Since a few years ago, my mom's memory has been declining (might be dementia but we don't have a diagnosis) but it took a particularly deep plunge during the pandemic, since we couldn't go out and had to just stay home without doing much. Our living arrangement isn't ideal since only my mom and I live together. My dad is planning on moving us back together sometime when finances are in better shape, but I'm not too sure when that will be. It sounds very dramatic but I'm tearing up writing this...I'm not sure how I can leave her to go to college. I've currently deferred to a school abroad and I'm supposed to be going in September of next year. The college education in my country just isn't for me, and I can't study the things I love. However, even leaving her to go out with my friend for the first time in 6+ months is a problem since she doesn't like being left alone, which I understand since there is no one here. But it just makes me wonder how I can leave to university for more than half a year at a time when even leaving for a few hours is difficult. I have nightmares about going places and leaving her behind, I have a lot of fears and developed some anxiety-like symptoms because of this, and my depression has become worse. I want to go to university and experience life like all my other friends, but I cannot imagine leaving my mom and I fear that me leaving would have a largely negative effect on her since my dad would be her caretaker and he has to work. He mentioned hiring someone, but finances are a problem at the moment. At the same time, I fear that if I continue to stay here, my mental health will worsen and I'll become bitter that I've been held back in life so early, which will also have a negative effect on her since she's the happiest when I'm also happy.
I'm only 19, but it feels like there's so much resting on my shoulders, and I'm not sure where my life is headed or what to do. Does anyone have any advice?