It’s been a week since I’ve spoke to my mom. My brother put her in a home and won’t tell anyone where she is or even give us a phone number. Any advice?

Here is the newest post

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/do-i-give-up-479527.htm

This is an old post. The OP does now know where mother is. There are updates in responses below.

VAL, your update is sort of buried in the responses below.

You say that you've spoken to your mom 4 times since she's been in this "home". How long has she been there?

How does she sound? Is she happy, confused, upset?

If she doesn't sound good, I would contact APS again and tell them that you are concerned about her well-being, and that the owner of the home is not accepting your calls.

I would also contact the Ombudsman for that area of her State and report the isolation.

The local Area Agency on Aging might be a resource as well.

As M is 103, B might be of an age to be suffering dementia himself. Is there a chance to talk to Sonia (SIL?) with support rather than criticism? “She’s just doing what Gary, my bro, tells her to do” sounds like she may have a few problems herself.

It sounds as though M may be in an unlicensed private home. “Private home, husband wife and son and 2 residents”, one of whom is M? Could you find her through the licensing system?

It’s difficult, because the more you try to contact M, the more ‘harassment incidents’ B has to allege against you. Perhaps a chat to the police?

Ty guys. I’m giving everything Uv said a lot of thought and at this time that is very hard since he,my bro, keeps the road blocks coming. Let me say this…this bro and I have always gotten along very well untill the last few months. I have asked over and over what is the problem but I don’t ever get an answer. Maybe if I did I could try to fix it…apologize or explain myself Today I gave that up and said this isn’t about either of us for moms health this needs to be put aside. Just like when she was staying at his house he has me blocked not only on his personal phone but at the home he took mom too. This is a private home,husband wife and son and 2 residents. I’m not the only person that has been cut off. Her long time friend also has been and the wife,Sonia, told her she’s just doing what Gary,my bro, tells her to do. My moms sister is also blocked on their phone for no apparent reason. In his update chat room he posted that I am blocked because I had called 20 times from several different numbers and then went to friends and relatives screaming isolation and how bad she’s being treated and he and Sonia got phone calls from one of them being cursed at. None of this is true. I’ve never called even 5 times. Matter of fact I’ve only gotten to speak to my mom twice since getting the number to this place after waiting for almost 3 weeks I called on Christmas Eve and Sonia answered it was nearly 5:30 thier time. She said mom was eating I asked to please have her call me when she finished. She said she usually goes to be when done. At 6:00?? I said please I want to wish my mom a merry Christmas knowing that this probably would be the last merry Christmas I’d ever give her. Sonia never had her call and now he’s openly said I’ve been blocked at that number he blames me for every problem that comes up and I’m 1100 miles away plus can’t speak to my mom. How can I be the core of any problems? I’m so depressed that I can barely function knowing there’s a huge chance I’ll never hear moms voice again. I just don’t know what to do

Valpar, thank you so much for your update and I am so glad and relieved that you now know where your Mom is at, that she is placed and that she is safe.
I do not know how far removed you are from where your Mom, and brother-- who is acting for her-- live, but it does sound as though your brother is now her POA. As you do not communicate with him you may be unaware of all the reasons for placement needs, and all the facts. If this is the case he is now what we call "The Lion at the gate" meaning that you will have to get by him in order to visit, communicate, and have updates with your Mother. And that, really, is the goal, I would think.
I would try as hard as you are able to heal any breach with your bro, and would offer him support and help, beg for updates and visitation for your Mom. The best thing you can give your Mom in this last difficult time in her life is a united progeny dedicated to her comfort and well being. Tell your brother that you are perfectly willing to speak to your Mom monitored or visit in his presence. This will reassure him that your actions, or what you say, won't cause her distress.
I understand you don't like him, and there is likely some water running under the bridge with a difficult past relationship with him, but I would do all you can to get along, as there honestly is no other answer unless you want a guardianship fight which if fought would run at LEAST 10K, and which he would likely win, being the sibling who has lived near your Mom all this long time. Sometimes in those situations judges will take guardianship from both siblings and will appoint a court mandated Fiduciary; they, like us, aren't Solomon and cannot guess at who is "right" in a right-fight.
I sure wish you luck, but the thing I wish most now is for peace for your Mother in this last time for her life. I hope you'll continue to update us on your journey and again, thanks so much for updating us; so few come back to tell us where they are in their journies.

