Just wonder if anyone deals with pre-death anxiety of a loved one?

I think nothing prepares anyone for the death of a loved one. I think that if a person has pre-death anxiety or grief it is harder to deal with situation. For those people who may be the only caregiver and alone it is very difficult. May God Bless You.

While my mother is not close to death she has suffered 3 minor strokes about 5 years, thankfully with barely any affect/effect on her.  However, I worry all the time (pre-death anxiety) and mentally prepare myself for her eventual death which is very difficult.

She has suffered tremendous pain for 2.5 years due to nerve issues (back and leg) making walking extremely difficult and sometimes she could not walk.  I thought I was gonna lose it myself watching her in pain.  I worried she would die. I probably need some therapy for this. But, I understand pre-death anxiety.

Please contact your local Hospice . They can help you and your mother deal with her situation. Hospice will help you too after the death of your mother. Look into hospice support groups. Call your local Visiting Nurse Agency, most provide hospice services.

Such beautiful advice Phyton449!

To Jazzy,

Yes! that is right! I often wonder if I will go before my mom and husband.

But for the present, keep on loving and doing God's will!

Actually it was a blessing in disguise that I had to leave my Maryland home and move to Massachusetts to live with my mom who was living alone. I was dreading the middle of the night call, but I was there when she died, somehow lifting the anxiety. 

Salisbury, you are so right. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that I could just as easily go before he does.

I was touched by your email. I get brief "attacks" of sudden fear that I have missed saying good-bye to my mother. To have a mother that I have truly come to cherish and accept as a separate human being feels like a curse as well as a blessing at times. The best I have been able to do is really embrace loving and appreciating her in any given moment. Saying out loud (for the both of us) what I love about her and telling her a story that demonstrates the quality to which I am referring. My head knows that after she passes, I can continue to cultivate those parts of my mothers soul in mine and in that effort--her spirit will never die. Pick three qualities you love about the person and make a commitment to pass them on to others and her spirit will never die. That is what I was told several years ago when someone I loved died. That offers me peace sometimes. Other times, it seems like a bunch of BS, and I just don't know exactly how to live in this world without my mother. So the answer to your question is "Yes, I deal with pre-death anxiety." I don't usually go on forums, but your words caught my eye. The only way I know how to prepare for grief is to really love and appreciate in the present. It seems counter intuitive, however, people I respect offered that to me.

No matter how much you worry, no matter how much you cry, or how much sleep you have lost, you can never be prepared for a loved ones death. I tried so hard in my head to work it out and be prepared for the death of my parents whom I was caring for about three years.
both parents had dementia, incontinence, bedridden, and other major health issues. they were declining quickly and I knew it. hospice came in and helped out. at that time I thought I was prepared to handle it. dad went in my arms and mom went three weeks later with me by her side. I fell apart. I lost it. I never expected to have them both go so close to each other to begin with. The lose is so painful even though I thought I had worked it out in my mind. when you are caring for people you love you can never be prepared for their death... its been about five weeks or so since their death and I still cant except the fact that they are gone. its just to painful. The only peace that I can find is that they are together ....
I hope that you are able to handle what comes down the road for you.
good luck.

Just hug and kiss her and tell her you love her everyday. I never thought about her dying I wanted her to live the best she could until the day she died. I miss her more then I ever dreamed I would. She was 87 and 11months. I know she had the best care (me)when she needed it the most and was surrounded by family for her final days on earth. I am thankful that I was able to do this for her. I know I get signs from her all the time and she will always be in my heart. My dad and brother are with her now and that is very comforting knowing she is with loved ones in Heaven.

Thanks for the kind comments. We are on similar journeys, and I feel spiritual faith will help emotionally pull me through the tough time I dread of losing mom. I will have plenty to keep me busy with my college courses and I know I will welcome the distraction. In the meantime, I'll do all I can to bring her some joy. Plus make sure I already know the final plans so I don't have to deal with making decisions, when distrought. Please take care of yourselves, and each other. Everybody needs somebody. We do find strength in numbers. Grateful for platform this site provides for caregiver's.
Love and Light💜💝💜

Edit: we sold Dad's house a few years after he was gone, but a lot of the stuff got moved to our own house, and had to be dealt with when I sold that one four years ago.

