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I live in a small home. I'm a single mom who was married for many years to someone who was not interested in home life, and had anger issues. We divorced and when it was over I was finally at peace, as was my child.
Finally we were free of this terrible gloomy cloud and constant anger.
After a few years it was time for me to find someone new, and I did. I invited him to move in. He's sweet and kind and we love each other. And he is so caring and respectful of my child always considering her feelings.
My hope was that he and my child would get to know each other and grow close. But we needed some time to spend together, just the 3 of us. But a month after my fiance moved in -- dad also moved in.
Because he could no longer live with a family member and didn't want to be alone. This was the natural choice. And he asked if he could stay a few months, which we knew meant forever. He is very active. Very friendly. And while my ONLY requirement was to find something to do. Fast forward, it's been almost 9 months and he hasn't. At first he wanted to go with me EVERYWHERE, because that's what we did when he visited - but I can't do that all the time, I need space, and privacy. I feel like his resistance to live independently is detrimental to him, and all of us. I've told him it's unhealthy. Many, many times. He doesn't see it that way. He feels that this is normal to move in with a child, and there is nothing wrong here. I think it's just an old school mentality. I never want him to feel unwelcome, or unloved. But it is taking a toll on me, very much. I'm supposed to start a new chapter, I have a new man in my life - and there is no privacy. Not to mention I had to have about 100 talks with him to stop making rude comments about him. And the comments, seemed more about him being upset to not be in the spotlight more than anything.
I am not comfortable in my own home, and I work too darn hard for this to be the case. I am very strong, but this situation has me feeling so deflated and upset. I feel hopeless, and sad for all of us. And scared that each relationship in this house is taking a toll. I know I sound juvenile, but this situation is not healthy or fair to any of us, especially me. I already went through hell with my previous marriage and I just want to be able to start a new chapter. I don't know what to do. Honest talks don't help. Total freak outs just make me look crazy, which I am getting there. This man has NO interest in being his own person and having his own life. I see his and my relationship getting worse and worse. My fiance and I have no privacy so that's a terrible start to our life. My fiance and child's bonding process was disrupted.
We all love him, but I feel like this is a toxic situation. Please please please, any suggestions would be so appreciated. I am losing my mind. I am afraid that I'll be losing my relationships. I am losing my focus. I feel like I'm about to lose everything. I feel total burnout - and I am the breadwinner - that can't happen. Please any suggestions would be appreciated.

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Thanks for the reply, and the information about why his last arrangement fell down. Perhaps you should compare your feelings of Obligation and Guilt with father’s continual sniping at your fiance. That isn’t about a need for companionship, it’s jealousy and wanting to be ‘your number one’. Any new relationship would probably go the same way.

I do think that he could find his own new accommodation, but if you do feel Obligation you can help him along. Perhaps make an appointment to see an AL for lunch, take him out ‘shopping’ with you and go to the AL. Next time it’s a real shopping trip, so he never refuses to go. That puts some new information into a situation that has become repeat repeat repeat. Be clear that he is moving out, and this is one of the options. Keep up the good work with the screaming, and don’t worry if the wails eventually start!

Do this for the sake of your relationship with him, which will recover when this all stops. Otherwise you will lose your love for him and your feeling that he has been ‘a wonderful father’.
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Dear Seeking, I was impressed with your last post that recognised Dad’s tricks - “it was an act of manipulation - and I resent that so much”. Yes it was, quite possibly like his previous arrangement that broke down. Understanding that you have been taken for a sucker should give you some incentive to take the necessary steps to get him out, without FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) getting in the way. After he’s finished wailing ‘poor me’ and left, I hope that you may find it possible to forgive him – and if you don’t, it’s better than having him make you miserable for the rest of his life.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thank you. The previous arrangement was not ideal, but the family member passed, so that home became no longer available to him.
I have so much FOG it's truly unbearable. See, my father has always been a wonderful father. So I feel like I am letting him down when he needs me. And I do think emotionally, he needs someone, but it should be a wife, or a GF. Or friends. To fill his loneliness. He's not necessarily wailing poor me, he just has old world thinking that this is the right way. I've had to have a number of full on screaming sessions, which I am embarrassed to admit, but its true. I've lost it unfortunately. I think maybe we are making some progress, but surely if I stop screaming, it will all revert. And now I believe I am causing him to fall into depression, so the OG is amplified by 100000X's. I hate this situation.
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It does not sound like you can not say no...You allowed it...live with it or evict.
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You have become a surrogate wife for your father, in everything except the bedroom. He belittles your fella because he is jealous. He wants him out. This is not going to change by persuasion. Your father is perfectly capable of finding himself other accommodation, help is not what’s needed.

