A year ago my dad, 80, was diagnosed with rectal cancer. I have lived with my dad for years. I broke my back in 2015, had surgery in 2016, but am in effect partially disabled. I haven't worked since 2013.
So I have a lot to deal with anyway. I feel useless and that my life has no meaning. But my mom wanted me to take care of dad when she died in 2008, and I was fully prepared to do this.
But last year was very tough. In addition to taking him to doctors appointments, cooking meals, scheduling appointments, and making sure he's taken care of, we had a couple of financial disasters. The worry and anxiety just built and built.
My father's cancer is gone, but we have to remain vigilant. But I realize that this is it for me. I'll be doing this for the rest of his life. And then what? I have no idea what will become of me.
For about 6 months I could feel this creeping hatred/resentment set in. When his cancer disappeared I was happy, and I cried a little, but there was an emptiness in me. Now I'm at the point where even though he's fine I have hatred toward him, and I find no joy or pleasure in anything.
Is this burnout? Did I overdo it over the past year? Did I worry too much? Or am I being selfish? One thing I've discovered is that, as a guy with an anxiety disorder, OCD, I am not a good caregiver. I mean..I did fine but mentally it's been hell.
I feel trapped even though logically I know I shouldn't feel depression, anger, resentment.
Has anyone been in anything close to this?
Keep seeking out supports for yourself. Do you have a good Doctor? Can access any talk therapy? Not the let's go back to look at your childhood analysis stuff, but more of a Councellor or Social Worker for goals & life transistion issues.
Living in a home that is full of stuff & needs a lot of maintenance.. a good friend of mine was there. Now downsized to a smaller place with a small courtyard & easy walk to shops. Was a big task to do (& needed much hired help) but so worth it.
Hope you can find a new pathway to revive your spark & joy in life.
You were a caregiver for some time and did it well under very difficult circumstances. Your father's illness has been dealt with. He is thriving and that is because of you.
Now it is time for you to accept the credit for doing that and take up a life of your own. Your father's care needs can be met by hired caregivers now.
Sometimes, it can be hard and frightening to venture out and try a different life post caregiving. Even when a caregiver wants out and is resentful and hate caregiving, they remain in it because they feel guilt. It's a settled life though. It's the same drudgery day in and day out, but it's settled and you know it. Breaking away from it can be hard. Not impossible though.
Start with a few hours a week of homecare. Make your father do for himself where he is able to. Then you start going out. Take a class, join a club, anything. You will slowly extract yourself from the role of caregiver and back into the role of being you.
Give yourself the gift of independence and start breaking away.
It won't be easy and you will probably get a lot of resistance from your father and even other family members, but will be worth it.
You are worth it.
Why "shouldn't" you feel what you are feeling?
Does the fact that your mom told you to do something years ago mean you have to do it?
What are Dad's impairments that make him unable to care for himself?
Can you train for a job that doesn't require physical exertion?
Are you getting treatment for your depression to anxiety and OCD?
I have applied to 500 jobs or more since 2016. I live in Appalachia. The only job I got was in the spring of 2022 as a car salesman. The same week dad was diagnosed. So I didn't take the job.
On the self care front, I Have depression and harm OCD. There are no qualified therapists around here except one, and she's an hour away and has a 3 month wait.
I am the only sibling not married, without children. It's logical I should do this. But I didn't expect the resentment to set it. I tried to resist it.
My aunt told me I might have caregiver burnout and I need to take a break. But how? Who gets the groceries? Who monitors?
I'm just in a very odd position. Thanks for your reply.
He recovered and your resentment and anger are there because you now realize you may have to continue taking care of him at the same capacity you have been for God knows how much longer.
All the doctors appointments, cooking, cleaning and a million other things you have to do for him. It.makes me tired just thinking about it.
You know this is something you can't do physically, emotionally and financially.
Now it is up to you to pivot and change your caregiving to transitioning to being his son again.
You have to get back to work and trying to have a life. If dad needs extra help he will have to hire help or go into a facility.
What I am upset about, I think, is that I was hoping to have a more established life and have more things in order before he got sick. I was hoping for more time. And yes I'm worried about doing this long term, but only because I am worried about how bad it may get , having to make the hard decisions, and what will happen to me after.
