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She has advanced dementia and is VERY needy. She has lot of anxiety, some hallucinations, and is very confused. She cries a lot of the day. “I miss my mother but she’s passed away.” “There’s people that are going to hurt me. Let’s go.” "I’m having some real problems.” These are all things she says. I know they’re pretty typical. So far she’s been clingy with staff and other residents.


I wanted to see what other people thought of being advised to not visit for two months. The head nurse said it might be sooner but that they would continue to update me and let me know when they thought it would be good time to start regular visits. They obviously said I could do whatever I want, but this is what they recommend. I understand there’s a need for Mom to adjust, but it seems really long. Thoughts?

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I decorated my father's MC room with his furniture (bed, chest, small table, arm chair and rocking chairs) and photo collages of family and his home and large posters of his collectibles; I also made a photo album with prints of digitized photos. Dad had vascular dementia and his memory remained pretty good. He clearly enjoyed using the photos as he told visitors and staff about things he had done in his life. He loved new pics of his great-grandchildren so much I got a digital photo frame that I could send photos to over the internet.
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Please keep us posted as the weeks go by, I'm hoping the nurse was wrong (& it will work out fine for your mom when u visit). 😅.
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Best wishes that is a hard thing to do. That's seems a little long to wait, imo, but you know you situation better that anyone else.
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I wouldn't be able to wait.
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Do not wait that long, it makes me wonder what they might be hiding. Admittedly my situation is different we moved my mom from Assisted Living to Memory Care in the same facility, and there was absolutely no wait time for me to visit. Please do not wait, not two months
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I pretty much agree with all the comments. I have heard about not visiting for a week or 2. But 2 months!! Never. No way. At a minimum I would go there and observe her from afar...even if you didn't let her know you were there. I would certainly want staff to know you will be an active, visible presence.

Personally, until your loved one is at the very final stage of dementia, I believe they know if you are around. I just got back from 2 almost back-to-back 5-day trips over a span of about 3 weeks. I told my mom (moderate dementia) the therapeutic lies and never let on that I was away. She apparently never mentioned me to her helpers, but I still think on some level she knew I was not around and possibly also knew I was spinning tall tales. Her behavior was a little off and is just now starting to "re-normalize" since I've been back.

