Just moved Mom into a memory care facility. They are telling me to wait 3 weeks to 2 months to visit! Thoughts?

Excellent comments, etc., on this forum.
My mother has dementia alzheimers. I think she's at stage 5 now. We've had to move her four times due to her progression and each time we've needed to allow her time to transition.
With advanced dementia this is not usual for them to recommend to you visitation be delayed. It's ok. The purpose is to help mother transition and acclimate to her new home. Your presence can be a trigger which pulls on her and affects transition.
It's harder on us than our loved one. It's difficult for your mother on the immediate, but this eventually deminishes as she transitions. They will see to her needs. You can call & ask how she is doing, yet you will need to transition too.
Every person with dementia is different but do have & experience common things they focus on like; going home, finances, they have to go & take care of the kids, fear is especially a big one. Just normal life things they have done for so many many years and they need to feel safe. Security is key for them. At a memory care AL they can focus on these things and work with mother, building relationship, intense loving attention, etc.
Give mother time to transition. Quality of life is focus here. It may make take a while, but she will be fine. So will you.
Blessings

We’re putting our mom into a memory care on Tuesday. Didn’t hear if we are not supposed to visit. I’m wondering how to tell her she is not going home. Just thinking we will say Dr said you can’t go home yet...

Go with your gut. Nobody tells me what to do even if they are an "expert." I'd be damned if I'd trust anyone to give me updates and not see for myself. In fact, in this day and age I would never trust that, and doing so would make my stress level quadruple. Heck, I wouldn't even use a pup daycare that said leave my little one for an afternoon...

When my Mum was moved to MC and then to an MC in a Nursing Home I was never counselled to not visit and there was no question in my mind about my need to be there, or my brother. I spent time with Mum doing the daily routines of the Unit and talking with staff as they cared for her. I think I was trying to be a bridge and reassure her that it was all okay and these were good people. You have to do what you feel is best for your Mum.

Never heard anyone be told not to visit. If her memory is as bad as you say, there's a good chance she wouldn't remember from one day to the next that you had been there. To me, this is a red flag to go and see what's going on. It's possible they are sedating her to the point she will not get out of bed and be less of a workload for them. I say go

You know how, when your kids are young, sometimes their friends are better behaved on a playdate at your house when their mother isn't present? It can be like that in this situation, too. If you're there a lot, your mom will simply do her usual behaviors. Without you, she will accept the help of the staff and start to adapt to the new routines.

That said, two months seems a lot! You should do what feels right to you, but some period of letting the staff get your mom adjusted while she's still the early days of living there will be beneficial.

I like this..why torture your mother when you won't take her home? Pictures and stuff like that I also advise not to put into their rooms...only brings memories that they were once free and healthy and who knows what else but for the most part they cause harm IMO. Let her have some peace and adjust to her surroundings. Satisfy your guilt in knowing at least she won't be upset and crying to go home after every visit you make. I know it sounds harsh but it might be for the best,,, for her best. After visits; it's the staff that's left to pick up the shattered pieces.

Two weeks was advice I got. We took it.

I would not be able to do that! However, my mom is in assisted living, not memory care. One lady moved in at the same time as my mom. Her family went on a "vacation" and didn't visit her for 3 weeks. My mom had her home care person and me there with her most of every day for 4 days at first, showing her around, reminding her where her room and the dining room are, and just calming her down and sitting with her. My mom adjusted much better and in fact, the other lady had to be transferred to memory care within 2 months. The two of them had seemed about at the same level of Alzheimer's and they would often be seen holding hands and they even tried to escape together to go for wine. After the other lady had to leave, my mom never tried to escape again. (But she also has never had a friend there). I'm not saying for sure my being there was what helped my mom, but maybe it did. One thing that would bother me a lot is if my mom were to forget me because I did not to see her almost every day. I'm the only person she always knows.

Dear friend, so sorry for your suffering. My opinion is based on the similar 'neediness' of my late mother, & her failure to adjust to ALF. I felt bad every day, cuz she told endless stories of unhappiness, but my indulging her 'neediness' was probably harming her. Since you have the advantage of 'memory-care' specialists, I would follow the instructions for 1 month, then check mom's progress with nurse. (I feel that the 1 month would help YOU adjust as well), cuz our guilt makes us sick & is unproductive. Hope you will try it.✌

Obviously, you have to do what feels right for you........however, there is no way that I could have left my Mom alone in MC for three weeks, let alone two months!! I think she adjusted faster because she could see us every day and know that she hadn't just been "dumped" there, but that may have just been wishful thinking on my part. The facility was very good about getting to know her and finding her a roommate that was compatible, which also helped tremendously in her transition.

