Is there such a thing as being emotionally incompetent to be a caregiver?

There are plenty of people who are not cut out to be caregivers and most of us who are question ourselves regularly for a variety of reasons. You certainly have good reasons.

It is no shame or tragedy to admit you aren’t cut out to do it. If you are a religious person, know that God and St. Peter will not judge you harshly because you put Mom in a facility.
You need to get well and stay well. You’re way too young to spend the rest of your life like this.

Mom needs to be somewhere permanently. She can go away for days or weeks at great financial hardship to you, but as soon as she comes home, you’re right back in it again.

Tomorrow, call your local Medicaid office and ask to apply. You might even be able to apply online. Or, if you feel she’d be approved, find a facility and she can be “Medicaid pending”. Then start a spend down if you need to. Or, consult with an Elder Law Attorney which will be easier.

This is a situation that will not get better. Dementia only gets worse. You have no chance to get you’re feet on the ground, or apparently anything else, as long as you’re waiting for that buzzer to ring.

Bratcat, your not emotionally incompetent by any means. You are very competent, or else you wouldn’t give a hoot how many times mom buzzes. What do you see in your future? How many more years of caregiving and verbal abuse can you take without your health deteriorating to the point of no return? She’s only 70! This could go on for years and years. You need to accept that the current situation is not sustainable, and start looking for a facility for mom. This is not a cop out, it’s the “competent” thing to do. Trust me, you will still need to pray for patience when she’s in a NH, lol, but she will be safe and you will have some of your life back. They are paid to answer the call buzzers.

No-one, however competent, is cut out to do this. Not at age 49 for someone who is 70 and could live for another 20 or even 30 years. And your mother's behaviour will probably get worse, not better. Patience and humility won't cut it eventually, and this might kill you quicker than her. Please stop setting out to be a martyr, for the sake of yourself, your husband and also your mother, and find more appropriate permanent care.

From the way you describe your mother, are you sure that she's mentally intact? Her behavior towards you seems odd. One of the symptoms I have read about with that condition is personality and mood issues. Since, you have your own health issues, do you think it's wise to be the sole caregiver for a person who is in her condition? It took me a couple of months to realize that doing that kind of thing is really a huge job. Actually, 3 huge jobs.

It sounds like you have ample amounts of patience and humanity.

I might explore other care options. If funds are an issue, consult with a professional about what she may qualify for and how. Once your own health is affected, it's difficult to get it restored. I learned that the hard way.

I do think that some people are very sensitive and perhaps too hyper- vigilant regarding a LO's demands. And that you can be run ragged trying to please someone who is not able to understand their condition. Sometimes, you can't please people. And, when that frustration affects your own peace of mind, it may be that other help is needed.

Save yourself. Mom needs facility care.

Start your research, do some tours and commit to the one that’s the best fit.

It’s a blessing that your mother has adequate money. As for Mom’s attitude and vile words, she talks to you like you’re dirt no matter where she is. So make the choice that gives you your life back.

If you keep the status quo, you won’t just be mentally and physically wrecked. You’ll be divorced, too.

It sounds like you are just severely burned out. As other posters have mentioned, it sounds too like your mom needs facility care. She won't like it, but you have to take care of yourself and your marriage too.

When you talk to her about it, make it clear that you love her and aren't abandoning her, and that you will still visit, but that you can't do it all by yourself any longer, and want to look at places with her to find her a nice one that she likes.

Yes, I was not a caregiver. I lack the patience and felt Mom was blaming me for every situation she ended up in like rehab.

We just went through this. There are 7 of us siblings and we could never have had our father live with us for even 4 hours. We agreed there would be no guilt-each of us are different. One nursing home even told us he would not qualify for Medicaid. But he did.
Please no guilt-my Dad is 91, you could have 20+ years of this. And it will never get better.
Best of luck to you. We finally got our Dad placed-by forcing him in legal ways. Now we can breathe again!
You deserve that for you and your spouse.