My mom fought cancer for 6 years when I was growing up, and passed away with the third return of the disease. The last four months were the hardest; she was home for most of it; I was in my senior year in high school, and working after school; Dad was retired and able to take care of Mom until the last three weeks. I think the hardest thing in that period was the night I came home from work and she didn't recognize me, probably due to the meds. The last weeks in the hospital our church organized relays of women to sit with her so she was never alone and Dad and I didn't have to be there all the time. We got the call at breakfast one morning that she was gone, and Dad and I spent the day making arrangements (I'm glad we had something useful to do!). I lost my job due to all the time I had missed; but that made it possible for Dad and I to spend the summer with my brother and his family. I went to college that fall (mom's alma mater; my acceptance was one of the last things she recognized). It took most of the next year to deal with it, but with things to do and new friends (one of whom had lost a mom not long before) it was OK. Dad took off and spent most of the next year visiting family around the country; he kept the house with friends and neighbors keeping an eye on him until he passed about 5 years later (I realized some years later that what had kept him going was worrying about me, his youngest and last at home. When he knew I had finished college and was engaged, he knew I was taken care of).
After my husband passed away 14 years ago, I kept working and kept the house, most of the the time with a friend living with me. I finally sold it about four years ago--that was a job, cleaning it out and dealing with stuff that Dad and I had not dealt with. I was able to move in with a daughter whose kids were out of the house in college, and her sister is local as well.
About six months before my husband passed (after 10 years of recurring lymphoma), he told me that God gives us a lot a choices in life, but this was not one of them. Later, there were times I had to tell myself that there was nothing I could do to change it, and I needed to just do the best I could. I have been well taken care of by my family, my business (I am still running the business my husband started before I met him and that we did together for 40 years), friends, church, and of course God. It has been amazing the things that have worked out for me that I could not have predicted or even guessed.

BTW, let me say that my therapist encouraged me to accept that I can lose ANYONE I love at any time.

Not just elders. We can lose our children, grandchildren, closest friends at any time or day. This a very sobering fact but it has really helped me to accept that I am not in charge of the universe.

Appreciate them while they are here. Done and done.

Yes, I am dealing with pre-death anxiety but, sadly, not in the way that you mean. I am worried that my mother (92, dementia) and husband (84, dementia) will NOT die any time soon.

My mom just went from her AL to the ER and they refused to keep her for the requisite three days in the hospital but referred her back to skilled nursing. This means that Medicare will not pay; we have to pay $9,000/mo. Out of pocket.

My husband is MISERABLE in his skin and in his mind. He cannot regulate his body temperature, feels like he is freezing, wears four layers of clothes, sweats through it all--and spends all night trying to "dry" his four layers. The night before last he got up and started a fire in the wood stove that was ROARING and shut the door to the room. It was like a Navajo sweat lodge. Frightening!!!!!!!!! He thought this would dry the clothes on his body. Every night I have to redress him in the middle of the night. Last night he went down the stairs in the pitch dark--and he tells me he feels unsteady on his feet. 

So, put all these facts together and what have you got?  A fresh hell every day and very expensive.  How much longer?

Am I proud of the way I am feeling? No. I love them both but neither of them is really enjoying life. Both of them are scaring me to death.  In truth, I lost them long ago to this disease.  So, losing them to death does not feel as painful as it would have done years ago.

So, yes, pre-death anxiety. 

I think anticipation is sometimes as difficult as actually dealing with the death itself. One thing I suggest in a book I've written for family caregivers is to visualize what changes will take place. For example, is there medical equipment that will be removed? If so, think casually about how you might rearrange the furniture to fill that void. You will have more time to yourself. Ponder some things you might enjoy doing or learning. For example, traveling, reconnecting with friends, hobbies or crafts, reading, volunteering, etc. You're not going to make definite plans yet, just start thinking about it. It will relieve some of your anxiety and help you feel more in control of your future. Primarily, give yourself time to mourn -- it's a process that cannot be rushed. Each person handles it in their own way. Realize what a blessing you are to your mother and find peace in that. You don't need to make any major decisions immediately or on impulse. You'll find that your thoughts and mood will change frequently, especially the first few years. 'Wishing you the very best...

They also recommend you don't make any hasty decisions the first year after a loved one passes away. My father lived in our house all summer after Mom died and then decided in October that he needed to move.

