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I have been caretaking for my mom now and my dad before he died of cancer 5 years ago. after my dad passed i moved in with my mom because she was lonely and needed help to stay in her home.
its been 5 years now. I have no life, no help and feel like i am losing my mind. I get very upset when my sister refuses to give me a break. she says mom wont stay at her house..and she cant stay here. i also caretake for my special needs 21 yo daughter..my sister wants my girl to go to a group home because she stresses out mom sometimes. I'm supposed to choose between the two. not an option.
my brother came out from the midwest but is ready to go back because of the stress.
I feel like our little family(mom jen and me) are all by ourselves.have a big family that is to busy to come around so we never see anyone.. I guess I'm rambling..Feeling like running away and hiding.not an opton. I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.. I don't know why Im writing this.. maybe someone else can help me cope with everything

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I don't have a life either - sigh - so I know how you feel. I agree with Pandoralou that respite care for your mom might be a good way to give your daughter a little extra attention ( she may feel stressed because she feels your mom is getting more attention) As for your daughter, I wonder if Easter Seals might be able to help somehow. I've started just going to the movies by myself once a month if possible, and it does help some to just get out and enjoy something.
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I am sorry. I often feel this way. It can be SO overwhelming. AS the daughter in this family I take on the caregiving. My brother is always helpful, but the direct cares go to me. My son is a CNA, but has trouble helping his Grandfather with cares. JEEZ think it is easy for ME??? sorry. I know how you feel. Giant hugs and hope you can find some way to find time for you!!!!!
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Has anyone tried sending your loved one to a nursing facility just for a week for a break? I don't think she will like it at all, but I am just wondering if it worked for you? Sometimes I think I am doing more harm than good by taking care of her in regard to social activity--not letting her be with someone her age, someone she can relate to.
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I get you. I understand. It is ok to be angry and by just writing your feelings down, you probably feel better. I am having a bad day too. I am torn between my family and my mom. My mom harasses by 23 year old college graduate son who is having a hard time finding his dream job. She is alienating him and I am caught in the middle of trying to help him pick up his self esteem and quietly and sweetly ask my mom to mind her own business. But she has dementia, too. She lives in the past. She does not understand today's economy or that parents really can be close to their kids. I am frustrated too. I went away today. Possibly the first time in months I was gone for more than 2 hours. I was filled with sick worry the entire time I was gone. Even though I had care for mom, the cloud of worry is more than I can handle most days because she resents outside care. "I don't need it," she says. "I'm ok to be alone." It hurts to have to tell your mom to wash her bottom and brush her teeth and listen to her lie to you when she said she did and she really didn't. It is humiliating to her, and me, when I sneak in the bathroom to make sure she washes. Today, she kept trying to open and close the shower curtain. She thought it was a window and that people were watching her. Today, I just wanted to pull the covers over my head. My son will go sit with her to give me a break, but he comes out of her room beaten down. He is learning to ignore it, but it hurts. And when your kid hurts, you hurt, but when it is your mom doing the hurting (without knowing why), it messes with your heart and mind real fast. I just need a break. My sister was supposed to help me, but she ran too.
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everybody on this thread is telling this fellow that hes not alone. i believe his complaint is that hes indeed all alone. im tryin to kid a bit but its horrible that family and friends run when someone needs help. caregiving wont last forever and afterwards i hope you with your extraordinary strength and wisdom meet a hell of a better class of friends.. a friend let me down too but her being a decade older may see the shortsightedness of her actions eventually.. shes going to be in a wheelchair someday and i aint givin her a speck of my surplus of wheel bearing grease.. to forgive is divine but vengeance is mine. ( alice cooper)
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Jontur: I have read most of the threads here following your thread question. I assume you have figured out that you are doing great things, you should be proud of yourself, you will receive rewards, mom and dad reminding you how much they did for you. Well, maybe they did. I don't know. One thing I do know is how you really feel. YOU ARE LONELY. and tired, worn out, disgusted, wishing, hoping, and praying you could have some kind of life for you and your daughter aside from all the caretaking. If I really knew the answer to your question, I would have already told you. Can you call people and talk to them? Can you send greeting cards to someone? Did you go to a church before this happened to you? I do believe that God will vindicate us as we honor our folks. However, our family (your child) should come before anyone except God. I can't have a normal family life with my only daughter because of all this mess. Read my threads you will see. These Caregivers are wonderful here. Write to them. Ask questions. Give someone a hug. Start here love and stay in touch. your caregiving friend.
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My Child,