I believe it is a real thing. The amount of stress is beyond belief. That means your at your breaking point. You can end up sick or worse. If your taking anxiety meds, it's already bad.
Try a carer that is not with an agency. For heaven sake take the buzzer away. Maybe not all day, but at certain times.... O_o
Believe it or not lots of people live without a buzzer and they are just fine. People in nursing homes have buzzers and they forget they are there. They manage just fine. You just turned yourself into a personal attendant. If she is in a wheelchair she isn't going anywhere.
Perhaps you can get a carer as a sitter and take a few hours with your husband. Try college kids who are looking at health care careers. You can be a good reference. They will have the patience to stay with her a few hours while you go out. It will give her an outlet too. She might look foward to seeing them, and you get a break.
You were joined by an umbilical cord once. You cant stick it back in. Its long gone and your an adult now Lol. You need your own time and stick to your guns!
Set mom up in her room or in tv room and have alone time with your husband. Could be for a snuggle and watching tv.
Put mom to bed early with her tv and plan an at home date nite. A good meal and a movie. How about a 2$ redbox movie? Play a game like dominos. You don't have to spend $ to have fun.
Try listening to books on tape while you wash clothes, clean the house. How about a great Frank Sinatra song- "if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere" and sing at the top of your lungs whilst dusting?
Take a 15 min walk to distress. Play a computer solitude game.
You have to start making time for you. Only you can do that. You don't need permission.
If mom has a fit guess what? Too bad. You can always say I need time off. I wouldn't elaborate about date night or it will become about her one way or another.
You can always say thurs we will watch/do something you want. Friday is my family time.
It's really about setting limits and boundaries. Try small boundaries first, then work up to bigger ones if you have trouble. Good luck~

What a great job you have done for three years! But, as others have written, it's time to place your mother somewhere. She's already affected your health. WHY should you have to take meds because of her and the stress it causes you? YOU matter and your MARRIAGE matters!

(And I'm one of the ones who could never have my mother move in. I can't stand being around her for just about any length of time (I'm her Dummy Daughter Driver). I could never put in three years!)

You are not emotionally defunct - you're experiencing the stress and anxiety of being a caregiver. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. It is obviously affecting your health as well as your marriage. Does she have Medicare or might she qualify for Medicaid? Please consider a nursing facility. You are a loving and generous daughter, but there may come a day when the stress turns to resentment. Please get rid of that buzzer! You could place a baby monitor near her and you can hear what's going on.

People who do this for years learn ways to cope. Taking time for yourself is essential to your well being. I hope others will give you better advice. You are beginning to show the signs of burn out. Not good. Take care of yourself. People do care. 💙

Bratcat, I just wanted to add that if you can't realize what is reasonable, under the circumstances, I might talk to a counselor to sort through some things. Some people find them helpful. Of course, sites like this these help too.

I might also question how you would feel if you toured a facility to place your mother and they said that there would be one caretaker assigned to her and that she would work 24/7 for three years taking care of all your mother's needs. I don't think family members consider that when they believe they can do that alone for extended periods of time. I might question if you really believe it is feasible.

To put a lighter thought on this terribly difficult situation.

When you TELL mom she is moving to a facility, have 2 bags packed right in front of her, one for her and one for you, when she asks about them you say "One is for you because you ARE moving and the other is for me because I am being sent on a guilt trip." 😉

She knows how to manipulate you dear woman, please end her reign on your life, she had her shot, now it's your turn. No guilt, you will still love and care about her as her daughter not her caregiver. Let the professionals provide her care and you provide the love and treats.

Learn to just ignore the guilt, you did not do anything to her, so you have no reason to feel guilt. If she says you are doing xyz by putting me in a facility, no mom, your body is doing it and it's just life, no one's fault. She really does need a village at this stage of things.

You got this!