My husband was in poor health for several years before he finally passed away. We were extremely close, and I felt that I couldn't bear to lose him! I was so anxious and worried. I decided to tackle my fear by rehearsing his death so that it wouldn't come as a "surprise." I would imagine waking up and then failing to awaken my husband and finally realizing that he had passed away. This is a strategy I use in other cases to inoculate myself against loss by rehearsing it and accepting it in advance. For example, when I play tennis I imagine that I will lose and imagine the loss and imagine myself accepting it. That way I free myself to play with "nothing to lose." I used to imagine my husband's death over and over. Each time I would experience a shock of anguish and panic at the loss of my main emotional support. Eventually, I would feel a lessening of this anguish as I believed in the reality of his demise. Eventually he passed away just as I had imagined. And I was able to function. He died in his sleep attended by the hospice aide who watched over him while he slept and helped him drink or go to the bathroom as necessary. At that time we had moved his bed into the living room because he was bedridden and we wanted him to share in daily activities. So when I got up to greet him I found the aide struggling to change his diaper. After I helped her, I began to realize that perhaps he had died. His body was cold and stiff, and he didn't have a pulse. I now moved into the scenario that I had imagined, and did not collapse with anguish. "This is to be expected," I could tell myself. I was able to reassure the aide that we had done everything possible to help him and thank her for her services. I could function and call the hospice team and the funeral home to collect the body. I think I did suffer more in advance by continually brooding about my husband's impending death. But I suffered less after he died because I had emotionally prepared myself. Then I went through a period where I had to continually interrupt my thoughts of grief and loss. I couldn't help missing him--but I could avoid joining an inner conversation about how awful it was to be without him. Eventually after a few months I could tolerate thinking more about the meaning of my loss. The hospice program was awesome because they provided grief counseling. I brought along my two friends who had helped care for him. We reminisced about what it was like to know him. We became a support group for each other. It helped all of us as one friend lost her mother, and another lost two of his friends to cancer. I also started a journal where I wrote my memories of living with Dick and what he was like. I mailed some of these memories to the rest of his friends and memories who enjoyed them.

I am sorry for you and for your mother. I was also very close with my mother. I wish I could tell you that you can prepare for the inevitable grief when she goes. I think it is a myth to say that it is actually possible to be prepared. I work in older adult ministries and (in particular) with home-centered folks and their families. I have seen time and again that there is nothing that can prepare us for the loss of someone we love and are close to. I have experienced that grief in my own life. I hope that you have faith that God will be with you. Just know that grief will have it's way with you, and that the best thing you can do for yourself is to have close friends and family on which you can lean. It is best to not try to suppress the times when you are overwhelmed with your grief and to simply allow yourself to move through it. People will tell you that it will get easier with time, but the truth is that it never gets easier. The good news is that you will learn to take the memories and make them part of your life story and of who you are. That's how you remain close with your mother, even when you can no longer see her or talk with her. Another thing that I strongly recommend is that (when the time comes) you find a grief support group to attend. We tend to think that we can handle anything on our own. The loss of a close loved one is unimaginably difficult. Don't go it alone. One other thought...I advise the families I deal with to try not to make major life changes while they are in the stages of grief. It may be painful for you to be in the home you have shared with your mother. But it may also help you move through the early stages of grief, and also provide you with comfort. I will have you in my prayers.

A couple of thoughts: Life is more fragile than we realize so we may think we have more time than we do. Live for today. You may not recognize the signs. After my mother died, I found a pamphlet from Hospice that pointed out things I could have done for her if I recognized the signs. You can find that information online and in these care sites. If you are the primary caregiver, there will be a void as you wonder what to do with yourself. It will be a "new normal" for you, as you start to rebuild your support network. My mother picked out her grave so we could "visit" and she arranged the details for her service. Then we went about living our lives as normally as possible. I don't regret a day that I gave to her. Christ said, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

I am sorry for you and for your mother. I was also very close with my mother. I wish I could tell you that you can prepare for the inevitable grief when she goes. I think it is a myth to say that it is actually possible to be prepared. I work in older adult ministries and (in particular) with home-centered folks and their families. I have seen time and again that there is nothing that can prepare us for the loss of someone we love and are close to. I have experienced that grief in my own life. I hope that you have faith that God will be with you. Just know that grief will have it's way with you, and that the best thing you can do for yourself is to have close friends and family on which you can lean. It is best to not try to suppress the times when you are overwhelmed with your grief and to simply allow yourself to move through it. People will tell you that it will get easier with time, but the truth is that it never gets easier. The good news is that you will learn to take the memories and make them part of your life story and of who you are. That's how you remain close with your mother, even when you can no longer see her or talk with her. Another thing that I strongly recommend is that (when the time comes) you find a grief support group to attend. We tend to think that we can handle anything on our own. The loss of a close loved one is unimaginably difficult. Don't go it alone. One other thought...I advise the families I deal with to try not to make major life changes while they are in the stages of grief. It may be painful for you to be in the home you have shared with your mother. But it may also help you move through the early stages of grief, and also provide you with comfort. I will have you in my prayers.

