Why do I feel so isolated from my family, friends, and life caring for my mom? - AgingCare.com

Why do I feel so isolated from my family, friends, and life caring for my mom?

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I have been caretaking for my mom now and my dad before he died of cancer 5 years ago. after my dad passed i moved in with my mom because she was lonely and needed help to stay in her home.
its been 5 years now. I have no life, no help and feel like i am losing my mind. I get very upset when my sister refuses to give me a break. she says mom wont stay at her house..and she cant stay here. i also caretake for my special needs 21 yo daughter..my sister wants my girl to go to a group home because she stresses out mom sometimes. I'm supposed to choose between the two. not an option.
my brother came out from the midwest but is ready to go back because of the stress.
I feel like our little family(mom jen and me) are all by ourselves.have a big family that is to busy to come around so we never see anyone.. I guess I'm rambling..Feeling like running away and hiding.not an opton. I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.. I don't know why Im writing this.. maybe someone else can help me cope with everything

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I don't have a life either - sigh - so I know how you feel. I agree with Pandoralou that respite care for your mom might be a good way to give your daughter a little extra attention ( she may feel stressed because she feels your mom is getting more attention) As for your daughter, I wonder if Easter Seals might be able to help somehow. I've started just going to the movies by myself once a month if possible, and it does help some to just get out and enjoy something.
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I am sorry. I often feel this way. It can be SO overwhelming. AS the daughter in this family I take on the caregiving. My brother is always helpful, but the direct cares go to me. My son is a CNA, but has trouble helping his Grandfather with cares. JEEZ think it is easy for ME??? sorry. I know how you feel. Giant hugs and hope you can find some way to find time for you!!!!!
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Has anyone tried sending your loved one to a nursing facility just for a week for a break? I don't think she will like it at all, but I am just wondering if it worked for you? Sometimes I think I am doing more harm than good by taking care of her in regard to social activity--not letting her be with someone her age, someone she can relate to.
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I get you. I understand. It is ok to be angry and by just writing your feelings down, you probably feel better. I am having a bad day too. I am torn between my family and my mom. My mom harasses by 23 year old college graduate son who is having a hard time finding his dream job. She is alienating him and I am caught in the middle of trying to help him pick up his self esteem and quietly and sweetly ask my mom to mind her own business. But she has dementia, too. She lives in the past. She does not understand today's economy or that parents really can be close to their kids. I am frustrated too. I went away today. Possibly the first time in months I was gone for more than 2 hours. I was filled with sick worry the entire time I was gone. Even though I had care for mom, the cloud of worry is more than I can handle most days because she resents outside care. "I don't need it," she says. "I'm ok to be alone." It hurts to have to tell your mom to wash her bottom and brush her teeth and listen to her lie to you when she said she did and she really didn't. It is humiliating to her, and me, when I sneak in the bathroom to make sure she washes. Today, she kept trying to open and close the shower curtain. She thought it was a window and that people were watching her. Today, I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. My son will go sit with her to give me a break, but he comes out of her room beaten down. He is learning to ignore it, but it hurts. And when your kid hurts, you hurt, but when it is your mom doing the hurting (without knowing why), it messes with your heart and mind real fast. I just need a break. My sister was supposed to help me, but she ran too.
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everybody on this thread is telling this fellow that hes not alone. i believe his complaint is that hes indeed all alone. im tryin to kid a bit but its horrible that family and friends run when someone needs help. caregiving wont last forever and afterwards i hope you with your extraordinary strength and wisdom meet a hell of a better class of friends.. a friend let me down too but her being a decade older may see the shortsightedness of her actions eventually.. shes going to be in a wheelchair someday and i aint givin her a speck of my surplus of wheel bearing grease.. to forgive is divine but vengeance is mine. ( alice cooper)
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Jontur: I have read most of the threads here following your thread question. I assume you have figured out that you are doing great things, you should be proud of yourself, you will receive rewards, mom and dad reminding you how much they did for you. Well, maybe they did. I don't know. One thing I do know is how you really feel. YOU ARE LONELY. and tired, worn out, disgusted, wishing, hoping, and praying you could have some kind of life for you and your daughter aside from all the caretaking. If I really knew the answer to your question, I would have already told you. Can you call people and talk to them? Can you send greeting cards to someone? Did you go to a church before this happened to you? I do believe that God will vindicate us as we honor our folks. However, our family (your child) should come before anyone except God. I can't have a normal family life with my only daughter because of all this mess. Read my threads you will see. These Caregivers are wonderful here. Write to them. Ask questions. Give someone a hug. Start here love and stay in touch. your caregiving friend.
