I've been parent's caregiver for 5 yrs. Should I move them to where sister lives in another state to get stress off me and family? - AgingCare.com

I've been parent's caregiver for 5 yrs. Should I move them to where sister lives in another state to get stress off me and family?


I'm 49. Married. 2 sons. 20 and 15 now. So when Dad got sick in 2012 my caregiving journey started. So one son was 15 the other 10! Slowly caregiving has become more and more and more. They had a huge house. Dad hoarded. Mom bows down to Dad. Its ALL about Dad. His way or highway. My Mom is Co-dependant. I felt obligated out of love an respect to help my Mom with Dad after he had sm stroke (mental affects) and turns out heart probs. Mom has own health issues too. My father cared for my sons for my husband and I when needed to work. Boys were under 5. Dad took disability at age 54 (?). As you get older you see really how your parents really are. My Dad didn't need to stop work. He could have done something else but since it wasn't what he WANTED to do an he had "pain" (hams it up to. Never know how much pain he really is in!) so took hydrocodone. So my Mom worked and he stayed home. My Dad's Mom same way except she had rheumatoid arthritis and in wheel chair at 35. But it was ALL about her. Making my Mom get up at 2 a.m. and take us (as sm children) to her house for something stupid that could wait. But being bowdown Mom, she did it cause Dad told her to. My Dad's parents divorced. His Dad couldnt take his Moms "all about me " attitude. Now my Dad is same way. But he took care of older son till 5 yrs old. Very thankful for that. Then we lost a daughter. She passed at 6 days old. Then had another, a son. Mom and Dad took care of him until I quit work to just stay home when second son was around 3. But by then Dad laid in bed all day then up all night. Running around town. He had inherited money from Aunts. Well it's gone now! It got RIDICULOUS. He had his 2 charity cases. 2 woman. Younger but glad to accept money and " help" on bills. Borrowing money ($6,000). And Dad never let Mom know about anything until AFTER he did it. I didn't know anything until I took over caregiving 5 yrs ago. It kinda started bothering me. He was able to get around physically and mentally ok I guess but over yrs no sleep and health he has gone down hill. Not active at all. Mom tries to be. Finally got to where they could not stay in this giant house my Dad bought in 2009, cash, against Moms wishes. Way too much property. I had to sell it myself and move them to retirement community. Rent is 3500 a month. Took house money and in savings. So thats all they have. Now Dad is totally non-compliant and has been for last 4 yrs. We get into arguments and now fights. He talks mean to me and doesn't like daughter telling him what to do or suggest. Mom is about sick of him too. But won't admit. Now I need to move them where rent is cheaper to conserve money and hire caregiver. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. Dad is on Hospice now due to heart. Mom still tries to be compliant with her Dr's. Im closer to Mom. She is my best friend. I've got depression an anxiety an dealing with it since 2014 I realized I had it. I have Fibromyalgia too. Lower back issues but Im not over weight. All my friends have disappeared. No life. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on my sons life. My husband and I don't have a great marriage and it was sorta that way b4 caregiving. He drinks. Not all time but when he does he binge drinks and is obnoxious. I can't stand it. Now sons recognize it and I think lost some respect in their father. My husband's Dad has late stage dementia, so he is going thru losing his father. My youngest has dyslexia an Dysgrahia so needs extra help on homework an keeping up with assignments. Older son is " lost" having issues with him. Now Dad and I can't even be in same room without one blowing up at the other. I know I have caregiver burnout. Now I have a sister. Older by 5 yrs. 1hr and 30min away in another state. Doesn't help that much or doesn't see the need to do all I do. I'm fr medical community and it's different outlook than an office job. And she moved out at 19 to get away fr parents. No relationship really with them. My Mom and I are close. Dad and I kinda use to be but not now. Now sister is suggesting moving parents to another city an state. The city sucks! Smaller than mine. We have excellent Dr's. Mom doesn't want to move there. Alot of crime. And my sister expects Mom to take bus to her appts. She can't remember all the stuff nor does she know what all she takes. Both have walkers. Both have secondary insurance. So sister has house available but needs some redoing inside so parents could live there. Rent would be $900 plus insurances etc..but switching all the Dr's (if they even have a pulmonologist), address issue with each thing. I need to write down everything I do. Sister thinks she won't be over there hardly. She works full time and just got remarried a yr ago. They go out partying and new husband hates it when she comes here once a month for mere 24 hrs to give me a break. I just don't think she will care for them right. Or blow up all time, which I do now but its because of stress now. She thinks it would help me. I don't know what to do. I want my life back but want parents taken care of.



This sounds like a bad idea to me. If I'm reading you right, your mother doesn't want to move there. And your sister seems to have unreasonable expectations of what your mother can do for herself, ad no real interest in taking care of them. This sounds like a disaster in the making.

Is there some way you could keep helping your mother while disengaging somewhat from your father? It sounds like his truculence is the biggest issue you're having with them. If he's on Hospice, moving them now sounds like a long-term and costly solution to what is more than likely a short-term (at this point) problem.

Whatever you decide, good luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to CarlaCB

You keep mom and send her dad.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I think your sister might think there is money in it for her and that is her sole motivation. You need help but, you know she is not it. Back off, if mom and dad are in a care home let them do their job. Visit but don't get sucked in by dad, when it gets ugly, you get gone. Maybe take mom out to garden or whatever they have for a nice mom/daughter visit. Your dad's not going to ever get better so you and mom need to find ways to spend time without him.

Best of luck with this trying journey. No guilt, because they helped you doesn't mean they own your life, guaranteed they got more out of spending time with your family then you did by them helping.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal