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My dad has late-stage Alzheimer's, and my mom is his 24/7 caregiver in their home. Understandably, some of my dad's symptoms include hallucinations, paranoia, fear, and tantrums. My mother is convinced that many of these behaviors are demonic in nature, and she will stand over my father and yell and scream to "rebuke" what she perceives as demonic events. As you can imagine, this is terrifying for my dad, and he'll scream and yell right back at her. It's heartbreaking to witness, and it's caused my son (their grandson) to be in tears when he's witnessed it. I've tried many, many times to convince my mom that dad's illness is completely physical, that the illness is within his brain, and that is what affects his behaviors, it's not his "soul", but she has consistently refused to change her beliefs, and therefore her treatment of my dad. She has also refused any and all outside help, she will not attend support groups, she will not even go to online support, she will not have any visiting nurses or respite care in her home, nothing. I love my mom dearly, she is a good, kind, and caring woman. She is exhausted, overwhelmed, and completely stressed out due to this situation. I don't know what to do at this point. Is her behavior considered abusive towards him? The shouting, the accusing, the making him think it's somehow HIS fault that he's ill? She'll call him stubborn, uncooperative, etc... and I tell her, "No, he's SICK, Mom... you wouldn't yell at someone with cancer like this!"


Advice, please.

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Yes. It is elder abuse.
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Sorry to sound like a hard ass here, but - just because your mother is "fragile" it doesn't excuse or justify allowing your father to continue being demeaned, terrorized and abused. The poor man is going through enough with his illness without mistreatment from his wife. I can only imagine how frighten and confused he must be. If your father were a child would this be okay? How about if he were disabled - in the traditional sense? I honestly don't mean to be judgemental, but I don't understand how you can allow this to continue. If your mother can not be made to see what she is doing is profoundly wrong and must stop immediately - then your father should be protected by removing him from the home.
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With all due respect it seems to me your mothers mental Heath is questionable. Demonic events?! That's out there. Dementia is so difficult to deal with and it is hard to not get frustrated and angry but people of sound mind understand what is happening and don't behave in this manner towards dementia patients.

You should contact APS. They need to evaluate the mental competence of both your parents. This should not continue.
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vrf19977, let's change the characters just a tad in this scenario.

An older man with dementia who cannot communicate his experiences and feelings is in a care facility. One of the older caregivers there thinks he is possessed by demons and she screams at him trying to drive them out. She calls him names and berates him, day after day.

A younger worker there observes this. She realizes how off-balance the caregiver is and she hates to see the poor old dear get in trouble. So she doesn't go behind the caregiver's back and report what she knows to administration.

And the abuse continues.

Sound like a good plan?

Sorry if that sounds judgmental.

In the bad old days sick or mean husbands were pretty much left to beat their wives and children, because it was a private matter and nobody wanted to interfere.

Just sayin' ...
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Your mom is in a fragile state and yet you are letting her run the show and call the shots....To me, that means that you are not thinking like an adult. You are thinking of your mom as being all knowing and all powerful as she was in your youth. She's a fragile, aick and tired old woman who needs help and support. She'll thank you agter you get your dad to a safe pla v e.

Please don't let your dad die this way.
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What about talking to her minister and having him/her talk to her, maybe they can convince her to get some assistance and explain that this is a physical condition, not spiritual.
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I too, am wondering about Mom's brain health. One can be in denial for a very long time. But, that does not excuse the abuse dad goes through daily. And NO, APS will not tell mom who called them to check on dad's welfare. In fact, if you explain the situation to them, they will be more prepared to help.
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So where is their Pentecostal church family in terms of supporting your mom and dad? Doesn't the pastor come to visit? Other church members? They should be sitting with your father, so your mom can have lunch out with some other church members.

Could you enlist the support of other church members (maybe younger ones who might be a bit more open-minded about why your father has the behaviors he does) to support your mom? That's one avenue I'd check out, given your limitations. Or talk to her pastor about getting her some respite care, so she can get out to relax. Surely he'd understand that need, unless he's a total idiot.
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VRF, maybe we're getting sidetracked with the points about beliefs, religion and demons. For What ever reason your Moms behavior towards your Dad is abusive. I agree with Babalou above. Dad needs to be away from Mom. This will not be easy but something has to happen to make Dads life easier.
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Has your dad been evaluated for the symptoms you mention, i.e, paranoia, agitation, hallucinations? Many, many AZ patient's psychiatric symptoms can be ameliorated through meds. I would try to get this done ASAP.

I personally wouldn't call APS; they probably wouldn't witness what you describe. Your dad needs to be in a safe place. I would talk to his doctor; the next time he hallucinates, I'd call 911 and have him transported to the hospital. Much easier on everyone to do an in-house assessment of his symptoms.

Alternatively, is Hospice a possibility? Depending upon the organization, they are sometimes able to evaluate the patient at home. They might be a good source of recommendations for calming meds.

Look, I feel for your situation and I think that your mom is at her breaking point. This isn't fair to her. But does her minister REALLY think that rebuking an AZ patient is the right thing for a LAY person to do? Or is it something that is best left to a professional? Are you going by what MOM tells you the minister says, or have you heard it from HIS mouth? Mom might be misinterpreting what she's heard.

Lastly, please, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT EXPOSE YOUR CHILD TO THIS BEHAVIOR. I'm a mandated reporter and there is not one iota of doubt in my mind that exposing a child to this behavior, no matter how well intentioned it is on your mom's part, constitutes CHILD abuse. You don't want to lose custody of your son.
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