I sit and wonder if this is the year that I will lose my Mom. She's 85 (in March) stage 6 mixed dementia, Vascular and Alzheimer's. Her delusions are growing worse. I feel so helpless, sad, and lost. I admit that, at times, I dread going to visit her. My sweet mother, my best friend, is not there. Instead, there is a shell of a woman that resembles my mother who searches for her words, talks of going home, is feebly unsteady, and who does not know me.
I also admit that I pray for Mom's suffering to end. I do not want her to enter into the final stage of this horrid disease that has robbed her of her memory and of our relationship. I do not want to watch her lose the ability to swallow and to become bedridden. I never thought I would surrender to this, but I have.
I'm just so sad. I want to remember my mother as the vibrant woman she used to be. I miss her quirky sense of humor; I miss her advice; I miss cooking beside of her at holidays; I miss sharing my day with her and hearing her voice over the telephone.
Thank you for listening...