Is this dementia?

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Dad and I were at odds when he was being released from rehab. He had a UTI and multiple compression fractures, and was there to gain strength before coming home. He wanted someone to re-wipe him as he was assisted off the toilet. I told him if you have a doubt, grab another handful of TP and clean yourself up. He said no, he could not stand the thought of sitting in waste all day, and when the CNA's cleaned him, it never amounted to much. I told him any amount was too much for me, and I would not wipe his butt. Told him to do the best he could, and if we needed to throw out his shorts, we would, or cycle them thru the washer after soaking... whatever, but I would not wipe his a**. He became indignent, and huffy, so to AL he went. At the AL facility, it was the same. He had the aids wiping his rear, and he requested surgical gloves to keep from getting anything on his hands. Dad was never diagnosed with dementia, but I just can't believe there wasn't something going wrong in his head. All he had to do to come home was wipe his own rear, and if worried he didn't do a good enough job, get more TP.

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cwillie
I wish I had thought of the bidet. It might have worked for us and given Dad a chance to get back home.
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cwillie, that is how it happened to me. One accident that had to be cleaned up, then, after time went by, another. Then you realize that when, even with a regular BM, letting her wipe herself caused more mess than it was worth. Next thing you know, full time butt wiper.
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Most of us don't have the prescience to draw that line in the sand, I don't think any of us who are knee deep in personal care ever imagined finding ourselves in this place. It just kind of creeps up on you, an uncharacteristic accident that needs cleaning up leads to another and another....

To the OP, have you heard about the bidet toilet seats? If not you can check them out on youtube.
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Make sure they don't flush the wipes. Even the ones that say they can be flushed can't. They don't break down fast enough and can back up the sewer. Plumbers make a lot of money snaking sewers of people using the "flushable" wipes. I would be scared to get the wipes around my mother. Those snaking charges are huge!
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What a conversation. LOL. One reason my Mom is in an AL is because I had to wipe her. The smell made me sick. Loves baby wipes are great. They are thick and a good size. Tell him to use them. It was bad enough helping Mom but I would never have done my Dad.
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Had this talk with my daughter a few months ago about how she would feel about providing personal care if I could no longer do this myself. She said she would do it in an emergency but she would hire people to do those things. She also raised the privacy issue. I told her that was no longer an issue with me having had personal care when in the hospital from East European male refugees who often did not speak good English.
I realize some people can't perform certain tasks under any circumstances and entirely sympathize. What stops me is vomit - i immediately start to heave at the smell.
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AMEN CTTN55! Every time she re-writes history in her mind and credits him with taking care of her "so well", all I can think about is wiping her wrinkled a$$ while she is still pooping. No, he never would have done that.
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"now I am a full blown butt wiper. What was once just an occasional help after a particularly unruly poop, became me wiping after every one. I wondered how it came down to this as I was wiping her the other day and realized that she was still going as I was wiping."

You are a better person than I am. Your brothers should be wiping your mother's butt...better yet, she should be living with them. They should be her caregivers (after all, she paid for the house).
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I drew the line when Mom first stared showing a need for extra help toileting. No way was I going to wipe her butt. I made it clear that when she got to that point, she had better plan on living in a facility.

But, slowly but surely, it happened. We started with throwing her in the shower after sloppy BMs and now I am a full blown butt wiper. What was once just an occasional help after a particularly unruly poop, became me wiping after every one. I wondered how it came down to this as I was wiping her the other day and realized that she was still going as I was wiping.

Anyway, my advice is provide him with baby wipes, or adult wipes or disposable washcloths and encourage his independence in that are for as long as you can.
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didntknow, I understand what you are talking about. Caregivers do need to draw limits about things they will and won't do. I let my mother know when I came that I wouldn't help with cutting the grass, toileting, or baths. I have stuck to that. So far my parents did not need help with bathing or toileting, so it has gone okay. My father died 5 years ago. If my mother ever does need that type of help, it will be time to go to a nursing facility. What you did is exactly what I would do, so I understand it completely. I am not a CNA. I'm just a daughter helping parents remain in the home as long as it is reasonable.
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