Just put mom in nursing home. What can I tell her that will help?

Tell her she is SAFE. That you care & so found this safe place to stay while Dad is in the hospital.

Blessings to you for your decision to adopt your son.

Based on your profile mom has stage 3 Alzheimer’s so her disorientation is “normal” and should be expected. I’m not sure the full truth is something that she can grasp and may just cause more anxiety, is she aware and remember that her husband is in the hospital and why? Much of the best way to help her adapt has to do with her abilities and awareness. Your plate is very full rite now but one of the things you could do is set up her room as much like her house as possible so if they let you take furniture in and there is a special chair, table, night stand, great. Photos she has always kept around, books, surround her with those few things that she reaches for regularly and will make her feel more like she has “home” around her but ultimately I would suggest you consult with the professionals there at the facility, they have experience with new residents and adjustment periods. They may tell you to not visit for a week or two and difficult as that will be take advantage of the time to focus solely on your dad, you should be able to get daily updates from the facility on how mom is doing (I don’t think I would do it otherwise) but in some cases it’s easier for new residents to adjust to their new surroundings and routine being fully immersed. I can see why that is better for some as we switch with my mom. My brother and I are her primary caregivers and when she has been solely with one of us for a stretch the transition to the other can be hard. Of course it can be a relief for her as well as us too when she gets tired and cranky with one and changes to sweet and cooperative when the other takes over, lol, she is doing this with the PCA who is coming in 3 days a week now too and as much as she fights routine (has all her life) I think that’s really the key and what she needs the most.

Good luck, you are dealing with an amazing amount of stress, emotion and fires to put out and you are doing all the right things. Keep the faith and strength that you are taking the very best care of both parents possible under the circumstances and remember to take moments for yourself too.

Hi,

My mom just ended up in nursing home, too. She fell in January and went to hospital, rehab, back to hospital, back to rehab and finally it was clear that she could not be discharged home because she requires assistance with all activities of daily living (ADLs.) In her mind, she's still under treatment - as she was in the hospital, and we've not had an actual discussion to say, "this is where you live now." We've discussed it as that we are taking it a day at a time and, as of today, she's not able to go home because we don't have the home care available. This seems to work for now, and on some level I can tell she knows but she does re-ask the question every few days. It's hard.

I am not a believer in the therapeutic lie. Tell Mom the truth, that Dad is ill right now and that she can't be alone. That you will be to see her often.
She will adjust or she will not but in these situations there is not always a good answer, not always a way for "fix it". Sometimes the sad truth is simply the sad truth. This is not your "fault". You are grieving the situation as well. This is worth grieving.
Move away from trying to find an "answer" where there almost never IS one.

Nothing you tell her will help. Leave her here she is and stop feeing guilty. There are things that must be done and need no explanation.

Tell her that the doctor says she can’t leave, just as her husband can’t leave the hospital.