I've been thrust to care for Mom. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I've been thrust to care for Mom. Any advice?

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Mom is 80 and had hip fracture with rehab. Dementia stepped up and I'm here for 3 weeks with no help. My Giving up my life to keep her at home. Typical story of siblings retreating but causing distress, HELP!graduate work is failing and all siblings are doing is treating me like a bad employee and working against and efforts to help her. I just want a break. No one shows up. I have the health care team involved more actively but am finding if I find solutions, siblings have opinions from afar but won't help me leave. I'm trapped with no agenda or financial gain. I actually have been spending my own little funds to support and can't even view her account to budget. It's a nightmare. Luckily mom has me. I even have limits.

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What I hear you say is that you are your mother's sole caregiver. Your siblings accept your help, and they won't help, but they work against you. You have no job and are getting no money to care for your mom, but are using your own savings, which is dwindling. It looks like you are a student. You're getting burned out and don't see what, if any, other options are available.

You're not going to be able to do this long term, and your siblings won't change. It looks like, of all your siblings, only you are willing to help. You should take your mom to a lawyer (if she is competent) and get POA and health care proxy. You should also have the lawyer give you the living will form and the form making you her agent to dispose of her remains when the time comes (hopefully it won't come for a long, long time.)

With POA, you will have the authority to handle her finances and pay her bills. It will also put you in a better position to help her do a Medicaid application to get into a nursing home, where it looks like this needs to head.

What you do immediately is find the best nursing home in your area. Take tours of several, ask questions, pay attention to how you feel when you are there. How they treat you will be similar to how they treat residents. Be aware of that. Ask them about "respite care." Respite is when you place your loved one in a nursing home for care for anywhere from 3 to 30 days. They take care of everything: meals, meds, showers, recreation. It is covered by most insurance and it will buy you time to breathe. While your mom is being cared for by someone else, you do some thinking about what you are able and willing to do. The process of getting her into respite care will also reveal whether or not she is medically eligible to go into a nursing home long term. If she is eligible, and you're happy with the respite place, you should let them transfer her to their long-term unit. if she is not medically eligible for that level of care, you should start looking into assisted living facilities.

Be aware that nursing homes and assisted living facilities can eat up all her savings. Be aware that the siblings who seem least involved are most likely to be overwhelmingly interested in her money. Be prepared to see something ugly (sorry). In this case, it's actually better if your mother doesn't have much. If she does have assets, you could consult with an elder law attorney and find out how to preserve as much of her estate as possible. A good place to start is a support group at your local Alzheimer's Association (alz.com). They regularly have financial seminars where an attorney comes in to talk about Medicaid planning. You could well get a lot of your advise for free that way.

Long road ahead, but so much easier when it's mapped out. Always ask for advice. Always "plan for two steps ahead." Good luck.
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John, sometimes we need to step back to see the forest for the trees... your Mom has dementia and it never gets better, only worse.

Prior to stepping in to take care of your Mom were you determined not to place her in a continuing care facility but your siblings did? Maybe that is why your siblings aren't stepping up to help, they know Mom needs a higher layer of care that one person cannot always provide. And you need to learn first hand why they were suggesting that [if that was the case].

Here you are exhausted in just 3 weeks... imagine doing such care for years on end. Time to look at your options.
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Who is in charge of your mother's finances?

What does that person think is the best plan for your mother's care?

What is the difference of opinion between the two of you?

Also, to clarify, when you say you're there for three weeks, do you mean you have already done a three week stint and there is no end in view, or do you mean you are in the middle of a three week shift which nevertheless is causing severe disruption to your life?
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Seniors with fractures, advanced dementia, well.....it's a huge job. I don't recall ever hearing of the story being positive when a family member is doing all of this in the home. The work and stress is unending. You must be very overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted. In order to best care for your mom, I would consider all the options, make a plan and make it happen. Your mom can't make things happen. I would put them in motion for her best interest as well as your own.

I would let the person who is in charge of the finances know in advance and let them either hire an agency to come in and provide 24 hour care for her or find placement for her in a rest home or Memory Care facility. Then you can support your mom from a place of confidence that she is getting the proper care and you are not destroying your own mental, physical and financial health. To me, this would be a great way to take care of your mom.
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Who are the people on your health care team
keep her at home ??? Your home her home ?
For you own sake and survival meet with an elder affairs attorney and get your ducks in order.
Pick a sibling tell sibling your mother will be arriving by plane and they better pick her up and take over care. Been there done that and it works wonders for attitude and cooperation changes.

Join a local Al support group get to know the Alheimer's Association help line

Alzheimer's kills caregivers,, caring gets more and more demanding and the stress won't go away.

spending your own little funds to support and can't even view her account to budget. THIS IS NUTS you have a life and you must take care of yourself.
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"Giving up my life to keep her at home" is a choice you are free to make or not make. Do you accede to all of your mom's demands in other areas of your life?

Were you living with mom before she became ill? And yes, who has POA, because her funds need to be spent on in-home care or a facility.
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John, you are only trapped because you refuse to see other options. Granted the other options may not be palatable, but they are there. If Mom needs live in care then she needs to be in a nursing home/assistive living or she needs to find someone else to be that caregiver. If she refuses those options then you need to step out and stop enabling her to believe otherwise. When disaster strikes she and your sibs will be forced to face her new reality.
Sibs objections to your plans from afar are just hot air unless you let them bully you into heeding them. Who has POA?
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