Perhaps file a missing person's report with the police regarding a "Silver Alert." Call 911 to discuss potential Elder Abuse?

https://ovc.ojp.gov/program/elder-fraud-abuse/overview

Valpar PMd me in answer to my question

"im sorry I didn’t exactly say that right. What I meant was she has no cell phone to be able to track her. When I spoke to her she had been calling me from her home phone. One of the few people in America who still has a home land line. He listened in on all our calls so he knew how upset she was so lied telling her they were going shopping to get her in the car. So dispicable"

So my suggestion would not work. Your brother needs to realize that POA, if he has it, does not mean he has to physically care for Mom. Why he would not allow you to care for her is weird. If he returns her to her house, thats when you go get her. No hesitation this time.

You may have to get some friends to help u make calls to every NH in Vegas. You do not ask if she is there. You ask for her room#. Then they will say, sorry no one here by that name. Or, they will put u thru or tell you she is not allowed calls.

As said, you call the police again. Tell them not to take brothers wird Mom is OK, they must see her. They also can ask to see a POA allowing him to make decisions for her if she can't. I would call APS too. They maybe able to get brother to say where Mom is.

"Because my mom is not welcome at my brothers…I don’t know the whys to this…he had to move with her to her house. This means the gf at one house and him at another house. When I was out there caring for her a couple months ago he text me and told me he couldn’t care for her mentally emotionally or physically so I see this as him dumping his responsibility’s onto someone else once again to be able to go home to his gf. A very selfish move at her expense"

Valpar, your brother, even as POA does not owe your mom his life. I assume if she's 103 he is in his 70s?

Have you filed a missing persons report with the police?

"She called me the day he took her there…Supposably…scare to death"

In your response to me you said she had no phone, how did she call you? I guess you have no caller ID? Call your phone provider. Ask if you can get the phone number made to your phone on the day Mom called. They also may be able to tell you where the call originated from.

I have read some of the responses and it seems that welfare checks are not working. Its time to get desperate. Its time to lie. Call your brother, tell him you have something of mothers and you want to return it. It can be a broach, a letter from her husband, anything. Then let him know that you want to make sure mom gets it. It could be valuable or not your not sure. This way you can ask him if he is POA and find out about mom. You will need to act put on that actor that is inside you. I did this when my adoptive daughters biological mother took her. I lied about having something she wanted and I found out where she was, paid for her to come back and bam! I got her back and never let her out of my sight again. You just need to have it in you to make up what ever you need to. Good Luck

Ty all for your responses. I can’t tell u how much they help me in the decision process as to what I need to do since my family won’t help me knowing that would put them on my bros bad side and they will get ousted like I have been I have had a wellness check done at her house…cops said no suspicious activity…and at his house where they did speak to him. He told them he would be reaching out with info soon. That was 3 days ago and no info yet. The police didn’t make him tell them where she is so they could go there to check. They really didn’t do anything they should have I had hoped they would have info for her family. He had said she needed to go to a home because he was going on vacay,such a selfish move, obviously he lied again after she told him she did not want to go there he told her they were going shopping then he said they were going to his house just to get her into the car his goal was to be able to return to his gf and their big house which mom isn’t welcome at. He created a update chat room which I will include here and flat out said no to giving a number to reach her. I do want to go “rescue” her, Vegas has over 120 elderly care places I don’t have one clue where to start. I also live on ssi so the cost of flying there then a place to stay while I’m there would be more then I can afford breaks my heart to say that cuz I feel like I’m letting her down. I feel like he’s up to something and I’m scared. I keep seeing him walking away from the place she is at and her crying watching him leave knowing now she is unable to go home or be with her family and scared cuz she knows no one there

I thought I could upload his chat but not sure how

Valpar, since your prior post in September until this new post... what actions have you taken on behalf of your Mom?

