Is there an assisted living facility in the Midwest (where costs are lower) where the mgmt and staff understand malignant narcissism?

I can’t answer your question, but I can identify with having a parent that everyone thinks is so sweet and nice but who is actually petty, cruel, and manipulative. People don’t understand why we don’t help out more or think that we have an obligation to be caregivers. They didn’t see the years of neglect, abuse, and narcissistic behavior. What I do is tell people the situation. “We don’t get along” is usually enough for people to get the hint but not always unfortunately.

I try to pull her doctors aside when I can to tell them how she is. One time she saw me talking to a doctor and she raced over and with nostrils flaring and teeth gritting yelled “What did you tell him?!” She has a lot of notes in her file but doctors and nurses often don’t read them.

The worst is the hospital. They always assume kids want to race down there. Last time mom had one of her episodes designed to get attention we refused to visit and told them to put her in a taxi when she was released and they did. They probably think we are horrible people but oh well.

Anyway, no solutions but I know how it can be.

Dear Allusion, perhaps you need to shift your expectations, not the AL for your mother. There is no real need for you to move her miles and miles away in order to drop down the expectation that you will visit. There is no need to deal with AL staff who think she’s such a sweet old lady. Just leave them to deal with her.

There are plenty of people without family who are in AL, she will be fine. You don’t need to convince the staff that she is horrible and you are fully justified in not visiting. Just do it! Like you would do it she was in the mid-west.

In all of my adult life, I was never able to convince anyone of who my mother really was behind the facade of a lovely, happy woman. That behind the pretty mask lurked sharp teeth and a hateful, back stabbing personality that was out for blood. So I stopped trying. Because I wound up being painted as The Bad Daughter as a result.

My mother lived in AL (and then Memory Care AL) bc I was NOT going to take her in my home, shudder. Everyone loved her until her mask fell off and then they were literally shocked to see the Real Her. I would just snicker with the I-Told-You-So's or the I TRIED to tell you but nobody would listen.

I kept my visits brief and left when her ranting and raving got ugly. I ordered things she needed online whenever possible. Kept the contact limited, in other words, which I suggest you do. Trying to convince others who your mother truly is will only make YOU look bad, unfortunately. Your goal here, imo, needs to be limited contact and let the staff at the AL worry about her and any histrionics she displays.

I always felt, as an only child, an obligation to look out for my mother and be her advocate, but not throw myself on the fire in the process. It's a difficult balance to figure out how to keep YOUR sanity and boundaries intact and to keep HER safe at the same time.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this chaos.

So the AL staff think Mom is a sweet old lady. Well, Mom is not going to keep of that facade for long. I am sure Mom is not the first Narcissist they have taken care of. You don't worry about what staff thinks. They will eventually see who your Mom is. Everyone thought my MIL was a sweet lady until she didn't get her way.

You do what you need for you. You visit when and if you want. Mom is safe, fed and cared for. If she needs something, get it and drop it off at the desk. If she calls too much, block her. If there is an emergency, the AL will call you. Let the staff do their jobs. There is really no "caring" you have to do. Just be a contact and someone who picks up stuff the AL does not provide. There is a Nurse there. Have her call Moms doctor and recommend antidepressants for Mom. If you visit and Mom starts, you can leave. Remember this, Mom needs you more than you need her. This is what you need to get across to her.

@grandma, I would say the EMTs were very aware Mom was not dead thats why the cremation comment.

To answer your question, no. There really isn't any special AL facilities that know how to handle a malignant narcissist who puts on "performances" to get attention or manipulate others into obedience.

Assisted Living facilites along with nursing homes, memory cares, and rehabs are profit-making businesses.
They offer pretty much basic care and lodging in exchange for a fee every month.
They are not in the business of being family therapists nor do they care about your family dynamic.

The facility your mother is in cannot force her onto anti-depressants because she doesn't meet their happiness requirement. She is also not "coming" for you. Your mother is in an assisted living facility.

Do you really think she's "coming for you"? Grow up and if you have POA for her I would suggest also growing a backbone and stop worrying about what the staff of some assisted living facility thinks of you. If you have POA and it's active you decide whether or not she gets put on anti-depressants.
Believe me, if you make sure your mother's bill for the AL gets paid every month on time and in full, these people will become your best friends.

Also, just an F.Y.I. your mother didn't get one over on the paramedics playing dead. They have to follow certain rules and protocols when they respond to a call. If they thought she was dead they would have taken heroic measures to revive her which they did not.

If her behavior becomes too unruly and her games become too disruptive to the staff and other residents of the AL, they will evict her.
She will then get sent to a nursing home, psychiatric facility, or memory care. If you don't want the legal responsibility of her if you have POA, she will become a ward of the state.

I don't mean to come off as harsh to you because God knows my relationship with my own mother has always been strained on its best day.

