Hey everyone.
So my siblings and I have to decide to put my mom in a nursing home ( not really happy about nursing homes to begin with). But the apartment she was living in is being sold and she is being evicted due to no fault of her own (YES VERY SAD PEOPLE DO THIS) BUT she has to leave. At first we were thinking maybe getting help going to her BUT my mom is not that mobile like she was before she got covid. We were trying to get her in ASSISTED living but they denied her because of her mobility and she needs more care than AL. It was going to be paid from her SSDI because she was in a low income program and they help her AL. Otherwise it would not be our pick because they are veryyy expensive. So now my mom is still in rehab and we are trying to find a decent facility for her. I am doing reviews checking facilities out but not one quite yet that catches my eye. I AM SOOOOOOOO Nervous and scared that they are going to mistreat her. I want to so bad to take my mother in, but I cannot, I work full time and she needs lots of care! I LOVE my mom so much and my first priority is to make sure she gets good help and respect and safe and being taken care of and she will be happy!! THAT IS MY #1 THING right now. Once that is ok, I will sleep better, eat better, etc..... THEY said this is the hardest thing children go through with parents when they age and they need more help and decline in health. SO I have a question: is there a way that I can get more information on nursing facilities, such as reviews? I know I can check that on their website, but other ways such as citations, etc.? Also, is there any other prorgram for low income? Assisted living is way too expensive and she cannot get in there either beacuse of her mobility. She needs lots of attentive care. Next is home care and that we cannot do, so I guess nursing homes are the only way??????? And what should I be looking at when I check out nursing homes, etc.? THIS IS SOOOO HARD for myself and my siblings I just wish I could take care of her 24/7. It breaks my heart sometimes and I just burst out in tears BUT I have to think having 24/7 care is very important and she will be safe and thats all that matters to me!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH
LOOKING FORWARD to reading everyone replies!! :)
I wound up finding a wonderful SNF a few miles away that I went to visit in person, met with the administrator, saw the rooms, the dining room, the PT area, all of it, firsthand. THEN I got mom transferred from the hellhole into the nice SNF and she had a great experience there. I was planning to transfer her to this SNF from her Memory Care when she ran out of $$$ to private pay, but she passed away before it became necessary.
Definitely look at online reviews, but don't JUST base your decision on "Medicare reviews" alone. Had I looked at the people's reviews of the SNF I had chosen for mom that was so horrible, I'd have SEEN the 1 star ratings and realized what was going on BEFORE I sent her over there! So stump the pavement yourself, is my point. Speak to some of the residents who live there when you do go, to see what THEY have to say about life in the SNF. Speak to a few caregivers as well and nurses to find out how long they've been employed, which is a good indicator of how well the place is managed.
I know how hard this all is; I've had both my folks in Assisted Living (and IL before that) since 2014 and have had very good experiences for the most part. SNFs can be very good or very bad and everything in between, as life in general always IS. I wish you good luck and Godspeed finding a good fit for your mom. It will be up to YOU to visit often and be her advocate, too, which is of utmost importance whenever a loved one is living in ANY managed care residence.
Here is a link for Nursing Homes in your area.
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/results?searchType=NursingHome&page=1&city=Everett&state=MA&zipcode=&radius=25&sort=closest
You can also call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for all licensed facilities and any review sites they may have.
https://www.mves.org/
Medicaid is a State ran program so their may be state sites that offer you additional info. Area Agency would know these.
There are also bed and board care homes. Some of these are great but they are usually private pay (perhaps always private pay). Some of the ALFs know of them because when their patients decline to a point they can no longer manage their care, they will recommend them.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
You can tour places. Do so a various times of day.
Ask to have a meal in the same dining room used by residents.
As far as making the decision ask yourself these questions.
Can I care for mom myself?
If the answer to the first question is YES then ask this..
Can I SAFELY care for her?
If the answer is YES then ask this...
Where will the care take place? In my home or hers?
How much help will I need?
And the questions go on...with each question and answer there will be another that follows.
The bottom line is there is no easy answer.
The truth is she will continue to decline, care will get more difficult.
No matter where she is falls WILL happen, it is not a matter of IF but WHEN.
Everyone wants to care for a loved one at home bit it is not always practical, safe, possible...
The best thing you can do is based on the information you have and knowing your limitations make the best choice possible.
Deal with it one day at a time.
It IS so hard. It will NEVER be easy.
My brother and I went through it when he had to choose to try to stay home or go into ALF. I will never forget our conversations. The fact that for the first time in 77 years for me I felt frustration with him sometimes, and he did with me, and that was hardest of all. Those moments were so painful. This really isn't a choice. It is forced upon us and it changes everything.
Try not to solve this all on one day. Assess Mom. Do the best you can with care placement given her assets. Know you will never find perfect.
You won't even find "good enough".
I wish you the best. Mourning and grief and confusion is a part of this; don't try to lock it out. And approach things with honesty, with all the input you can get from experts.
And sharing in all honesty with you, at this time my anxiety sometimes rose to such a level that I HAD to have something to help me sleep, something to help me get on that airplane, something to help me deal with a day. When I went to my doc she didn't want to give me anything; she had for years bought my steel exterior that nothing got through. So desperate was I that I looked her in the eyes and said "I am not STUPID. It you cannot give me something, and if we cannot work together to control what I take and need, then I DO KNOW how to get drugs in this city, and I wouldn't stop at asking for 10 pills". That did it. We worked together. But I did need help. There were nights I would not have slept for my head whirling with the SAME STEW, the same endless hopeless stew with no good end.
I understand how desperate you feel. It won't be forever. Things will come into place, not to a perfection, but to an acceptance. In fact, consider that old AA acceptance prayer. I am an atheist, but I muttered it to myself over and over.
With that said I feel you should prepare yourself and change the way you feel about this. If you hold on to your feelings about her being happy then you will always feel guilty.
Also never solely go based off reviews, you must check the place out in person and go multiple times at different times. Get a feel for the place, look home clean it is, what does it smell like, observe how the staff interact with one other and patients, see how long it takes for staff to respond to requests for drinks, she how quickly the change someone etc . . .