If you are not sure if he is PoA and he won't show you the document, your recourse is to have an elder law attorney send him a letter asking to provide the proof or else it will be pursued in court and he will be forced by a judge to provide the proof of PoA.

There is a lot of background information in this posting by Valpar which may help in understanding what is going on within the family.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-brother-wont-let-me-speak-to-my-mom-i-m-going-to-need-an-elderly-law-attorney-to-help-im-on-a-fix-476991.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-brother-moved-my-mom-into-a-home-but-will-not-tell-me-which-one-how-can-i-go-about-finding-her-478560.htm

I know its only been a few days since your last posts but have you tried any of the suggestions given in the last post. I really don't know how much more we can help? You definitely will need to go there if you can't track her down from the phone.

So sorry ur going thru this.

Do you know her cell provider? Maybe they can pinpoint where her call came from. That would narrow down the area. If she had a landline in her room, do a reverse look up. It also may tell you where the call came from. The phone is not under her name, its under the facilities.

Whoa.

Sometimes I think it requires 'boots on the ground' to see for yourself what is happening. You were planning to fly out anyway--take time to do that now and talk to your brother and demand to see the papers naming him POA. Just SAYING you are doesn't make it so.

AT 103, you are up against a clock.

While you are planning your visit, do call the local police and give them all the information you have about gma. Possibly a call to APS also--don't know.

She may well be in a facility now and brother is just being a jerk. My YB would routinely ignore calls and texts for literally WEEKS---b/c he just wanted to have total control over mom. Drove me nuts. (Still does, he doesn't answer texts any better than he used to, but at least, since mom has passed, it's not crucial that I talk to him.) Some people are like that--they take POA to mean "I'm in charge of you now" and do it in a very oppressive way.

Good Luck! Did gma have any neighbors she knew who might tell you what they saw going on? I hate to see elders being confined, physically or emotionally and that goes on all the time.

Bless you in this challenging situation!

Valpar,
Def go to the town your mother lives in and your brother and call the police or do so from long distance, if need be. Explain the situation and ask for their help.
You may need to be present to obtain the info if he does indeed have POA.
Move on this before all of her assets are gone. She's likely waiting for you to rescue her and it doesn't mean you have to change her situation, but you most assuredly need to know where your mother is.
You can also report this to the state agencies for the aged and or the vulnerable adult emergency line.
You may have to take this to court...

Info from your profile:

"My mom with dementia is in my brothers care who I don’t get along with. The only way to talk to her is to call his phone then she can call back but he never tells her I called. She just thinks I don’t care anymore. I want to take legal action so I can speak to my elderly mother before she passes. What r my options if any?"

Your profile states "Vesta" is 103 years old.

So your Mother has dementia and at 103 requires a lot of care, probably more than what your brother is able/willing to give her. At 103 she likely has memory issues, so things she tells you may not be accurate. Dementia means she may not be interpreting your brother's actions on her behalf accurately, either. I have 2 Aunts: 100 and 103 years old and I can personally vouch for how much hands-on care they require in their home.

Is your brother the PoA for your Mom? If so, offer to help him rather than fight against his decision-making. If he sold her car it is to pay for the facility care. He will probably be selling other things of hers as well. If she requires Medicaid then if she owns a house it will have a lien on it so that the state can recoup the money for her care after she passes.

There is a lot you don't know about this situation, and I'm sorry that it's causing you so much distress. I guarantee you would not be able to take care of a 103-yr old elder by yourself and with not enough financial resources.

You may want to consider traveling to where they are to show her love and offer support and to see for yourself what is actually going on. Then (and only then) will you be able to decide if this is an abuse/criminal matter and then you can engage the local authorities (like APS, and elder law attorney for her state). Unless your brother is physically abusing her or threatening her, the police are not involved in this type of issue. I wish you all the best as your sort through it all.

I'd call the police, frankly, and report your brother for taking advantage of a vulnerable adult. This sounds really sketchy. Ask them to pay your brother a visit and account for not only Mom's whereabouts but also prove his right to be disposing of her things and for moving her against her will.

Call Adult Protective Services, too, but they'd need to know where she is to do anything.