Perhaps you are being too ‘nice’. Next time he has a dig at your fella, throw a major hissy fit and tell him to shut up and get out. Your fella could usefully call him a stupid old git. Three flare ups in a week might finally get the message across that the party’s over.

If you have followed up on the ‘nice’ suggestions so far, and nothing has worked, you need to step back and look clear-eyed at your father’s behavior. It isn’t loving, it’s self-centered and it belittles you and your life. Get him out, and when he has made his own life, your love may come back again.

You haven’t replied to the comments about your fella perhaps also being a user – probably because it’s none of our business. But you might put off the wedding for a while and think about the situation when father is no longer the major problem.

Good luck!
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
The digs have caused full on meltdowns, many, which I am embarrassed to admit I've behaved that way - yelling, cursing, stating this is NOT acceptable for anyone. And now I think I've caused my dad to become depressed. That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to seek a good life, his own life.

Regarding the fiance, he's now husband - yes we did a quick elope. And that was done intentionally to address some of this, to ensure everyone knows their place. To make sure the fiance was not viewed as disposable or temporary so the digs would be rendered to have no effect.
Hubby does work. In our relationship there are important things that can't be addressed in our current situation and it has caused a great deal of strain. But I am the breadwinner, it's true. I made a good living -which this overall situation compromises, honestly, because I lost my clear mind. It makes me feel depressed that there is no a clear answer where everyone is happy. I don't want to hurt my father. And I am already hurting him by suggesting he's causing problems.
I'm scared that it's a matter of time, my marriage will fall apart b/c it's already suffering from not having privacy. My fella is who I've chosen. He's not a user. But he doesn't have the same earning capacity as I do. I'm in an executive position, and so grateful for that. Many men are intimidated by that. Unfortunately. But there is only so much I want to get into on a public post, so I'll just say lack of privacy has been detrimental.
The idea that I am viewed as a surrogate wife, I agree with you - and I can't stand it. Why why why why could this be? The jealousy, I resent it to the point it makes me fume. I've expressed that a number of times.
But my love it there, I don't stop loving, which is why I have terrible guilt. It's ruining my life right now.

Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.
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You are the breadwinner? As in the fiance is not contributing? I would take a serois look at that dynamic. He is living in your house, why isnt he contributing?
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I know this is the hardest for you to do because you love your Dad and don't want to cause hurt feelings or guilty ones. However, it's clear you know the answer.
Tell your Dad the "few months" needs to come to an end because this living situation isn't working for you. Explain that you will be looking into alternatives. Since Dad likes to do everything with you, you both can visit assisted living places together. Hopefully making this very important choice step by step together will ease the transition mentally, emotionally and physically - for both of you!
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You have become the surrogate wife to your dad. Hes looking to you for care and entertainment. You are responsible tho bc you took him in knowing it would be permanent. Can you move somewhere with a mother in law Suite? That way there is more space and he's not in your face from morn/night.
If not an option, and you don't have the backbone to get him to move out, you need to set some clear boundaries.
He needs to get some hobbies, friends, and interests that don't include you pronto. You can make lists with him. Get him to do it, not you. If you do it he won't care or be less interested.
Tell him the snide comments will stop immediately. This is your house and you make the rules. Your dad will have to get used to not being number one. You are number 1. It's your house.
How about send him to go get groceries. He can help the household. Send him to Walmart, or pick up dinner etc. Have him go get veggies at the farmers market if he can.
How about a date night where you & bf can go out if you can. He's not invited. You can bring him something back, but you have your relationship and he will live if he's alone.
Have a family night. Everyone contribute something, dinner, desert, the movie/game. Instead of resenting him, have a fun day or eve so it takes the stress off and you get to connect in a positive way instead of negative .
AND a night he goes out somewhere to give you some privacy. If he can with the coff and is able. Even if it's the day time or afternoon.

