I took care of mom (cancer,dementia) and dad (heart,prostate) together for nearly 8 yrs before mom passed. I've been taking care of dad since her passing two years ago come April. I took care of them with very little help from anyone whilst still maintaining a job and a home. At times I would have both of them in the hospital or rehab at the same time. I have begged (on my knees as that is what my sister asked for) for help 6 yrs ago when dad was in ICU and mom at home alone. My sister is an LVN with considerable means (6-7 figure savings) from rich ex divorcing her. She lives 50 miles away and I calculated that for 2016 she gave dad $600/yr/2 ppl for medical bills, prescriptions, food, transport to and from hundreds of doctors appts. between the both of them in one year. Less than $1 a day. The cancer hospital valet alone was over $20. Yet when her grown kids wanted to step up she stopped them by saying she was giving $500/wk but that I was "stealing" it. She has always been closer to dad but dad never corrected her in front of her kids so they believed her. I went from working full time with FMLA to part time and finally disabled and not working. My health has suffered tremendously but father never once even researched my mother's conditions nor his own. He would call me with "emergencies" at 1 am, 2 am, 4 am even though I had to work the following day. He would call me at work too and when I told him to call my nurse sister he said, "But she is working". !!!🤬
He did little to nothing while my malignant narcissist sister destroyed my reputation to the point that I stopped being invited to Christmas, Thanksgiving, baby showers etc. I have no family now.
I asked for a family meeting which she refused and screamed that if this was to happen she would have her cop friends outside the door to arrest ANYONE who said anything she didn't like. No meeting ever happened.
Mom lingered in ICU for 6 months prior to passing. It was long and torturous and draining yet dad left every decision, every fight with or discussion with doctors to be my responsibility.
If the doctors at the VA where he was also in ICU for 3 months dared to comment on my being there every single day, he demanded it, my sister told the doctor I was homeless and that's why I was at his bedside.
(I was not) But she was worried about how people would see HER so she said that. That doctor never treated me the same afterwards.
Yes, many times I was a mess. Disheveled clothes, little make up but that is what happens when you average 4 hours sleep a night for yrs. The first few months you trade sleep for doing laundry, sleep for going for that haircut. But after years of little sleep and increasing demands you end up picking sleep over most anything else. And your hair and clothes look unkempt at times, and you begin to look as wretched as you feel. Yet I did it for years. Mostly for my mother, the greatest woman to walk this earth. I would not let her suffer alone. I was in it to the bitter end and dad and sis used that knowledge. Even at mom's cremation my sister had to make a stink and threaten again to have me arrested if I show up as I asked to do a nontraditional prayer with mom. Only 3 minutes, a philosophy she herself embraced years before. After enough wrangling and sis declaring "she won"? Won what? Mom's still dead. The family gathers for their final goodbyes. Her adult kids thank me for caring for her, she smirks and says her and her family are leaving. So dad and I stand there with the body in front of the crematorium. There I say the 3 minute prayer and kiss her goodbye. I ask dad if he wants to say something, nope. Ok. The attendant motions to the button that sends the slab with mom to be cremated. Dad looks at the button then motions me to do it. Yep, thanks dad, even in the final moments you can't be bothered.
Today I said no more. Sis not working, she must take you to 50% of your appointments. Dad says he wants to kill himself so he is no longer a "burden".