldn't visit.

Don't know why I'm venting so much tonight. I do know it takes a long time to heal, especially when you're present with the one that reminds you of the sorrow. Mom also has her own sorrow, which she refuses to talk about or acknowledge. We just don't talk about it. Sometimes I think she feels he let her down if I look at it from a narcissist perspective. She always told him she would go first. That creeps me out. Kind of fits though.

Being reflective lately...and it is coming out. Thanks for 'listening' Jessie and CG's. I love this place.

windytown, a lot of times the Wham song "Everything She Wants" goes through my mind. It seems so fitting.

Your father sounds like a wonderful dad. He sounds like the John Walton type of father. Those type men are so wonderful. Sometimes I wonder how wonderful people pair off with spouses that are not so wonderful. Maybe it's Nature's way of balancing bad with good. You were lucky to have such a good father. I liked him, just reading what you wrote.

I wish I knew the answer to this question. I take care of my mother-in-law 24/7. I have been doing this for over 4 years. She has moderate to severe alziemers and is wheelchair or bedridden. I have to pull her depends up and down. Bathe her. Everything even wipe her butt after bowel movements because she grunts and whines about it. She hates doing anything for herself. She has two daughters and my husband...her son. I dont know how I got elected. If i complain for the fact I have only been away from her for two weeks out of over these 4 plus years it makes me the nagging bad person. I am 49. I also have a 16 year old daughter at home. There are things I want to with her but everything is around nana...I have 2 other daughters 24 and 27. and a beautiful 17 month old grand-daughter. I want to enjoy my life with my family. I will be fifty in Sept.! When my mother-in-law was my age she was going on cruises..enjoying her life. Her husband passed. away in 2012 from violent dementia. So we had to move in with her and take care of her. She complains constantly. I cant even have shower or bathtime without her wanting something. I take excellent care of her but i hate it. I dont want to do it any more. I know that probably sounds horrible but i am tired of waking up and knowing that my day every day is going to be spendt on her. I am starting to feel resentful. If i ask for help its like i am imposing on someone. but i even told my husband i dont remember her name on my birth certificate. why is this my responsibility. I have literally beg one of the daughters to take time out for the little time i did get away...she has been on more cruises and vacations declaring she is spending time with her grandson!... wow..how nice i would love to spend time with my children too. the other daughter simply doesnt even call or anything....except maybe send a christmas present through her sister...so what if i just refuse?.. i seriously am considering just saying hell no! here is your mother deal with her complaining....her hissing ..panting noises she makes before she even moves... she says i cant do this...i cant do that before she even tries...i am quite frankly sick to death...my health has gone down..i stay depressed...i am beginning to hate my life...but that isnt right...because i have to pretend to be happy in front of my kids...at the end of my rope!

Cdjtired, all I know is that I'd be heading for divorce court. No man will ever put that load on my shoulders. I'd see him in hell first. And the reason this happens to women is because they allow it to happen. There is a word called 'NO.' And also, 'I'll be damned' and 'HELL NO' and 'It's YOUR mother' and 'You're not putting this on me' and 'I'm not your servant'...and ALIMONY.

Oh, and if a man threatens to divorce YOU because you won't take on this role, and that's anyone in general... Good Riddance.

Cdjtired: You've done your share of care for MIL!

Time to grow a backbone and take control of "your" life!! Stop letting these people walk all over you..

Make a plan.. Either put MIL in a NH or get scheduled care for her, present info to husband and SIL and keep walking..

The family dynamics make everything more complicated. It is easy to say that I am going to tell people I'm finished, but it is harder to do it. I am wondering why your husband feels that taking care of his mother is your responsibility. He is the one who needs to correct this situation. I have the feeling that he is the only one getting a paycheck, since you tend his mother all day. That makes you so vulnerable. It is one of the bad things about taking the "woman role" in life. It's a lot of work with no pay involved.

It sounds like you and your husband need to have an unemotional talk about what to do with his mother. You've sacrificed a lot of time. It sounds to me like she needs to be in a facility where people are paid to do the things you do. Is there a reason that she is with you, instead of in a facility? Would your husband take over the care if you were unable to? I would definitely have that talk with him and make a plan.