Is this all there is to life?

Anna, your situation and going to high school online is very isolating which is not good for you in your situation. Thus, I wish you were in public school.

Do make that phone call soon if you have not already.

Dear Anna,

I just read your most recent posts because I have been busy dealing with my caregiving journey and haven’t been online. Your post about Mother’s Day made me tear up because I feel for you, and you’re so absolutely right in all you say and how you feel about the whole situation: You, my sweet girl, are a mother of too many! including your parents. A mom without recognition.

Thankfully your last post about making the decision to call anonymously made me take a deep breath of relief and say: YES!!! Good for you!!

Let me tell you Ana, there is a ZERO chance that the phone call will cause any damage to your family. And it is NOT betraying your dad, it’s actually all the opposite, although it might not seem like it, but one cannot betray anyone by looking for help for you and for them.

What you will obtain is simply information, and information will always empower you Ana!
After you make that call, first you might feel guilty because it is something important that you are doing without consulting your dad, but trust us, it is for his own good and the good of all your family.

I promise no one here (and there are a lot of people commenting on this thread) is trying to misguide you. We are trying to give you tools so you can take steps to change an unbearable situation and to build in you the courage you need to help yourself and your family.

I’ll be praying for you Ana! and please trust that God listens, He truly does, always! And He has been helping you all along, if he wasn’t you could not possibly be the mature, considerate, responsible and good hearted young woman you are. Remember we all can go through the same situation but be affected very differently. I assure you that your strength, courage, patience and willingness to sacrifice yourself for others did not come from any place other than God’s heart and God’s love acting in your life Ana! He will also guide you through your journey ahead, starting with the phone call you’ll make. Believe that, because it is true :)

May He bless you, protect you, enlighten you and guide you and us as we provide advice to you!

Please continue to keep us updated. I have thought about your situation frequently. There are so many disturbing stories on this website and your story has really tugged at my heart, I guess because it reminds me a lot of what my father endured as a child.

It seems like everytime I'm ready to take action, I'm finally gonna step up, something just has to crumble it all.

On my bus route home from my morning job, I go by a school - one I could easily go and talk to their counselor. I was gonna do it Monday. I was also gonna call somewhere anonymous while I was out.

Today, I was told by my "boss" that she had to let me go, and she couldn't pay me.

So, not only do I have no where to go now, I have no money. I'm gonna look around for openings around my house and hope to get an official job soon.

There's so much going on, and I can't keep up with it all.

I'm falling behind in school again, and my grades are slipping. I can't even get a straight answer from my adviosry teacher about summer school.

I talked to my dad about it, he suggested doing a summer program - but they don't give you any credits. I told him that I HAD to get credits, in order to hopefully graduate on time. He said something really hurtful, "It's not my problem". I was a bit shocked, I responded with a masked chuckle and said that true, it wasn't his - but it was my problem. He proceed to just give me a simple yeah and continue talking about the program that doesn't offer credit.

I literally have no say, I'm afraid that I won't graduate. It's stressing me out to the max. I have no weekends off, I don't take a spring break. None of my work pays off.

Sorry this was such a downer post, I just have a lot to vent - and no one to vent to. So thank you all for listening.

Thank you for your kind messages, I'll also try to keep you all updated more.
Ana

Ana, how did the fact that you were let go by someone who ought not to have been employing you and who then did not pay you the wages you were due, which should give you a clue as to your employment prospects if you continue on your current path...

how did this *prevent* you from turning into the school and speaking to a counsellor?

I'll tell you. Because you jumped ahead to asking yourself how you were going to earn your living, find somewhere to live, get to school, graduate, get away and live your entire life, all at once, and it was too difficult.

Stop trying to change everything at once all by yourself. We're urging you to take the first, one step.

Ana, call the local high school today and make an appointment to see a guidance counselor on Monday. If they need a reason, tell them that you would like to talk about enrollment.

Have you ever heard the term " emancipated minor"? Google it.

What is the reason you can't live with your mom, by the way?

Perhaps you AND your sister? Has she indicated that she can't care for you?

Barb,

Here are some statements that Ana has shared about her mother that may answer why she does not go live with her.

"My mom left us and all the responsibility went to me."