As always, go with your gut. It will never steer you wrong.
."
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Moving Mom to a Memory Care home. tomorrow. She knows and is happy. I will let you all know....
They haven't said anything about when I can't visit.
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You know your mom better than anyone at the facility does. Go with your own instinct. Personally, I think 2 months is a bit too long. My mom has dementia and is also very needy. I am one of only two people who visit her regularly (my stepfather's cousin is her close friend and has been very faithful). She knows I come every weekend on a Saturday or Sunday and we go out for dinner and shopping for whatever she thinks she needs. As confused as she can get sometimes, she always depends on my regular visits and looks forward to them. Yes, they are sometimes inconvenient for me and I haven't had a whole weekend to myself for 3 years, but I hate to disappoint her. I'm scheduled for knee replacement in October and not sure what's going to happen when I can't drive, but luckily I will have some time to prepare her.
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My mom and I had rocky relationship for most of our lives. In the beginning I was also told to stay away, but only for a week at a time. Iť was very beneficial to our relationship, and now we've become much closer. Good luck.
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My Mother was in a nursing facility for 4 years and just passed away this past December. There is no way I would go that long without checking on her. It may be considered a “great” facility, but that doesn’t mean a thing until you spot check yourself to be sure she is being taken care of properly. I strongly advise against that nurse’ Suggestion. I even had to go to the Administrator several times within the first 4 months my Mom was there. They weren’t feeding her properly and she needed speech therapy. Then her meds were just not working properly and they took away one and added another. Be sure CNA’s are taking proper care of your Mom too. You get good ones and then you can get bad ones. Just check on her.
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As your mother has AD, I don't understand the facility's recommendation. What if you waited as long as they're recommending and then your mother doesn't recall that you're her daughter OR she asks where you have been?
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That's way too long! Wait a couple days at most. It's easier for the people who care for her because she will finally just give up. Don't listen to them.
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Uh...no.  You do need to give some time for adjustments, but that is unreasonable.
Give it about a week, then go see her.  Otherwise, she'll think she's been abandoned and that won't do.  You have a RIGHT and an obligation to see that she is being cared for properly.  Waiting that long allows for unsavory things to occur and become a habit.  I write the checks for my mom's care.  I MAKE SURE she gets her care!  And believe me, it has been "unpleasant" at times...for the facility.
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elaineSC Jun 2019
Good advice!! Mom was in a nursing facility and there was no way I would have gone over a week without checking on her. I went during one shift one time and then during changing shifts to see how she was being cared for and treated. She loved for me to bring her some soft serve ice cream in a cup from McDonalds or Chick-Filet. I fed her the ice cream myself.
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Obviously, you have to do what feels right for you........however, there is no way that I could have left my Mom alone in MC for three weeks, let alone two months!! I think she adjusted faster because she could see us every day and know that she hadn't just been "dumped" there, but that may have just been wishful thinking on my part. The facility was very good about getting to know her and finding her a roommate that was compatible, which also helped tremendously in her transition.
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elaineSC Jun 2019
Good Answer! That nurse gave what I consider bad advice.
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Dear friend, so sorry for your suffering. My opinion is based on the similar 'neediness' of my late mother, & her failure to adjust to ALF. I felt bad every day, cuz she told endless stories of unhappiness, but my indulging her 'neediness' was probably harming her. Since you have the advantage of 'memory-care' specialists, I would follow the instructions for 1 month, then check mom's progress with nurse. (I feel that the 1 month would help YOU adjust as well), cuz our guilt makes us sick & is unproductive. Hope you will try it.✌
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elaineSC Jun 2019
Not me. I saw way too much when my Mom was in a facility. Go check on the quality of care. That nurse just might be wrong.
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I would not be able to do that! However, my mom is in assisted living, not memory care. One lady moved in at the same time as my mom. Her family went on a "vacation" and didn't visit her for 3 weeks. My mom had her home care person and me there with her most of every day for 4 days at first, showing her around, reminding her where her room and the dining room are, and just calming her down and sitting with her. My mom adjusted much better and in fact, the other lady had to be transferred to memory care within 2 months. The two of them had seemed about at the same level of Alzheimer's and they would often be seen holding hands and they even tried to escape together to go for wine. After the other lady had to leave, my mom never tried to escape again. (But she also has never had a friend there). I'm not saying for sure my being there was what helped my mom, but maybe it did. One thing that would bother me a lot is if my mom were to forget me because I did not to see her almost every day. I'm the only person she always knows.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
@ArtistDaughter: Very glad that worked out so well for you. It may seem cruel not to visit, but memory care is something I'm not familiar with, so defer to the experts maybe.
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Two weeks was advice I got. We took it.
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cwillie Jun 2019
Two weeks is reasonable, heck a week or two is what a lot of caregivers take as respite (if they are able).
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I like this..why torture your mother when you won't take her home? Pictures and stuff like that I also advise not to put into their rooms...only brings memories that they were once free and healthy and who knows what else but for the most part they cause harm IMO. Let her have some peace and adjust to her surroundings. Satisfy your guilt in knowing at least she won't be upset and crying to go home after every visit you make. I know it sounds harsh but it might be for the best,,, for her best. After visits; it's the staff that's left to pick up the shattered pieces.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
@shar1953, agree & well said friend. Thank you.
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You know how, when your kids are young, sometimes their friends are better behaved on a playdate at your house when their mother isn't present? It can be like that in this situation, too. If you're there a lot, your mom will simply do her usual behaviors. Without you, she will accept the help of the staff and start to adapt to the new routines.

