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My husband fell and broke his elbow and ulna. He is in the rehabilitation center now after surgery. I always thought he would just "die" of a heart attack. I did not anticipate this situation.
He can't move at all, he is on a 2 person assist, with a hoyer lift. He wears diapers now.
I am still working, and this is just too much. I am filling out paperwork for LTC now, and it is just sad. Just us. I know I can't manage him at home. He weighs 250.

Who ever anticipates crisis situations?? My mother informed me for 50 yrs that she and dad would die together. That was the furthest thing from the truth! Dad died of a brain tumor 7 yrs before mom who wound up with advanced dementia at 95 in Memory Care constantly saying, "who ever thought I'd wind up here?" I did.

Your husband is likely suffering from hospital delirium after breaking his elbow, ulna and having general anesthesia. He may improve quite a bit after rehab once he regains his equilibrium. Give him time. He's 85 and cannot bounce back like he once did. None of us can. If he gets back to his old self again, you can always move him back home. Think of it like that.

Good luck to you.
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Mickey2942 Jun 17, 2025
Thank you. My Mom said the same thing. That the strong painkillers he is on, make him a different person, and to continue to hold out hope he will get better. Nothing is the same now.
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It is too much. LTC is really the best decision. You both are still processing everything as well. Wishing you all best.
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Mickey2942 Jun 17, 2025
Thank you. I took today off. Every day is too much for me. I went to workout today, the first time this month. I have the paperwork on my desk. It is a lot of pages. And now we are getting piles of medical bills to deal with. Medicare and VA will cover everything. But I guess I need to open them. He always managed this stuff.
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Well, I went to visit him today. I walked into his room, he was on a potty chair, and there was urine everywhere on the floor. He had not even called for the nurse. I did. I am not sure he knew about the mess. Honestly, I almost lost my lunch. It is just so sad.
I visit him every day. And it just depresses me more everyday. His sister, who lives 1800 miles away says he should come home. Thanks. I may take tomorrow off.
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Thank you. He is now using a potty chair next to his bed. With two people helping him. He was sitting on the side of the bed today. His world is so small now, what blanket he likes on his bed, his favorite CNA, and talks about his potty schedule. We used to talk about literature, books we are reading, current events, work, he wasn't even interested in any of that. It is just sad, how much he has changed in the last few weeks. Nothing is the same
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You're making the right decision and doing right by your husband. It's nothing but sad and I'm sorry for you both. You cannot care for him at home and it's best that you do know this and did not give it a trial run which would have been disasterous.
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You are so right in recognizing you cannot sustain this level of care at home. It is impossible. It is--you are right--so very sad and so very difficult, but if you hurt yourself badly then you both would be down for the count. I am so sorry.
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Life sometimes is
sad
ironic
gut wrenching
yes, even laughable

sometimes all at the same time
Sometimes something happens that forces us to do something that we have put off or neglected.
Getting POA documents is something that many put off sometimes until it is to late.
I am glad that he is in agreement with the LTC.
I am glad that you know your limits. This will help you manage what you can and understand what you can not manage for his safety and yours.
See what happens. but it is up to you as to what you can and can not do, and what you will and will not do.
There is no "right or wrong"
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I saw your reply about POA. This might have seemed bad timing on the part of the facility but they were wise to help this document be put in place. Your sadness is fully understandable, as life has turned in an unexpected, unwelcome way. You and hubby both have a lot to adjust to, but will soon enough find a new normal. You will be his cheerleader and advocate in his new setting. Hopefully the breaks for him will heal and some therapy can help with regaining some strength. I wish you both courage and peace for this new chapter
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Mickey2942 Jun 15, 2025
A month ago we were making love. Now, he can barely sit on the side of the bed. He leans on a hospital tray table to stay upright. Everything is different now. He doesn't even seem like the same person.
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This is a season in your life.
You'll be able to laugh about that huge cast after it's gone.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 13, 2025
Having been in a similar position, I’m doubting the laughing later
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Sad is a valid feeling.

If it helps, try not to focus on the equipment: diapers or lifting machine.
Poo & pee are just natural body systems & incontinence-wear, pads etc are just practical ways to manage it, A Hoyer lift is easier on your husband that being pulled & pushed by staff.

I can feel sad with you. No-one would choose to need that stuff.
Try, when ready, to look for tiny moments you can be graceful for.

I was thankful the nursing staff washed my Dad in bed. He was embarrassed at the start, but then grateful & accepting.
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Mickey, I am so sorry this happened to you, I am younger than my husband, and this is my biggest fear. I hope to keep him home until he does, but I also know from this forum that the unexpected happens, and he is 6"5 250 lbs, and if something happens where he is not mobile there is no way I will be able to do it . The unexpected sometimes happens, and it just doesn't seem fair.

Stick here, everyone will help answer any of your questions, doing what you need to do, and try to help you through this horrible adjustment.

🫂🙏💕
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Thank you. I just feel sad. He had a huge cast from shoulder to wrist. So, he can't move, it is propped up on pillows in his hospital bed. He is in a lot of pain. He doesn't have any cognitive problems, but the LTC want the "POA" paperwork. Apparently, they don't accept people who don't have POA? Just annoying. I visit him every day, and he is in agreement with finding LTC. We finally had the discussion. I kept hoping rehabilitation would make him better to come home. He did get the cast off today, but still has zero muscle tone or balance. He is in diapers now, as he can't get up to go to the bathroom.
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Dear Mickey

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your husband.

Not to be able to move at all sounds like more than a broken elbow and ulnar. I know this is a huge shock. I hope he is not in pain.

How old is your DH? Even a very small person would be difficult to manage as he is now. Please be careful and take care of yourself and let us know how you both are doing.
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Mickey2942 Jun 17, 2025
He is 85 years old. I think that the general anesthesia from the surgery was difficult. He has several other health issues. Maybe he had a stroke during fall? Or surgery? That wouldn't surprise me.
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