Just when you think things may change and you let your guard down… How did I not see it coming? :(

I can identify. My sis is Jeckyll and Hyde with me. Charming when she chooses to be but the caustic and nasty comes through eventually. I got sucked in many times, till I accepted that the nasty always surfaced and always would. It makes any kind of a relationship impossible. Mother was angry disordered, my sis is cold as ice. I have had everything but the kitchen sink thrown at me too - "What have you ever done for mother?" This after several years of me being POA medical and financial when sis was visiting trying to help mother get into a cheaper facility so there would be more money left over to inherit when mother passed. I vetoed it and the nasties really came out. What mother needed at that time was a good evaluation, medication, and placement in a facility that could deal with her. Not placement in a cheaper facility with only a security guard on her floor - no nurse. She was 100 yo for goodness sake.

Once I accepted that she was as she was, it was easier to deal with her.
1 Never be alone with her anywhere. She always put on a good face to others
2. Keep any contact to a minimum.
3 Work through the professionals. When I was settling the estate I had mother's lawyer do it all. I had no direct contact with my sister so I gave her no ammunition.
4. Cut contact once the estate was finished which I have done and I feel safer than ever before in my life.

((((((hugs)))))

What I learned on this forum was "personality disorders". Oh I wish I had known those words 40 yrs ago. It would have explained why I was treated a certain way by certain people and I could have dealt with it better. I am not good at confrontation, not quick witted enough. So, I just stay away from these types of people. I get mad when someone is condescending, one of my SILs. We live 12hrs apart so little contact there.

Your brother has a personality disorder. I would say Narcissistic. He is right no matter what. You are a woman and he can talk to you anyway he wants. Walking away was a good thing and if he ever lays a hand on you or Mom call the police. He has no respect for you. So, tell him nothing concerning Mom unless he specifically asks. Its seems to set him off when YOU want to talk to him about Mom. Let him command the conversation. Don't argue or comment. Just smile. If he asks, do u agree, say "I see ur point". When he is gone you go back to caring for Mom the way you always have. This is not bending down to him or even acknowledging him as being right. Its learning to control a situation.

Like said, he is showing his true colors. You had a short respite. If he continues, get that restraining order reinstated. One day Mom will pass. And when that happens, you can break all ties with this brother. I truly believe what goes around comes around. Something will happen and your brother will need something from you. If that ever happens, please say NO without any guilt. People with personality disorders do not change. They can't, they are born that way IMO. Your brother was probably like this as a small child.

I'm curious about why you did not - could not? - renew the restraining order.

There are reasons why people become who they area, and those reasons aren't always aspects others can determine about their background, character, interaction with others, and with life.   From my experience, they're accumulated over the years, often changed and sometimes worsened by life's events.

Your brother is who he is for reasons that you may never know.   The fact that he insisted all 3 of you talk is a reflection; apparently he's dominant and wants to control, including conversations and how he makes you feel.  That's been my experience; these characters  need to control the conversation, can't see their own faults, and bully others.  

Write this event up to experience, and accept that he has a lot of issues which you may never understand and which probably will never be resolved.   

BTW, did you tell him  politely to shut up when he started his tirade?  You do need to stand up to him; although it won't change him, it will allow you not to be dominated. 

I suspect he was different after the order expired, laying the groundwork for fooling you.

It might be time to think of requesting another restraining order, if not now, then as he continues his journey of creating friction.   Start documenting.

I would be concerned as well about how this affects your mother, even if she doesn't understand, I would think she could determine how hostile he is.

Arimethea, when people show us who and what they are we should believe them.

He isn't going to change without a conversion and when that happens he will make right what he has done, until then, I recommend no contact.

You don't deserve to be verbally abused, period.

I have a wanker brother that thinks yelling and bullying are adult conversation, no contact has saved me much frustration and heartache. So I can understand wanting a relationship that isn't likely without laying down and being doormat.

"The visit turned into him attacking me verbally, AGAIN, dredging up all things last 10 years, in a matter of about 5 minutes."

awful.
i agree with JoAnn, people don't change.

some abusers, see every contact as an opportunity to abuse. nothing triggered them. they just wait and choose whenever to abuse. it's not by chance. (it doesn't make any difference what you would have said/done. it has nothing to do with that.)

kind of like, "wait for it, wait for it...now's my moment! attack!"

and how does one know it's intentional, calculated? because if certain other people had been present (your brother probably cares about his reputation in front of certain people), he wouldn't have done it.

i hope you're ok, and your mother. it takes days to recover from abusive people. hug!!

Was this your brother coming to ur home to visit with Mom? You going to see Mom at her home together or to a facility? You have no profile set up and its hard to go back and see previous posts.

IMO people don't change. Why you asking to talk to him before seeing Mom would bring on this rant I have no idea. I have a SIL that I need to be careful what I say because she takes it the wrong way. Her husband was my MILs POA. MIL was in Rehab recovering from a UTI so my DH and I took turns with the other brother and wife going to be with her in another State. We knew she was not coming back to her home so we started getting it ready for an estate sale. On a call to her, I told her what we had been doing since they were handling the sale. I got that she did not need to know what we were doing and not nicely. I have had problems with this SIL before and have chose to interact with her very little. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop.

You may never have a relationship with this brother. If this is your home Mom is living in, when he visits leave. As you welcome him in, you leave saying "you and Mom have a nice visit. I am running to the store while ur here." If this can't be done without him starting a rant, then he won't be allowed in your home. He will need to take Mom somewhere for his visit.

I really have no idea why telling someone that you need to tell them something about Mom would tick them off. Does he not see his Mom has Dementia. Why do people feel offended when u try to bring them up to speed? There must be a word for this. Do they do it out of guilt or they really don't care and you annoy them.

So glad you walked away. So sorry nothing has changed.

So sorry to hear this. I guess it isn't surprising, but just when you were a tiny bit hopeful. I think his actions reflect an inner guilt, honestly. But who knows. Good to hear from you again.

Your "question" seems rhetorical.

I empathize, though.

Especially the bit about walking away from all the venom being thrown at you and then being accused of not being able to talk.

Big hugs.

Oh, forgot to say, I walked away. I refuse to run that race anymore.
I was immediately accused of NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK.
Ir wasn’t discussion, it was arguing.