I’ve been worried about him for six months. Been to doctors, counseling, next to memory testing. He is 85 in good physical shape. He needs no help with daily chores, drives and goes to the gym with me. But his decision making and memory have taken a plunge this last year. I am 77 and in good health so I can take care of bills, appointments and daily life. As long as things are “normal” I can handle his forgetting. But I am trying to stay ahead of things. I took care of my parents so I’ve been here before. But don’t know how fast this will develop without a diagnosis. I have power of attorney and we can afford help in the house. Just me coping. Thanks
But with driving - being able to make decisions is key. Left turn, right turn, how fast does he react? or does he get in the middle of a lane and just stop because the task at the moment is beyond him? Memory - last week he could drive to a friend's house. This week he gets lost on the same streets and ends up dead in a canal. It happens all the time in Florida. Two people I knew well (and in separate instances) ended up on I-95 and drove and drove until they figured out how to get off in other towns 90 miles away. A minor accident, police, and peeing in a guardhouse at a condo were involved.
"But he was okay yesterday!" He probably wasn't, the families just wanted to believe he was.
I wish you luck, but always look ahead to the worst thing that could happen because it probably will, eventually. (signed "Wife of Dementia Patient Who Has Seen It All, Including With Parents)
Your husband should not be driving until he's properly diagnosed by a neurologist.
If he's not yet been given a cognitive/memory test, then the neurologist was out of line saying his issues were just age related.
Physically, folks with dementia are normally fine. It's mentally where they struggle.
You don't know how fast this will develop even with a diagnosis because dementia is very unpredictable. My mother was diagnosed at 88 but was showing signs of dementia long before then. She lived to 95 and died with advanced dementia and congestive heart failure in Memory Care Assisted Living back in 2022.
Get the ball rolling right away for cognitive testing and stop your husband from driving now. Nothing will ever be normal again if he kills someone on the road...it can happen in one moment. Reflexes are compromised with cognitive decline.
Good luck.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Does your husband see his own symptoms? Sometimes people with dementia have a psychological "blindness" to it. I don't think you'll be able to know the speed at which he changes unless his medical team can determine if he has dementia and if so, which kind. My Aunt had undiagnosed dementia and we could clearly see her symptoms daily when she was 89 (which means she already was at a moderate level of impairment) and she lived to be almost 101.
I would be talking to your financial advisor so that there aren't any surprises. Make sure you know all the assets and investments and have legal access to them now.
May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
I am definitely in favor of diagnosis if possible, but wanted to add that even then, there will likely not be a definite timeline for how fast it will develop. It all seems very individual in my experience.
I recommend that you keep a close eye on finances, if this is an area where he has traditionally taken the lead. Make sure you know how all the bills are paid, and that you know about all the bank and retirement accounts, credit cards, Social Security payments, any pensions, home, car, and any other type of insurance, Medicare, taxes. Ideally, you are already named as his beneficiary. I hope you can log in on these accounts, in case he either forgets how or worse— starts making mistakes, like my dad did before he was diagnosed. Lastly, the mail. Make sure you see it. My dad hid or threw away important mail.
best wishes.
You are smart to be looking ahead, but I'm very sorry that you need to.