Is there something wrong with me? I don't think I want to help my mom with her hygiene.

Luckily you don't have to do it for a living, right? After caring for my grandmother who is also in her 90's and has severe dementia, I am very grateful to care givers who can do this on a full-time basis. My grandmother flat out refuses to shower and wash her hair. My saving grace is that she likes to go out so I tell her as soon as she washes her hair I will take her somewhere. She still won't take a shower.
There is nothing wrong with you, her hygiene is just not something you're not comfortable with. Can you hire someone who comes in only to bathe her?

There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly normal. Your mother doesn't want your help, and she will be more comfortable with someone who is used to helping with personal care. Both of you are uncomfortable with this situation. I was temporarily in your mom's situation and there is absolutely no way I wanted my daughter to help me.

Check with her doctor and insurance to see if you can get help. Depending on her income, she may also qualify for financial aid to get care.

My 88-year-old mom and I have discussed already and made up a plan for when she will need help with hygiene. I found that a self-installed bidet, like the Tushy brand, is perfect for us to start with. Later, I’ve found a type that has an additional hand-held sprayer for messier times. I put myself in a mindset that it’s all clinical; when my dad was suffering from an undiagnosed duodenum ulcer, we had some unexpected messes that I cleaned up for him. He and I just resolved that it had to be done and we put all humiliation aside. I never thought of myself being able to do that for him, but I somehow found the courage within myself. My sister doesn’t want to help with mom’s future hygiene care; that’s fine and I don’t fault her at all.

I dont know because I would do anything for my mom wipe her butt bathe her, anything but she doesnt let me and i dont know what to do she needs a bathe

Can you get an OR consult that will modify or help your mom with dressing items & ideas. Like a sock puller, shoe horn, easier shirts & pants to put on, pr a wrap skirt. shower seat etc. You can get a podiatrist appt for nails.
You can always turn your head and let her do the wiping. Put the curtain half way during a shower. Your there to monitor but not doing the washing. Get a long handled bath brush. She should be made to do it if she can, bc it keeps them active for as long as possible. So your not being mean by making her wash her arms/privates etc. To the contrary.
You can do a sponge bath with her sitting in a chair. She uses the washcloth, starting at the top to bottom. Maybe a walker as support to stand for privates. So your not doing it and she has dignity. In hospital we wash their back but they do the rest.
in hospital we have wipes that get mircowaved and makes bathing quick. Nice and moisturizing. No spilled water. They dont need to bathe that often, its too drying delicate skin. Good luck.

There is nothing wrong with you. All of us have something that makes us or our loved ones feel uncomfortable. I took care of my MIL and gave her my fair share of showers, hair washing, sitz baths, accident clean ups, toenails I left for the professionals (I was always afraid of clipping too close and injuring her) but I did do finger nails clipping and filing. At first it wasn't easy for either one of us but I used the mindset of she did this when my husband was a baby, I did it for my children, so there was no way I would not do it for this special lady. I purchased special shower gels for her with matching lotions. Sitz baths on non shower days was gentle baby wash for keeping that "area" clean (as she would say), and body wash for rest of the sponge bath, rinse, dry, lotion. She felt so much better being cleaned up daily (and smelt better than when she first came to live with us) Treat it as a pampering session for her. Can you take her out for a pedicure? She may or may not enjoy it, I don't know if she enjoys having her toes painted, MIL loved having her nails painted vibrant colors, hot pink, peacock turquoise, bright orange, red and green for Christmas. Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most for them. As you do it more often, hopefully things will become easier. Check with your local senior services, maybe they can help set up a cna visit a couple times a week to assist her with bathing and hair washing? Would also benefit your sister too.

If you can't do it then, find some other way to contribute. In order to do this kind of work you have to have a certain "professional" mindset. You can't be thinking about how this is your mother. If a surgeon thought "I'm cutting into a live human being" they wouldn't be able to do it. You have to focus on the task and not the person. Think about you gynecologist. When they examine you, their mind goes to the technical task at hand. When you bathe someone, you need to use a towel or sheet to cover everything you are not currently working on. A nursing care book will help with these kind of procedures.

