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Feeling guilty like usual and frustrated with her.

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Overwhelm, you have no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver - advise your parents that you are leaving on a specific date and do it. As long as you wait around, the power is in her hands and not yours. Not good. There are all kinds of arrangements that can be made for care and the sooner they are investigated and chosen, the better for all. Living will is about end of life decisions - going into assisted living, etc., is a whole different issue. You can say "I'll never go into a home" BUT that does not constitute an obligation for anyone else to enable that.
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I think there is a lot of emphasis placed on poa's, both financial and medical, and in large and/or dysfunctional families they are absolutely necessary. If, however, there is no poa in place there are laws in each state/province that specify who the substitute decision maker will be, generally a spouse, then child and so on. I think it is more important to actually have the conversation about end of life issues and living will directives, even if you don't formalize it. Either way your substitute decision maker needs to know how your feel about these issues so they can act accordingly. I've found some very good Q&A type forms online that I think would be helpful to get the conversation started.
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It is not wrong. Your mother (and everyone) needs to have advanced directives/living will completed no matter what their age. Anything could happen in an instant, a stroke, a heart attack, a car accident-anything, life can change in an instant and you may not be able to communicate. No one will know what kind of care you would want in the event you are unable to communicate. Having it in writing is the only way your opinions, thoughts, beliefs and values about your care will be honored. I find sometimes people don't want to think about these types of issues, but I look at them not as 'in case I'm going to die' but as a 'life plan'. Sometimes people just don't understand some of the terms. Taking the form to the next doctor appointment is a good idea, jot down any questions she may have so she can ask the doc while she is there. You can contact your local area agency on aging or even call the social worker at the local hospital and ask if they can assist in the completion of the forms. There are so many things to consider, after all-having a life plan is important. living will is a plan about how you will live your life after an illness or accident. There is nothing to be afraid of. Your living will should be a reflection of your beliefs and thoughts about certain medical care and treatments. If it's not in writing, someone may make a decision you don't/won't agree with but because it's not written, it's too bad. I stress the importance of planning ahead and everyone despite their age needs to plan ahead. I hope this helps with your conversation with your mom.
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My mom and I went through this. She said she wanted to do it but procrastinated. Every time I asked her, she got angry, but would then say in -between she wanted to get it done. One of the times she pondered wanting to get it done, I whipped out the forms and said, well it's right here - don't talk about it, just do it. And she signed it. Sometimes, it's about the timing. After a LOT of times where she wouldn't, I just caught her in right mood.
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Overwhelm, does your mom have some cognitive issues! Does her husband?

You sound as though you've got a lot going on and are, well overwhlemed. It sounds as though your mother is content with the way things are.

If you want this situation to change, YOU have to change. You have to set a date that you're leaving, make your plans and stick to them. Make an appointment for mom to see her lawyer and her doctor. Explain to them both, in her presence, that you are leaving on May 1, and that mom will need their assistance in setting up legal instruments, care and the like.

Then do it. Don't get entangled in the Web of Guilt. Help them get care set up. That's your obligation.
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There are three issues you should look at . Living will is about end of life decisions. Power of attorney authorizes your moms designee to make financial and care (nursing home, assited living) decisions for her when she is no longer able. She would grant this to someone while she is still mentally competent. Guardianship is used if your mother is incompetent to make decisions to care for herself.
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A living will has to do with medical treatments for prolonging life; it's not about where one lives, usually.

No one can make you be your mom's caregiver. Perhaps having mom hire a geriatric care manager would be a first step in having a neutral third party assess the situation.
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She needs to have it written in her living will that she doesn't want to go into a seniors home!
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overwhelm, what does this have to do with a living will?

She wants you to be her caregiver right now. You do not want to be her caregiver, but you recognize that she needs more care than her husband can provide. Is that correct? It seems to me that that is an entirely different issue than filling out an advance directive document.

Is the real question, "How can I arrange some care for my mother when her husband thinks he can provide it himself, but can't?" I think once we understand the real issue you will get more helpful responses.
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Yes but she wants me to take care of her and make sure she doesn't go into a home and my partner and I are wanting to leave and her husband won't hire anyone he says he can do it but he can't believe me long story.
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It is not "wrong" but I wonder how you can enforce your demand.

Explain to your mom that by putting her preferences in writing she has a pretty good chance of having them carried out even if she is not able to express herself when decisions are needed. If that doesn't bother her, so be it.

Many people have a strong sense of "I want it done my way." If she doesn't, and is willing to leave decisions up to others or up to rules, then I'd say go along with her. If she doesn't care, I'd think there was limited value in you trying to force the issue.
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Go with her to her next MD appointment and fill out the Advanced Directives and / or MOLST form and have her sign them, the MD sign them and two people from his staff witness the signatures. Keep copies with you.
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