It's never good enough. How do people deal with the disrespect and moral obligations?
I am a 43 year old single female, who works full time, drives a 3 hour round-trip commute to work, and who lives with my eldery parents that are in poor health. They eat bad and continue to order fast food, even when I cook healthy. They complain all the time about everything. They have no level of activity, and do not try to improve. They poor mouth life to everyone, and everyone else is the problem. I help them with so much and I continue to. I have no time or mental energy for a social life. My father still tries to take care of my bedbound mother, and they have a friend/nurse that tries to as well, but honestly, my parents are so pessimistic, passive aggressive, and ungrateful that she wants to quit. I have one sibling: a 53 year old sister, but she fills her 3 times a year quota, swooping in to "save the day", then just voices cares, prayers, and complaints from afar. Last month, both of my parents were in the hospital for a week, at the same time, for their poor health. I have been running in circles for them until I've collapsed from exhaustion and depression. For context, just in the last month I...cooked a big meal and cleaned for everyone (in-laws included) for Christmas by myself, had to search for a plumbing part and help our handy man neighbor fix the plumbing that messed up, made multiple hospital visits to see both of them and balanced going to work, cleaned several hoarder-like messes at the house made in the past few months by my father and nephew, then had to take off multiple days from work once they came home from the hospital to trade off care with the nurse, grocery shopped several times, picked up prescriptions, did laundry like always, cooked and prepped multiple meals for them, cleaned up my father's filthy van so I could take it for emissions, it failed so I got the part and did the mechanic work myself and had to drive for 2 hours to reset the computer, took it back for emissions to get the passed certificate, have done every tideous task they ask me or text me to do (even when I was sick from stress), helped my father off the toilet and back to his chair when he was having problems walking, and now I'm about to prepare them for an ice storm and be here with them if that happens. Extra note: My 18 year old nephew stays here every weekend, every school break, and summer. He has never worked, he uses them for their money, and is a complete slob. I even do our yardwork and keep our small engine equipment working. He doesn't help with that. You can't say anything to him though because my misogynistic father protects him and it gets ugly. Anyhow, the other night my mother pushed me to my limits at 9pm at night when I had been gone at work all day. I got an attitude, my father yells at me, and when I said, "Think of how much I do for you, especially lately", my father rudely said, "Ugh...you only cooked for us twice." (as if his false shortage of meals just erased everything else I have done and do)..................I thought I was going to explode. He does not have any cognitive decline or memory disorders. He's just hateful like his mother was and nothing is ever enough. In the midst of the argument, my mother also told me that my nephew doesn't have to help out because "He doesn't live here." Um, no mother, he basically does. I went into my room and into a full blown anxiety attack and my heart was bouncing all over the place. I fell down crying and shaking. Sadness craves sadness, and they want me as broken, sick, hateful, and miserable as they are. To them, I do not deserve my own life, happiness, or peace. I will never meet their astronomical expectations. It hurts my heart, and I wish I could afford to move out soon. They continue to paint me as the villain every day. I truly don't see how other people calmly, and lovingly do this.
You owe your parents nothing. As in nothing.
And move out, and quit using the excuse that you can't afford it. If you truly wanted out of the situation you would make a way come hell or high water. Even if you just have to rent a room in someone's house or couch surf with friends until you find a place of your own.
You will never have a true life of your own until you remove yourself from your parents home and from being their slave.
Your parents made their bed and now they're lying in it, but that doesn't mean that you have to lie in it with them, so get the heck out of dodge and learn from your sister how to just be 3 X a year visitor.
You can do it...if you really want to.
You have your own income from your job, so you can afford to move out. Are you using it to pay for them? Stop doing that. It's your money, not theirs. They had their lifetimes to save money. They have their house they can sell, or they can tap into its equity. They are giving money to your nephew, so they have money to spare.
Look online for an inexpensive airbnb room. Or ask a friend or work colleague if you can stay with them for a week. Then ask another. Contact your local women's shelter if necessary. (They'll be busy with extra people because of the storm this weekend, but after the clears up you can talk with them.)
They won't starve since they know how to order their fast food. Groceries can be ordered and delivered, from their local grocery stores, Walmart, Target, and Amazon. Prescriptions can be ordered online and delivered. In fact, that's what insurance companies and Medicare prefer.
They can hire people to clean their house, or they can live in a hoard. They can hire someone to do their yard work. Your father can take his own van to be inspected and repaired. Or they can have your nephew do these things. They don't need to right now because they have you voluntarily enslaved. You don't HAVE to do any of this. Again, they have money for fast food and to give your nephew and to buy junk to hoard, so they can spend it instead on these needs.
They can PAY their nurse friend for the help she is providing, at full market wages. Or she can quit also and they can contact Medicare or a home-health agency to provide the care. Have they even looked into what Medicare and their supplementals will provide, or have they just chosen to mooch off of you and the nurse friend?
So, today is Friday. Spend the week making your plan of escape, packing, and tidying up loose ends. When your nephew arrives next weekend, say goodbye and leave him in charge. Permanently. Don't answer their phone calls. Let them go to voicemail. Call 911 for any true emergency. Otherwise, let them do what they would have to do if you lived far away like your sister.