You don't have to like it or prefer it, but keeping clean, dressed for the weather... is part of keeping her healthy and safe - the truest goals at this stage of her life. Consider talking with your sister and discussing ways to streamline all those processes. Many times a bidet attached to the toilet helps to keep her bottom cleaner. Many times it is easier to do foot care if you approach it as a mani-pedi, soaking in warm water makes feet less stinky and nails much softer.

My 99 year old grandmother was happiest in sweat suits with a shirt and undershirt. She wore Depends all the time. She had problems with socks and shoes (edema) and wore slippers that covered her whole foot - even in winter. Maybe this might help you.

Yeah.. I know how that feels. But..... the more you do it, the better it gets, believe me. We are all human. We pee....we poop.... and many of us need help. When I am needed to do something...anything that I am uncomfortable with.... I suck it up, Donna. They need me. But... this is me. Life is not always peaches and cream. Life is not always the way we want it but.... I love to help and try to put others at ease. I do not like to see others struggling. The first thing I do is.....start the water to get it warm... gather the tub... the wash cloths...squirt some soap in the tub. Put on gloves. Grab a clean pull pad, the underpad, the diaper, two peri pads to put around his penis and line his diaper and the trash can for he is always soaked in the morning; and away I go. I just do it. I just know it needs to be done. Makes him feel better and makes me feel better knowing that he is now clean "as a whistle". One of the greatest things I know I can do is..... make people feel better whether it is being a butt washer.... or whatever. People need people who are there for them. I don't mean to make others feel bad but some times people.... you just gotta suck it up... get in there and just do what needs to be done. No... I did not take care of my parents in this way but..... if they were here today and needed this done, I would not hesitate.

Now.. if you have money to hire someone to do this, ok. Then do that. No problem but, many elderly just do not have the money to hire outside help. They need us. Put them in assisted living... whatever, if they have the money for that. But I am not ashamed to be a butt washer.

I had to do this for my stepmom last week, for the first time. It was extremely inconvenient and embarrassing for both of us, especially when she fell off the closed toilet seat while trying to put on her own bra. I had to lift her and it was awkward in the extreme.

The solution I'm planning is to stop feeling guilty and awkward and to arrange for the state/other senior services to come in so that someone who is a professional at it can do it. It will save a lot of discomfort for all concerned.

I just think that people who spent their lifetimes being modest shouldnt' have to put that on their children. Imagine how your mom feels!

Best wishes.

I have a different perspective. It's not fair that your sister bear the burden of being the one to provide personal care for your mother. You even said that she "doesn't like it either."

Since when is "not liking" something a reason to not do something that is necessary? We all do many things in life that we don't particularly "like," but we do them anyway - such as taking medication, doing laundry, cleaning house, wearing our seat belts, getting our flu shot, cleaning up after the dog, changing the cat's litter, etc.

It's only fair that you assist your sister with your mother's personal care. You already said that your mother is not capable of doing it herself.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! We all have different skill sets, different limits, different amounts of other stresses in our lives, and different relationships with the person we are giving care to.
I had to clip my dad’s toenails and I simultaneously wanted to cry and throw up. He has hurt himself a couple times and I’ve had to clean it up and bandage him... yeesh. I’m not squeamish particularly but I can’t do this. I’m looking for some home health for the foot care and stuff.
My husband and I have already determined that once he can’t do his basic care (like toileting) we will have to place him in a care facility. I love my dad but I also love my husband and my child - this situation has put huge stress on all those relationships, and I know how much I can take before I crack - my family needs me, too.
Don’t let anyone guilt you.

You are definitely not alone. I grew up in a household where there was no nakedness on display, ever. No underwear on display either. Strict Catholics. No sex ed, no swearing.

