Is this all there is to life?

Good! :)

Childhelp is a a major US-based National Child Abuse Hotline. And I know exactly what you're thinking... "woah! I'm not being abused!"

But you are. Let me explain. You're not being *intentionally* abused. But you are experiencing abuse: your emotional needs are not being met, not because your father is a bad father but because he is overwhelmed; and your educational needs have gone under a bus. Both of those things constitute abuse.

I can't help with research because I don't know what state you are in and I don't think you should be sharing that much detail online in an adults' forum. But Childhelp you can trust, and you can call them on 1-800-422-4453, and they should be able to signpost you to relevant services.

It will help if you can be clear about what you're asking for. You don't want your Dad in trouble, you want him to be helped. You want your family to stay together. You want support to help keep you all together. So what you need is advice about where to look and who to talk to.

My personal short-term dream is that someone can get you a place in a summer school so you can do some catching up...

First steps first. Call that number, and don't worry if you lose your nerve or don't know what to say, these people will guide you.

You guys sure do know how to make me question my entire existence lol.

I've given a lot of though to what you guys are saying. I think I could try calling an anonymous place, and see where that goes and how I feel about it. I was wondering where I should call? I tried looking up it and there's no use, there is either too many or none.

So if you could maybe refer me to some, I'd really appreciate it.

Again, Thank you for all your love and support.
Ana

These ladies are right in saying He has already answered; many times over. The part to learn is how to recognize it, like cmagnum explained in her story. These signs can be as quiet, yet powerful, as the wind. Most of us have already been there as being teens and growing in time to learn how God works. And the beautiful part is we never stop learning.

At a very minimum, the 2 toddlers should be living in foster care and your father should be getting more help from outside. Your brother and sister should be helping with housework. Laundry is EASY to do and they should do it. They can wash dishes, load a dishwasher, etc. I was doing all those things at age 10.

Daughterof1930 - you took the words out of my mouth!

So, dear Ana Banana,
You are so very young. Just here to say that I went to my school counselor at age 16.

I did what they suggested, and removed myself from a bad situation, moving in with the parents of my high school friends.  I then worked part-time to pay a little rent.

This might not be you......but I never went back to my parent's home. I did finish high school at night school and received a GED (within 2 years of leaving 11th grade).
At college, ( Jr. College, I received a 4.0 grade point average). Alpha Gamma Sigma.

The stress you are living under can make you feel stupid. Looking back about my grades, my counselor discovered that I was not failing, but had good average and "B" grades throughout. Someone had told me I was failing. Even though I must have seen my report cards, the belief was set in my mind that I was not worthy.

If my mother were alive today, she would likely be ordering me to get up from across the room, and hand her the ashtray, sitting right in front of her, as it was on the coffee table.

You can do this.  God will not leave you as an orphan.  Says that somewhere in the bible.

My regret is not that I left, but that I did not take my little sister with me when I was able to break free. But she also survived, living with others.

Ana; asking for help is scary in these sorts of situations because it means big changes...you can't predict how things will change but Ana, the chance it leads to better things is worth however scary that change seems now.

Maybe start by calling an anonymous help line; you don't need to share more than you are comfortable telling them and they specialize in delicate family situations. There are anonymous online chats too, just make sure it's run by a regulated mental health program.

You've already been strong enough to post here reaching out for help, so I know you're able to ask them for help too!

Yes, CMagnum.
The story, as I heard it, each time the person said: "I am waiting on God"

God answered, I sent you a truck announcing the need to evacuate, you didn't leave; I sent you a boat, and you would not get in, lastly, I sent you a helicopter and you would not grab the rope while you stood on the roof of your house.

Who do you think sent you those things?

Ana, your have done SO much in your life, and been through so much more than many people have ever been through, and done a darn good job. You are so brave, and you are strong, and God can give you the courage and the strength to take the next step, for you and for your family. Like someone mentioned, the people you call will have resources available to help all of you, so that you don't have to do this alone anymore.