You have a lot on your plate. Don't beat yourself up, it is very difficult for anyone. Look into either Medicaid nursing home assistance or Medicaid long term care at home for your mom. You could have aides in the home for her. Talk to your local or county Office of Aging. They can help get you started.

Hi..I completely understand where you are coming from. I care for BOTH of my elderly parents. I am an only child so I have no help..I have been taking antidepressants for a few years but when im away from the house im fine and really don't need them. I am trying to get them in SNF but they are fighting me.

Suppose you were sitting in a room and the furniture was all on fire. And your health care team gave you burn ointment, and then, when that wasn't enough, a respirator. But, if you'll just go with the illustration for a moment, it doesn't seem to occur to anyone that it might be a really good idea to do something about the fire.

You are stressed and anxious not because there is anything the matter with you, but because you are living in an environment that is full of causes of stress and anxiety. Until the causes are addressed, those treatments for your mental health are utterly pointless.

I am not unsympathetic to your poor mother. At 70, she is young; and we have learned from brilliant narrative posters such as Jeanne Gibbs how cruel and overwhelming LBD can be. I do recommend you search for some of Jeanne's answers here on the forum. She cared for her husband, not her mother, but you will still find lots of wise, practical advice there.

Stop thinking that there is anything wrong with you. You're not emotionally incompetent; you're not defunct; you're not any word that means you lack some key quality that a reasonable human being ought to have. [Aside: you are expecting your mother to be normally rational. Stop expecting that. You'll find her outbursts and accusations less painful to deal with.]

Have you thought what work goes in to providing the care and support a person with your mother's condition needs? In a professional setting, you'd be looking at a team of three-ish trained, qualified and experienced people, plus the facilities and equipment, plus the visiting specialists and ancillary staff who all contribute to creating a good quality of life for their charges. You can add the work up in terms of time, training years, money or whatever; but what it will never add up to is a realistic job for one person and her husband in the family home.

So. You need a different plan. Start by contacting your Area Agency on Aging and asking for advice on resources and support.

Have you thought about palliative/hospice care? They will provide 5 days of respite care. Home health aids can also come over to give a helping hand. talk to her doctor about that. as for the emotional aspect...it's not easy to see someone you love slowly die. I've been dealing with my mom's Alzheimer's for 10 years..but the last 4 were extremely awful. I'm an emotional wreck but all we can do is the best we can and take it a day at a time. it's normal to be an emotional wreck -- in fact if you weren't you would not be human. She has really declined and there is nothing I can do about it. We all die, and Alzheimer's is just another way how people die. So we have to LEARN how to accept that at face value. Life and death happen.

You love the person. that's why you are a caregiver. worry, anxiety and depression are constant companions of mine.

So, I've been reading on this site for 2 1/2 years. The people on this site have helped in ways I can't even explain. This is the first time I've ever written. Have two careers I was trying to maintain-60 hours a week-and was taking care of my mother from the time I got home Friday afternoon til I went back to work on Monday morning.  Manage her money and property, pay her bills, etc. I know many people do this for SO much longer, but in that time I lost a 13 year relationship, lost myself, medication increased, little sleep, gained weight, work suffered, lost or damaged other relationships, not really any friends, have a little dog with cancer...well, you get the picture.  My niece takes care of her during the week...anyway, I'm not 'cut out for this either' and I finally, after the toll and price I've paid...said ok, enough. Somehow, we found a few great people to keep her on weekends. She's happier in her own home than with me on weekends anyway. Once I began to accept, things seemed to fall into place. Most people on this site say you need to take care of yourself and so forth. I used to think 'easy for them to say' (sorry guys), but they are RIGHT. Still working on it myself-but my two cents-don't give up your husband and yourself. Sounds harsh, but not worth it-there are other ways.

Thankfully, I was advised to start taking Ashwagandha and it totally mellowed me without drugs. Every medication has side-effects which can aggravate the situation. The only thing Ashwagandha did was to give me restful sleep even though DH woke me hourly to help him void.

