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Just had a huge fight with my mother.


Don’t know where to begin, crazy stressful week with daughter getting married- she caters to 4 out of nine, excuses them for not seeing her or calling her, while I am expected to just be a rug and do everything!!! I am beyond hurt that she said she can’t call them out on their wrong doings to her or me and my husband because they will never speak to her again!!! Two won’t be attending wedding because their happiness matters! These are life changing decisions for me, not attending my daughter’s wedding because we asked for help with their Mother!!! She is playing the victim and saying she is going to find somewhere to live!!! I am feeling bad but honestly can’t take the stress of being victimized and doing all the work!!!!

Again thanks for the support.. it’s amazing to see how much different people can be born from the same parents! And I agree about parents having a sixth sense! Moved out at 19 to marry my husband, but as my dad was dying he hinted that I would be the one
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The best way to get past the guilt is to look at your own family and how much her living with you has impacted them. Look at times you had to struggle to juggle her wants/needs with theirs. Look at how upset you get, cranky and snappish because of dealing with her and the sibling dynamic. Seeing how much this has affected your own family gives you the strength to stand up to her. Read back thru some of cmagnum's posts to get an idea of what it's like for our spouses - I did what amijoy recommended above. It wasn't easy, but was needed badly. And as for people talking, whatever ---- ignore them.
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Patchouli07 Nov 6, 2018
Thank you
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You are the MOB, and that is a huge social responsibility. Caregiving your Mom before, during, and after the wedding just will not work. A new Mil also need to attend and greet her new Son in law and his family, not be harried, burnt out, and grouchy, or red faced from working too hard.
The rest of your family understandably wants to enjoy the wedding too.

Hire a caregiver to get your Mom ready, take her separately, , stay with her, take her home on her schedule. She will also enjoy herself, maybe. You can see her there, have happy photos taken......a time to remember, not stress about.

Is there a special spa day planned by her maid of honor, and are you included?
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Patchouli07 Nov 6, 2018
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I would also find someone to "tend" Mom during the wedding. You should be able to enjoy it. Maybe some of her children can split the "duty". Each giving 30 min or so. She should be happy with the attention.
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Linda22 Nov 6, 2018
Patchouli, this is a must - my sister took over tending to my mom for the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Best gift ever - I was able to just be MOB and not be dealing with her sour mood.
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I like Ahmijoy's advice but I would add that being MOB is extremely stressful. Maybe table the suggested conversation until after the wedding and just concentrate on your daughter for the next week. I wouldn't try to add any additional stress at this time.

Please try not to worry about your two siblings non-attendance at the wedding. Sounds like you have a few spares! Focus on the people who do show up to celebrate this wonderful occasion. Have a blast! Congratulations.
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When is your daughter getting married?
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Patchouli07 Nov 6, 2018
She is getting married on Saturday 11/10
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Follow Ahmijoy' s advice.
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Patchouli07 Nov 6, 2018
Hopefully I can, thanks
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Your home is your sanctuary. It’s a place you should feel safe and welcome and comfortable doing your own thing. This is not so in your case. You are in the middle of a firestorm of family against family. Your mother is up on the podium conducting all this like Mickey Mouse as The Sorcerer’s Apprenticeship in “Fantasia”. In addition, you are trying to plan what should be a happy and blessed occasion, a wedding. I did this for my son and an ungrateful DIL in the.midst of also trying to sell our home.

Something has to change. Do you have Power of Attorney? Even if you don’t, Mother has got to go. Living with our children in their homes is a privilege and not a right. We are not allowed to burst into their homes and take over, pitting them against each other and then sitting back to watch.

Were you wrong for taking her in? No. You did it with the best of intentions. Maybe your sibs said they'd help and then backed out. So tomorrow you sit down with Mother and tell her this arrangement isn’t working. You will be searching for other living arrangements for her. She can be a part of that search if she is capable...or not. But, she is going to have to go. A nice Senior Apartment, Independent Living, whatever. But she has to go. Then you write each of your sibs a letter saying Mother can no longer live in your home and you are making other arrangements. This deal is not open for bargaining. The decision is made. You will not allow yourself, your husband or your children to be used and abused any longer. Any of your sibs, as you will say in the letter, is more than welcome to take Mother into their home. But, you are out of it. You’re going to have to be strong and determined and not let anyone guilt your into reversing your decision. If you let them do that, you will only have yourself to blame.

Good luck and keep us updated.
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Patchouli07 Nov 6, 2018
Thank you for your answer, and pray that I can be strong! My mother has a way of guilting me and not sure how I can get past that. I am sure I could use therapy for all that has happened in the past 2&1/2 years. I feel like no matter what I am going to be the bad guy either way! The siblings who are mad because she is here will talk about me putting her out. The whole situation really sucks , but once again thank you for validation
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