I want to say thank you for being you, for being the kind, caring, wise young lady that you are.

I know sometimes it seems like God is silent, especially when things are so overwhelming, but in my experience it's often been like the footprints in the sand where He's carrying me, getting me through each and every day, and holding my hand on the way to the next destination in my journey. He's right there with you, carrying you too, and He'll never leave you.

You're going places, girl. You are getting there with your school, and I want to wish you luck on your exams coming up. It is so good to hear from you. Do continue to keep us posted.

There is a fictitious story of a man who died and went to heaven. He asked God why he didn't save him from the flooding river? 

God answered, I sent you a truck announcing the need to evacuate, you didn't leave; I sent you a boat, and you would not get in, lastly, I sent you a helicopter and you would not grab the rope while you stood on the roof of your house.

The moral of the story is that God often answers us through human help like this thread. 

Please take our advice and be saved from the flood of your unhealthy situation. Believe that you are important and take care of yourself, otherwise you are going to drown.

I'm sitting in a dentist's chair sadly reading your post, Ana. I also understand how you are feeling about God not answering you right now, but trust that He does see all. Saying this may not feel it's helping right now; told you it might not at this age as it will sink in over time that things are done in His time. In the meantime, I'll tuck that away and just say your family is being foul and unfair, to say the least. And I've been there; going through it now, but at least I have choices as a waay grown adult. 

Speaking of, let me warn you years ahead that if you don't plan ahead, you will grow and be free for a long time but it can come full circle and you'd be back taking care of them like you're a teen again! Don't let this happen to you! 

You know how? Don't let them guilt-trip you. Start practicing that today, 'cause it can take alot of time to break free of their mental chains they have on us. You can even tell them you felt unappreciated yesterday for all that's been heaped on you as if you were somebody's mother! 

No matter what, keep posting. It will help set you free. Gotta go. Waiting to get drilled on. Yikes!

Ana, you’ve asked God for help and He has answered. He’s directed you to seek advice here, and you’ve been given much wise advice. God often speaks through others. Now ask Him for strength to take the next steps in changing your life situation. He didn’t send you here for nothing

Thank you all so much. I hope the mothers out there had a happy mother's day yesterday, you can imagine why I wasn't online much then.

I've given a lot of thought to what you all say about calling someone and getting help - I even looked up a few numbers. I'm scared though if I'm being truthfully honest. That I'll be betraying him. I'll be betraying my younger siblings, and even myself? What if that isn't the right thing to do? What if everything gets worse?

Thank you InMyShoes, I took a look at those sites you linked and they seem to be very helpful - I hope to get a closer look after school. :D

I have asked God for help, for a long time. It just kinda seems like he isn't listening anymore - or ever. I'm not really sure what to do about that. I'll ask for help and I can't even get a sign that he is saying no???

I also decided to wait until summer to get a job. You all are right, it would be waayyy too much stress - especially with exams coming up.

And a bit of a rant:

So, yesterday was not my favorite day. It was mother's day - we spent it with my mother and everything. She got the mother's day cards and gifts and hugs, thanks and more. My dad took credit for playing the motherly role, saying Happy Mother's Day to himself. I put a smile on the whole day. I was waiting for someone to tell me thank you, I remember being little and changing my brother's diaper - I couldn't be much older than 6 or 7. I took on the role of mother, not my dad, and not my mom. She left us, and my siblings just forgive her and act like this is all normal?? - It truly hurts. It's like I'm doing all of this for nothing. The sleepless nights, nothing. The meals I cook, for nothing.

A few months ago I went to this birthday party thing with a girl I barely knew, it was like a sleep over. When I got back, my sister told me I should thank her for letting me go.

I don't even feel like my own person anymore. When I'm around people who aren't my family, I don't know what to say. I don't seem to have a working brain outside of recipes and wound changing procedures. It's like my whole life, I've done nothing. And for what? To be told I don't enough, my best isn't actually the best. To have a terrible report card, and no friends? It's pathetic. I'm tired of it.