The stress affected my eating habits and my BP - Hibiscus Tea lowered my BP and I was able to stop the Lisinopril.

Instead of praying for humility - pray for your sanity. Every night I prayed for guidance, patience and my sanity. When something new cropped up, I asked for guidance and the next day I would find a possible solution online!

I don't know what to advise about your intimacy - I was caring for my DH so that wasn't an issue. Perhaps you can find a "sitter" so you and your DH can get away for a night of re-acquaintance? Through your church, there might be a list of people willing to sit for a few hours and even do it for free. There are also free day-care centers for the elderly and they even come pick them up and return them home again. Check with your county aging office.

Have a nurse assessment & have her placed in ALF w memory care or SNF & then apply for Medicaid for her. & throw that buzzer out the window. Close your bedroom door. Put on radio so you don’t hear. If she no longer walks, you don’t have to worry she will run away.

OMG! Do I ever feel you!!! I got my mom a baby monitor and I can hear her snoring through it right now! I’m in the habit of keeping my door shut because the tv is so loud and now Its broadcast right into my room! Stupid, stupid stupid!

But I only have my little dog in here with me and I’m 30 years older than you. I’ve got the time and the patience (most of the time) that comes with age-you don’t have that luxury (sic!)

Just be aware that you’re not abandoning your mom. You’re not giving up caring for her, there will be plenty for you to do still and the distance will do you good, so there is no reason to feel guilty.

Shell probably give you the busines so prepare for it by knowing you were right to do this.

Ill tell you, one of my biggest concerns is that I’ve kept my mom alive just for selfish reasons. Her quality of life is very poor. Just getting up everyday to watch t.v. Her mind is mostly sharp but she can’t DO anything! She’s so stiff she can barely raise her arms, she’s so weak she can’t carry or lift anything, I can’t find anything she enjoys anymore or that she’ll get interested in to keep her occupied.

Good luck to you
Charlotte

I have done this for eight years alone. does your husband help some? i feel so isolated but i must finish the journey. Mom had a stroke in the n home and now I have to bring her home with home health which is only here limited amounts of time. If I leave her in the n home they changed the daily amount from $269 to $650 a day since she returned from the hospital stay. So I have no choice. I am just going to hire help as in aides, and extra people I can find and try to keep her at home where I feel she will be happier. She also has begged me to bring her home so another reason is I want to grant her this wish. She looks so fragile now and even though I am told with rehab (which she will receive) I just can't imagine how she can come back from this bad stroke. My family are not supportive but critical and always making me feel badly. My own niece just told me if this is my only job I have failed at this miserably. How can she be so cruel. Eight years and counting, no life, no time for myself, driving so many miles to appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, taking care of the house, mowing the yard (yet this is seen by relatives as a given and not a sacrifice) They sit on the sidelines and just wait for anything even worse to happen and then pounce. How can life be like this after so many good years.

Bratcat you are a true heroine in my eyes. I could not have undertaken caring for my mother for three weeks let alone three years. Mum had her first heart attack when she was 60 and the Dr offered her rehab. "Oh no thank you, I will go and stay with my daughter" Daughter was never consulted!!!!!!!!!!!

If Mom has money place her in a suitable facility till it is almost gone then apply for Medicaid. It will be a hassle of course everything always is but think of the rewards.

If you don't already have POA health and financial get it now before any of this is discussed. This is not going to happen overnight so make some temporary arrangements now to give you and hubby some private time. If you don't already know that is one of the most important things in a man's life.

Maybe friends on vacation would led you their home for a night each week in exchange for cutting the grass or shoveling snow.

As suggested find a nice strong healthcare student for the night and put them in charge of the buzzer, In this case it doesn't matter if they sleep on the floor outside Mom's room the buzzer will soon get them awake.

Lots of ways you can make this happen without too much financial stress.