I do need to have more of a life. I agree with you on this. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Thanks for your comment.
You accomplished so much in all the support you provided for your dad - so I hope that provides some feeling of relief. And the last thing you should feel is selfish - you're actually quite the opposite - you've been very selfless. And you have every right to experience the other feelings you're having, so please don't feel guilty for that or suppress yourself - it's important to work thru that.
If you're feeling resentment or anger for time lost, you can actually use those emotions as a motivator in taking next steps to change and improve your life. It can actually work FOR you. That can be your driving force because you have a lot more life to life and you have the power to make it better. Just taking little steps - day by day.
Due to life situations, many people have taken reprieves from their livelihood for an extended period of time - and can later resume a career. It's understandable. And currently, many jobs can also be done remotely. This can be a new chapter for you and you still have your whole life in front of you. Just be easy on yourself - treat yourself well - and this is not it for you - it's a new beginning.
Don't let your past experiences be a deterrent to looking for new opportunities.
Also, please read this:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
I didn't suggest that you move - but you CAN work remotely for a company located anywhere globally, and you can work from home - and there are numerous job seeking sites that specialize in remote work (you can google the sites). You need to focus on your positive strengths - the fact that you've accomplished care giving roles for the past number of years - from the administrative to the financial aspects - to the hands-on care. That's really important and these skills can be utilized. Rather than leave a 10yr gap on your resume, you should detail this as an actual position - and anything else you've accomplished during this time. It's how you present this in an interview - it's very honorable what you've accomplished and I hope you see it as that.
You need to "shift" your attitude and way of thinking. Act "as if" you are confident and enthusiastically approaching your next role. You're bringing in more experience than someone less senior and there are companies that will value that. And yes, companies like Amazon hire remotely for positions like customer service/support - and I know others who've had life changes and time gaps in their resumes and it wasn't an obstacle being hired there.
I've "walked the walk" - I'm not giving you any advice that I haven't followed myself during my own hard times. I don't know anyone who hasn't had to pick themselves up after some type of challenge or hardship. It's not always easier for women regarding employment - it's still pretty much a "man's world."
- expand your resume, as I had mentioned
- re-frame what you're saying in an interview and your mindset of negatives (fake it til you make it)
- try to seek out job sites for remote jobs
truly wishing you all the best - you'll get there
Everything you listed about yourself healthwise is a legit disability, I think, under Social Security Disability. I have been thru the process with my Nephew who was born disabled.
You first apply, get turned down, then get a SS Lawyer. The lawyer is paid from the retro moneys you receive, it was 25% may have gone up. Retro is from the time you apply and the time you receive it. So if it takes a year, and you win, you are paid from the date of application to the time ur approved. This is one lump sum with the lawyers fees deducted then payment is received once a month. Your age is a plus now.
I had to provide every doctor record on my nephew. For you, you need paperwork for your back from a doctor. Maybe see a Physical Therapist to document that you can't stand for any length of time (a problem my nephew has plus can't lift over 25 lbs). A doctor to document your OCD and anxiety. I did a lot of work for the initial application and still needed that lawyer which I was told thats how it works.
Since u have applied for SSD twice, now its time to find a lawyer that is versed in SS law. Let him tell you what you need to win your case. You have more than one disability here. You have Medicaid, just need to try and use doctors who except it. I went to my State Disabilities dept and they had nephew tested to see what he was capable of doing and they paid for it. Once you get disability, u can work as long as you stay under the cap set, which was 14k when nephew received SSD I think its 17k now. That would be a nice p/t job.
There are threads on this forum where you can talk about other things. One is My Whine Moment and another is On My Mind. Maybe you should try these threads.
People are responding with possible solutions because they care about your well being.
No one is intentionally trying to upset you. I understand that when you’re at your wits end that it can be difficult and overwhelming for you to read the various responses.
None of us have walked in your shoes and we can’t possibly understand what you’re going through. We do empathize with your situation though. Please know that you are welcome to continue to share how you feel.
Many of us have found comfort on this site. I wish you the very best and truly hope that you will find relief from all of the frustration and pain that you are experiencing.
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