Oh, and when you look for the housing, get it near your work so you don't have to do this long commute. Spend the evenings and weekends RESTING for a while. Then start gradually adding the activities and social life that you can and should be enjoying as a normal, healthy 43-year-old single woman. Doesn't that sound nice? You DESERVE it. Choose it for yourself. Let us know how it goes.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
Nothing will change until you make the first moves. Are you not in a position to move out and rent somewhere? If not that should be your priority to save to do so, give yourself a target in time and financial terms. Ask for help, there must be organisations who at least can give you advice, financially, emotionally and for people who are being abused.
30% of carers DIE before the people they are caring for. Please don't be one of the 30%.
You are the only one who can fix your situation.
Your sister is showing you what a healthy relationship with parents who refuse to help themselves looks like. In fact three times a year is a lot, from my perspective. Move out. Save yourself.
I will beg to differ on this. Loss of empathy for others is actually one of the personality changes that comes with dementia. Even if he was somewhat unempathetic prior, it gets worse with dementia. In other words, he will NEVER become more grateful.
" ...they want me as broken, sick, hateful, and miserable as they are. To them, I do not deserve my own life, happiness, or peace. I will never meet their astronomical expectations. It hurts my heart..."
We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose our boundaries with them. You are under NO obligation to be their aging care solution. They had their entire lives to figure this out and decided to be lazy and selfish and just ASSUME you into that role, and you were the frog in the pot being slowly boiled.
The solution "says easy but does hard". This means responders will probably all suggest that you move out, but extricating yourself fully and cleanly won't be an overnight process and you will need to deal with family rage and your unjustified guilt burden. You have nothing to feel guilty or burdened about. You are your priority, not them. There are other solutions for them -- they just won't like them but that's too bad. Not your problem (and don't say it is. It is not).
Your Mom being bedbound means she may qualify for LTC in a facility and hence Medicaid. Your Dad can pay for in-home aids for himself, or your Mom if she doesn't go to a facility.
If you are not the PoA or legal guardian for either of your parents, guess what? You have no real power here. You can't force them to do anything even if you did have legal authority. Please provide this information so you can get the most appropriate advice.
If I were you, I would start looking for another place to live. I did read that you can't afford to move out -- but can you afford to stay? Can you pay the price that burnout will charge? No. Call in social services for their county and start asking questions about in-home help for them. When they start yammering about "having strangers come into the house" just literally ignore anything they say to you that is wrong, hurtful, manipulative, etc. Or, you silently walk away and go into your room and lock the door and come back out when you feel like it. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior: you literally ignore it (and keep ignoring it) as if they never said it. You blithely change the subject to something neutral and completely unrelated. It works if you do this consistently. I've done it to my MIL. It works.
You need to identify and defend healthy boundaries. Maybe seek some therapy to do this. Yes therapy costs money but so does car repairs put we suck it up and pay for those, don't we? Your boundaries are for you to defend because your history of being a care slave and pushover means they will start battering your main gate to break it down. If you defend consistently they will become confused and exhausted and give up. You will win. But still, you need to move out.
Maybe as you are strategizing your move-out, you can announce that you will stop shopping and cooking for anyone except yourself. You won't clean any part of the house except the areas you alone use. You won't do anyone else's laundry, or manage or pay for repairs. If they ask why you tell them because you no longer want to do it. Just NO. If you give them reasons they will start negotiating with you and you'll lose ground. No is a complete sentence. Yes, it will be messy and chaotic but there is a goal to this plan.
You can't keep the nephew out since it's not your house but don't feed him or do anything for him. Make your bedroom your sanctuary and stay in there or go to a coffee shop so they physically can't ask you to help. Screen their calls and let them go to voicemail. If they ask, "Who's going to cook dinner tonight?" You shrug your shoulders and say, "I dunno. I told you I wasn't going to do it.
You are not responsible for your parent's happiness. You cannot make resistant adults do things in their own best interests or be grateful to you. The only answer is to literally remove yourself from the situation mentally, emotionally and physically (and financially). Your sister won't like it either, but she gets the same treatment you are preparing for your parents: silence. She can "swoop in" and dare be the next solution. Then they will become her "problem".
May you receive clarity and peace in your heart as you do some hard things that will create lasting benefits for you.
It appears you never learned how to set and keep healthy boundaries. If you can't afford a therapist, search online for 'how to set healthy boundaries' - there are lots of great free resources.
You DO deserve your own life, happiness, and peace, but this only happens when you learn to set healthy boundaries. This will help you in ALL aspects of your life, and people will respect you more.
Some of us were lucky and born into families that respect each other. Others had to set boundaries or completely disassociate with their toxic families and create a better life without them.
People can't take advantage of you without your permission. Remember, "no" is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain yourself when you say no. In fact, it's better if you don't explain yourself, because it just gives manipulators ammunition to further bully you.
Please do online research on "FOG fear obligation guilt", because once you start to set boundaries, the people you've been helping will try to guilt trip you back into being a doormat. Here's a helpful link: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
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