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Hello everyone, this is Midwest. I posted a question in 2013 Daughters of Narcissistic parents, what are the effects? SP Affects...LOL The Forum took off like wildfire and now I see that question has been closed. So now I'm going to open another Forum Question regarding the Affects of after the Narcissistic Parent dies. Is there life and how are you recovering, if at all.


I have so much to share but first lets see if there is an interest.

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Emerging from years under the shadow of a Narcissistic mother is gradual, but also startling every minute. When you realize you can speak, feel, laugh without the inherent judgment of a narcissist , you gradually become yourself. I think the biggest fallacy about us is that we don't care or are selfish. No. We are emotionally exhausted. Our sacrifice is silent, mostly unknown. With the support of friends or therapists or an Amazon driver that smiles, we know our value is real. Please, if at all possible, approach every situation as someone valued by some pretty great people. Either you have known them, or you know them now. Lucy
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Rbuser1 Jun 30, 2020
Your words are healing. Thank you.
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My narcissistic mother is declining rapidly and in order to save my sanity and get on a healthier path of well being I am reading the book Will I ever be good enough? The author of this book is Karyl McBride. This book has been a godsend to me as I deal with the many issues brought on by being raised in a narcissistic home. My therapist has also read the book and we discuss goals and healing. Focus on yourself and pray.
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lealonnie1 Jun 30, 2020
My mother is 93.5 and while I doubt she's 'nearing her end', she's also in chronic pain, consumed with anger & fear, with confusion escalating on a daily basis (she has dementia in addition to 10 other health issues). She doesn't 'qualify' for a hospice eval, so the chronic pain is wearing everyone down; her care givers, her, me, her other loved ones............everyone. And she doesn't want me to 'help'..........she just wants to be very angry and complain 24/7, which helps nothing. I'm waiting for her to pass, but fear that she will live to 100, like most narcs do.
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I’m taking care of my narcissistic mother right now, so I wish I had an answer. I’m interested in any answers you may receive. There are more of us out here than you know. All I can recommend is a good therapist. There is life after this. I’m sure.

Good luck my friend and know you are not alone.
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I am very interested in this thread. My Mom is likely nearing her end, I doubt she will be here come Christmas. She has a multitude of narcissistic and borderline qualities. Right now I am working on separating out the issues I carry with her abuse, keeping the boundaries that protect my own well being and finding a place in my heart to be there for her during this difficult time. Mom is consumed with anger and fear, she is in constant pain, her confusion has escalated dramatically. No matter what was in the past she is suffering and there is little I can do to help except be a voice of love and support WHEN she lets me.

I think feelings of loss and grief start start before death in these situations. I also think it is probably normal to have conflicting feelings. I look forward to hearing what others are going through.
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Jean1808 Jun 30, 2020
Sending hugs, empathy and compassion your way.
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Its really important to become educated about what narcissism is. The best resources are on Youtube for free. When you start listening to some of these videos, you will start to feel a lot of grief. After a while, you start to understand that people with narcissism are just trying to survive like all the rest of us. The problem is that their strategies for doing this are about taking from you to give to themselves, which is not OK. Some of the counselors you see on Youtube offer classes, specifically for children of narcissistic parents. You just have to look around to find what you like. It will be a relief to see that the behavior patterns you saw in your parents have been seen by so many others in theirs. After a while, you will start to forgive them and yourself (!) for simply being who you are. You can have peace and a good life after a loss like you describe. With someone with narcissism, it just takes some effort to understand before you can let go and get on with your life.
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marymary2 Jun 30, 2020
Wow, you were able to forgive. Impressive! I can never do so as my mother destroyed my life and chances at having my own family/spouse so completely that I don't have much chance for happiness, as you put it. But each person's situation is different, so I'm glad you were able to heal.
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i will feel an incredible amount of relief when my Mom passes. I will still have to deal with cleaning out her hoarder house, paying for her her burial (she thinks why should she pay for it) and figuring and dealing with whatever fallout will take place because she is refusing to do any final papers as well as her 15g credit card debt that she claims at 85 she will be able to pay off even though she only has social security as a source of income. I have had to deal with her having a dog that pees and poops in the house because she won’t let the dog out and now the dog is afraid to go out I am officially done with my mom. After just over 11 years of caretaking I struggle with being angry, resentful and bitter. I just want my life back. I have read books and watched YouTube videos and that has helped me. I am just soo done with taking her to all of her appointments. She has singly handedly destroyed my relationships with my siblings and I have had to work weekends to accommodate her appointments. I live for the day I am free. I am in the search for a good therapist. Wishing everyone healing from a narcissist parent!
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marymary2 Jun 30, 2020
You never deserved what you got. None of us who have narc mothers did. I can tell you now that I'm not doing the daily stuff, she's cut me out of her life (and will, which also hurts as I'm in bad shape) completely as I have no more value to her or her golden children/my older siblings. But I can breath and be free from the daily grind. Of course the mental pain still continues, but it's better than the daily torture. I wish you happiness.
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The only way I could untangle the untruths and see reality as it is was to see a counselor. It was the only way for me.
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I'm raising my hand on this one.

My fears, suspiscions, and expections of what is to come next after the passing of my NPD mom . . .is yet to be seen.

I can tell you, after day two post death, I may need some serious therapy. Maybe not! but then again . .

I can tell you that the essence of resentment is creeping in.
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Jean1808 Jun 30, 2020
Get the serious therapy when in doubt. You're starting a journey. You may not stay with the same therapist. If you have insurance and they have a mental health hotline start there. Its hard to get out with covid19 out there but do anything you can to begin a support network.

If you're not drinking dont start. If you are drinking try not to over do things. If you're turning alcoholic and dont want to AA has free online groups that do zoom and Skype during the Pandemic.

If your city or county has free resources of any kind, even a chat mental health line, take it. Build a support network.

Many Catholic churches have grief ministries too, but once again, covid has shut down or curtailed a lot.

With covid 19 if it's safe in your area to get out into some kind of nature, go as much as you can. Find healthy ways of rewarding yourself for any good thing you do. God bless.
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I live one day at a time living in the same situation with my hoarder mom.
Her health is failing and when she passes away I have no clue how I financially will be able to move out all her hoarding crap. Every month she spends 4000.00 on warehouses and an art gallery full of paintings she owns, but refuses to let me step in and sell them. I have POA but she is still smart as a tack at 91 yrs old.
It's her way or the highway for me. She loves to tell me, if you don't like living here then move somewhere where you will be happy! Unfortunately I have no funds to move out or I would. I continue seeing my therapist for support, which only helps a little bit, but it's worth it since I suffer from panic attacks and need the meds for it. When she passes away I know there will be a big weight of relief from all the stress and guilt I deal with on a daily basis.
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Buffytwmo49 Jun 30, 2020
Hire an auction company and sell one warehouse at a time. You will win eventually. Just bide your time.
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I don't know if there's life after a narc parent dies, b/c mine will live forever, I'm sure of it. Life DURING is no picnic, though, isn't that a fact? I am quite sure I will feel a huge sense of relief once the event occurs b/c then I won't have to dread the daily phone calls, the daily verbal beatings, the financial management, the doctors, the hospitals, the rehabs............and all the endless, endless mind games that are played with me. Not one little bit.

I will welcome the feeling of knowing what freedom looks and feels like. And knowing how it feels to breathe deeply again. And to feel relaxed. To me, that's what recovery will be all about.
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SandiRader Jun 30, 2020
That is the saddest statement. No one is perfect-forgiveness is a virtue-too bad you can’t forgive.
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