Is there such a thing as being emotionally incompetent to be a caregiver?

You are not emotionally defunct - you're experiencing the stress and anxiety of being a caregiver. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. It is obviously affecting your health as well as your marriage. Does she have Medicare or might she qualify for Medicaid? Please consider a nursing facility. You are a loving and generous daughter, but there may come a day when the stress turns to resentment. Please get rid of that buzzer! You could place a baby monitor near her and you can hear what's going on.

People who do this for years learn ways to cope. Taking time for yourself is essential to your well being. I hope others will give you better advice. You are beginning to show the signs of burn out. Not good. Take care of yourself. People do care. 💙

What a great job you have done for three years! But, as others have written, it's time to place your mother somewhere. She's already affected your health. WHY should you have to take meds because of her and the stress it causes you? YOU matter and your MARRIAGE matters!

(And I'm one of the ones who could never have my mother move in. I can't stand being around her for just about any length of time (I'm her Dummy Daughter Driver). I could never put in three years!)

I believe it is a real thing. The amount of stress is beyond belief. That means your at your breaking point. You can end up sick or worse. If your taking anxiety meds, it's already bad.
Try a carer that is not with an agency. For heaven sake take the buzzer away. Maybe not all day, but at certain times.... O_o
Believe it or not lots of people live without a buzzer and they are just fine. People in nursing homes have buzzers and they forget they are there. They manage just fine. You just turned yourself into a personal attendant. If she is in a wheelchair she isn't going anywhere.
Perhaps you can get a carer as a sitter and take a few hours with your husband. Try college kids who are looking at health care careers. You can be a good reference. They will have the patience to stay with her a few hours while you go out. It will give her an outlet too. She might look foward to seeing them, and you get a break.
You were joined by an umbilical cord once. You cant stick it back in. Its long gone and your an adult now Lol. You need your own time and stick to your guns!
Set mom up in her room or in tv room and have alone time with your husband. Could be for a snuggle and watching tv.
Put mom to bed early with her tv and plan an at home date nite. A good meal and a movie. How about a 2$ redbox movie? Play a game like dominos. You don't have to spend $ to have fun.
Try listening to books on tape while you wash clothes, clean the house. How about a great Frank Sinatra song- "if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere" and sing at the top of your lungs whilst dusting?
Take a 15 min walk to distress. Play a computer solitude game.
You have to start making time for you. Only you can do that. You don't need permission.
If mom has a fit guess what? Too bad. You can always say I need time off. I wouldn't elaborate about date night or it will become about her one way or another.
You can always say thurs we will watch/do something you want. Friday is my family time.
It's really about setting limits and boundaries. Try small boundaries first, then work up to bigger ones if you have trouble. Good luck~

We just went through this. There are 7 of us siblings and we could never have had our father live with us for even 4 hours. We agreed there would be no guilt-each of us are different. One nursing home even told us he would not qualify for Medicaid. But he did.
Please no guilt-my Dad is 91, you could have 20+ years of this. And it will never get better.
Best of luck to you. We finally got our Dad placed-by forcing him in legal ways. Now we can breathe again!
You deserve that for you and your spouse.

Yes, I was not a caregiver. I lack the patience and felt Mom was blaming me for every situation she ended up in like rehab.

It sounds like you are just severely burned out. As other posters have mentioned, it sounds too like your mom needs facility care. She won't like it, but you have to take care of yourself and your marriage too.

When you talk to her about it, make it clear that you love her and aren't abandoning her, and that you will still visit, but that you can't do it all by yourself any longer, and want to look at places with her to find her a nice one that she likes.

Save yourself. Mom needs facility care.

Start your research, do some tours and commit to the one that’s the best fit.

It’s a blessing that your mother has adequate money. As for Mom’s attitude and vile words, she talks to you like you’re dirt no matter where she is. So make the choice that gives you your life back.

If you keep the status quo, you won’t just be mentally and physically wrecked. You’ll be divorced, too.

From the way you describe your mother, are you sure that she's mentally intact? Her behavior towards you seems odd. One of the symptoms I have read about with that condition is personality and mood issues. Since, you have your own health issues, do you think it's wise to be the sole caregiver for a person who is in her condition? It took me a couple of months to realize that doing that kind of thing is really a huge job. Actually, 3 huge jobs.

It sounds like you have ample amounts of patience and humanity.

I might explore other care options. If funds are an issue, consult with a professional about what she may qualify for and how. Once your own health is affected, it's difficult to get it restored. I learned that the hard way.

I do think that some people are very sensitive and perhaps too hyper- vigilant regarding a LO's demands. And that you can be run ragged trying to please someone who is not able to understand their condition. Sometimes, you can't please people. And, when that frustration affects your own peace of mind, it may be that other help is needed.

No-one, however competent, is cut out to do this. Not at age 49 for someone who is 70 and could live for another 20 or even 30 years. And your mother's behaviour will probably get worse, not better. Patience and humility won't cut it eventually, and this might kill you quicker than her. Please stop setting out to be a martyr, for the sake of yourself, your husband and also your mother, and find more appropriate permanent care.

Bratcat, your not emotionally incompetent by any means. You are very competent, or else you wouldn’t give a hoot how many times mom buzzes. What do you see in your future? How many more years of caregiving and verbal abuse can you take without your health deteriorating to the point of no return? She’s only 70! This could go on for years and years. You need to accept that the current situation is not sustainable, and start looking for a facility for mom. This is not a cop out, it’s the “competent” thing to do. Trust me, you will still need to pray for patience when she’s in a NH, lol, but she will be safe and you will have some of your life back. They are paid to answer the call buzzers.

There are plenty of people who are not cut out to be caregivers and most of us who are question ourselves regularly for a variety of reasons. You certainly have good reasons.

It is no shame or tragedy to admit you aren’t cut out to do it. If you are a religious person, know that God and St. Peter will not judge you harshly because you put Mom in a facility.
You need to get well and stay well. You’re way too young to spend the rest of your life like this.

Mom needs to be somewhere permanently. She can go away for days or weeks at great financial hardship to you, but as soon as she comes home, you’re right back in it again.

Tomorrow, call your local Medicaid office and ask to apply. You might even be able to apply online. Or, if you feel she’d be approved, find a facility and she can be “Medicaid pending”. Then start a spend down if you need to. Or, consult with an Elder Law Attorney which will be easier.

This is a situation that will not get better. Dementia only gets worse. You have no chance to get you’re feet on the ground, or apparently anything else, as long as you’re waiting for that buzzer to ring.