Anyway, Thank you, so much. It means the world you are all here to listen,
Ana

Dear Ana
  
Here is a good article from AgingCare.

Children and Teens: The Overlooked Caregivers No One Ever Talks About

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-no-one-ever-talks-about-165631.htm

The American Association of Caregiving Youth 
http://www.aacy.org

You will find that you are not alone. 

No one thinks about children when they think about caregivers. It's hard being a caregiver when you're an adult let alone a child. I helped my parents take care of my sick brother when I was young. I could never have done by myself. Please look for some support for you and your family.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 
  

Dear Anna Banana (that's the cutest name),

Have been busy with my work and  studies, but I have come to know your story and really glad that you found this board. Still dealing with deadlines, but I needed to take a moment to show my support. As a much older student, but student nevertheless :), I understand what it's like to need your study time. Especially at your age, you need to get that diploma. Like those that said on the board, it's your ticket out and your future at stake. I don't like the fact that you are made to have to do so much while also finding a way to stand up for yourself. I am sometimes finding it overwhelming as an adult!

What I will say is to hang in there, pray to God and ask Him to take the wheel, if you haven't already. This way you will have done what you can in the meantime, and leave the rest to Him once you have given him this permission. And I hope that you will see those changes start to happen. Just be patient and keep the faith because He works in his own time. Believe me I am not a church person; not that that's good or bad.  I am saying this because I have really seen miracles happen in my life because of Him and along with helping myself, is the reason I am still standing. Some people, especially family members, will try to make you feel guilty for thinking about your own well-being too. Just remember that saying, "God helps those who helps themselves".

At 16 years old I wasn't paying all of this any mind like I am now, so I wanted you to hear and remember it. Because you were made to grow up so fast you might already be one to talk to Him. Just know this is too big for you to solve alone. Keep praying, keep up the school work, and keep reaching out. You are very wise already and in time your life will improve because of all these factors. God will help to transport you out of this mess you did not create. I won't say Happy Mother's Day because you are not; you are a wonderful sounding young lady who deserves the mothering at this stage in her life! But I do wish you a wonderful day and only more to come. :)

Your very right xenajada when i was 16 the most i had to worry about was the prom and current boyfriend and friends. Thats what being a teenager is all about. I wish u would listen to these wonderful people ana and get some help. I believe you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Take care of yourself.

Dear Ana,

What I think matters the most is that you get to realize that what you are living is not normal. You might think it is just a terrible situation resulting from misfortune, and that you’re exhausted, but in a corner of your mind you might still think it is “normal” for you to do what is being expected from you.
Yet it is simply not Ana.

I know the word “abuse” seems terrible and not really a good fit or a fair definition for your situation, because your dad, your brother nor anybody else in your house want to deliberately cause you damage or, plainly put, abuse you. Yet here is where Countrymouse brought up a key point, your dad absolutely loves you! He is not thinking nor intending to abuse you in any way! Same goes to everybody else in your house...BUT the problem is, they are Ana. Unintentionally, but they are.

Abuse is not defined by intention, but by actions or lack of action.

And while I personally think that almost all caregivers are abused in some way, shape or form, the difference between you and me and most other caregivers on this site..and in the world..is that we are adults, while you’re still a very young person trying to survive!

We, as adults, decide how much abuse to take..if any! Or how to handle or process abuse, or we decide to make changes so the situation stops being abusiive, placing a loved one in an outside care facility for example.
While you simply don’t have those options or tools. And although you might not understand this clearly yet, this situation will affect the rest of your life, therefore it is critical to change it, really Ana!

I also encourage you to make an effort -a huge effort I know- to gather the courage and make the decision to look for someone, an adult, that can help you find a viable solution. I know you said there’s no one, but I really hope you listen to us and take an step back and look around again. You’re extremely mature for your age, and I can tell you’re very intelligent (school grades in your situation don’t define intelligence!) so I trust you will really think again and find someone that can help you figure out how to help or find appropriate help. This situation is simply bigger than you.