When I get old, I hope you understand and have patience with me. In case i break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I'm loosing my eyesight, I hope you don't yell at me. Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell. When my hearing gets worse and I can't hear what you are saying, I hope you don't call me Deaf!, Please repeat what you said or write it down. I'm sorry, my child. I'm getting older. When my knees get weaker I hope you have the patience to help me get up. Like how I used to help you while you were little, learning to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me. Please don't make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.. Do yo remember when you were little and you wanted a balloon? You repeated yourself over and over until you get what you wanted. Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person. Please don't force me to shower. My body is weak, Old people get sick easily when they're cold. I hope I don't gross you out. Do you remember when you were little? I used to chase you around because you didn't want to shower. I hope you can be patient with me when I'm always cranky. It's all part of getting old. You'll understand when you're older. and if you have spare time, I hope we can talk even for a few minutes. I'm always all by myself and have no one to talk to. I know you're busy with work. Even if you're not interested in my stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I used to listen to your stories about your teddy bear. When it comes time and I get ill and bedridden, I hope you have the patience to take care of me. I'm sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you have the patience to take care of me during the last few moments of my life. I'm not going to last much longer anyway. When the time of my death comes, I hope you hold my hand and give me strength to face death. and don't worry.... When I finally meet our creator I will whisper in his ear to bless you. Because you loved your mom and dad. Thank you so much for your care. "We Love You"
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You are not alone in your situation. Don't give up. Although it is not easy, you are doing the right thing. Venting and accepting advice and help from others on this forum also helps. Don't beat yourself up. Just hang in there and try to find hobbies and other things to keep you busy and get your mind off your problems. Also, you mght find it helpful to find a support group if there are any in your area. Sorry you are feeling so isolated. As our loved ones age, they may do or say things they don't mean as it must be frustrating to get old as we will be in their place one day. It is hard if we miss our old lives, but please don't give up and keep coming back and take care of yourself.
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First let me say "You are a saint." I feel your pain but, I have only been at this for six months. I am losing my mind, never leave my house and no one in my family is willing to care for my grandmother or give me a break. You are not rambling, as I feel that this site was developed to help people like us. I chose to allow my morbidly obese invalid grandmother to move in with me. Originally I had high hopes and wanted her to be able to finish her days in my home. But, she chooses to be nasty to my children and myself. My babies come first and I have not left my home for more than 30 minutes in 5 months. I used to be a soccer mom and had a professional career and I LOVED MY LIFE. I find myself becoming a bitter hag and will not continue to do this to my family. She has always been mean and manipulative, I knew this. She beat me as a child and was verbally abusive along with other things. These things happened long before the two strokes which rendered her paralyzed. But, I felt pity for her because the nursing home was neglecting her, I know now why they neglected her. Good luck to you and if you ever need to vent please look me up on the website. It is sad when life gets overwhelming and you feel shut in. I will add you to my prayers.
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Jontur, if you have learned nothing else, you now know you are not alone, and the feelings you are experiencing are not unique. Please recognize that both your parents needed help and you stepped up and agreed to help. You did a great job with your father's end-of-life experience and are continuing to help your mother. Pat yourself on the back. Don't count on others to do that. You can assume that your other family members believe no one can help your mother, and your success proves them wrong and makes them feel bad, guilty, foolish and/or unworthy of your mother's love. This makes them mean and nasty in their dealings with you. That's not your problem, so don't take it on. You are doing God's work for your mother as you did with your dad, and the rewards for that are on their way to you. Give care, support and assistance to your mother with all the love you can find for her. Take pride in the difficult, unpleasant, even thankless work you do to improve your mother's quality of life. Yes, it is hard. But yes, there are rewards that your absent family members will miss out on. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Good Luck. God Bless You.
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Hi Jimmymc, I'm so very sorry. And yes, this is a very lonely place, understandable. And it is terribly depressing also. I've learned quite a bit about people and society in the past years and i'm 52. People are just too busy with their own lives and problems, the economy is bad which affects your situation also. Truly, I don't know if there's a fix right now,, the only thing you can do is talk to those who may make you feel better, and see what works for you. Perhaps it's just finding company in a book, or on a chat page, or a support group. I was not liking the person I was becoming and I still struggle trying to have a life. and Those not in this situation -- well from my experience, it's best not to talk to them about it. okay?
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Hi, I'm 46 years old. I have bin looking after my mother and father now for a long time there in the mid 80s, I have a brother that dose absolutely nothing he can't even call them up to let them hear there grandchiled on the phone wow,at this point I am doing everything it has bin a lonly road for me lost most or all my friend lashing out on people it just got so lonely in my life my selfasteam is bad from this.
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Fifthchild: You are a good person and like most of us here, so unappreciated in our daily lives. As you said, we're not in this for the appreciation or kudos. It the real need of our loved ones which we respond to. It is a thankless labor of love we perform. You exemplify the cream of the crop here by acknowledging others and their burdents, sharing your burden and offering information which may help anyone of us.
Jontur, I'll jump on the wagon here and agree with the thread and with you. I'm alone in many ways. Two years ago my vision went bad and I've had a series of eye surgeries (both eyes). I haven't driven in two years - in fact, my license is expired. My husband works and I am stuck at home every day and, until recently, my activities were extremely limited.