If he was active tell him he will use it or loose it, if he doesn't get moving. Then discuss a gym, swimming, joining a group on meetup.com. or a group on the internet, (I joined one and loved it) and chatted with people all over the world. Or have him call a friend. Set up a time you want privacy. He can have a nice chat checking in with a friend/family member. Tell him you need a peaceful house. And you will have it.
Maybe you and your bf can get an occasional hotel and get away too? Or take daughter and her friends out to dinner and get to know them if that's still an option where you live.
I used to see a big group of seniors who used to meet at McDonald's for brunch and catching up.
if there is none, get on craigslist, next door and get a group going from one of his interests. Did he do time in the military? Likes cars? Bowling, golf? Good luck.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
oh boy, "send him" is not an option... because he doesn't go anywhere without me. So we do one weekly trip, that's IT. He refuses to do a hobby as you mentioned, he won't do anything.
I love the idea of getting a hotel room w/ my man tho, that's very helpful. And taking my daughter out, yes, for sure!
We have limited senior groups around here. So that's a big womp womp. And COVID makes EVERYTHING worse!!! Double wammy.

thank you.
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Definitely time to put on your "big girl" panties! Have a sit down talk with Dad:
1. Reminding him that the move in was temporary.
2. You have started a new chapter in your life that is important for your happiness & well being.
3. Discuss options for assisted living or his own apartment.
4. Tour some AL's with him, highlight the benefits: folks his own age, activities, etc. Get some brochures.
5. Set a deadline for getting his own place and STICK to it!
Find your voice and stand up for yourself, you deserve to enjoy your life on your terms.
Best wishes.
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SeekingAdvic: My advice to you, albeit a tad harsh, is for your father to locate alternate living accommodations.
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First of all, YOUR prime responsibility is to YOU and your life - your father is old and has lived his life and expects you to do it all - don't do it no matter what he expects. You have a new chance at a future life with a wonderful man. That comes first above all. Face the fact that no matter what you say or do, your father is NOT going to listen - he wants to be in control and have it his way and that is not possible in your home. His presence is destroying you and your relationships. Either find him a caretaker to keep him away from you but I doubt this would work if he is in YOUR home. Therefore, he must be placed at once for his care so you can lead a normal life. You do NOT deserve this situation and before there is major explosion, you have to tell him it is over and he is NOT staying in YOUR home. This is an example of why parents should NOT move in with the kids.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thank you. I needed to hear that. It's true. And there have already been consequences, and future consequences can lead to me loosing what I've prayed for - a second chance at love.
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Seeker, the only way in which you sound juvenile is keeping on letting Daddy call the shots. A grown woman chooses who lives in a house that she owns herself. You may love him, but his behavior is NOT lovable. He certainly doesn’t take a hint! Here are some strategies to consider:

1) Why did his previous arrangement ( living with a different family member) break down? If they ran out of tolerance (or if that was part of it), ask them how it went. Then ask if one of those people could come with you to talk to Dad. You need reinforcements, particularly if part of Daddy’s ‘old school mentality‘, is that daughters /women do what they’re told. This is the least ‘official’ way to deal with things.

2) Arrange respite care for Daddy for a month. ‘Respite’ is for the caregiver, not for the person cared for. Facing the fact that you need respite, might make it clear that you are finding this all hard to cope with. Respite in a good AL (or SL) might show him that he could enjoy the company. And AL probably has links to a social worker who could put in a good word.

3) You haven’t mentioned money – what share of household expenses Dad is paying, and what funds he has for other options. He certainly should be paying a share of all outgoings including food, plus additional costs if there is no substantial mortgage in the outgoings. If you do the cooking, cleaning and washing, there’s a charge for that too. Don’t make this his cheapest option financially, as well as the company he prefers.