Your dad is a human being and he is trying to do his best...yet his best is far from what is the best for his family and himself. It is hard to say this, or read this, or accept this, but it is true. He needs help Ana, and not the type of help he thinks he needs. It is not about you helping him with the business, or cleaning the house, or watching after all toddlers and teenagers in the house...that is NOT the type of help that is needed.

Please realize this. You can make a phone call, anonymously as many have mentioned, so you can hang up if you feel the conversation is not what you expected it to be. You can talk to someone that you think is a good person to talk things over.

Nothing like that will cause any damage to your family, on the contrary, it might help you all a GREAT deal Ana, you won’t know if or how until you try. Don’t be afraid Ana, give it a try!

May God bless you and give you all the strength and wisdom you need :)

Don't let your feelings of love for your dad or any other family member keep you from doing what you need to do for yourself!

Ana, just now catching up on your story. You’ve received much wise and helpful advice and though I know it must feel overwhelming to put any of it into actual action, I really hope you’ll summon the courage to do so. This is simply no way for you to live, and it’s not selfish or wrong in any way to change it. For someone to talk to, consider going to your local high school and asking to speak to the guidance counselor. They are well trained and knowledgeable about resources to help your life. Please don’t let this keep going as is, it’s not just bad for you, but for all those younger than you

This is one of those posts I get to late on, read everyone's responses, and find my eyeballs are swivelling and I'm wondering if I woke up on a different planet this morning.

Ana, you have been brainwashed and you and your siblings are undergoing a quite extreme, abusive experience of childhood.

You need to understand this crucial point. Read it, think about it, and pin it to your brain:

Abuse is abuse, EVEN IF IT IS UNINTENTIONAL.

Your father loves his children. He wishes to protect you all. He wants his family to live in a good home where they are well cared for. He is not a bad man.

What has happened is that:

your father has been seriously disabled
under the strain, your mother abandoned her family
you were brainwashed into believing that this meant you had to take her place.

That's the key error. Putting it right means going back to that point, right there, and starting anew.

CPS will not take you away from your family. They will not punish anyone (although they will certainly have some well chosen words to express, I dare say). What they will do is put a package in place so that your father, you and your siblings start getting the support to which you are all entitled.

Think on this: how is the VA supposed to help if your dad lies through his teeth about what his needs are?

Do me one favour. Call CPS or any child support helpline anonymously and ask their advice. Do that today. Don't be afraid.

I just want to cry for this poor soul every times I read her posts. She should be having fun with friends, going to prom, etc. Instead she is being treated like a servant, maid, childcare. Who the hell brings a toddler niece over on Fridays to ADD to the already huge pile of stress this poor girl is dealing with?

Dear Ana,

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs. What an incredible young woman you are. So responsible! But it is clear there is a breaking point. I know you love your dad and you are doing the very best you can. But please try and speak to a social worker or family therapist. There has to be options. At your age school should be your priority.

I know its not easy. I was a lot like you, always putting my mother, father and siblings first. But hopefully talking to a social worker or church worker will help you explore all your options.

We are all with you!

Ana
You write very well, so I hope that some of your coursework lets you explore your creative side

I used to be quite involved with an organization that did work with abused and neglected kids and had folks who also did community outreach for families at risk

I wish you had a counselor or social worker to go to for guidance

It is one thing to be a responsible hard working young person, and it is quite another to be held responsible for the well being and care of children when you are not their guardian

We all want to help you and see you thrive so keep coming back and maybe the collective wisdom will find an idea you are comfortable exploring

Hi Ana,
Frazzle said all I wanted to say. You can do it.
Hang in there.
We love you Ana!