My main function has been the long distance care of my Mom, many phone calls each day and calls trying to get another sibling to get involved with Mom. (Our parents retired to an area almost 3 hours from the nearest (disabled) sibling. I'm 8 hours away.) I've traveled all day by public transportation to get to Mom when it was impossible for my hubby to get me there by car. We all do what we feel is necessary in our situations.

Despite my vision problems, using magnifiers, I help Mom with financial issues and things that just overwhelm her. I've found appliance manuals online when she couldn't remember how to turn the oven on!

All of this is frustrating because I can't just get in the car and do what needs to be done. And I can't get anyone else to see how Mom's quality of life is falling apart. She tells me all these things but no one else. She hides the problems because she is afratid of loosing her "independence".

I know there are "in home" care services available. I've spoken to one trying to get help for Mom. (She kicked them out and then wouldn't let them in again.)

If you can't get good samaritans from within your family or friends, how about a local church? That's the least expensive approach.

In NJ, there is a company called "Griswold". The cost I was quoted was less that $20/hour and they will come in for just a few hours a day a couple of days a week. They will do anything - bathing, dressing, housework, cooking, shopping, just plain old companionship - whatever you need, including some medical services. I know this company has franchises in other areas and there are other similiar services.
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Hello,
Yes I can relate and agree with you all except that I am Caregiver only for my mother who is 86 and depends on me for all of her basic and financial needs. I can not imagine what I would do if I had a Special Needs child to care of as well. God Bless you over and over. I can only sadly say that immediate relatives and other family relatives and friends including church members, all run and hide when you mention the word H-E-L-P. My brother and his wife are very wealthy yet do not want to hear about what is going on here. My mother needs a very expensive medicine when she has an attack of pneumonia which happens just about every winter. I have even offered my brother to pay half so as to be fair about the large expense of the drug. He refuses to hear it. I then have to beg her doctor to either give her samples or a generic drug to take its place. So Selfish. I once was told that it is you and God against the world and I now believe this is true. You dear caregivers are in my prayers.
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It is hard to be isolated, lonely and now broke and not sure what to do or who your friends are. Sometimes it not very many and sometimes you are too busy or tired to be very social. With my car not working and no money coming in, it is a little harder. I just had to apply for food stamps, which never thought would have to do and pretty much sucks. Oh well. Maybe just go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow. It does help to be able to vent without being judged or criticized. Thank you.
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Let me tell you another side to your very genuine problem. My mother had a fractured back, apparently from osteoperosis (sp?). She was bedfast and asked me to move her into my home. My mother also had to be diapered. I could not even bear to think of diapering my mother and I turned her down. That was over 20 years ago and I still feel guilty about it.