(Most women take their children with them when they leave their husband. )

"My mother isn't a very reliable resource, she has a job from 2 pm to 11pm, and she's a heavy drinker with a few boyfriends on the side."

I don't think discussion of Ana's mother is helpful to Ana.

Ana was ten years old when her father first suffered disability and the marriage fell apart. We have no idea what was going on or why Ana's mother made the choices she did or what impact the events may have had on any of the individuals involved.

Let's stick to where Ana might go with the resources she's got in hand.

Hi Ana,

Come and vent anytime, we are here for support. It's good to hear from you, and I'm sorry for all the stress you've been under.

Can you take the bus back over there by that school (or even another school if there's one close by) and go in and talk to someone? Barb had a good point about calling and making an appointment time, that way you're sure to catch someone in the office.

Like you mentioned, you can also make the phone call while you're out.

I know all of this feels overwhelming, but just take things one step at a time. The call is the first, most important step because that can open doors for other kinds of help for you, like with school, help for your family, etc.

You're not alone, and you don't have to do this all alone.

Hugs to you, let us know how it goes.

Dear Ana,

I’m assuming the problem about losing your job (beside the obvious economical impact) is that now you have no excuse to leave your house?

If I’m correct, then maybe delay sharing with your dad that you lost your job and go next week, early next week, and find a quiet place to make the anonymous phone call you were going to make. That I think is the most appropriate first step in your situation. It is anonymous and you won’t have to talk to anybody in person, just collect information.

If you already told your dad that you lost your job then just find another excuse to leave the house for a while...but do it Ana!!

In your situation procrastination has serious consequences, and you and your dad and the rest of your family are suffering them daily.
Once you take the fist step you will feel relieved! Probably nervous too, and like I mentioned before you might feel guilty as well, but please fight those feelings and convince yourself of the truth: There is NOTHING to feel,guilty about, and there is NOTHING wrong with making the phone call.

Find the courage Ana! That’s way more important than losing or getting a new job now.

Praying for you!!! And trusting you’ll find the will and the way!!!

Ana,
You are getting so much advice. I bet it is quite overwhelming. Take a deep breath and think for a moment what does Ana truly want.

Do you just want a place to vent, where people listen and care?
or, Do you seek advice for how to make your situation better?
Or, Do you want help getting out of your situation?
Or, Do you want encouragement and strength to endure and just get through your situation?

Truly what is Ana wanting?
 this is not all there is to life.
You are loved Ana
I am praying for you, and God does hear you. Sometimes when we think HE is not listening, HE has something in the works for us. All things work together for good to them that love the Lord.
Hang in there.

Thinking about you, Ana. Just take one day at a time, keep your head up, and do what you need when you are ready. In fact, get alot of sleep; steal sleeping moments wherever possible. I say this because sometimes when you have been feeling down for a long time, you may need to build up your physical and mental strength so you can make moves. You still being young is a big plus, but you have no doubt been feeling alot older. I will pray you get your sleep and rejuvenation. 

👩‍🎓--And this will be you soon enough.

Wow! I’m speechless at your courage and maturity. When I think of the college students I taught Who complained about having to provide bed baths to patients as part of their education makes me want to just hug you and smack the entitlement out of them. I hope you found a way to get some help. If you need to just vent everyone on this board is here for you if you want. Pm me if you need to talk. Remember that you have a right to the pursuit of happiness. Don’t give that up. Understandably, in a tight spot because you do live your dad and have shown it as well as the way you protect your siblings. I’m a navy widow and understand the VA(virtually anything else but help). If you need some pointers on how to negotiate to get assistance. Pm me. The most effective one is to talk to the CHAPLIN stationed at the local VA.HE is seriously like god in the material and the only person I know of who can halt troop movement to assist a family in crisis ( it happened for me) call and talk to him. It stays confidential.

Sorry about typos me and my phone don’t like each other. That was supposed to read. Talk to the Chaplin at the VA. THEY ARE ALL POWERFUL in the military and can really make miracles happen.