I truly hear your pain. I am the 24/7 caregiver for my husband who has, as far as it can be diagnosed, temporalfrontal lobe/vascular dementia. I trained as a caregiver just before he began to decline and was still in no way prepared for this hell. I have tried for 4 years to be sympathetic, loving, understanding and more, as I have dealt with his abuse and decline. His kids, (we are a blended family with 6 adult children), express concern, come by on special occasions, ( his birthday is in two days and there is a "celebration", which I could care less about, because it means more for me to deal with and by the time we get home he will have forgotten the whole day). I know I sound like a horrible person-I do. But I am so sick of all of the touchy-freely quotes and the "tools" that don't work no matter how you try to not argue, to "put myself in his alternate reality", to keep calm, keep my voice soft-all to appease his anger, appease his demands, appease his every crazed whim and pay, out of our Social Security retirement for the five ambulance Rudes and the days of psych observation as they try to figure out what combination of meds would keep him calm, but not in a stupor. Right now after another sleepless night, I would prefer the stupor. Yes he was a good man. Yes he was loving and handsome and funny. But that is nothing like the man I clean every day, who has so many violent and paranoid behaviors that I walk on eggshells all day and night. His daughter says sweetly-"well, you know that's not dad". Well it sure is. It's the horror of a being and it is an unending nightmare. I realize that I made this all about me and you are seeking advice. I do feel for you and though I have no answer, I know what a miserable time this must be. I am grateful that I am not having to deal with having this as a young wife. I will keep you in that part of my heart that is still intact and hope that you are able to find an affordable resource to help. Forgive me for this rant. I am just so tired.

Bratcat, you deserve a huge pat on the back. No way should you feel incompetent. My mother is 96, doesn’t have any serious memory issues, and is fairly ambulatory. She’s only been living with us for 2 months and I’m already looking for a way out. I’m 66 and I’m an only child. I just retired on June 1 and we moved (all 3 of us) to an adorable retirement community on the shores of Mobile Bay. With an exciting life of retirement and travel ahead of me, I’m now wondering “where did my retirement go?” I’m not cut out for this either.

Feeling the way you do myself at times, I believe that perhaps you should consider a nursing home for your mom. If this is not a possibility hire a caretaker to come in for help. I hired a young man who comes twice a week and I take eight hours to do for me. I don’t go home at all during this time. He also comes one day for four hours, this is the time I use to grocery shop, or whatever errands need to be done for the household.
I will also utilize the grocery app instacart if I need things later, they deliver. Walmart will shop for you and you go to pick it up. Hang in there!

In my opinion, not only is it okay to realize your limitations, in fact, it is ESSENTIAL!!! At this point in my life, I am on the periphery of our family situation, watching my mother and uncle caring for my grandmother with a complete lack of self-awareness. And it's ugly.

Knowing your strengths and your limitations can allow you to make better decisions about how to move forward to ensure your loved one gets the best care possible. And it may not be from you. That's okay. The goal is the care, not that you provide it yourself. I wouldn't call this emotional incompetence, I'd call it assessing yourself objectively and responding to the changing needs of your mom, your husband and yourself. When you've freely given all that you have to give, and you find yourself depleted, is it realistic to believe you'll be able to provide what you know in your heart your mom needs? Isn't it just as loving to arrange for care elsewhere and act as a persistent advocate for your mom's wellbeing?

There is a ton of advice available in this forum from people far more experienced than I. I know they'll give you details and practical tips to help you resolve your situation. For me, well, I just hope you can see that your self-awareness is a gift to your self and your family. And I hope you can see it as a strength.

