Mom has no hobbies and yells at my kids every second. How can I keep her busy? - AgingCare.com

Mom has no hobbies and yells at my kids every second. How can I keep her busy?

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Adult Day Program-all day-then home after the kids -then the sundowning/fighting/yelling @ the kids starts while I am starting to make dinner, getting my mother to sit down/into the bathroom etc. Nonstop chaos also on the weekend.

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I realize you mother has Alz., but your 7 year old and 4 year old are being exposed to the emotional abuse of all that yelling. I hope this experience does not make them not like or trust old people.

It's also not healthy for you and your husband to constantly experience such emotional abuse. If everyone starts becoming distant from 'grandma' for the sake of emotional survival, then how is that not going to impact the relationships of your immediate family? Has this impacted your daughter's grades in school? It is possible that your home has become so 'grandma focused', that others are starting to feel disconnected from each other, but hopefully that has not happened yet. I would imagine your husband feels helpless to protect you, his wife, and ya'lls kids from your mother's constant yelling and chaos. Believe me, from my perspective as a husband, this is not a good situation for any marriage or children. She's not going to change and it's not going to get any better, sad to say. In my own life, for the sake of my own well being and our two children, I had finally had enough and my wife refused to deal with her abusive mother until I set some boundaries with some practical consequences like the boys and I going away for several days when my wife broke a boundary concerning her mother that we had talked about and agreed to. Finally, a couple of more times of practical consequences and the straw finally broke when she saw her mom verbally abuse our boys just like her mother had treated her. Now, we all have our life back as a family and I have my wife back. Now, some husbands are not as bold as I have become over the last 8 years, but they sometime find excuses to not be at home as much like working later hours, going to the golf club or YMCA, etc. or just speaking with their feet.
The social worker has given you their objective professional opinion and suggestion. So, what are you afraid of or feel obligated about that keeps a nursing home with an Alz. unit from being worked on right now?
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My advice work now with the placement because when she gets more confused the transition will be more difficult for her and the caregiver to deal with it and she has the chance to be kicked out from the facility. The transition takes time and patience but, sometimes especially in these peoples case is very challenging. Look for Residential Care, home like environment, with very close supervision with 1 caregiver per 3-4 Residents. It will help her feel home, new home and not hospital setting.
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My kids are 7 & 4. My mom worked in a nursing home!!! Activities Director. Loved doing crafts but can not focus now to do them. She wants to help me around the house, but you know how that goes-ya never know when the tissues come out of the pocket to wipe a table etc. Always collecting toilet paper/tissues. Ya never know whats clean. I always have her washing her hands. Mom asks to help w/laundry- not folded as the basket is left in front of her to do. She wants to help but has no idea how. People tell me to have her fold towels-wants to but then the task @ hand never gets started or finished. How many more magazines can she sit & read? Watch TV?? Again-not focused. I want to have her more active w/us!! Not sure what stage but def needs 24 hr supervision. Needs total assist w/everything. Direction always-STM is gone. even some LTMemory. Ask her to wash her face & she brushes her hair. A & 0 x 0-place/time. Commode is by the bed. Not using now as the bed is wet every morning or the floor. Does know me & my kids. Forgets my husband on occasion. Thinks she knows someone in every other car that goes by us. My husband & brother will do whatever I want to do. The SW states-put her in a NHome, I am just not ready. She is just 69 & has had this dz for the last 8yrs. Has lived w/me for 3-prior was senior housing-not so good! My 7 yr old daughter is a little distant w/my mother-d/t being yelled @/a bit confused about Nana- nice & then always yelling @ her to be quiet when playing w/ 4 yr old brother. My plan is a nursing home-just not now! Just need to get a plan for respite so I/spouse/kids can get a break! Completely exhausted!!!!! Thanks for your hugs & well wishes-sure need them like everyone here on the website.
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What stage does her doctor say her Alz. is? What back up plan do you have when all of this, if it is not already, gets over your head?

I was glad to read more details about you which helped me see the larger picture. Your children are too young to help and at that age on up through the teen years are quite demanding and stressful enough. Mix in that your marriage, probably house payments, and I assume you work outside of the home plus the number of years you have before your own retirement makes all of this tougher.

What is your husband's input on all of this? Ya'll really need to discuss this factually and in depth if ya'll have not. Both of you need to be on the same page? What is he feeling about all of this? What is he feeling this is doing to ya'lls marriage? What is your perception of your children's reaction to grandma's dynamics. I had a great aunt who went off the deep in while my mom and I lived with her parents and the great aunt lived in the same house. She found me scary and I found her horrific.

Does your mother have any means like a long term care policy, etc.? I hope that you already have durable and medical POA for your mom. Unless a doctor has determined she is incompetent, I'd try to get it soon. If she is incompetent, you just might have to go for guardianship so that you can really do what is best for her safety and care, plus the safety and care of your whole family.

Keep coming back to vent, let us know how you are doing? I wish you well in dealing with this in a manner in which no one is thrown under the bus.
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What did your mom like to do when she lived independently? Did she work or take care of her home? How old are your children? I hope you can share more info so we can think of some suggestions. I know you must be frustrated and exhausted. You have my sympathy ,and I hope some of the answers you receive from the community can help. Best Wishes , RLP
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