Now my wife is in late stage dementia and also in Depends. There is no way anything could keep me from caring for her in my home. We have a caregiver/housekeeper 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I am so much more happy as things are that when my mother needed me and I will be happier the rest of my life.

My hat is off to you and to all the other care giving children that are assuming the burdens as you have. Maybe the rest of your family doesn't appreciate what you are doing but you are secretly awarded extra points among we humanists.
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Opps, grandma is only 83. Sorry.
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Hi Baumgark ~

Sounds like you might want to start interviewing other assisted living centers or nursing homes. They all aren't terrible and give poor quality care. There are wonderful places out there with the staff to give your grandma the hours and attention she needs and, from what you say, she demands a lot. You are too young to be devoting night and day to her. Remember, working in health care for 12 years does give you some knowledge of what to expect, but at the end of your shift, you got to go home and decompress. That is much, much different than the 24/7 responsibility. Your family and your health are at stake. It is exhausting and difficult enough to care for someone who is sweet and appreciative, even with dementia, but it is another to put up with abuse from someone who has all their cognitive faculties.

Where are your parents, aunts and uncles? Someone of that generation should step up to the plate, not you! Or is it that grandma’s nasty attitude through the years has turned them all away from any desire to care for her in their homes?

Your family and young children need you to be there for them right now. They have full lives ahead of them and, as their mom, it is important that you give them the love and attention they need from you. Remember, your grandmother had the privilege and joy of raising her children and devoting her time to them when they needed her. Don’t cheat yourself and your children out of the same joys.

It isn't fair either, to subject your family to neglect and make their lives, and yours miserable because grandma is a grouch. And, at 86, she ain't gonna change. I don't think your grandmother will be happy no matter what you do or where she lives and all that is going to happen is you will miss those precious years of being a mother to your children. And, more importantly, your children will lose those beautiful and very important years of having you as their soccer/baseball mom. Time goes by so fast and you will never get these years back. There are no second chances or repeats. IMHO, don't give up this very special time in your life to care for someone who will only suck the life out of you and your family. You, your husband and children will miss way, way too much because you are tied to someone who is miserable and demanding.

Plus, her attitude will definitely affect your children’s outlook on life. Yes, we need to care for those we love and sometimes it is a good experience for children to learn lessons of love, giving and caring for family members as they grow old, but not when it may have a damaging or negative effect on their lives and future. Just a few thoughts to ponder. Best wishes filled with prayers.
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I feel your pain. I recently moved my 83 year old (demanding) grandmother in with me. I felt so guilty knowing that she was not being properly cared for in the nursing home and no one else in my family was willing to do it. This has caused a huge strain on my family, I am fortunate to have two wonderful kids and a husband. I went from being a soccer/baseball mom to having not left my house in 88 days. Every time I have interviewed someone for respite care she has treated them awfully, even growling at one lady. The sad part is she has full cognitive function, she has always been mean. I pray alot! Sorry to complain but at 2am and 4am being called incompetent is difficult. I have worked in health care for 12 years and have seen this and even knew to expect this. I miss my friends!
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Again thank you all. I need to clarify one thing. My sister is selfish with her time. very selfish. they are retired and have their grand kids and their vacation home.. My mom does'nt have much. the house has a reverse mtge. she has some investments but not much.. She (my sister) is very fair when it comes to finances. She just won't help very much.. She dosn't(is that spelled right..lol) want to lose her own time.. Now she does love to come in and save the day(her perception) and take credit for everything my brother in law does. He is more helpfull but is throttled by my sister I sometimes beleive. So really my only worry for myself is where I'm going to go after she goe's to be with dad..
I love and accept my sister for who she is. I just wish she was a bit more helpfull.(alot more) I try to have low expectations so i don't get so pissed and frustrated at her.. it is what it is and hard as it may be i must accept her for the good and the bad..Keeping in mind she is who she is and I guess that is the way it is.. I know that if she had mom she would put her in a assisted living facility.. I can't and won't let that happen.. She would completely give up and die within months I beleive..I don't think i can do that to her..NO MATTER WHAT.. Again I can't thank you all enough.. God bless you all and the loved ones you are caring for..
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Jontur,
All the above advice is right on. If you don't have all your ducks in a row your compassionless sibling will come in and make duck soup out of you. I know it's overwhelming but do as I did and take it one little step at a time. Each day I tried to make one phone call and cover one situation.

