My mom moved in 9 months ago. She uses a walker and can get snacks but isn’t steady enough on her feet to cook anything or heat anything. I make her dinners and do all chores/errands and bring her to all her appointments. My home is small because my husband and I downsized. Everytime she comes out of her room she can see into four different rooms so she basically always sees where I am. I’m a married adult/middle aged. It’s awkward daily. Dinner with the three of us is also awkward. I’m tired of my mom living with me. It has changed me. I barely want to talk. It has changed the dynamics of my home/marriage. My relationship with my mom has changed. I used to always make her laugh. Now I just want to cry because I see ways she is that I didn’t realize when I was younger. It has affected me emotionally and physically. I want her to be safe and comfortable. But seeing how much I have changed because of her moving in, I don’t know what to do because she’s so limited. How do you tell your mom to move somewhere else? My other siblings offer nothing. Not once have they asked truly how I’m doing. The way their homes are they couldn’t take her in anyway. So I feel stuck. Depressed. I feel like I barely am married and just living with “mommy” who basically knows where I am every moment of every day. If she doesn’t see me when she comes out of her room, she thinks I’m laying down or sleeping, even though there are rooms and another floor she can’t see. It drives me crazy. I don’t need to account for my whereabouts daily. Everything has changed since she has been here. But she thinks she’s easy. She doesn’t realize how I have felt and what I really am thinking/feeling. She doesn’t realize how awkward EVERYTHING is. It has not been easy.
"Mom, I thought this would work out but I need space and time with my husband. I think this weekend we go look at some Assisted Living places for you."
"I also think you will be happier getting involved with others"
"Moving into Assisted Living if you need help anytime there will be someone there all the time that can help you better and more safely than I can.
If mom is not cognizant you look for Memory Care places and place her in one that you feel will be best for her.
I’m guessing that either you’re born in ‘68 or you’re 68 years old! I’m 62 & living with/ taking care of my 94 year old mother with dementia in the home I grew up in & never left. My Dad passed 29 years ago & my mother & I became bookends joined at the hip. Never married no children..I concentrated on my education &/career …which was also put on hold because Mom kept falling. She used to walk with cane after hip surgery…then walker..she needed knee surgery but refused..fell & fractured shoulder & I took her 3 times to shoulder surgeon & 3 times she said “no surgery”. So she is immobile & incontinent. She was in SNF after emergency surgery,..she fell between 2 Aides…but I took her home 4.5 years ago today. I’m pooped & I have private pay aide for 35 hours a week!
Long story short..your mother will require more & more care..& you & hubby will..if he’s not on board 100%…will grow further apart. You aren’t getting any help from family. Neither have I ..not for a minute. I am making plans for my future..but there’s a lot of paperwork…don’t ask! It’s totally overwhelming!
You must decide what plan you will go with. Right now, you seem like “Mommy” is in control. You must take the reigns of control away from her & YOU take control! Either it’s Assisted living..which I think she will qualify for since your mother walks..or start looking for in home care. Get cameras installed to check in. Go out for the day with hubby after this set up.
Let us know how it is going & which plan YOU CHOOSE. While you’re at it, make appointment with elder law Atty so you can have POA & health proxy.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
I am in a similar situation with my MIL, who I have never gotten along with. We made our living room her bedroom, as it was large enough to have a double bed for her and a loveseat and tv. We still have a family room for our own use, but that doesn’t stop her constant snooping. I can’t even go to the kitchen for a snack without her checking in on me, commenting on what I’m eating, or how I’m preparing it (despite that she’s never known how to cook, much less use a microwave).
Make a list of what irritates you most, and try to come up with strategies to make them less irritating.
Some examples you’ve mentioned:
Dinner - Have you tried playing music? We do that, and it fills the awkward silence. I play music we enjoy, not necessarily her, so I feel good and uplifted.
Her knowing where you are - You mentioned having an upstairs. Can you turn one into a small den or family room? A place to put up your feet and turn on the tv without her watching you? We built a bunkie in our backyard (like a shed, but a super suped up version, with a gas stove for winter use). It’s been a lifesaver, because anytime I need to get away (and go where someone can’t find me), I just sneak out to the bunkie and get my quiet time. It’s like having a cottage in the backyard.
If you need help with ideas on specific situations, just throw them out here.
Best of luck!
She cannot live with you anymore and there can be no compromise on this. What will end up happening is your husband will leave if she doesn't and he won't be wrong. It will come down to one of them leaving. Her or him. Please, for your own sake choose him. Believe me when I say it will be a lot harder on you to have your husband walk away then it will be to find your mother a different living arrangement.
You're already on the road to becoming a nanny-slave to your mother. This will happen. She doesn't respect any boundaries now. You have zero privacy. Do you think this will improve with time? It will not. In fact it will get worse. If you want to keep any part of a good relationship with your mom, she will have to move out.
Decide on a date and stick to it.
Go visit some AL residences near you.
My mother’s place is GORGEOUS, and the people are wonderful and caring.
Then, make a list of all the things you need to do before moving day. Begin checking them off one by one.
It will be an adjustment for you all, but it will be okay.
You've done enough now. I love ya ma, but I have to live with my husband alone now in our home. If one of your siblings wants to take her in, go for it. HA! I'll betcha $100 that won't even be on the table at all!
Wishing you the best of lucking putting your foot down and getting mother out of your house.
You seem to indicate that your mother does have the option of moving. Can she live alone with services? Can she go to assisted living? Will she be understanding if you tell her you and your husband need to work on somethings in your marriage where it may be best if the two of you lived alone if the marriage is to survive (just trying to think of an angle although your marriage may not be this much in jeopardy)?
I just told my father that I'm planning on a get-a-way with my husband for our anniversary and he didn't say a word. He was quiet the entire time afterwards as though he was depressed because I wouldn't be around. We were riding in the car.
Just sit down and have a heart to heart about how this arrangement isn't working out as well as you had hoped, mention that you love her but miss you personal space and alone time, and you miss having private time with your husband. Tell her that you have been looking at other options (it would be good to have a couple ready), that you aren't abandoning her, that you think she would be better off with more opportunities to socialize with other people.