I found it difficult, therefore, to get my 90+ father dressed and undressed and to change his adult diaper when he became terminally ill. I was in my 70's. It just felt wrong to me. Mom, who has dementia, tried to help when she could but was half his size. We tried to manage this at their home, which was totally unsuitable for elder care (steps, bathtub only, no shower...) My brother helped with the diaper changing, clean up and emptying the commode. This lasted for about 4-5 months and then dad decided they should move to assisted living, where he also received hospice care services including help with the personal hygiene. I think having someone other than family do this type of task is more impersonal and less embarrassing for the patient.

Why do you think there is something wrong with you?
This is generally a 'job' people do out of love or is required as an employee.
These are very personal areas and it is understandable that you and/or your mother would feel embarrassed. Not everyone is cut out to be a nurse or an attorney. When one cares for an aging parent, the adult children are often the only people available to do these basic hygiene needs. Doesn't mean anyone is eager or wants to. It is done out of love and respect.

"But for the grace of God go I" - we may all be there one day so treat your mom as you hope you'll be treated if in a similar situation when you are an elder.

I asked a caregiver working at an elder facility how she does it. She said, it's like changing a baby. It wasn't a big deal to her. I do believe it is very different working in the field, handling these needs day after day vs caring for one's parent. It is more personal. Go easy on yourself and profusely thank your sister. Your are lucky she'll do this level of care.

I was able to do all of that at first - bathing, personal hygiene, nails, haircuts, etc. - but after six years of it, I was done. It's nothing to be alarmed, ashamed or guilty about. Some people have it in them to do it day after day, year after year... and some of us can only do it for so long, or even not at all.

Just remember that the private duty nurses, aides and so forth do this for a living. Though they may cultivate personal relationships with their patients (ours did), they don't have a personal stake in it. They go on to the next patient, or go home, and that's it. It's a luxury (if you will) that family caregivers just don't have.

Imho, there is nothing wrong with you. Taking on your mother's personal hygiene is tough. Prayers sent.

My great aunt was a nurse, and her sister (my grandmother) started to follow her into the profession. My grandmother quit after two weeks of training when she realized she'd have to "wash old men's backsides," and she wasn't going there.

So no, nothing's wrong with you.

One of the reasons Richard moved out of his son's home to the apartment was that neither the son nor the daughter in law was comfortable with those aspects of care, and Richard knew I had been a caregiver for many others, we were comfortable with each other, etc. Some just can not get over the squeemishness. Hire a bath aid.

Are you her son? Or daughter. Her embarrassment and yours, would be quite natural if you are her son. Even if a daughter, it would be natural for her to rather do own personal care and dressing. If she resists, it doesn't help your embarrassment. There is nothing wrong with you. You may need to hire some help to do personal hygiene. But try to overcome your embarrassment when it comes to helping with dressing, shoes and socks etc. Take a light-hearted approach as much as you can... remind her "you used to do this for me. Now I'm returning the favor".

I look at it as something I would do for my child. I got over it pretty quickly with that mindset. If you'd rather not, you can hire a caregiver to do those tasks. Hire for either AM for 2-4 hrs or PM 2-4 hrs or both.

Nothing wrong with you. I had to clean my mother once and I sobbed the whole time. I hope I am never in that situation again. God bless the caregivers in my mother's ALF.

It is very normal not to want to do the hygiene part of caregiving. This is a difficult task for your mom and you both. Perhaps, tradeoff, you do the task one week, your sister the next week. At her age, she probably only needs baths once per week anyway. So if you share the tasks with your sister, you only do this task 2 times per month(bathing).

This is why when parents or loved ones reach this stage they 100% need to be in assisted living or nursing home and these things are handled by those trained to handle, so neither you or your Mom have to be embarrassed.

Try to get over your reservations and HELP.

Some people are just not cut out for the "hands on" part of care taking. When it is your turn, do you mean your mother lives with you during that time? It might be worth hiring a home health care aide to help with your mother's personal hygiene. A "professional" helper might be less embarrassing for your mother and less emotionally stressful for you. If you can manage the basics when it comes to getting her dressed and keeping reasonably clean, you could schedule a personal care aide two or three times a week for more thorough bathing and grooming.