My brother who volunteered to care for my mom 5 yrs ago was abusing her and her credit cards, so when I took over, mama was almost dead. Literally. We expected her to live maybe two or three months. I dealt with all the ugly stuff, the diaper changes, hand feeding, diahrrea explosions etc. All the things he refused to do for her while just waiting for her to die. He actually said to me that her death would be a blessing. He was retired...I had to quit working and take over. Thanks goodness I had a 10 yr old POA that I never mentioned to the family. I took the credit cards and her check book. I let him stay in her house, but with the understanding that mama was no longer paying all the bills. Her credit cards had been charged up to $40,000. I'm still dealing with her creditors. I sent them all a letter and the Dr signed a document stating her health issues. Basically I told them to go whistle for it that she was not in any condition to pay them back and I sincerely hoped they had insurance to cover such losses. All the credit was in her name only so nothing will come back on any of her children even the abusing brother.
Anyway, all that to get to this. It's important to get help with the legal things now while she is alive. Don't worry about what your sibling will think of you. She/they will not be charitable and will screw you without batting an eye. I may be assuming too much in your case, but in mine....my brother would back stab me in a flash. Now I have all the leverage. Of course, I have Mama too and she is back in good health from the loving care given to her. Call Hospice. Let them evaluate the situation. If that doesn't work, there are home health companies that take medicare and it won't cost you anything. Let that be one of your first phone calls. You can buy POA forms at Office Depot also Wills of every kind. If you are not on meds for depression, check that out with your DR. It's almost impossible to do this job without getting depressed. The meds are a godsend.
All this advice may be unnessary because you've already done it, thought about it or in the process of doing it. Forgive me if I'm preaching to the choir. We caregivers can't help but try to care for each other. Basically because WE CARE.

Hope things work out for you. Let us know.
Ann
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Hi jontur . Well, if nothing else, you are not alone. I've had my mom 14 years now. I do have a brother and sister. My sister lives far from here and seldom visits. My brother and his wife live a few hours from here, but they can't /won't take mom even for a weekend because they're too busy. Feeling isolated seems to come with the territory. Church is a help to some extent. I'm also thinking of checking out our local senior center. I know they have activities and I'm thinking other caregivers would be there as well. Maybe a friend could be found with a kindred spirit. Good luck to you and your daughter and mom.
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Hello again jontur~

Sorry I am long winded again, but I am concerned about you and you NEED, no, you HAVE TO GET HELP!!!! I hear the desperation in your writing and if you don’t get someone to help you with the burden of caring for your mother, they will be burying you long before her. I am almost 99% certain your heart attack and by-pass surgery were precipitated from the stress you have been under dealing with your parents and useless sister. No offense, but what kind of heartless people are they anyway?

PLEASE make an appointment TODAY to talk with your doctor and cardiologist about your situation. Let them know the stressful conditions you live in and tell them you have to have help from somewhere. Ask them to connect you with a social worker who can help get you to the right people in the community. Your health insurance policy should cover those expenses. There are numerous services out there that may be able to help you. I don’t know your current health status, except your nerves are shot. How well have you recovered from your surgery? You might qualify for disability. Can you afford not to work and stay home caring for your mother, or will you need to find another job? How long can your brother, realistically, stay with you? Doesn’t he have to get back to a job and family? Could he take your mother to live with him for part of the year and you take her the other part?