4) Dad is treating your house like a hotel. Find out the cost of a modest hotel’s full room and board, and that’s what he should pay. If it’s towards $1000 a week that he is faced with paying this, it changes the benefits of just sitting tight in your house.

5) If he still won’t go, like Grandma says, set a deadline. Yes, you can offer to help him find somewhere else, but don’t do all the legwork yourself. It’s his life, he needs to start being responsible for himself NOW.

6) If the deadline passes and he has still done nothing, pack up his things, leave them at the front door, and put a lock on his bedroom door. Or change the locks on the outside doors. Offer to drop him off at a hotel.

For any of these things to work, you have to get over wanting him to feel loved and wanted. He is NOT wanted in your house on the present terms. He IS loved, but he needs to act out loving you and your needs too. If you don’t toughen up a bit (a lot?), nothing will change – except that your new relationship will break down and you won’t “be able to start a new chapter”.

Best wishes, Margaret
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thank you. I appreciate it. What is AL and SL?
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Move the fiance out until he marries you.
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sp19690 Aug 2021
Biggest red flag with fiance is she is the bread winner. Is this guy
employed? If not sounds like a reflection of her father with this guy.
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Move fiance OUT until he is your HUSBAND. Help dad find a great apartment or senior independent living or assisted living facility (whatever his needs are) and get him into his own cute little apartment with lots of activities available to him. There are many nice independent living apartments with social activities and some provide meals. I think he would find friends and maybe even a love interest himself -- he's actually a hot commodity! Get married, include your daughter in your wedding ceremony -- and set a good example for her going forward.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2021
You personally may not approve of 'living in sin', but saying 'stop it' doesn't help OP much. However Daddy will just love it - just what he (not the doctor) ordered!
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Time for Dad to move out.

30 plus years ago I went on a trip with my Dad and my 3 year old son. 7 weeks in a foreign country, where we did have some family.

5 weeks into the trip I had not had a moment to myself. We were visiting a cousin and she could see my stress. She told Dad we were going shopping. He said, "I will just get my shoes and coat." She told him in no uncertain terms he was not invited. My son was napping, so no trouble.

The last week of the trip we were visiting an elderly Aunt. We would go to her home every day in the afternoon for a visit. Challenging with a 3 year old child, bit I loved her. Two days before we were to leave, she told Dad that the next day I was coming by myself, he could watch my son. He was put out, but Aunt Mildred recognized that I needed a break.

Your Dad is acting like an entitled child. You need to put boundaries in place. One could be, Dad the next time you bad mouth my honey, you can pack your bags. I will not stand for this behaviour in my home.
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I can see the build up of resentment. I would have a serious conversation with your dad and be upfront with him. Tell him you will help him get into a senior apartment, there may be a little wait time, but at least put him on the list. My cousin lives in a very nice clean complex and has many friends. They all look after one another. She loves it, they plan bingo, have cookouts, pot luck and other activities. Be firm but gentle and kind.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
That sounds so lovely! I wish that for him, I think he would have a really good time. thx!!
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Time to look for assisted living apartments near you. Dad needs to find more outlets for his social needs than just you, especially since he is rude about your living situation. Remind him that you agreed for him to stay for "a little while" and that "a little while has passed." Tell your dad that your place is just too small for everybody and that he would be happier with his own place. Tell him you love him and will help him move into a new place with a bunch of potentially nice neighbors to socialize with. Help him move, make it as positive as possible, and don't feel guilty.
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You don’t sound juvenile.
You sound like a strong woman who wants her life back.
Women always bend their lives around everyone else and they come last.
He's your Dad, but he sounds in good enough health, that he could live in an assisted living, with activities and buses to day trips and lunches.
Include him in visiting places.
Don’t let him manipulate you, because you’re family.
Be well and congrats on your new love~
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thanks. Actually, he would live completely on his own - he's really fine! But its what he wants and thinks that are the problem! YOu are right, women always bend... and it's sad because nobody seems to even know or care or understand how much we bend.
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You need to stop enabling your dad. He will only continue to live in your home and make rude comments about your fiance if you let him.