You are amazing and caring and kind. But you are also stuck. Your dad has a caregiver who doesn't help. What agency are they from? If they are not helping, you can and need to call the agency if you try to make the following changes and it doesn't work. You are obviously mature enough to make this work. You should make the caregiver's hours into your Ana Hours. You need to make a list of the things that the caregiver needs to do for your dad while they are there and present them to the caregiver in a nice way, just explaining that these are his needs from the caregiver. It is why they are paid to be there. Then make yourself unavailable for those hours. Work out the babysitting hours around the caregiver hours or change the caregiver hours around the babysitting hours. At this point, it is almost summer, and if you are failing those online classes, you should arrange a talk with the school counselor and tell them what is going on, and why you are failing. You should get them to help you formulate a plan for the fall, and give it up for this quarter. Take those few hours that the caregiver is there, and get out of the house! Get a little respite and life for yourself, (stay out of trouble :) ) and recharge your batteries, for fall when you return to school. Work with the caregiver agency so that you can use those 3 hours daily in the fall for your online classes. (Or maybe you just need to return to school in the fall and not be so amazingly grown up--does the family Really need the dollars you make at your early morning job? Could everyone do with a little less? Work out the budget.) I am wishing you all the luck in the world. Just remember, although this is a big percentage of your young life, if you just hang in there, it can be just a small percentage of a long and happy life ahead.

It will all be okay in the end...and if it isn't okay...then it isn't the end.
Hugs and best wishes.

Dear Ana,
I am feeling badly because I wrote that last post after just reading your first post. There is a lot of information between your first post and here. In any case, I agree you need a summer job, mainly because you need to get some Ana time and resources. You don't need to discuss your college plans with your dad. You will be of age and your younger sister will be old enough to take over. It is normal and natural for you to have a job, move out and go to junior college when you graduate. And even if you don't graduate on time, it would still be normal and natural to move out and have a job, finish your high school or, depending on your state, possibly test out of high school when you reach 18. Your family will get over it...your sister will learn to appreciate you a lot then, when she realizes the load you have carried for all these years. And I realize how impossible it is to get siblings to help you without abandoning and pushing them into your position, but the caregiver is paid to help, so think of everything possible that you can list for the caregiver and make sure they do it. If they don't do it to your dad's satisfaction, stick up for yourself and tell them exactly how your dad needs it done. They are paid to do so. The caregiver's is an agency that can be worked with to get you some respite without risking anything of your family situation. And during school, if you have a laptop, I think the suggestion someone made of a McDonald's or Starbucks is a seriously good one for several hours daily while the caregiver is there. Wishing you a good weekend...

Ana, this site is full of posts from women aged 60 asking how to cope with an 85 year old mother they love but who expects them to jump immediately at every request. Next they say how guilty they feel if they say no, and how they get told off for saying it. The answer for them is the same for you. While you jump, they have no incentive to change. You have to set limits.

Some of your problems may be too hard to change, but some of them are because other people are making unreasonable requests. Sort out which are which, and say no whenever you can. You can’t jump to help your Dad run a business (‘the orders are piling up’?), as well as all the rest of it. Buy some earplugs and close the door, so that you don’t hear every call. It’s cheap and simple.

Regarding school, the advice is good, but don’t feel desperate if it doesn’t happen. Check out the GED option. Most places have a system to fast-track bright young people who have missed out on school for some reason, with special entrance to higher education. I’ve read every post, and I just found your first spelling error… you will get that education!

In fact, don’t feel desperate about ANYTHING. Trust in your own strength, work out which bits of advice you can use, and start one thing at a time. Love and good wishes, Margaret

You guys did it once again, made me think over everything. Thanks. LOL.

I'm doing a lot better today. I had a talk with my dad about schooling, and how I seriously need to graduate. Not just for resumes, applications, but for myself. It would make me really proud - to know I was able to pull it off through the midst of everything. We looked into a different program of schooling. It isn't online, but I would still get credits, the few I have now could roll over into it and the school is year round if I want. So, I could totally catch up during the summer. It's about a thousand a year, and that's why I was so reluctant in the past to ask. But I have to do it. My dad said he's willing to pay if that's what it takes for me to graduate. He also told me that he was proud. Which is something I haven't heard in years? He told me he was proud of me, how hard I work, and try. It meant a lot, coming from him. I've always wanted to please him, I felt as if I owed it to him. While, I do. I shouldn't have made that my whole life for so long. I shouldn't have held back for so many years. I wasted nearly three years of being a teenager, cleaning wounds and picking up after everybody but myself. I wasted so long, with a "routine" that was literally from sun up to sun down - the same thing over and over. While, I should've been out there. Pleasing myself. Taking care of myself. Doing things, for myself.

