Again, you can read my story if you want the background.
But to sum up, mom is now back in the hospital. This is the 5th time this year. My brother has full charge of her care. The family dynamic if you want to read about it is horrific in my book. My brother has recently cut off all communication with me, including about the health status of my mom, simply because I disagreed with him about not letting someone stay in her home when she’s in rehab and in health crises. To be honest things were going south anyway, this was just the catalyst for the current situation. he refused to communicate anything about moms care with me and because of that we couldn’t even agree to disagree.
Fortunately, I have been able to get on the hospital system portal and that’s the only reason I have any information about her at all.
my daughter and I were planning on visiting her in rehab yesterday. I happened to look on her hospital system portal and found that she was in the ER. So I went down there. When I went in, my brother was there and my mom was on BiPAP. The first thing she said was “how did you know I was here? I thought you weren’t talking to each other.“ (I never told her that) all I said to her was “I have my ways.“
I told her “ I’m your daughter. I’m supposed to be here and I’m here because I love you.“ I said that several times. I also told her I was not here to talk about my relationship with my brother. I just held her hand. My brother was silent the entire time. Then she got into this anxiety mode and started saying “help me, help me.“. (This is her standard when she gets into this mode.) The sad part is even in this dying state she still acquiesces to him and accepts the fact that I’m cut off from all updates from her. He is the silent controller.
I finally told her that I was leaving because she needed to calm down and that my being here was not helping her be calm. She said Ok but “ give me a kiss“ so I did and then I left.
this was a different hospital from her previous hospitalizations and I tried to talk to the nurse in the ER and she refused to give me any information about my mother because I’m not power of attorney and that I would have to handle it on the family level. That’s the first time anyone has ever told me that. I’m on her HIPAA but the nurse told me that didn’t matter. I was not her power of attorney and my brother would have to give permission. it seems he just keeps going one more step towards cutting me out of her life completely.
my presence when my brother is there only causes her more anxiety. My own stress level is through the roof every time I go see her whether my brother is there or not. We can have a ‘decent’ visit if my brother is not there, but when my brother is there, the tension is palpable.
Mom and I had what I thought was a very close relationship my entire life until the last couple of months since my brother has taken over. Now she seems OK with the fact that he’s taking care of her and I’m out of the picture. I realize some of it is her cognition yet at the same time she also is aware of what’s happened. Put simply, it feels like betrayal.
So my decision is - I’m not going back to see her. I’ve gotten the strong feeling for a while that she does not really care that I am not around much anymore because my brother is her savior. Last night confirmed that for me. And it’s not worth causing her more stress in these last moments of her life. She is now a dying woman, there’s no getting around that. I can tell she’s getting tired of the whole process of fighting for her life yet she still has no DNR with full medical interventions. All she is doing is clinging to life at all cost.
I cannot heal any of my own wounds from this because every time I see her it just rips off the scab and the wound is fresh again. I’d be willing to put up with that - if it helped her.
Why can’t we just make choices to get along?? We could all have so much more even at end of life
They don't have to change.
I can.
You've come to the decision you are most comfortable with. Good for you. Your family has their dynamics. Good for them. No need to be a part of it. I will suggest therapy to reconcile problems. A good therapist can help so much. Perhaps you have the means to take a short trip? Or a visit to a local park or beach with friends and pack a fancy picnic. Hang out. Enjoy being with them. Scabs are there to heal wounds. Scars are there to remind us we can heal.
The worst thing a person in her condition can go through is this kind of division and dissention between her children NO MATTER WHO IS TO BLAME.
This is tantamount to the two of you, one on either side, pulling your mother into pieces.
It is cruel. She wasn't happy to see you. Instead of saying "Oh, Wag, I am so glad you are here" she said "How did you know I was here; I thought you two weren't talking."
I would step away and would write brother that you are doing so, and are doing so because you want your mother to have peace. I would tell him please to update you if/when he feels it's appropriate, and to please let you know if your Mom would like a visit. That otherwise you will not be contacting them.
Stay off the portal. They have both made it clear they don't want you a part of any of that anymore. Get on with your own life. This is for your own good, and for the good of your mother.
I highly recommend some counseling for yourself in working on transitioning from what WAS to what IS NOW, Wag, so you can get on with life and stop being mired down in this muddy mess.
I think the suggestion to document I will not be visiting anymore and to let me know if she wants me to visit is a good one and I will likely be doing that.
I TRULY thought I was doing the RIGHT thing by visiting so she could still have both of us to be by her side to some degree. Sometimes though we are shown to be wrong. It would be WRONG now on my part not to act accordingly. I see that now.
There exists no playbook for this. And for good reason. It shouldn’t EVER be needed.
I realized that she could care less about me, and that was the truth my entire life.
Sending support your way.
I've been dealing with this for sometimes, after I totally lost my marbles, I got counseling, and an understanding through this forum. I totally understand my family dynamics, and why Im pushed out of my family, now. I'm pushed out because I want what's best for my mom, well my brothers wants what's best for them.
You may not think your mom loves you, but in her way she does, as does mine, it's just ingrained into my mom that men are her God, women are nothing, so I'm treated as a nothing, and her worshiping my dad and brothers has made it impossible to have any kind of normal relationship with anyone in my family.
I have never been loved by a parent unconditionally, it made me not feel worthy to be loved. I have learned, that I don't need it , I love myself now.
I think understanding all of this has helped me a lot. I would suggest to get some therapy, although, unpleasant feelings happen, in the end it is well worth it.
You, like me only want one thing, the best care for are mothers. I've accepted the fact that mom molded my brother to be who he is, so her not getting the best care is her fault , more than anyone. My mom chose this, so try not to worry to much about your mom, I understand how difficult that is. Take a mini vacation if you can, or even better a long vacation, and try to think about you , not your mom and brother.
You also give me hope that I WILL get past this. Thank you. I’m ready to do what it takes to do it. Like cutting off a limb from a gangrenous infection to save the rest of the body.
Yes my mother created this and ‘molded’ my brother as you say - and she’s happy enough with the result apparently. Her choice.
I can now learn from it and be determined not to carry on the family legacy with my own children. I believe we CAN break the cycle. But it takes work.
I think you're right to not visit your mother anymore because she's turned on you and your mental health must be protected. It's not worth it.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe your brother would speak to you and keep you updated on your mother if you called or emailed him. I wouldn't do any more than that with him.
You hit the nail on the head. I’m sure you’ve seen it all!
See All Answers