You are the one who wants to start a new life. You are the one who wants him to live on his own. Therefore, you are the one who needs to start finding senior living communities within his budget, narrow them down to 2 or 3 that will suit him, take him to tour them, and tell him he needs to pick one. Since he wants to go everywhere with you, you should have no trouble getting him to tour senior residences.

You need to tell your dad that he's already been there X amount of months, which is more than "a few", and it's time for him to start a new life for himself just as you are starting a new life for yourself with your daughter and fiance. You need to tell him that it's not up for discussion - you have made your decision about what's best for you - and he needs to respect your decision.
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Your first mistake was letting him move in. I don't know how old he is but read other posts with people whose parents live with them for 10, 20 or more years. Are you willing to live like that?

If this isn't what you want then you need to tell dad he has 30 days to find a place. No ifs and or buts. No discussion. This is how it has to be.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
very good points, thank you. you are right.
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You and your father should look into independent living apartments. He needs his own space with lots of people and activities. If he doesn’t want to do that, then explain to your father that this situation is unsustainable and not healthy for you or any of your relationships.

I had to do this with my uncle (my mom and my aunt were very close sisters, he and my aunt didn’t have children so me and my brothers filled that void for them) I should also say my parents, my aunt and my brothers are all deceased and I was their caregiver. I was working full time raising two sons and going through a divorce. It’s a miracle I still have a head on my shoulders!! And some days that is debatable. So, with my uncle (91 now), I waited until I was at my breaking point (not the best plan). I finally had to give him a date by which he was going to move out. It was rocky, very rocky, but he did get moved and he enjoys his new lifestyle. I visit him often and take care of his needs and it still makes me weary sometimes, but it’s better than his constant neediness and childish demands for my attention. He now understands that it was for the best; meaning he can only have me in his life if it works for both of us.

I am now seeing a therapist to sort through all the trauma and upheaval in my life in a relatively short period of time. I recommend counseling and looking into all resources available to you and your father. If your father is a vet contact your local veterans administration for resources and maybe an outlet for your father to get involved.

Wishing you relief and peace of mind.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
thanks so much for the great suggestions. we live in a crap area for fun places to live for anyone of any age, so that's the number one problem. The only living homes are for the totally decripit which he is not, so that's a big struggle!
Wow, so you cared for a lot of people and then your uncle... yes, that's a lot of work, a lot of stress - and a lot of great heart from you! Your story with the uncle is inspiring. It's so hard, but so necessary.
I have been seeing a therapist about this. He suggests the same, change the living situation.
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I applaud you for arriving where you are now. Your past has shown you what need - that respecting your needs is important.

I think saying No or saying Go to a parent is something well past our comfort zone 😬 well past how many people's family of origin trained us for. In fact, some have probably been actively trained to always obey (by being praised for being 'good' or 'unselfish' etc).

Personally I have benefited from an outsider's input and perspective (though counselling). With support I started learning to stand up for myself better.

It wasn't comfortable, but it is getting easier. I think the benefits include having more real relationships too. Being able to be yourself is worth it.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thank you so much. this is a HUGE struggle. YOu are right, being accommodation has been engraned into me, but accommodating at my own expense. I'm LOOOOSING IT! And it's really not right. I love all this input, it aligns with my therapists recommendations, my friends recommendations, my familys recommendations.... but how to get it done, UGH. If someone doesn't want to do something, they really do resist.
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Neither of them should’ve moved in with your daughter living there. Invite them both to find their own place and when boyfriend gets his dad situated and is ready to marry you, revisit his intentions.

30 day notice. Buhbye
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newbiewife Aug 2021
First, it's her dad, not the fiancee's dad. Second, times have changed a good deal and many, many people live together successfully before getting married, or perhaps never marrying.
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Your Father is not your husband and if your going to start a new chapter it’s time to make a boundary either a in law apartment or assisted living . You do not have to give up your life and happiness for a person who makes rude comments and belittles you in your home . Time to cut the apron string
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If a child is in your home, you will never have privacy with your boyfriend. So forget privacy. That is not going to happen.