I have a lot to think about. I'm still going to call and see what I can do. I'll also talk to my dad's caregiver and try to work something out. I'll try to get through this year strong and work hard. Next year, I'm gonna try to do things differently as well. Putting my foot down.

I'm looking for a job now, hoping to make money so I can move ASAP. How much money would be enough to move and be able to survive? I was thinking about 5,000? I have no clue though.

Thank you all,

Ana.

Hi Ana,

So excited to hear the news about the school program, that is great! You can do this, you do owe it to yourself to graduate, and I'm glad to see you standing up for and taking care of yourself, that is so important for you and your wellbeing.

You are an amazing young lady. I know it must have felt great to hear that from your father also, how proud he is of you.

I think definitely your next step should be to make the call to the helpline and see if they can get some help for you and your family so you can concentrate hard on your studies. You'll need the time to devote to your classwork. Also talking to the caregiver will help.

Another resource I came across that might have some good help and information is the American Association of Caregiving Youth. Their toll free number is 800-508-9618.

I understand where you're coming from as far as looking for a job and wanting to move out. However, unless you had a relative or someone to co-sign for an apartment for you, you wouldn't be able to get one under the age of 18. I honestly believe it would be better for you if you called the child helpline to see what type of help they could get into place for you, and focus right now as much as you can on school. A job would probably be overwhelming, especially with all of the other things you are dealing with right now.

I think you are definitely on the right track though with that program, and I'm thrilled that your dad has agreed to pay for the cost and is supporting your efforts with your education.

Keep plugging away, and before you know it you'll be graduated and off to college! :)

Praying for you, you are wise beyond your years, and God's right there with you on your journey through this.

Hi Ana,

How are you doing? Hope things have been a little better?

Spooky, Rosses! I had a long drive yesterday and was on the road wondering how our lovely 16 year old moppet was getting on... :)

Any news, Ana?

Im so glad things are looking up a bit for you . Your really a remarkable girl and deserve the very best. You do need to talk to that paid caregiver though. She needs to pitch in , vacuum , do laundry , etc. What happened to the job offer at subway? Did i miss something? On a bit more practical side. My aunt used to make a week worth of dinners in 2 days on the weekends. I know youd love to get away from recipes but consider meal planning where you can drop something in the slow cooker and maybe eat off it for 2 -3 days. There are breakfasts that you can make in muffin cups and put in freeze to just nuke the next morning . Maybe look for things like that . Maybe the aide can help with some of that. The breakfast thing seems to take almost no time to make . I hope these ideas make your life a little easier Keep us up on how your doing. Oh you know if you look into Churches you can ask about the ladies groups . They might be willing to offer some help w/o cps etc. Maybe do some meals or look after your Dad for a bit while you do school work

Countrymouse, it’s hard to forget this courageous young friend, right? I haven’t visited agingcare lately as life has gotten a little harder, but Ana always comes to mind!

I have to admit that when I worked out how extremely well written Ana’s posts were, I did wonder a little about whether it was indeed a great story. However I would rather be made a fool of than make life worse for someone in real need. On this site, we have love and kindness to share, whatever the situation. If it was all on the level, I hope that Ana finally worked out a game plan and decided to get on with it on her own.

Hi Everyone.

I know I haven't updated in a while, sorry about that. I check back from time to time - start to write an update and then just completely give up, closing the browser, and heading back under the covers of my bed or the couch.

That's where I seem to find myself these days, scribbling barely readable notes for school at my desk or sleeping. For some odd reason I've been on an awful schedule of sleep where I fall asleep around pm and wake up around 10 pm and stay awake until the next day around 3 pm. It's awful. It's like I can't get enough sleep. When I shower, I sit down and just let the water run and usually fall asleep. I'm skipping dinner because I'm dead asleep. It's really inconvenient.