I dealt with it before and am still dealing with it after :'(

We know when they do not have long and we try as best we can to prepare for it, even justifying it with 'we do not want them to suffer', but one is never prepared. The loss, memories and a close parent is very hard to lose. One has to allow oneself to go through the grieving period for as long as it takes, or it will show up in another form in us, usually negatively. It is what it is, just life's progressions and we deal with it as best we know how. Let the grief run it's course, it get a bit easier with time. I send you best wishes.

I read on this forum once that “there is no pain greater than to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” Those words spoke to my heart. Prayers for you and your Mom.

I think everyone must experience some kind of "pre-grief"--after all, we are all mortal and we will all die, someday.

For me, knowing that this life is but a brief (but important!) period of time in our eternal existence, knowing that my loved ones who have passed are still existing, on another plane..this all brings me a great deal of comfort. My daddy passed 13 years ago, and I often feel his presence when I am down or sad. Also my grandmother, who has been gone over 25 years.

Mother isn't doing well. She has a cold right now, but a cold for her almost always turns into pneumonia, and driving home from her place the other day, I had the overwhelming feeling that we aren't going to have her around a lot longer. She is simply wearing out. I'm grateful she has pre-planed everything, so when she goes, it should be easy on us kids. I really appreciate that!

I guess, because of my faith, I don't stress out about these things. I'm trying to just embrace the time I have with mother, still sad because we have not had a great relationship and she's got too much dementia to really have any kind of in depth conversation.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. A lot of us are in the same boat....mixed feelings, wanting our LO to have a quality of life, but knowing they are tired and really probably want to "move on".

It is soooo hard watching a loved one slowly die. If I have any advice, it's that no one knows when the end will come. My husband has been under the care of hospice for a year and a half now. Every time he has a down turn, I grieve all over again. I wish I had spent the last year and a half enjoying our time together rather than grieving.

My mother died two years ago at 98, three weeks after suffering a stroke. She was in Nursing Care, but I was with her every day. What helped me the most at the time of her death was the feeling that I had done everything I possibly could have for her, but beyond that, I had all her final wishes, important papers, list of what I needed to do ( get Death Certificate copies, notify banks and her insurance, etc.) so I had a plan and a purpose for the empty days immediately following her death. Her cremation expenses had been prepaid, everything was pretty much arranged. I took comfort in knowing that I could fulfill these last tasks for her just as she wished. The dying teach us that life is for living and it is precious. When a loved one passes, there is an opportunity to begin your own life anew and do many things that caring for, and worrying about them made difficult. If you think about it, this is what your loved one would want you to do: go forward with a happy and meaningful life!

I am sorry to hear of your Mother's decline. My Mother passed away two weeks ago. I tried to be prepared as she was in memory care for the last three+ years. But one week she was up and walking with assistance and the next week gone. Let me just say as others have, you will not be prepared. One thing that has really helped me was having prearranged final arrangements a while ago. Have a funeral home selected, draft an obit, burial plot, etc. Because when she passes you will be in a fog. Having these things predetermined has helped me more that I can tell you. My suggestion is to not plan on making any major life changes until after she passes and you have time to grieve. Don't add more stress to your life at this point. I hope this information helps you. I wish for you and your Mother a swift and peaceful ending. Warmest blessing to you during this process.

My mom with dementia lives with me. Her doctor found 25 white spots on her lungs and recommended we do nothing because next steps would be invasive. At night, I am obsessive about watching the monitor, which once provided relief. I am scared of the moment I find her gone. That moment may be close or far, who knows. God, give us strength to do this!

I tend to think of a demented parent (or any demented person) as just being a shell of his/her former self. The person I knew is essentially gone, and the body is just waiting to shut down like a plant still alive in a vegetable garden in late autumn. When my mother would ask "why did Dad [i.e., her husband, my father] die?", I would simply tell her everyone, especially an older person, eventually does. I've explained to others that he lived "past his 'expiration' or 'sell-by' date". It's tragic when a younger person dies, especially if unexpectedly; when an old person dies it's basically nature's plan and then life for the still-living goes on. Perhaps some people would think I'm too detached and clinical even with deaths in my own family but people are all different.