That said, two months seems a lot! You should do what feels right to you, but some period of letting the staff get your mom adjusted while she's still the early days of living there will be beneficial.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
@IsntEasy: very interesting point and makes lots of sense...(I agree that my mother did indeed act like a child...but I made it worse by indulging it).
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Never heard anyone be told not to visit. If her memory is as bad as you say, there's a good chance she wouldn't remember from one day to the next that you had been there. To me, this is a red flag to go and see what's going on. It's possible they are sedating her to the point she will not get out of bed and be less of a workload for them. I say go
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When my Mum was moved to MC and then to an MC in a Nursing Home I was never counselled to not visit and there was no question in my mind about my need to be there, or my brother. I spent time with Mum doing the daily routines of the Unit and talking with staff as they cared for her. I think I was trying to be a bridge and reassure her that it was all okay and these were good people. You have to do what you feel is best for your Mum.
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Go with your gut. Nobody tells me what to do even if they are an "expert." I'd be damned if I'd trust anyone to give me updates and not see for myself. In fact, in this day and age I would never trust that, and doing so would make my stress level quadruple. Heck, I wouldn't even use a pup daycare that said leave my little one for an afternoon...
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We’re putting our mom into a memory care on Tuesday. Didn’t hear if we are not supposed to visit. I’m wondering how to tell her she is not going home. Just thinking we will say Dr said you can’t go home yet...
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gdaughter Jun 2019
Yet is the key word...if it's temporary it's more palatable. When my mom was visiting my sister out of state and we had been blinded by what was happening (i.e. that was when we realized she had dementia), she was very unhappy to find out she wasn't going home for 10 days. So my sister discovered just saying when asked she was going the day after tomorrow worked.
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Excellent comments, etc., on this forum.
My mother has dementia alzheimers. I think she's at stage 5 now. We've had to move her four times due to her progression and each time we've needed to allow her time to transition.
With advanced dementia this is not usual for them to recommend to you visitation be delayed. It's ok. The purpose is to help mother transition and acclimate to her new home. Your presence can be a trigger which pulls on her and affects transition.
It's harder on us than our loved one. It's difficult for your mother on the immediate, but this eventually deminishes as she transitions. They will see to her needs. You can call & ask how she is doing, yet you will need to transition too.
Every person with dementia is different but do have & experience common things they focus on like; going home, finances, they have to go & take care of the kids, fear is especially a big one. Just normal life things they have done for so many many years and they need to feel safe. Security is key for them. At a memory care AL they can focus on these things and work with mother, building relationship, intense loving attention, etc.
Give mother time to transition. Quality of life is focus here. It may make take a while, but she will be fine. So will you.
Blessings
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You have to balance you needs & hers - the reason for the wait is so that she will integrate with their routine & start going to activities that are designed to help them - if you are too much there then she won't try join in - tell her to go to those activities as you won't be there until after & you want to hear what she has been doing

Even bingo has benefit ... it gives number & letter recognition as well as special - so encourage her to join in everything - my mom's room was across the hall from the recreation dept. & they got her into doing 9 activities a week excluding religious so she was doing something every day
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I would think, like someone else said, she is your mother and you should be able to see her whenever you want. She may think you abandoned her, this is not good.
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I just put my mom in memory care at a veteran's home, and I have been there every day since. I think this is a very strange call? Seriously 2 months? I really question that. It is YOUR mom, and you can and should see her as much as YOU want. I wonder what they are hiding? I would go. If they insist, I would consider looking for a different home. Good luck.
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My experience with my brother was - When I had to place him in a Nursing Home he was terrified. I stayed with him for about a week, going home around 10pm. During that week I slowly lessened my time there, or left for a few hours here and there. It also gave me a chance to help him meet other residence (he has gotten very shy). I am not sure if the NH wanted me there, but I could not leave him crying with fear. It all worked out great. He is now active and participating with activities and eating in the dining room. I do try and go every other day to make sure he is being taken care of properly. I have had many issues with this. I have tried to move him into another facility, but I realize it isn't going to happen any time soon. When I visited other NH's and fill out the applications, they always seem positive they can help him. After they have contacted the NH he is in, I never hear again. I call 4 places weekly for about 6 months. Now I am trying to make the best of where he is and be informed of everything medically and psychologically being done to him and for what reason. They don't likeit because I want blood reports, culture results, kidney numbers, hygiene, etc. Finally they are also accepting me and my advocating for my brother and have the information ready. It has been a long journey.
I can not stress enough about following up daily with her care. You don't have to let her see you going there if that is their rule, but I would make sure of how her care is being administrated and that you are very visiable.
I am not trying to bash Nursing Homes, but it is what it is. Our loved ones need care and we want it done. I found out that my brother wasn't getting showered or shaved because they came in the afternoon to do it. He is no good after 2... so he refused for WEEKS. Even being in advanced stage of dementia they let him make that decision not to shave, shower or brush his teeth. The solution was simple - I asked them to do his hygiene in the early morning. It worked, but had I not advocated he would probably have fleas!!!
If you have questions about this maybe seek advice from a senior therapist or her neurologist. Good luck. You have tons of support.
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My my mom is going through the same thing and I'm thinking about this option also. But there is no way absolutely no way that I would stsy awau for 2 months I'd be visiting her still everyday. I don't care what they would say God forbid something happens and you haven't seen her in 2 months are break your heart.
If they if they don't like that I would find another place it's your only mom
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gdaughter Jun 2019
EXACTLY!
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I'd say two months is too long. If it were me, I'd want to visit every week to see how she's doing, but she may ask to go "home" and you'll have to be prepared to respond. I've heard residents in my mother's memory care unit who have been there for more than a year also ask to go "home" from time to time. This comes from anxiety and a wish to go back to the way their life used to be. Are they recommending any medications?
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