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What do we do with her when she comes over for dinner. She always gets our backs up. She repeats that she is crazy over and over again and expects an answer. There is no deflecting anymore. I know I can't handle her but it is my husbands birthday tomorrow and we have to have her over. How can we not cause a fight? She is getting worse. I am not sure how people can handle dementia parents living with them I can't deal with her for half an hour. She demands we take her on trips which she can't go on. She will not admit she is unable to travel. She also thinks that if she can't go we can't go anywhere. She can't travel do to the fact she can't get insurance and has a doctor's note on file. She is in denial and thinks the doctor is crazy. She thinks everybody owes her and that they should do what she wants.

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Thanks everybody for the answers. we did have her over she does not stay more than 2-3 hours. Today she was not too bad. I know part of the problem is us and we do not know what to say to her. We are on edge while she is visiting. It is great to have a place to ask questions and see that others are dealing with these things as well. I do not visit my MIL more than once a week sometimes less. I stayed mostly in the kitchen just popped out once in a while. Thank goodness she did not push traveling it is a very sticky subject. She figures if she can't go we can't go either and has come out and said it.
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Reply to helpwithmil
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Dear Help,

Honestly I don’t think she would enjoy being there as her situation and discontent aren’t likely to improve depending on the location.

I think it is time to go back to the question of why do you have her come for dinner? If the answer is because you love her and want to include her, then loving her means trying to do what is best for her, and your family. When a person reaches the different stages of dementia they don’t enjoy family reunions like someone with a healthy mind would. Many times those situations upset them.

I completely agree that she is part of the family and always will be, the only thing you need to adjust is how you include her. Do it in a way that she is more relaxed and comfortable, as well as your family.
I’d suggest that you talked to your husband, and explained this to him; I think since it is his birthday, instead of having her over for dinner he could go visit her earlier and maybe took her out for lunch, only him and her. That I believe would be much more enjoyable for both of them as she would feel he is focusing fully on her and he would not have the pressure of the family. As it refers to the rest of the family, always make time to go visit her, spend quality time with her in a calmed environment.

And lastly, as far as her requests and complains, just go with the flow, there is absolutely no point in arguing with someone with dementia. Don’t feel upset of offended, like JoAnn said, her brain is not working properly, you cannot hold her illness against her. I think your entire family needs to get informed about dementia so you all can adjust your thinking, feelings and approach towards your MIl.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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Reply to Rosses003
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Where is MIL living? If in facility visit with her there, then you can leave on your time table and enjoy hubby's birthday after.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Just saw Joann's answer and I also wonder if she has to come. Is she aware it is her son's birthday?
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Reply to golden23
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Hi helpwithmil. If your mil has Alzheimer's she cannot reason. Have you watched the videos by Teepa Snow. People dealing with Alz find them useful. More info about her health and her situation would be helpful.

Just because she thinks everyone owes her does not mean they do. My mother was like that. I had to say no and expect her to be upset and work on not letting it get to me.

On repeating she is crazy and expecting an answer -you might try to find some somewhat neutral phrases of agreement with her like, "You don't seem quite yourself these days," or reflect the question back to her and ask her what she thinks. I wonder if she knows something is wrong with her and is having trouble accepting it. Has her doctor prescribed anything for her anxiety?
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Reply to golden23
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I am assuming this is a MIL that's why its important to have her ar DHs BD party. If she is getting worse, then maybe you shouldn't include her anymore. My Mom didn't last more than an hour and wanted to go "home". She couldn't enjoy anthing anymore.

Your MIL's brain is dying. You no longer can reason with her. She can no longer process or concentrate. She will get stuck in a loop repeating the same thing over and over. I think its nice you have her for dinner but it maybe better you don't. Her AL should have holiday meals there you can join in on. Usually before the actual holiday. Then u cN enjoy the holiday. Taking Mom out of her normal routine will cause confusion. If your dinners are around 5/6 she could be sundowning.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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