I have other siblings but they're not really involved. It's as if one day I looked around and everyone I thought would be there were gone, and I just settled in, not the first, second or third time. Now my mother has come to solely depend on me for basically everything. Although she still lives alone, cooks for herself, I occasionally take food over. She mainly just depend on me to take her to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pay bills or just to get her out of the house from time to time. However, it's created some hostilities and false accusations against me of "trying to control" my mom, which is impossible even if I remotely considered trying to control her, when it was actually they who disappeared and mom just became more and more dependent on me, not even asking them to do things anymore. But I've noticed my own heath is failing and I also have a spouse who suffered a stroke a few years ago and depends on me. Although he can get around and do things, but doesn't drive much anymore--I do the bulk of the driving. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Maybe just someone who has experienced the same or similar with family members maybe? How did you handle it? I'm no longer really close to my siblings. The accusations became too much, wearing me down, so I rarely even see them anymore unless on the rare occasion when they decide to drop by my moms and I happen over at or near the same time. Otherwise I try to avoid them altogether.
How does one handle family members who grow distant, make false accusations ( mainly out of guilt I've been told by a nurse I had a brief discussion with about it)?---And how do I balance my own health issues, doctor's appointments when her's overlap with mine? How do you deal with false accusation, not only from family, but sometimes from professionals too?
Okay, I'll stop here. I guess I'm feeling somewhat depressed, experiencing burnout and hopefully I'm not coming across as asking for pity. Just understanding and advice.
On the issue of being accused by professionals it involved my spouse, another time my father-in-law who came to live with us years ago from out of state (he's since passed away). But I'll tell of the most recent one with my spouse.
The doctor kept increasing the dosage for a certain medication often used for glandular disorders, and he began to have these terrible headaches. At first I didn't even pay attention to the dosage being increased until he began having the headaches. I thought he was threatening another stroke. It was then I looked at the dosage of the medication and the doctor had increased it by 3 times the amount. Although it's a commonly used medication for gland disorders, I knew from a high school friend whose sister died many years ago from taking a same or similar medication from two different doctors (likely the medicine was under a different name (generic/brand?) and she ended up taking double the dose. I'm not sure if it was fully explained to her at the time what the medicine was for.
Anyway, I hope I'm not being to long with this story, I contacted the doctor's office, the specialist (not the primary care doctor), about the increase in dosage when I was referred to the nurse who accused me all things of "doctor shopping" when I told her his primary care doctor had him on 25mgs where the specialist had increased the medication to 75mgs. It was really scary, embarrassing and humiliating because she said it in a room with other patients. It's not a medication anyone would feel a need to 'doctor shop' to obtain.
I had to do some investigation on my own to determine what why the specialist felt a need to increase the dosage. It turns out each time I took my spouse to the specialist he'd carry out a test to see if the medication was working, but he never said anything about it. He only increased the dosage. Well, further investigation I found my spouse wasn't taking the medication. Although I was there when I could have sworn I saw him take the pill, but he was hiding it from me.
I was really angry, and told him to please don't play with medicines like that. It can be dangerous and deadly. That if he doesn't want to take the medication or it makes him fee a certain way to let the doctor know. I wasn't angry with the doctor, but I was really upset with the nurse 'doctor shopping' accusation.
"Doctor shopping" for gland medication? Oh please! That nurse was way out of line, really. Not to mention hubby needing a good slap upside the head........LOL.
Tell your siblings if they don't like how you're doing things for mother, how 'bout THEY get off their lazy azzes and come do things for her instead? Armchair critics are my personal favorite. They love to sit back, do nothing, and pass judgment on all that we ARE doing, in the trenches daily, breaking our backs! Put up or shut up, basically, dear brothers & sisters, because enough is enough.
As far as your mother's doctor appointments go, here's how I'd handle those: Tell mother that she needs to coordinate HER appointments with YOU before she makes them. You'll be happy to give her some dates and times you are available to drive her around, or, she can give YOU a couple of dates her doctor has available so YOU can choose one that works best for you. You are not a chauffeur service, and since you have health issues yourself, in addition to a needy spouse and a life, this is not much you're asking, in reality.
What false accusations are professionals making against you, exactly? The truth is, unless someone else has walked in YOUR shoes, they cannot understand your specific dilemma. It's not easy having so much on your plate to juggle. My suggestion is to start putting yourself at the top of the list for a change. If your mother needs groceries and you're busy or not up to it, the stores DO deliver these days. She can also be told to please call one of her other children for help, that you are not available on that day or time. That IS an option, in reality, so maybe you should consider it to be!!
I find that people will allow us to do EVERYTHING for them if we are willing to do everything for them. It's only when we put our foot down and say ENOUGH that they tend to back off a bit. Be sure to take some time to pamper yourself and care for your own needs because you DO matter!!
All the best of luck