You said you moved in with your mother because she was lonely and couldn’t stay alone in her home. You haven’t mentioned the degree of her physical and mental capabilities. There are adult day care facilities you could take your mother to for a few hours a day or a couple days a week. There she would meet other people her age and limitations and have shared interactions, hopefully making new friends. She might enjoy getting out and socializing. The stimulation would be good for her and it would give you both a break and change of pace. They have centers specifically geared to Alzheimer patients if her mental state is slipping. Does she have any friends left? Possibly they could meet for lunch somewhere. Pick them up, drop them off at a restaurant and go do something for an hour or so while they dine. Another service I think is offered by either the Alzheimer’s society or senior resource organization is where other people in the community come into your home and visit with seniors for an hour or two. They read to them, play cards with them and simply socialize. It is a wonderful service and it is free.

For you own health you MUST find some moments of peace and respite or you will be back in the hospital or worse. Remember, YOU are important too and DESERVE to have a life. YOU are a valuable person and have a right to be here and enjoy this world too! I had to remind myself of that when I was caring for my mother. When she was my age, she was free from the responsibilities of family and work, traveling all over with friends, playing golf and having the time of her life in her “golden years”. That is how it should be. My mother cared for her father for a month and the doctor told her it was too much and she had to place him in a facility that could care for him. I chose not to do that with her, but remembering the scenario somehow made me feel better when I was exhausted and ready to jump off a cliff. It took away some of my guilty feelings. I had a cousin going through the same situation with her mother and we used to ask one another, “When is it going to be our turn to play?”

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE call you physicians TODAY and schedule an appointment!!! You MUST do this before your brother leaves!! From what I am hearing, it is imperative you get help. It is out there and you have to take the first steps to finding it before you get yourself trapped into the rut of depression and routine of 24/7 care again. Not only do you need someone to provide some respite for you, but I think it would be beneficial for you to talk with a counselor to help your mental state, as well. You sound like you are barely hanging on by your last, thin thread.

Care giving is very difficult mentally and physically and we all need support and help to keep us going. DON’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY!!! And, by gosh, use your mother’s money to pay for respite!

Also, if you haven’t done so, go talk to an estate planning attorney. From what you say about your family, you need to be sure you have all your bases covered and, at the very least, have POA. Believe me, things will get a whole lot bumpier as mom slips and with the sounds of your family, it is imperative you are covered legally. You need to be protected and have the legal authority to write checks for your mom’s living expenses when she is incapable of doing so. There are numerous things you must get in place immediately. Are you going to inherit her home? If so, you better get that legally covered or you could be on the street. Does she have a car? How about stocks, savings accounts, etc.? Who will get those? Does she have a will? Is she mentally capable of signing and planning her will? Does she have a living will if she needs to go on life support? There are an unbelievable number of aspects to be solidified and handled NOW for your own security and the ability to properly care for your mother.

Okay, again, enough of my ramblings. I wish you the very best and hope you find the help you need so you may have peaceful, protected and happy years with your mother. This should be a special time of bonding and sharing not unhappiness, depression and frustration.

Please let us know TODAY that you made those all important phone calls and have appointments scheduled. NONE of us can do this alone. Care giving is extremely stressful; we need help from every possible source available to keep us sane, healthy and legally covered so we may give the best care possible to not only our loved ones, but ourselves. Prayers and hugs.
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SOSA:

No. She lived out of the boxes for a couple of months until it finally dawned to her the only one who might come was the Grim Reaper. Or she got her own place, whichever came first. After 3 years I got her into a senior citizens' residence full of screechy Puerto Rican women huddled up in corners and sounding like chickens chattering in a churchyard. The men were too old -- she doesn't date anyone over 30. She called them "fuddy duddies" playing papi chulos or has-been macho men locking horns in sterile testosterone contests and talking about torrid trysts they had Marilyn Monroe-ish women that exist only in magazines ... or their minds.