Uh...no.  You do need to give some time for adjustments, but that is unreasonable.
Give it about a week, then go see her.  Otherwise, she'll think she's been abandoned and that won't do.  You have a RIGHT and an obligation to see that she is being cared for properly.  Waiting that long allows for unsavory things to occur and become a habit.  I write the checks for my mom's care.  I MAKE SURE she gets her care!  And believe me, it has been "unpleasant" at times...for the facility.

That's way too long! Wait a couple days at most. It's easier for the people who care for her because she will finally just give up. Don't listen to them.

As your mother has AD, I don't understand the facility's recommendation. What if you waited as long as they're recommending and then your mother doesn't recall that you're her daughter OR she asks where you have been?

My Mother was in a nursing facility for 4 years and just passed away this past December. There is no way I would go that long without checking on her. It may be considered a “great” facility, but that doesn’t mean a thing until you spot check yourself to be sure she is being taken care of properly. I strongly advise against that nurse’ Suggestion. I even had to go to the Administrator several times within the first 4 months my Mom was there. They weren’t feeding her properly and she needed speech therapy. Then her meds were just not working properly and they took away one and added another. Be sure CNA’s are taking proper care of your Mom too. You get good ones and then you can get bad ones. Just check on her.

My mom and I had rocky relationship for most of our lives. In the beginning I was also told to stay away, but only for a week at a time. Iť was very beneficial to our relationship, and now we've become much closer. Good luck.

You know your mom better than anyone at the facility does. Go with your own instinct. Personally, I think 2 months is a bit too long. My mom has dementia and is also very needy. I am one of only two people who visit her regularly (my stepfather's cousin is her close friend and has been very faithful). She knows I come every weekend on a Saturday or Sunday and we go out for dinner and shopping for whatever she thinks she needs. As confused as she can get sometimes, she always depends on my regular visits and looks forward to them. Yes, they are sometimes inconvenient for me and I haven't had a whole weekend to myself for 3 years, but I hate to disappoint her. I'm scheduled for knee replacement in October and not sure what's going to happen when I can't drive, but luckily I will have some time to prepare her.

Moving Mom to a Memory Care home. tomorrow. She knows and is happy. I will let you all know....
They haven't said anything about when I can't visit.

I pretty much agree with all the comments. I have heard about not visiting for a week or 2. But 2 months!! Never. No way. At a minimum I would go there and observe her from afar...even if you didn't let her know you were there. I would certainly want staff to know you will be an active, visible presence.

Personally, until your loved one is at the very final stage of dementia, I believe they know if you are around. I just got back from 2 almost back-to-back 5-day trips over a span of about 3 weeks. I told my mom (moderate dementia) the therapeutic lies and never let on that I was away. She apparently never mentioned me to her helpers, but I still think on some level she knew I was not around and possibly also knew I was spinning tall tales. Her behavior was a little off and is just now starting to "re-normalize" since I've been back.

As always, go with your gut. It will never steer you wrong.
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Do not wait that long, it makes me wonder what they might be hiding. Admittedly my situation is different we moved my mom from Assisted Living to Memory Care in the same facility, and there was absolutely no wait time for me to visit. Please do not wait, not two months

I wouldn't be able to wait.

Best wishes that is a hard thing to do. That's seems a little long to wait, imo, but you know you situation better that anyone else.

Please keep us posted as the weeks go by, I'm hoping the nurse was wrong (& it will work out fine for your mom when u visit). 😅.

I decorated my father's MC room with his furniture (bed, chest, small table, arm chair and rocking chairs) and photo collages of family and his home and large posters of his collectibles; I also made a photo album with prints of digitized photos. Dad had vascular dementia and his memory remained pretty good. He clearly enjoyed using the photos as he told visitors and staff about things he had done in his life. He loved new pics of his great-grandchildren so much I got a digital photo frame that I could send photos to over the internet.