By nature I’m known as stable , nice and get along and have close friends. Between my mom who has had dementia 6 years now (92) and my husband in his late 60’s who seems his brain is forgetting things and odd behaviors I get very angry over smallish things that set me off. I don’t know why I get so angry. And say angry things. Over things I could once brush off. I’ve been dealing with watching my mother lose her “brain” and “logical thinking” over past 6 years. And now things my husband does and says ( he’s late 60’s) are becoming increasingly “dumb”. Sorry to offend with that word. It comes to me often when his thinking just isn’t logical because I have no other way to describe his action or words. All I can think is “did you turn off your thinking cap?” It’s like when I didn’t realize mom’s brain was “being weird”. The first year she started dementia family got irritated by her actions. We said she’s doing “dumb” stuff. Dementia is terribly cruel, especially for family who can’t tell it’s happening . A hubby story , he dropped a plastic bottle cap into disposal in sink and rather than take the easy way to just take it out he proceeded to flashlight underneath and was contemplating dismantling entire disposal to remove ! If I didn’t jump in and make him move and “easily” take it out from inside disposal he would’ve dismantled whole thing! I get so mad because the “dumb” stuff makes so much work for me! Between work for mom and now him I’m mad a lot these days. I grew up in church and try and try to do better and know it isn’t right to get that mad and especially let him have it with words. I don’t want to get this angry and so I’m writing this to see if anyone has words that can help me. Feel pretty alone and basically I am as are we all. Friends have offered advice but honestly unless someone has personally dealt yrs with “ broken brains” they just don’t know what it’s like . Thanks if anyone has helpful advice to keep anger at bay.ps.. we go away in winter months but as of last yr I feel more like I’m traveling with a first grader ):ALL help is welcome 🙏
Meditation/relaxing videos helped a little, but the effect didn't last long.
It is normal to feel angry when things seem out of control and your LO seems to go out of his way to create problems. I agree that your husband should be evaluated, my husband did similar things, unfortunately also with his money.
I am sorry for your situation, I hope you can find some way to recover. Try to get all the help you can and take care of yourself. Caregiver burnout is not a joke. You have friends in this forum. I hope things will get better soon.
Old age is not for sissies. We need to give each other as much grace as possible because I know I'm forgetful too, just in different ways than DH.
Thank God he didn't take the sink apart for a bottle cap in the disposal. Sometimes simple logic escapes us. Think about helping him when he needs it and vice versa. I work on that daily myself, reinforcing the team work attitude.
Good luck with a tough situation.
You need to now make sure that you're taking time away from both mom and hubby to do things that you enjoy to reset your spirit, mind and soul so you can continue on this difficult road you're on without the anger.
And a local caregiver in person dementia support group would also help you stay more focused and positive, as there is nothing more helpful than to be able to share with others who know exactly what you're going through.
When my late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2018, my local caregiver support group literally saved my life, as I was able to get out all of my frustrations and fears with others who didn't judge but understood and were there to give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on if needed.
And when I would share that I got mad at my husband and shouted at him, they would help me understand that we're all human and we all have our breaking points, and that getting angry at our loved ones is actually quite normal.
So don't beat yourself up over this. Instead educate yourself as much as you can about this horrific disease, and remember that you matter too in this equation.
I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your mom and now your husband too.
Id be pissed off too.
Did you remove the bottle cap by placing your hand inside before it was unplugged?
Life happens, it all does not rest on your shoulder, and it is not your fault.
It does, however, rest on your shoulders if you think it does.
P.S. I have found a bit of relief by not watching my dH do household repairs.
Would you have been able to stop him from trying to fix the problem, or would he have gone ahead anyway? This could be a red flag for ADHD or Aspergers.
Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that would have happened if you left the bottle cap there overnight? Could you have unplugged the electricity? Would he have agreed to that delay?
It is incredibly difficult not to be able to trust your husband anymore to do routine maintenance chores without your supervision. That part alone is scary for a wife,
though you might not have yet considered this fear as part of the anger and frustration.
Anger that feels constant, out of proportion, or impossible to control is rarely about the moment it erupts in. It usually points to something the nervous system and the mind have been carrying for a long time, and that is why surface-level fixes tend to fall short. What is going on now just adds to the picture of you "losing it". Not your fault though. Also, not the fault of your husband since it is not likely he is being "dumb" or inept on purpose.
Until you can get some real helpful advice for your anger, please walk away or go outside without saying anything to your husband.
You are nearing what is called "Burnout" and you may not be able to just try harder to fix it.
Your mother is in a nursing home. Talk to the Staff, asking them to step-up their care of your mother while you visit less, do much less in the next 15 days. That would include visiting much less. If you go away in the winter months, you know how to leave her in their care. Mute your phone between the hours of 4:00 p.m. and the morning, when you have already awakened, had your coffee, and shower.
What is your husband's biggest concern about you? Does he have any? Or is he 100% focused on his own needs and wants? Friends giving you advice on how to do more, be kinder will end what may have been a good friendship in the past. It may leave you feeling unheard, inadequate, and doubting yourself.
You have every right to be angry about your difficult situation. The Church thing, or about being a Christian, is that you make a choice to not express your anger inappropriately to the nearest person. It is about self-control, giving you enough time to exit that next difficult situation or argument before exploding. Or screaming into a pillow outside in the car, or talking to God who understands.
You can do all this without saying things you will regret to your husband, because you won't be changing him, and he may get worse over time. Take some time for yourself over the next week.
I believe you are who you say you are: "By nature I’m known as stable , nice and get along and have close friends."
Vent away! The garbage disposal thing sounds brutal — so frustrating!