School's almost out, so that's good. I'm having a love to hate and hate to love relationship with Summer School. ( I can't even remember if I mentioned that, lol. But basically I need to do summer school so I can get caught up with credits) Like I know it's going to help me in the long run, but I'm just so tired now, and I'm definitely going to need a job this summer. It's a lot. I know it is, and yet for some reason I keep pushing myself to do these things.

I never did call or talk to anybody. Yes, you guessed it - I'm too tired. It's very energy depriving to lie to my dad and take the bus to a local high school or to get out and make a call.

My nephews haven't been over in a while, though they'll be here early tomorrow. I love them to death, but I dread them coming over now. I hate saying that - I raised those two boys. I cleaned up puke while I, myself was throwing up. I've stayed up when they were teething. I potty trained one and currently am helping potty train the other. It's tiring. Oh, no...there's that word again. It's like a curse word now lol.

I think the only thing keeping me sane right now is writing letters to my future self - in hopes that I finally got my life together, for myself. Also writing short stories has helped. So, at least I'm trying to find some relief - right?

Thank you for the suggestion of meal prepping and stuff, I've definitely thought about it. I'll try to make some time and do that - it sounds like a great idea.

Here I am, stumped. Staring down at the keyboard waiting for something to come out. I have a lot to say - I just don't know how, and when I try to think of how it just disappears.

So for now, thank you my kind friends,

Ana

p.s. i promise this isn't a story - though it would sure make a great one.

Ana,

The last thing we want is for you to feel as if this is yet one more thing you have to take care of during your already busy day! :) So please use this website (and use us too) as you need. Don’t worry if you don’t write very often, the only reason why we ask how you’re doing, or at least the only reason why I asked, is because we sincerely care about you and your wellbeing.

I completely understand the terrible consequences of lack of sleep, as I experience the same problem! But try to get back to a more organized sleep schedule. Make sure you’ve ear plugs handy if needed at night and make sure there’s no unwanted light coming through in your bedroom. Sleep is very important...sadly coming from experience!

Your nephews must be lovely babies, but remember the key word Ana: Boundaries.

You can be loving and caring but remember your time and needs are very important. Your nephews have their father, and he needs to be that for them.

Let everyone take ownership of their role in life. We all chose how many roles we take on, and each role has implications, consequences. If someone becomes a mom or a dad they need to act as such. If someone is an student (like you) studying is priority, among other aspects.

Also want to mention that not having called or talked to anyone yet is not a reason to ever feel you are “disappointing” us, we just suggest ideas we think might help you, but you and only you make the decisions in your life, as only you really know the intricacies of your family and personal life.

I’m very glad you’re hanging in there and wish you the best this summer with school, work..and hopefully some fun!!

May God bless you and keep protecting you Ana! Take good care of yourself:)

Ps: Editing for this PS since you mentioned that your life would make  a great story...And yes! It would. So I think if you ever decide to write a book about your life and all you’ve gone through, it will be a bestseller! Maybe start by keeping a diary!

Big hugs, Ana.

Just letting you know we're still listening and want to hear anything you want to share.

Sixteen year old female with overwhelming age-inappropriate care responsibilities, chaotic sleep patterns and extreme tiredness leading to inability to put one foot in the front of the other. Diagnosis, anyone???

Ana, do any health professionals come to the house to keep an eye on your dad? Or do you accompany him to routine appointments?

There is nothing wrong with YOU. Every single one of the difficulties you are experiencing comes from the circumstances you find yourself in, which were created by other people. I call this unfair and unreasonable. Don't you?

Now there *is* a thought. Easily checked, too - good one!

Not sure when poor Ana would have had five minutes to herself to go out and catch it, mind... :(

Ana, seriously this is worth getting yourself checked out for - mono/infectious mononucleosis/glandular fever, extremely common in young adults - it's a quick, simple blood test and if it should be positive there will be important things you need to be aware of. Not complicated treatments, just Dos and Don'ts.

Call 911 immediately...they will call child protective services for you ...& send who ever you’re caregiving for to hospital...& from hospital they will get placed in a facility...this is child abuse.& you’re being held hostage ...you will free yourself & make a better life for you & your siblings...PLEASE listen to me & let us know what happens as I’m in tears for you. My heart is aching .