I took care of mom (cancer,dementia) and dad (heart,prostate) together for nearly 8 yrs before mom passed. I've been taking care of dad since her passing two years ago come April. I took care of them with very little help from anyone whilst still maintaining a job and a home. At times I would have both of them in the hospital or rehab at the same time. I have begged (on my knees as that is what my sister asked for) for help 6 yrs ago when dad was in ICU and mom at home alone. My sister is an LVN with considerable means (6-7 figure savings) from rich ex divorcing her. She lives 50 miles away and I calculated that for 2016 she gave dad $600/yr/2 ppl for medical bills, prescriptions, food, transport to and from hundreds of doctors appts. between the both of them in one year. Less than $1 a day. The cancer hospital valet alone was over $20. Yet when her grown kids wanted to step up she stopped them by saying she was giving $500/wk but that I was "stealing" it. She has always been closer to dad but dad never corrected her in front of her kids so they believed her. I went from working full time with FMLA to part time and finally disabled and not working. My health has suffered tremendously but father never once even researched my mother's conditions nor his own. He would call me with "emergencies" at 1 am, 2 am, 4 am even though I had to work the following day. He would call me at work too and when I told him to call my nurse sister he said, "But she is working". !!!🤬
He did little to nothing while my malignant narcissist sister destroyed my reputation to the point that I stopped being invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, baby showers etc. I have no family now.
I asked for a family meeting which she refused and screamed that if this was to happen she would have her cop friends outside the door to arrest ANYONE who said anything she didn't like. No meeting ever happened.
Mom lingered in ICU for 6 months prior to passing. It was long and torturous and draining yet dad left every decision, every fight with or discussion with doctors to be my responsibility.
If the doctors at the VA where he was also in ICU for 3 months dared to comment on my being there every single day, he demanded it, my sister told the doctor I was homeless and that's why I was at his bedside.
(I was not) But she was worried about how people would see HER so she said that. That doctor never treated me the same afterwards.
Yes, many times I was a mess. Disheveled clothes, little make up but that is what happens when you average 4 hours sleep a night for yrs. The first few months you trade sleep for doing laundry, sleep for going for that haircut. But after years of little sleep and increasing demands you end up picking sleep over most anything else. And your hair and clothes look unkempt at times, and you begin to look as wretched as you feel. Yet I did it for years. Mostly for my mother, the greatest woman to walk this earth. I would not let her suffer alone. I was in it to the bitter end and dad and sis used that knowledge. Even at mom's cremation my sister had to make a stink and threaten again to have me arrested if I show up as I asked to do a nontraditional prayer with mom. Only 3 minutes, a philosophy she herself embraced years before. After enough wrangling and sis declaring "she won"? Won what? Mom's still dead. The family gathers for their final goodbyes. Her adult kids thank me for caring for her, she smirks and says her and her family are leaving. So dad and I stand there with the body in front of the crematorium. There I say the 3 minute prayer and kiss her goodbye. I ask dad if he wants to say something, nope. Ok. The attendant motions to the button that sends the slab with mom to be cremated. Dad looks at the button then motions me to do it. Yep, thanks dad, even in the final moments you can't be bothered.
Today I said no more. Sis not working, she must take you to 50% of your appointments. Dad says he wants to kill himself so he is no longer a "burden".

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Wow. Your father and sister sound like they are twins. Can you just pack him up and send him to your sister? She sounds like a real b*tch. Total headcase
take for a “visit” and then leave without him
Helpful Answer (3)

Black sheep, how are you doing now? And what is an LVN? It sounds like time to let sister take over, and I mean all of it, while you get yourself healed and better.
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
An LVN is a nurse. Below an RN.
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So sorry to hear you're going through this. I know what it's like to not be the golden child.
Helpful Answer (1)

Oh, theblacksheep, I am so sorry. I thought I had it hard, and I did, and I walked away from my three sisters last year. Like you, I lost my whole family except for one niece and nephew--and I've never been more relieved. My heart bleeds for you. I hope you take Sendhelp's advice to heart.

First, allow yourself the good feelings that you cared for your mother so well, and find out ways to heal your physical, mental, and emotional health. No one else matters but you.

Walk away from your dad and sister. They deserve each other. I'm relieved your family thanked you for caring for your mother. At least they knew what you accomplished.

As far as Twisted Sister's shrieking she'll call the police for silliness or for claiming you stole your dad's money, let her call. She must produce the evidence that you stole it or explain how a family meeting was illegal because she didn't like what people were saying. Police are well aware of family disputes and mentally ill people spewing garbage, and they'd recognize it as such. Frankly, let her make a fool of herself.

Embrace yourself. Believe in yourself and look forward to a new and wonderful life. A big hug to you.
Helpful Answer (5)

Hey, Black Sheep,
You are right, your sister sounds like a malignant narcissist.
If you read up on narcissists, you will discover that to heal yourself, you need to detach with love 100% from the narc. If that means sis doing it all for dad, even for 3 months, then you bow out.

I feel that you have done enough for everyone else. Your Dad's care (threats of suicide) is beyond your ability to care for him, imo. Sis and your Dad are close (it seems, you say), she is an LVN. Say goodbye.

Get yourself into a program of support for yourself. I do not know what you would qualify for, but find out. I would be very upset to find that a caregiver could actually be destroyed by their narc sis and parents.

Call APS if you must. Explain that your father has threatened suicide, and you can no longer take care of him. They will come.

Anyone threatening to call the police is out to destroy you.

Protect yourself now, before sis calls police and lies.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Take the time away you need to grieve.
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