Your appeal here is a cry for help - 3 YEARS IS A LONG TIME!! - I think you should start looking at options - no your mom is not "mostly" mentally there but it is less noticable than a wheelchair

My mom has a memory "as long as a gnat's eyelash" but she still talks in sentences & on occasion even professionals can't tell for up to 5 minutes when they have been forewarned that she has dementia -

Your mom needs to be professionally tested & don't ask her if it is okay just take her - when I take mom to these app'ts I say lets go out for ice cream & she gets it after the app't - most of these professionals are so nice to her that she purring over the attention that she doesn't mind

From my experience your mom may be farther comprimised than you realize but just as you never see your kids grow so when you live with someone you don't see the decline because you adjust day by day to the changes whereas others might see the change

From what you say start looking for plan 'B' for when you need it because it will be 'when' not 'if' - by doing your research now you won't go into panic mode when/if a crisis comes up rather you will have all your ducks in a line - I wrote out scenerios for both of my parents so when the time came I just slightly adapted a plan that I had done before the crisis loomed up

I's so sorry you are going through all this, and at such a young age. My dad passed when I was 47, and that's when I started taking care of mom, who is now 86. At first it wasn't a problem....she was healthy, still drove and competent. But it wasn't long before she got sick and then the rounds with hospital/rehab/home/hospital/rehab/home started. After about 9 months of that, she finally went to live with my brother in another state. Long story short, she refused to go into assisted living, expected me to quit my job and take care of her, etc. etc. I did the best I could but on MY terms. I would NOT quit my job, got caregivers 7 days a week, and it still wasn't what mom wanted, so eventually my brother stepped up and took her in. The irony is that she now has a caregiver every day anyway, but now lives where she has no other family and friends and relies on my brother for everything. Anyway, my advice would be to contact a local senior center and get someone to talk with and explain your situation. They are a wealth of knowledge and advice since they deal with these types of situations every day. I'm sure they can find someone to help you out, within your budget. It may even be as simple as a "visiting angel" type person who comes a few times a week to just visit with your mom. As for yourself, you are not incompetent! Caregiving is a tough job....that's right, a JOB....and not everyone is capable of doing it, just like not everyone can be an accountant, mechanic, etc. You wouldn't do your own taxes if you don't have that knowledge, would you? So why would you take on caregiving if you aren't equipped for that? Another problem is that many seniors today didn't plan for their extended life future, either monetarily or emotionally. Many never had to care for their own parents, or if they did, it certainly wasn't for the extended period of time that it seems many people are living today in deminished states. So now "our" generation is feeling the pain...so to speak. The good thing, hopefully, is that WE are now aware of what the future could hold and are making better plans for ourselves. Look at all the senior living facilities and "memory care" places that are springing up every day! Finally the need for these is being recognized, but, unfortunately they are still quite pricey, which means they are not an option for every one. So again, try contacing the local senior center or senior services agency in your township. Explain what is going on and see if they can help. Good luck!

Emotionally defunct no, burned out yes. I have been a care manager for my 95 year old father for 10 years. He also has Lewy Body Dementia and a history of mental health issues. I too have developed high blood pressure and health problems under the stress. Give yourself credit for the 3 years you have invested and realize from the other posters that we all struggle in this role that takes almost everything and gives almost nothing. Almost everyone arrives at their breaking point under this demand. The behavior problems of LBD are notorious and crazy-making for the caregiver. Underlying mental health issues do not disappear into the symptoms of dementia but are often exacerbated. The trajectory of the disease is that the cognitive, behavioral, and physical symptoms only get worse and will exceed your capacity. You'll inevitably have to solve for this so the best time to start is now. See if you can get a social worker from the Alzheimer's Association (they assist with all forms of dementia) or some other source (hospital, University, senior services, church, etc.) to do a needs assessment and provide you with information on resources to address the many challenges you face. Start the search with the goal of getting her placed in care somewhere (they take a certain number of low-income residents and also often negotiate their fees in order to have a filled bed rather than empty.) You may have to turn over a lot of rocks to find the ways in which to qualify her financially but the focus will give you hope. Just keep reaching out and asking lots of questions of everyone. By the way, I have a low income friend who works a set number of hours exchange for a room because she can't afford rent. Think outside the box.