My own designated health advocate is my slightly younger sister who is completely squeamish about anything hands on. She could not even crack open eggs until forced to do so as an adult in a job situation. I have assured her that she need not bathe and wipe me herself, but that she can act as "business manager" (she was a business major in college) to arrange for help as needed.

Perhaps it would help you to think of how vulnerable your loved one is and how much they depend on you. I also think about how many times my parent changed my diapers and vomit, not to mention all the other ridiculous things I got into. Cleaning up a little pee or poop is the VERY LEAST I can do to pay them back.

Well, think of it this way....your younger sister doesn't like it either. Always put it in your mind....NOBODY want to do this at all. It's a huge job and when a caregiver like your sister, she's a full time and she has more right than you do unless you want to step up. No matter how hard it is...help your sister anyway! You are there to help giving your sister a break. She need her break no matter what. That's your mother she born you. If mother took care of you since you were a baby, she's there for you. You should do the same to your mother too even she insist to put her own clothes on. Simply say, it's okay let me help put this on. I love you. Your younger sister does this because she love her mother enough to care for her.
I, other hand am a younger sister. My sister hasn't been no help or provide anything for our mother. I love my mother even she's not the same. I miss my best mommy I needed her and she's gone. Dementia is a horrible disease. My sister have no idea how I feel about this and her constantly jealous of me for no apparent reasons. Our past mom was a good mother. To my sister, she hates her. All because of our father brainwashed her. She's a daddy's little girl and I'm just a baby girl who can be a smart one and should be the oldest and take on responsiably. My sister is selfish and doesn't care. Please don't do this to your sister, she need you more than you ever know. If you want to be a good sister and daughter will prove that you are there for both of them.

Four months? You deserve a pat on the back for that. Good job. That is not easy. That is a long time. You have done a great job.

Of course this is a marathon; not a sprint. There are many months ahead.

Nothing wrong with you. Seems totally normal and natural to not want to deal with that sort of thing; cleaning bottoms; washing bodies. I don't either.

If you can afford it, hire out the washing. If you cannot afford it, then I feel for you.

I remember the infants; cleaning bottoms and washing bodies. That wasn't fun, but it had to be done so I did it. I felt the same with my dad. Fortunately we could afford help. But, I did do it myself when the staff was not around.

I focus on the necessity. If it needs to be done and no one else is going to do it, then I'm going to do it. ... then I'm going to have a drink ... or something.

It's dirty work, but you can do it.

It was all foisted on me so quickly that I didn't have time to get revolted by it. I just had to get into the mind set that nurses and professional caregivers do this everyday. My mom was a challenge because she had diarrhea from previous radiation to her abdomen as well as a stage 4 tailbone open wound. I had to devise barriers to keep one from the other.... She also had a urinary catheter.
In hindsight it was like a very bad dream but at the time I just did it with the mind set it would make her comfortable and improve things and I had to do it so she wouldn't suffer. I don't know if I could do this again as it was rough with the wound in addition to the D. and has me wondering why it had to be so awful.

God Bless you for the honesty! I have been taking care of my 31 year old Son with Autism; along the way in the 1990's my Grandmother who had lost a leg and was in a wheelchair, and then my Mother who fought cancer and was very frail in 2018 until Her death 2019. I have washed, wiped and fed all! I'm currently 60 plus and I pray and hope I can take care of myself until it is my time. This is one of the hardest jobs taking care of someone's hygiene. I still have to supervise my son every now and then as he is non-verbal. I pray that I don't become weak as I don't believe my other Sons and Grand daughter wouldn't be able to handle me in any state like my Mother and Grandmother. There is definitely nothing wrong with you! Rest assured that based upon your intention to be of any service is a blessing because not everyone knows their limit! Take care and feel well in your mind!