I'm going to let you in on some good advice that comes from being a caregiver (mostly to seniors) for 25 years and also one to my mother.
Many times it's better for everyone when family does not care for family.
The behavior of the person being cared for is often far better when their needs are not being met by family members.

Good luck to you.

First of all I will suggest a book for you to read. It is a memoir written by Liz Scheier called Never Simple.
Ms. S. attempted for many decades to help get care for her personality disordered mother, along with the auspices of the entire city and state of NY. All to no avail. While it will have no answers for you, you will definitely feel less alone.

Secondly, I have little interest in WHERE your mother goes, or in her at all. YOU are my concern. I can, however, tell you that ALF and MC facilities are for profit businesses. They livelihoods depend of having calm and pleasant residents in their facilities who are capable of getting along with others. They "cherry pick" and if you ran their facilities, you would as well. So that kind of leaves "Mom" out, doesn't it.

I am going to suggest you get help for YOURSELF. I have little concern about where your Mom ends up. But I do think your would greatly benefit from a good psychologist (by good I mean a TOUGH one who shakes up your habitual way of dealing with your problems, and sets you on a path to wholeness and a good life for yourself). I think you need a deep understanding of what makes you want to still have communication with a person you feel is hopeless and unworthy, a person who has always let you down and who always will. Obligation isn't here for you. Obligation moves FROM parent TO child while that child is a minor. Not in the opposite direction. Guilt is off the books, also, because you didn't cause your Mom's woes and you can't fix them. You need to deal with the grief that you had a limited and inadequate parent, and to move on from that without hope of ever hearing how loved you are, and how of worth you are. Because you never WILL hear that from a person of such limitations.

I suggest that you may need to leave your mother to the care of the state, as though she had never HAD any children. So many have no one. Your Mom will not be alone.

I wish you the best ongoing. The choices for YOUR OWN LIFE are in your own hands, no one elses. It is time that your Mom stops being your focus, imho. Good luck. You will find it takes all the courage you can muster, because no matter how dreadful things are for us when a bad parent is involved, they are more scary still when we try to make changes in our own habits. The road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. It represents the unknown, which is something quite intolerable to us. But once you garner this courage, you will be so incredibly PROUD of yourself you will never have a need of another thing from an inadequate parent.

Dear Allusion, I’m very glad that the posts have helped you. I’m afraid you have had some kicks in the past, and even on the site you can get conflicting reactions. Don’t be too bothered if some people come the ‘good daughter orta’ approach. There's a lot of it about.

I’d ask for a little forgiveness for funkygrandma, who upset you. If you read the second half of her post, you will see that she really does say the same thing as all the helpful posts – you are doing your best if you can get M into a decent care facility, and that is ALL you have to do. Anything else is a bonus – if M wants to accept it properly. Any snotty staff who can’t see this, need new handkys to blow the snot on.

People who really worry, like you, usually have been badly treated in their childhood. As grandma said, they find it hard to put their childhood behind them, and to grow thicker skin. But you are getting there! Well done!
Best wishes, Margaret

"I would have my mom transferred anywhere to get the protection and respect I need to cope with caring for her."
WOW! You know that this isn't about you now right? You should be more concerned about your mom receiving the best care possible at this stage in her life and not about you getting the "protection and respect" you feel you deserve.
There are narcissists in literally every facility in the world and I have to believe that most know how to deal with them.
No where is it written that a child that was abused in any way has to be hands on with the care of their aging parent, so I must ask...why are you choosing to when it's obviously causing you great pain?
Are you still seeking the approval from her that you never received a a child? I hate to tell you but you're not ever going to receive it and you must learn to be ok with that.
If your mom is doing well in the facility she's in, then just step back and let her be. You don't have to visit if you don't want to or you can just go once or twice a month. And the minute your mom starts showing her butt, you just get up and leave and tell her that you'll come back when she's in a better mood.
You now as an adult have the control over your life and what you will or will not tolerate, so start using that control, and quit letting the little child in you rule your life.

I would love to know how she was able to "play dead" and even fool the EMT's!

Anyway for your mental health have as little to do with her as possible.
Let the facility staff deal with her. If she is one way with them and another with you then let her play her game and deal with them.
(By the way cost of facilities in the Midwest are not the lowest, I am sure other parts of the country are lower)
One member mentioned going Gray Rock as a way to deal with a parent.
Gray Rock is a method where you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you.
If nothing else being unengaged or unresponsive she will not get the satisfaction of seeing your reaction. Once you get to the car you can scream and beat on the steering wheel.

If you really want to disengage if you have POA give that up. And the State can become her Guardian. Then you have no decisions that you can make.
If you are not POA and if she eventually needs a Guardian, if she is not cognizant to appoint a POA it might be in your best interest to allow her to become a Ward of the State. That is unless there are large assets that you wish to protect. And if that is the case it would be wise to see an Elder Care Attorney.