Yeah I can see how your live-in boyfriend and father can clash, especially you and your boyfriend are not married and have a child involved. I'm not trying to sound judgmental but as an outsider that is what I think or believe. Since you clearly do not want your father there, he is going to have to move out.

Solution plan:
(1) Find him accommodations first at a price range he can afford. Perhaps local community services can give you help find a place or has recommendations based on your father's affordability. Assisted living, senior living place, all have socialization to meet new people. You can do this phase without his knowledge. This is the planning phase.

(2) Implementation: Tell your dad he has to move out. Be honest, and tell him you found a place he can afford and is great. Tell him he can visit anytime!

(3) Help him move.

I wish you luck
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Thanks. BF is now husband. My child works, so actually there is a decent amount of time that could be more private..... But alas, no.
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You sound really sweet and caring. The people in your life are really lucky to have you. I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I have had almost this exact experience and I promise you, nothing will change dad's behavior and if he is competing with your new partner for attention (sounds like he really loves the spotlight) it will probably cost you this relationship. You have a duty of love to help dad, I get that. But you also have a responsibility to yourself, your child, your partner, and the budding family that you are to give that family the chance to grow and be happy. You sound like you may be co-dependent and it will be therefore more difficult to set FIRM BOUNDARIES with dad. I think step one would be sit down with everyone together and make it clear that you guys are at a different point in your life, and that he needs to respect that. Step two would be to kick him out, and that will be hard emotionally, but it will take one or two days total to go tour a half dozen assisted living communities in your area and you will be armed with a lot of knowledge to share with him. If he doesn't want to live alone, that's perfectly understandable, but that doesn't mean he has to live with you guys. It was already a subtle act of manipulation to pretend to himself and to you that he was just gonna stay for a couple months. I hope you guys get the chance to be a new family and dad gets to the community he needs and will love.
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I don't believe I am co-dependent, I know I am actually very independent-my friends and family state that quite a bit. I DIY everything, and have a very assertive personality. Not saying that defensively, but I know I"m not co-dependent. But in this case, I am a total sucker - I have accommodated this dude for a long time and in doing so you can call me an enabler for allowing it to go on and on, the detriment of my own privacy and relationship. You are right, it was an act of manipulation - and I resent that so much. I thought there was a boundary, that I agreed to, and when there wasn't -it was all on me to be the bad guy and resolve the issue. I never expected to be in this situation. I never expected to feel so taken advantage of, and also so guilty because after all, aren't we supposed to "give back" which could be the old world thoughts or "giving back" as in raising my own, which I did. This post has been so helpful, thank you!
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Time for Dad to move to independent living! He don’t be alone, there’s lots of activities and he can make a life for himself while you regain your sanity and build a life with your new love. Before new love gets disenchanted with living with Dad and a frustrated YOU!
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SeekingAdvic Aug 2021
Agree, but why is IL SOOOOOOO $$$$$$$$ - looking it up, OMG wow!
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Find him a girlfriend. Preferably, one who likes to take care of people.
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Set boundaries with your father and don't let him blow through them. Let him know you love him, but his living with you is not working out. You have a life to live and you want him in it - just not 24 hours a day.

One of the boundaries should be to be civil and not rude to your fiance.

Give him a month to find new housing and be willing to help him. He needs to get his own life and not think your life is his life. He needs to find friends or acquaintances of his own. Maybe he can find an apartment in senior living, IL or AL depending on his needs.

Be prepared, he may take this badly and get mad but stand your ground as kindly as you can. Best of luck to your and your family.
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Find a nice Independent living if he can afford it or a 55 and up apartment. Both have activities for Seniors. He will meet people his own age.

Tell him what you said here. Sorry Dad you need to find a place of your own because I don't feel comfortable in my own home. With daughter going off to college its time for me. I want to work on my relationship with my BF. Can't do that when my Dad is around.
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I seem to have the image of a senior apartment, someone passes and is not discovered for a while, from either the smell, or body fluids dripping down to the apartment below (if not on the ground floor)
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DmcFQuinn Aug 2021
Good Lord! Really? This is not helpful!
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