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This is going to be a long story - but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. My mother passed when I was a teenager so it has been me and my father since then. We have always had a great relationship and have always looked out for and taken care of each other. After I divorced my first husband I moved home with my father. Because we got along so well it worked out great for both of us. We decided that for financial reasons we would get our then paid for house refinanced so we have a mortgage that I have paid and agreed to pay since day one. Fast forward, years later, I met a man dated him for about 3 years and after getting my fathers "approval" we got married. My father liked him (talked and joked with him) until we got married and he moved in. I explained to my now husband that I could not move to his place or buy a home because I am paying a mortgage at my dads. It just didn't make sense to pay two mortgages/rent if it was not necessary. My husband and my father both agreed. Well it went down hill fast and unfortunately I have to say it was mainly because of my father. The one thing my husband did wrong was move in and organize / rearrange stuff the way he thought it should go even stuff that was not his – he even threw away stuff that was not his. My father has called my husband stupid, and admitted to doing things just to upset my husband. I over heard him on the phone one time telling a friend he was going to make it a point to run my husband away. My husband usually remained quiet and just tried his best to not complain and stay out of my fathers way. My father on the other hand would call me in his room the second I arrived home from work each day to tell me that my husband left the shower curtain hanging the wrong way after taking a shower or he moved the dishrag from where he left it. My father accused my husband of stealing stuff – which we would find somewhere in his room and basically I’ve been caught in the middle for the last 5 years. Well about three years ago, as things continued to get worse my husband demanded we move and have our own place. I (not knowing how we would do it – me having to continue to pay for the mortgage at my dads house) agreed. So we moved out and it was a complete struggle financially – doable but a struggle. Along with this, after we moved my father was put in the hospital for CHF and was diagnosed with dementia. With all of that – it just made sense to move back home with him. He never had any groceries because he could not afford to buy any and I had always bought groceries – it just made sense for everyone if we were all under one roof. He went through a period of talking to himself, saying he was talking to the devil and I thought I was about to lose him – luckily he stopped soon after we moved back in and at first everything was ok. But over the last couple of months they have again went down hill. He wants me to cook 2 different meals each Sunday so he can eat throughout the week. When I did this he would complain about my food. I’m a healthy eater on most days and don’t use butter, whole milk and cheeses and bake biscuits everyday. So after he complained so many times I quit cooking. During this time I had a baby, discovered I have blood clot in my leg and have been having to pay out of pocket for Lovenox which is very expensive. I’ve been worried about my own health and he never asks well how are you doing – or can I do anything to help with your medicine – instead each day I hear about he thinks we purposely are raising his water bill to hurt him (I pay the power bill too) who would purposely do that? The toilet has been leaking he accused my husband of breaking it on purpose…well why would he do that when he knows WE would have to pay to get it fixed. So each day I am sooo mad at him – for trying to ruin my marriage, for not being concerned about anyone but himself, for not being my buddy – the person I have adored my whole life…yet I’m stuck. I can not move out because I can not pay two mortgages and even if I could his health is failing he is 5’11 and a year and half ago he weighed 140 which is thin for him but now he is 116. As good of a father as he has been to me there is no way I could leave him. No way. But I want to. Sadly, I don't like who he is not. Again - this is the short version. I just want to be married, raise my daughter and live as close to a normal family life as possible and I’m mad that I don’t have that and I feel so guilty for wanting it as bad as I do. If you’ve made it this far – thank you. Any and all feedback is welcomed.

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You might try introducing a caregiver, if you can pay for it. A kind of companion would distract his constant need for you. Someone who can share his interest. That worked for my mom for awhile. They loved to go out to eat and take walks together. As dementia progresses he will also give in to things--at least that was my experience and my mother was STUBBORN!! You certainly won't be able to handle him when dementia progresses though, so make a plan for care.
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My father is 84 and he does receive a small social security check monthly. He has always needed my help with groceries, gas and pocket money before the mortgage...but you're right getting that mortgage was the worst mistake we ever made. I am going to research assisted living and nursing homes and programs or housing for the low income elderly. I really appreciate all of your responses.
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Something I wondered is if your father has any money at all. How old is he? It sounds like you have been totally footing his bill. Does he get social security or any kind of pension? I have a feeling the biggest mistake was the second mortgage. I wish there was some way to pay it off quickly. I would be tempted to find a retirement village for dad and, as someone already suggested, sell the home. The mortgage payment is keeping you on a chain. If your father and you were free of the payment he might be able to afford to live on what he makes each month. I would work toward getting him into a retirement community or assisted living, then get rid of the house and concentrate on your husband and daughter. Since your father doesn't get along with your husband, visiting your father, instead of living with him, sounds like a much better idea.
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My husband and I both work full time jobs. But it was still a struggle trying to pay both when we did move. It's an awful situation and I'm tired of feeling like I'm being pulled in different directions. I have researched dementia and understand the stages. I don't know exactly what stage he is in because he refuses to go to geriatric dr and pats his PCP no attention and won't take meds. He mentioned going to nursing home two days ago and I know him - he said it to upset me. When that didn't work he started talking finding a new cable provider and painting his bedroom.
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None of this story makes any sense. You are the main breadwinner in your household making enough money to pay two mortgages, support your father, AND support your husband, plus have a baby?

Since your Dad has dementia, you need to take some time and learn about dementia, the different stages, and what is all involved. Once you do that you will understand that what your Dad is saying isn't him talking, it's the dementia talking.

You don't need to be paying two mortgages, have your Dad sell his house and use that money for him to pay for assistant living/nursing home care. With dementia it will only get worse, not better.
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He needs assisted living. Get him there and get on with your life.
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It was a small refinance and basically paid off his car and medical bills, etc. My husband is still pushing for us to move my heart wouldn't let me. I guess I just wish I knew how to forgive him and stop being angry with him and it's so hard because each day he is still mean and doesn't appreciate anything. I just feel awful that I feel the way I do about him.
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Sounds like money is the main obstacle keeping you from moving out and having your own life. What happened to the proceeds when the house was refinanced? Was it spent on living expenses, something frivolous or gambled away? If dad is low income, maybe you could look into getting him into some kind of subsidized housing for the elderly and then selling his house and paying off the mortgage.
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