Over 15 years ago my mother moved in with me until she got back on her feet. Time went by and she still lives with me. We don’t have a good relationship to begin with. Since she’s moved with me it’s gotten worse - she fights constantly with me. She yells top of her lungs , argues and bickers about many things and using abusive language. She is also always saying she’s not happy here with me and says it’s not her home. Now she had arguments with my husband too, she is affecting me,my life and is frustrating. It’s a position many people don’t want to be in the middle of their mother & husband or wife. But most of all mother argues and fights with me and try’s to walk all over me. Am tired of it, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t even be nor feel comfortable in my own home. She does not pay money for rent or anything, I been ok with that. However just because she is my mother it does not right for her to behave this way. I need my space & privacy. I should of had a serious conversation with years ago about her yelling etc. I finally decided to have a serious conversation with her and in her best interest for her health & well being told here she needed to find her own place to live and move out. It’s been tough and I need help and guidance to help her find a Place to live. It’s been 4 months since I talked to her and she still has not moved out. This is too much. Now that I told her to move out the situation at home is more uncomfortable and definitely she is holding a grudge with me. Any resources or contacts to housing would be appreciated? Thanks so much
- are you her durable PoA? If not, is anyone?
- has she had an actual medical diagnosis of dementia or ALZ?
Diagnosis is important because: 1) it helps you know how/if to interact with her on certain things; 2) it may trigger the legal authority of her assigned PoA, and 3) it will help you focus on what TYPE of residential care she may require (IL, AL or MC).
If you can provide answers to these questions, it will give context to your inquiry. If your mother has never created her legal documents (PoA, Living Will, Last Will etc). and you don't know her financial means, then this is a separate issue that needs addressing. If she has no assigned PoA and does not wish to move out voluntarily and has no medically recorded diagnosis of cognitive impairment, then you may need to go through an eviction process to legally force her out. Your house is her residence.
You should not feel at all guilty about putting you and your family first. This is the correct priority. Your mom had her whole life to plan and prepare for her retirement years. You have already helped her quite a bit and should feel satisfied with this fact. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you move this change forward.
It’s actually a good start to go online, Google “senior housing” “assisted living” “independent living”- and take a look at the pictures and reviews that come up near you.
After you’ve found a few that seem to represent your sense of what might work, call and make an appointment. If you happen to live near a Covid hotspot, you may not be invited to visit in person, but you MAY be presented with a deal. The very high quality AL where my LO lives is now offering a free month!s rent AND a free month’s medications fee for those who are enrolling in this month.
Please stop expecting your mother to have a reasonable, rational relationship with you. Whether she was there when she temporarily moved in 15 years ago or didn’t, she’s CERTAINLY NOT THERE NOW.
Once YOU begin to search for a safe, pleasant, comfortable place for her to live, you will feel a rush of personal peace and empowerment.
And know what - YOU DESERVE PEACE AND EMPOWERMENT. You’ve done YOUR BEST for 15 years. Now it’s time to do what’s best FOR YOU and for her.
Next, sit with Mom and have her pick three.
Then, drive her to her choice for an in-person tour at each. Remind her that she must pick a choice. By a certain date.
Schedule a move-in date.
Get her to sign a lease.
Get her furniture moved on that date. Especially her bedroom set. If she has to buy some more furniture, get her to a furniture store and get that order in to happen on the day after the move.
Move her other belongings into the new place.
Get the nicest person in your family to drive her over.
Breathe a sigh of relief.
This is how we accomplished my mother's move.