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My Child,
When I get old, I hope you understand and have patience with me. In case i break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I'm loosing my eyesight, I hope you don't yell at me. Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell. When my hearing gets worse and I can't hear what you are saying, I hope you don't call me Deaf!, Please repeat what you said or write it down. I'm sorry, my child. I'm getting older. When my knees get weaker I hope you have the patience to help me get up. Like how I used to help you while you were little, learning to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me. Please don't make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.. Do yo remember when you were little and you wanted a balloon? You repeated yourself over and over until you get what you wanted. Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person. Please don't force me to shower. My body is weak, Old people get sick easily when they're cold. I hope I don't gross you out. Do you remember when you were little? I used to chase you around because you didn't want to shower. I hope you can be patient with me when I'm always cranky. It's all part of getting old. You'll understand when you're older. and if you have spare time, I hope we can talk even for a few minutes. I'm always all by myself and have no one to talk to. I know you're busy with work. Even if you're not interested in my stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I used to listen to your stories about your teddy bear. When it comes time and I get ill and bedridden, I hope you have the patience to take care of me. I'm sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you have the patience to take care of me during the last few moments of my life. I'm not going to last much longer anyway. When the time of my death comes, I hope you hold my hand and give me strength to face death. and don't worry.... When I finally meet our creator I will whisper in his ear to bless you. Because you loved your mom and dad. Thank you so much for your care. "We Love You"
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You are not alone in your situation. Don't give up. Although it is not easy, you are doing the right thing. Venting and accepting advice and help from others on this forum also helps. Don't beat yourself up. Just hang in there and try to find hobbies and other things to keep you busy and get your mind off your problems. Also, you mght find it helpful to find a support group if there are any in your area. Sorry you are feeling so isolated. As our loved ones age, they may do or say things they don't mean as it must be frustrating to get old as we will be in their place one day. It is hard if we miss our old lives, but please don't give up and keep coming back and take care of yourself.
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First let me say "You are a saint." I feel your pain but, I have only been at this for six months. I am losing my mind, never leave my house and no one in my family is willing to care for my grandmother or give me a break. You are not rambling, as I feel that this site was developed to help people like us. I chose to allow my morbidly obese invalid grandmother to move in with me. Originally I had high hopes and wanted her to be able to finish her days in my home. But, she chooses to be nasty to my children and myself. My babies come first and I have not left my home for more than 30 minutes in 5 months. I used to be a soccer mom and had a professional career and I LOVED MY LIFE. I find myself becoming a bitter hag and will not continue to do this to my family. She has always been mean and manipulative, I knew this. She beat me as a child and was verbally abusive along with other things. These things happened long before the two strokes which rendered her paralyzed. But, I felt pity for her because the nursing home was neglecting her, I know now why they neglected her. Good luck to you and if you ever need to vent please look me up on the website. It is sad when life gets overwhelming and you feel shut in. I will add you to my prayers.
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Jontur, if you have learned nothing else, you now know you are not alone, and the feelings you are experiencing are not unique. Please recognize that both your parents needed help and you stepped up and agreed to help. You did a great job with your father's end-of-life experience and are continuing to help your mother. Pat yourself on the back. Don't count on others to do that. You can assume that your other family members believe no one can help your mother, and your success proves them wrong and makes them feel bad, guilty, foolish and/or unworthy of your mother's love. This makes them mean and nasty in their dealings with you. That's not your problem, so don't take it on. You are doing God's work for your mother as you did with your dad, and the rewards for that are on their way to you. Give care, support and assistance to your mother with all the love you can find for her. Take pride in the difficult, unpleasant, even thankless work you do to improve your mother's quality of life. Yes, it is hard. But yes, there are rewards that your absent family members will miss out on. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Good Luck. God Bless You.
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