Ana, I know it must be heart wrenching to decide because you feel such a deep sense of responsibility. There is a way that only you know, a right time and circumstance to act upon. I pray you find the courage and strength to articulate it to reality. Listen to inspiring music or take a few minutes each morning to get pumped up about your future. Small steps and patience go a long way - every bit counts. Not even wild horses can keep you from what you are destined to become. Rooting for you!

Hi Ana,

First of all, big hugs and great job to you on your school work! You've got this! Before you know it, it'll be 20 lessons, then 10 lessons, then you'll be done. That is so awesome!

Your last line, "I can stop being everyone's caregiver and they hate me for it" stuck out to me. I think that is exactly what you should do. Sounds like they are going to gripe and complain no matter what. Let them be mad. I seriously doubt they would hate you, they would just be angry. But they can get glad in the same shoes they got mad in. You have to be able to take care of you and your school too, and your needs matter as much as theirs do. Trust me, if you step away, they will find a way to get stuff done. Can you just leave all day and not come back until evening, or just lock yourself in your room and not come out?

I know what I just said may seem like it's not possible right now, but it is doable, even if you are still living in the same house as them. Think of it like going on strike. It's time your brother and any other adults step up to the plate and give you a break.

Keep up the awesome work with your school, girl! Let us know how everything goes.

I totally agree with Barb. Call child protective service as soon as possible and tell them what you have shared here. I'm surprised with as much school work as you have missed and your grades going up and down that no one from school has inquired about how things are at home. 

This is child abuse and educational abuse, at least in my jurisdiction.

Hi All,

Thanks for your kind responses. I've defenitly needed them the last few days. Yesterday was the worst out of all this week. But it's over - so I'm trying to make the best of today. My dad's medicine was refilled so hopefully it'll be a little more peaceful this month.

My nephews also went home for a few days, they'll be back a bit later today but it was nice to have some relief. I'm doing better school. I have most A's and B's, I'm only 42 lessons behind. Which a few weeks I was around 80 lessons and had most Fs. So go me! Right?

This morning, my dad sat down our caregiver and my siblings and I to talk about the house. This happens almost once a month, the day after his meds are filled, like clockwork. It's useless because nobody is actually listening and there are never any results. It's hard participating because I feel as if he's degrading my work. He says that I don't try to keep up with the house, that the orders are piling over - but it isn't true. Last week, I skipped out on school to do the orders for his business, this caused many late nights of homework. I do my best to keep up with house, but with two toddler boys, a toddler niece that comes over usually Fridays, and two siblings who are practically teenagers, and all four of them combined can make a huge mess - that I, one person, trying to balance life and school, and basically everything. If I try to speak up, I usual get interrupted by any of them or over talked.

I feel hopeless, like I can either continue to work my butt off with care giving and school, and get insulted and degraded over it, or I can give up and stop being everyone's caregiver and then they hate me for it.

I don't see a win here for me.

Ana, I'm so glad to see your updates in here! I know exactly what you mean about nothing super worrisome, and nothing super great, I have those days with my mom too.

It's sometimes nice to just to have a few moments of calm where you can breathe without the noise and the chaos.

I understand being reluctant or worried to talk to anyone.  I know you care deeply about your family.  The great thing about Al-Anon and other 12 step groups is you can remain anonymous.  Most people go by their first name only, unless you choose the give someone your full name.  Same for when you call the 800 number, in fact you don't even have to give your name, the person on the line is just a listening ear for you to talk to that provides support and the volunteers also may have personal experience with caregiving, and just related to your situation.  I know you had mentioned your mom was a heavy drinker, and I know that can be hard and heartbreaking to deal with as well as the overall situation at home.  You need healthy outlets for your feelings as well, and I'm glad you found this page too.

I'm cheering you on, and want to encourage you in your school too.  Girl, you can do this! :)  If you can get a couple hours a day like Caringfordoc mentioned and focus on your work, you can get there little by little.  A saying someone told me once when I was feeling overwhelmed that I've never forgotten is "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."

You are doing great, and just want to send big hugs to you.  Keep coming back and letting us know how you're doing!