To make a long story short, she's still living there. In a microcosm of Puerto Rico where they can romanticize poverty, talk each other's ears off about ungrateful children, play bingo & dominoes, and build community any way they can. Good or bad, it's family.
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Please stay on this site. You need it. I read it several times a day, even if I don't comment. It is a blessing. I sometimes feel after reading things, "hey, I don't have it so bad" - it just seems to help. My mom is not violent, she is a sweetie and when I read about what others go through, it helps me cope to know I am not alone..even if family has retreated and do not call - EVER- and friends stop asking or inviting you. The good friends will remain - the so called, are very much replaceable. Know in your heart you are doing the best you can. And don't listen to anything the sibs say....they are not qualified and DO NOT GET A VOTE. You are doing all the work. Write them off....I did. Go with your heart.
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Eddie, I was intrigued by your story... Did anyone ever pick mom up?
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JONTUR:

You're a prisoner of caregiving. Your whole life revolves around it. Time is a luxury you don't have much of, and "free" moments are probably spent thinking about what else needs to be done, occasional phone calls to let people know you haven't completely fallen off the map. Maybe the only chance to recover from all that madness is an out-of-body experience here and there.

When I cared for Mom, one of my sisters would drop by unexpectedly to supervise. I'd always ask if she wanted French fries go to with her orders. In a nutshell, she wouldn't let me do anything to then say I did nothing. Last time I saw her she told Mom to pack and move in with her. Poor thing got boxes from the supermarket and even packed all my Charmin. To make a long story short, Mom waited and waited for Martha to take her to that heavenly house in Newark, NJ that no one has ever seen. (I searched on Google Earth where it's supposed to be, and all I found was a out-of-service, old gas station.)

Ok. ... Enough rambling for one night. Take care of yourself my friend, and don't be a stranger.
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I should clarify my above post. My SIBLING is the one who does not help me or our mother out very much, but is trying to get back at me over past imaginary hurts by intentionally NOT helping. It is a very bad situation for all involved.
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I could almost have written your note, almost word for word. I have one sibling who lives the closest, with tons of time on her hands, who is trying to get back at me by not helping OUR mother very much at all ....for 5 years... I KNOW how this feels, and think it is absolutely disgusting to me that my sister is punishing our mother in this way when she needs said sister (her daughter) the most. Yet, she will likely be there johnny on the spot when it comes time to pass out the money and the family posessions in the end. Maybe someday I will forgive her, but right now am too in the thick of it to even give it a thought. I will likely have to cut all ties with my sister before long, as she has harmed me so greatly, and I want nothing more to do with her.
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thank you all for your support and for sharing you experiences. It helps that now i know there are so many others in my situation..I was working for a friend of mine at a recycle center(a God send) because it got me out of the house and got my mind off of things. it was close to my house so if something went wrong i could be there in 5 minutes.. well the silent partner is shutting down because he said he wasn't making enough money(greedy).
anyway now i am losing my job and my last refuge..my brother who came out to help while I was at work will probably go home to missouri now. I told him I really need him to stay. that before he came I was on the verge of losing my mind..I hope he stays..at least thru the holidays.
I think about doing everything by myself again and I feel a knot the size of a bowling ball in my stomach..I know if he leaves it will be like before he came. by myself with no help..I've got only my sister and brother in law and they aren't much help.. I'll give you an example. Since my dad passed 5 years ago(thats when i moved in with my mom) I have had 3 heart attacks and 4 way open heart surgery. While i was in the hospital recovering from my surgery my sister and brother inlaw came to visit. when i told them i don't know if i can keep up caretaking for mom, I was told that they expected me to buck up and take care of her. I was told that i owed them for all they did. keep in mind that i had open heart surgery on a friday and this was the next sunday..2 days after surgery..well that was a year ago and I'm doing what I have to do for my mom..
any way. I guess i just have to go with the flow right now..I will pray my favorite prayer all day; God grant me the serenity to except the things i cannot change, thie courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference..
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